I want to write about a small precious moment. You probably know them well. They are usually sought out, very conscious moments. And other times, you are swept off your feet, struck by it and filled with a wonder. For me, today, this moment was a conscious one; one that I sought out and knew to be good. And then... I was swept off my feet and my own definition of "good" didn't suit the moment one bit.
Today, I'm traveling; on my way to Hawaii, passing by other travelers, all with different stories and destinations. First, I had to head to Los Angeles, where I'm currently at this very moment. I've been exhausted most of the day and I have a headache. Blah. So in reality, I'm not feeling very "good" at all.
I get on the plane, and it lifts off, and flies into the sky. I had given up my window seat to a young woman, probably about my own age. The instant we get into the sky and get above the clouds, I regret my decision as I look out past her and through the window. The clouds. The blue sky. They're incredible.
I wish I could get closer, take out my camera and get a picture. Yet, I know the picture wouldn't be able to capture the moment. The small window of the plane is only giving us a small needle-eye hole into an ocean of beauty. I automatically want to jump through the hole and into the sea of wonder and clouds. But the voice over the intercom reminds me I'm on a plane, stuffed between too many human beings, and having to obey the laws of gravity.
The plane ride is mostly uneventful, thankfully quick and short. I bring out my book and read a few pages, hoping some of the drama will pick up soon within the novel. And before I know it, we're told that we will be landing shortly. Good news indeed. And then I look out the window again to see Los Angeles. I think, "I better get one good look of those clouds while I still can." And that's when my breath is cut short and I'm suddenly swept off my feet into that precious moment of wonder.
The first thing that came to my mind was a beautiful painting. The kind where the sky is lit up by a heavenly glow and streams of light fall through the clouds. Blues, purples, and yellows melt together into a wonderful harmony of colors that reaches into your soul. I think of those moments in the movies where they show "heaven", and people are up in the sky. Well, I don't blame theme for choosing such a background for a place. I can't help but marvel at the incredibly beauty of it all. In my mind, I'm trying to decide if the clouds look like a soft layer of fur that you would love to roll in and wrap around your body. But yet, when I stare at the soft yellow clouds, I realize they could also be related to a gentle white landscape of fresh fallen snow. It's that white and serene up here.
We had arrived at the perfect time. The sun was just setting, making it possible to see such a scene. I look at the other side of the plan and out their window. Beautiful, but not quite the same. I glance back at our window. I still wish I could at least attempt to photograph the moment. To capture the intense elegance and grandeur of the moment. But alas, I'm not in the window seat, and the small window wouldn't be able to truly display what I see and know the scene to be. So I have to be content and capture as much detail into my human memory as possible of the moment. The girl and I barely tear our eyes away from the window, both enraptured by the clouds and sky. Eventually, we descend into the clouds and the scene is gone. I'm on the ground, wanting to be back up into the sky.
It's these moments that I must hang onto. I'm about to board the plane to Hawaii. The sun has set and I'm only left with the night and its own sky to travel through. I wish I could see such a scene again. But, alas, the sky and clouds are never constant, always changing. So I must be content with this memory of the moment. Those moments where you wish to fly and believe that heaven is not only possible, but going to be breath-taking. Yes. I love those moments indeed.
Sunday, December 30, 2012
Monday, December 17, 2012
Loneliness & Love
What does it mean to be loved?
That's a question that's been on my mind for quite some time.
Since I graduated college, I've been spending much more time alone. It's been weird as I come home to an empty apartment and begin to figure out what I want to do for the evening. Sometimes, I rejoice in the solitary, happy that it's just me and that I get to do whatever I want in the moment. But other times, it gets quite saddening. You would like to talk to someone about your day, yet no one is around. You put a movie on and laugh and giggle at the funny parts, but yet, hearing your own laughter by itself seems odd and not quite what it should be. You lay your head on your pillow in your silent apartment, and right before you close your eyes, you stare out into the darkness, wishing you had someone to say 'Good night' to.
These are the moments I have. Like I said, I tend to go back and forth, happy for some chance to be by myself, and yet, still wishing someone was present. It happens to the best of us. And I also hear that this is quite common after college; that as a working adult, hanging out with people becomes quite harder as you go. So I'm adjusting from the crazy college life of constantly being with friends and others, to the calmer, more separated work life, where being adult is a bit harder.
But there's something else that seems to affect my loneliness. Something that makes the loneliness more saddening and harder to bare: this idea that as I sit here alone, it is because no one needs me; no one wants me. I'm being forgotten. I am unimportant.
If people really loved me, someone would be here, right?
It is these emotions and thoughts that have led me to have discussions with many of my friends. I confess that I have been lonely and they automatically apologize and offer up their services for companionship and comfort. I smile and assure them I'm fine. But it is through these discussions that I've begun to wrestle with my own thoughts and emotions, working to put down the lies and to understand 'love' all that much better. It didn't begin until someone called me out on it and said, "Just because you aren't needed Hannah, doesn't mean you aren't loved." And then I cried.
I can easily see that this idea of "wanting to be needed" fits into a very natural human desire to be important and desired. Many of us dream of making our mark on the world, changing lives for the better, and getting our names somewhere out in history. We want to know that we were useful somehow on this planet and made a difference. If people need us, we then are important. Our existence matters.
Yet as one human dies, life moves on. The earth continues to rotate, new people are born, discoveries are made, adventures have begun, inventions are created and yet, the quiet wind of a life leaving its humanly body passes by without a person noticing, except for a select few. So... are we really, needed?
I guess I will stop philosophizing, and get right to the answer "Yes we are needed, but no, we're not." Humans need other humans. When a baby is born, is has a need for human connection: to be held, to be touched. Otherwise, it dies. It leaves the constant connection of its mother and enters into the outside world by itself, and yet, the child screams to be held and needs to know it is not alone. It needs to know that it is loved.
And I guess as I sit here, I realize that I do need others to love me. I need others to show me that thing so-called "love", for they are the vessels in which I receive a wonderful message: that I am valued and love. Ultimately, I am valued and loved by God. And yet, one of the greatest ways to understand God's love is through another human being and experience it. The sad thing is, the kind gestures and actions humans do to one another to show love is just a mere shadow of an image of what the real thing is. God's love is vast and amazing, that we only have the capability of displaying a small ounce of what the real thing actually is. A mere smell of a piece of fruit that leads to an everlasting garden. We catch a whiff and we want more.
And yet, we can never be fully filled by another human's love. Again, it's the mere smell to the feast we truly desire. And I think that's something I can see as I sit in my loneliness: an understanding that no one else can truly "complete me". I often feel fine on my own, sitting in my own thoughts and day dreaming, understanding that I especially need to love myself. I need to believe that I am loved and valued. Otherwise, it will be impossible for me to truly love others, and to accept their love in return.
I need to believe that as I sit in my apartment, that my friends and family have me in their hearts, in the back of their minds, as we are apart from one another. I need to believe that they do think of me and value my life, not for what I can do for them, but for my mere presence. That even though they may not "need me" in this time of their life, that their love for me is still present.
It's sad, but somewhat funny, that I realize I often tell myself "others don't love me" to protect myself. I've been hurt before, like many of us have, and have not been loved like I should have been. And so, I tell myself, "That is not possible. You can not love me. If you really loved me...." and then fill in the blank to a rude and impossible demand. It's easy to keep people out that way. It's easy to keep God out that way.
Yet, when you do that, you then sit in a utter depression, certain that no one could care about you nor love you. You spiral down, pushing more and more people out, so you can be safe. And yet, you are just slowly killing yourself, starving yourself from the one thing you need.
So you have to stop, and tell yourself that you are loved. You have to replay those instance where someone, whether a parent, sibling, friend, or spouse said, "I love you". You have to hang onto those moments for dear life, because evil thoughts will try to tear them away and rip your value down to shreds. When someone speaks those words to you, you have to open your ears and your heart and let them sink in. Sink in and settle into your heart, and let it become a part of you, so that you can maybe, one day, also let those words spew out from your mouth as well. Love spreads. It's contagious.
But first, you must listen. First, you must open up your ears and heart, so that you can hear the silent words that are being spoken: "I love you" and believe it. Don't throw it out. Don't shut it down. Let it float into your heart and plant a seed. Hang onto that hope that you are loved and see where it takes you.
Let your eyes be opened to the constant message that there is Someone out there, loving you, surrounding you with Their Presence. And then, let that seed grow. You'll be in a garden soon enough.
That's a question that's been on my mind for quite some time.
Since I graduated college, I've been spending much more time alone. It's been weird as I come home to an empty apartment and begin to figure out what I want to do for the evening. Sometimes, I rejoice in the solitary, happy that it's just me and that I get to do whatever I want in the moment. But other times, it gets quite saddening. You would like to talk to someone about your day, yet no one is around. You put a movie on and laugh and giggle at the funny parts, but yet, hearing your own laughter by itself seems odd and not quite what it should be. You lay your head on your pillow in your silent apartment, and right before you close your eyes, you stare out into the darkness, wishing you had someone to say 'Good night' to.
These are the moments I have. Like I said, I tend to go back and forth, happy for some chance to be by myself, and yet, still wishing someone was present. It happens to the best of us. And I also hear that this is quite common after college; that as a working adult, hanging out with people becomes quite harder as you go. So I'm adjusting from the crazy college life of constantly being with friends and others, to the calmer, more separated work life, where being adult is a bit harder.
But there's something else that seems to affect my loneliness. Something that makes the loneliness more saddening and harder to bare: this idea that as I sit here alone, it is because no one needs me; no one wants me. I'm being forgotten. I am unimportant.
If people really loved me, someone would be here, right?
It is these emotions and thoughts that have led me to have discussions with many of my friends. I confess that I have been lonely and they automatically apologize and offer up their services for companionship and comfort. I smile and assure them I'm fine. But it is through these discussions that I've begun to wrestle with my own thoughts and emotions, working to put down the lies and to understand 'love' all that much better. It didn't begin until someone called me out on it and said, "Just because you aren't needed Hannah, doesn't mean you aren't loved." And then I cried.
I can easily see that this idea of "wanting to be needed" fits into a very natural human desire to be important and desired. Many of us dream of making our mark on the world, changing lives for the better, and getting our names somewhere out in history. We want to know that we were useful somehow on this planet and made a difference. If people need us, we then are important. Our existence matters.
Yet as one human dies, life moves on. The earth continues to rotate, new people are born, discoveries are made, adventures have begun, inventions are created and yet, the quiet wind of a life leaving its humanly body passes by without a person noticing, except for a select few. So... are we really, needed?
I guess I will stop philosophizing, and get right to the answer "Yes we are needed, but no, we're not." Humans need other humans. When a baby is born, is has a need for human connection: to be held, to be touched. Otherwise, it dies. It leaves the constant connection of its mother and enters into the outside world by itself, and yet, the child screams to be held and needs to know it is not alone. It needs to know that it is loved.
And I guess as I sit here, I realize that I do need others to love me. I need others to show me that thing so-called "love", for they are the vessels in which I receive a wonderful message: that I am valued and love. Ultimately, I am valued and loved by God. And yet, one of the greatest ways to understand God's love is through another human being and experience it. The sad thing is, the kind gestures and actions humans do to one another to show love is just a mere shadow of an image of what the real thing is. God's love is vast and amazing, that we only have the capability of displaying a small ounce of what the real thing actually is. A mere smell of a piece of fruit that leads to an everlasting garden. We catch a whiff and we want more.
And yet, we can never be fully filled by another human's love. Again, it's the mere smell to the feast we truly desire. And I think that's something I can see as I sit in my loneliness: an understanding that no one else can truly "complete me". I often feel fine on my own, sitting in my own thoughts and day dreaming, understanding that I especially need to love myself. I need to believe that I am loved and valued. Otherwise, it will be impossible for me to truly love others, and to accept their love in return.
I need to believe that as I sit in my apartment, that my friends and family have me in their hearts, in the back of their minds, as we are apart from one another. I need to believe that they do think of me and value my life, not for what I can do for them, but for my mere presence. That even though they may not "need me" in this time of their life, that their love for me is still present.
It's sad, but somewhat funny, that I realize I often tell myself "others don't love me" to protect myself. I've been hurt before, like many of us have, and have not been loved like I should have been. And so, I tell myself, "That is not possible. You can not love me. If you really loved me...." and then fill in the blank to a rude and impossible demand. It's easy to keep people out that way. It's easy to keep God out that way.
Yet, when you do that, you then sit in a utter depression, certain that no one could care about you nor love you. You spiral down, pushing more and more people out, so you can be safe. And yet, you are just slowly killing yourself, starving yourself from the one thing you need.
So you have to stop, and tell yourself that you are loved. You have to replay those instance where someone, whether a parent, sibling, friend, or spouse said, "I love you". You have to hang onto those moments for dear life, because evil thoughts will try to tear them away and rip your value down to shreds. When someone speaks those words to you, you have to open your ears and your heart and let them sink in. Sink in and settle into your heart, and let it become a part of you, so that you can maybe, one day, also let those words spew out from your mouth as well. Love spreads. It's contagious.
But first, you must listen. First, you must open up your ears and heart, so that you can hear the silent words that are being spoken: "I love you" and believe it. Don't throw it out. Don't shut it down. Let it float into your heart and plant a seed. Hang onto that hope that you are loved and see where it takes you.
Let your eyes be opened to the constant message that there is Someone out there, loving you, surrounding you with Their Presence. And then, let that seed grow. You'll be in a garden soon enough.
Friday, September 28, 2012
A Lifetime of Lessons
The seasons are changing here in Tucson. A week or two ago, I went out for my morning run before work and the weather was considerably colder. I was so used to bearing the morning heat in a tank top and shorts, but on that particular morning, I thought, "Oh gosh. I could almost wear a jacket. It's chilly." However, Tucson hasn't fully committed to the cooler season just yet. There are still some days were the afternoons linger in the upper nineties, leaving one hoping that October will soon be here and bringing much cooler weather.
As the seasons have been changing, I can see that I, too, have changed. I suppose we as people, are always changing, but I know for me, it's important to stop and sorta reflect on all that has happened and actually see the differences.
Friends: My friend circle has definitely changed; and not only that, but how much time I spend with friends has changed too. After one graduates college, a huge shift happens, where people move, go to grad school, or start jobs. And at first, I wasn't quite sure what to do with all of this. I was used to having a set group of friends and getting to hang out quite often. You could meet people up for lunch, study together, online chat during classes and homework, go get dinner, and then hang out all evening. Heck, sometimes we wouldn't start hanging out till about 10 PM and we'd go to the wee hours of the morning.
But now, most of my friends and I have jobs, where we work from 8-5. By 10 PM, most of us begin yawning and talk about our bed times. Hanging out has been mostly reserved for the weekend and Friday night, and even then, there are sometimes household chores or other things to attend to that you couldn't get to during the week.
I really struggled with this (and I still do). I felt like all my friends and I were drifting apart and I began feeling quite lonely. But then, I would also be tired from working all day, that going out with people seemed exhausting at times. Being tired and lonely wasn't a fun combo. But slowly, I've begun to get accustomed to this change. I've made it a priority to have set dates with certain people on when I can see them through the week. I've narrowed down my friends to a few individuals who I get to share my time with. My sister has become a huge confidant where we talk about our lives daily, fulfilling my need to express myself and my daily struggles. It's still hard, but I've really been trying to work to see my friends, whether it is easy or not. And in the end, I'm always glad I got to hang out with them because I love them. :)
Design: I'm a graphic designer now and often fill the role of a photographer as well. I do have to say, that I begin to fall in love more and more with design as I go. There are definitely plenty of days where I'm just tired and unmotivated at work and the creativity doesn't always come. However, I've begun to find ways to stay inspired and also give myself grace when things aren't turning out quite right. I'm learning a lot, which is what I really enjoy and I like my work environment a lot too. Most of the time though, I just have to learn to not put so much pressure on myself and then I'm set to go.
God: My relationship with God has changed. Coming out of a campus ministry setting and being thrown into the "real world" has left me wondering, "OK, so what do I do in regards to my faith now?" Leading Bible studies and having spiritual discussions with people daily is what I was familiar with, but now, my focus has been solely on design, my clients, and co-workers. I'd then come home from work and feel exhausted and then I thought, "Ugh... am I supposed to go to some food bank or something and serve there? Or go to some sort of church event? Pour into someone? Man... I'm just so tired though."
Not to mention, I was spiritually burnt-out and bitter on many ends. I didn't trust the Church or other Christian individuals as far as I could throw them. I felt used on many fronts and that many were just on a search to get me on "their side" and "believe what they believe." So I took a step back and decided to not attend church or any Christian group activity. It was useful in the way that I could show myself that no matter where I was at or what I was doing, my relationship with God wouldn't go down the drain. In fact, there's very little about what "I'm doing" and it's all about what God is doing.
Long story short, I read many books and thought about a lot of things, processing as I went. Books like "Chronicles of Narnia" made me long for Jesus and his love, and also, just enjoy the beautiful and adventurous part of God as well. I could open up the Bible at times, and just read small parts, starting out small and really letting the stuff sink in. The biggest help was probably "The Screwtape Letters" by CS Lewis. I began seeing a lot of lies and false thoughts that were described in the book that had been in my own head for years, and seeing how they did make me want to stay away from other Christians and certain teachings. With these few books and the help of a few friends who would sit and listen to me as I discussed my fears, my pains, and grievances, and then give counsel and encouragement back, I began to feel at peace again with God and my own faith. I wanted to go back to church and be in that community of believers, and talking about my faith and learning more and more about God. I knew I had to be careful, because not all my fears and scars were completely healed or gone, but I began to see where I wanted to go.
So now, I have told myself that I don't have to lead Bible study or have these certain qualities to be a "good Christian". I just have to believe in Jesus, and that's it. And it's interesting, because I can see how hard I am on myself in this area and even have a hard time believing it, thinking, "And that's it? You serious?" But it's true. God is way more than enough in all areas of my life. If I have an issue, I have to just ask for help. And if helps doesn't seem at the moment to be right there, keep asking and keep struggling. Because I know God won't fail me. I will fail, but He won't.
And a few good friends keep talking about how I am serving people on a daily basis and for these words, I was so grateful to hear. To go to work, and create things for people day in and day out is a service. I am giving something to people, whether it is time, energy, creative talent, or all of that in one. And I really don't acknowledge my own efforts most of the time, thinking, "This is just what people expect." But even the other day, someone said, "You are quiet lovely with customers. You entertain them, empathize and make them laugh. Just lovely." I had someone else relay a client's comment to me, "You know, my mom was quite impressed that you made your co-worker brownies for his birthday. Seriously. She thought that was so nice."
Someone who I had done a photo shoot with had told me after I had shown her the pictures, "You know Hannah. This is actually a big thing for me. I've really been processing my own beauty and trying to embrace it. These photos are fantastic and are a big turning point for me. I get to see these and see how beautiful I am. Thank you."
I may not be doing outright "ministry", but I'm getting to show people how valuable and beautiful they are day in and day out, and that's all I really want to do.
Dating: Not really much has actually changed here, but I know my overall outlook has. With the lack of connection from my friends and then also, watching many of my peers get engaged, my desire to date has increased. With the added loneliness and the ever wondering question, "So... when is it my turn?" you begin to realize how much you wish you did have someone.
My only remedy for this has been to just make it a point to spend more time with my friends, both male and female. My female friends offer the empathizing and heart-to-heart discussions that I need, and my male friends often make me laugh, remind me to not take life so seriously, and treat me with respect that a man should. They also tend to be very good listeners and have supported me through rough emotional times as well.
I also know to just wait for the right person to come along. I'm in no rush to date or am not pushing the subject. I'm just waiting, knowing that it will all happen when it should and I don't have to force anything. When this guy does come along, I know I want to do my best to love him. Many times, it will be hard and I will have to make a choice each day to love him and I can only hope that I'll be able to do that well. Some friends and I were gathered, and someone turned to a recently engaged male and said, "Holy cow! You're getting married! That's serious." He just laughed and replied "Yeah. It is." The woman goes, "Do you really want to spend the rest of your life with her?" (referring to the fiance who was absent at the time). The guy simply replied, "That's the wrong question. It's not about if I want to. It's about if I'm ready to commit to her, every day, for the rest of my life. If that's the question. Then yes. I'm ready to commit to being with her." At first, I was confused. But then I realized he was referring to how love often is a choice. A choice to put her before him and pursue their relationship. And that answer put me more at ease than if he had simply answered, "Yes, I want to." But I saw that he knew it would take work and was willing to love her, even if he didn't "feel" like it.
However, I have to insert some humorous stories in here, since... my love life tends to be quite entertaining. If anything, I'm just working on avoiding creepy moments when I leave my apartment. Once, I walked into a gas station and noticed a few males glance my away. Feeling uncomfortable, I quickly picked up what I needed and headed to the cashier. One male in particular gave me an obvious look over and all I could think was, "I think he just raped me with his eyes." He then smirked and said, "What's your name?" Trying to find a way out, I just muttered "Uh... I don't know." He then goes, "You got a husband?" I awkwardly laughed and walked out of the gas station, got in my car and drove away as fast as I could.
Anxiety: Last, but not least, my anxiety disorder has seemed to improve. Anxiety always has taken on a different meaning for me than for most. Some will say "I was anxious about a test." For me, I don't really consider myself "anxious" unless I'm beginning to have a panic attack. Then that's when I say, "I was really anxious."
But, the power of those attacks has lessened, or at least, decreased their frequency. One reason is due to the calmness of my life right now. I've settled into a routine, where I go to work and make sure to not push myself too far. I've begun to teach myself how to rest. I've been making sure to work on my current issues, right here and right now, and not run forward, ignoring what is going on inside me, but wrestle with those current issues and face them head on. There are a lot of times where at work, I can see that my anxiety goes up because I somehow think I'm failing or screwing up, despite whether it is logical or not. With a group of people, I'll begin to think about how maybe someone doesn't like me or I'm just so different. With God, I would tend to think that I'm somehow not doing enough or failing in some way. All these are serious enough issues in themselves and I can see that right now, God is letting me focus in on them and wrestling with them. I've learn to talk back to myself, search out truths, and often reality test myself. It's hard work, but I want to continue to fight this.
And I also hope, that in my fight and battle with my own anxiety, I can also help others, in someway or another.
I could go into so much more depth and detail, but that will probably have to wait. This is just a "summary" of everything. Learning so much, but not sure how to quite put it all down. Thanks for reading though! :) And thanks for being there with me through it all.
As the seasons have been changing, I can see that I, too, have changed. I suppose we as people, are always changing, but I know for me, it's important to stop and sorta reflect on all that has happened and actually see the differences.
Friends: My friend circle has definitely changed; and not only that, but how much time I spend with friends has changed too. After one graduates college, a huge shift happens, where people move, go to grad school, or start jobs. And at first, I wasn't quite sure what to do with all of this. I was used to having a set group of friends and getting to hang out quite often. You could meet people up for lunch, study together, online chat during classes and homework, go get dinner, and then hang out all evening. Heck, sometimes we wouldn't start hanging out till about 10 PM and we'd go to the wee hours of the morning.
But now, most of my friends and I have jobs, where we work from 8-5. By 10 PM, most of us begin yawning and talk about our bed times. Hanging out has been mostly reserved for the weekend and Friday night, and even then, there are sometimes household chores or other things to attend to that you couldn't get to during the week.
I really struggled with this (and I still do). I felt like all my friends and I were drifting apart and I began feeling quite lonely. But then, I would also be tired from working all day, that going out with people seemed exhausting at times. Being tired and lonely wasn't a fun combo. But slowly, I've begun to get accustomed to this change. I've made it a priority to have set dates with certain people on when I can see them through the week. I've narrowed down my friends to a few individuals who I get to share my time with. My sister has become a huge confidant where we talk about our lives daily, fulfilling my need to express myself and my daily struggles. It's still hard, but I've really been trying to work to see my friends, whether it is easy or not. And in the end, I'm always glad I got to hang out with them because I love them. :)
Design: I'm a graphic designer now and often fill the role of a photographer as well. I do have to say, that I begin to fall in love more and more with design as I go. There are definitely plenty of days where I'm just tired and unmotivated at work and the creativity doesn't always come. However, I've begun to find ways to stay inspired and also give myself grace when things aren't turning out quite right. I'm learning a lot, which is what I really enjoy and I like my work environment a lot too. Most of the time though, I just have to learn to not put so much pressure on myself and then I'm set to go.
God: My relationship with God has changed. Coming out of a campus ministry setting and being thrown into the "real world" has left me wondering, "OK, so what do I do in regards to my faith now?" Leading Bible studies and having spiritual discussions with people daily is what I was familiar with, but now, my focus has been solely on design, my clients, and co-workers. I'd then come home from work and feel exhausted and then I thought, "Ugh... am I supposed to go to some food bank or something and serve there? Or go to some sort of church event? Pour into someone? Man... I'm just so tired though."
Not to mention, I was spiritually burnt-out and bitter on many ends. I didn't trust the Church or other Christian individuals as far as I could throw them. I felt used on many fronts and that many were just on a search to get me on "their side" and "believe what they believe." So I took a step back and decided to not attend church or any Christian group activity. It was useful in the way that I could show myself that no matter where I was at or what I was doing, my relationship with God wouldn't go down the drain. In fact, there's very little about what "I'm doing" and it's all about what God is doing.
Long story short, I read many books and thought about a lot of things, processing as I went. Books like "Chronicles of Narnia" made me long for Jesus and his love, and also, just enjoy the beautiful and adventurous part of God as well. I could open up the Bible at times, and just read small parts, starting out small and really letting the stuff sink in. The biggest help was probably "The Screwtape Letters" by CS Lewis. I began seeing a lot of lies and false thoughts that were described in the book that had been in my own head for years, and seeing how they did make me want to stay away from other Christians and certain teachings. With these few books and the help of a few friends who would sit and listen to me as I discussed my fears, my pains, and grievances, and then give counsel and encouragement back, I began to feel at peace again with God and my own faith. I wanted to go back to church and be in that community of believers, and talking about my faith and learning more and more about God. I knew I had to be careful, because not all my fears and scars were completely healed or gone, but I began to see where I wanted to go.
So now, I have told myself that I don't have to lead Bible study or have these certain qualities to be a "good Christian". I just have to believe in Jesus, and that's it. And it's interesting, because I can see how hard I am on myself in this area and even have a hard time believing it, thinking, "And that's it? You serious?" But it's true. God is way more than enough in all areas of my life. If I have an issue, I have to just ask for help. And if helps doesn't seem at the moment to be right there, keep asking and keep struggling. Because I know God won't fail me. I will fail, but He won't.
And a few good friends keep talking about how I am serving people on a daily basis and for these words, I was so grateful to hear. To go to work, and create things for people day in and day out is a service. I am giving something to people, whether it is time, energy, creative talent, or all of that in one. And I really don't acknowledge my own efforts most of the time, thinking, "This is just what people expect." But even the other day, someone said, "You are quiet lovely with customers. You entertain them, empathize and make them laugh. Just lovely." I had someone else relay a client's comment to me, "You know, my mom was quite impressed that you made your co-worker brownies for his birthday. Seriously. She thought that was so nice."
Someone who I had done a photo shoot with had told me after I had shown her the pictures, "You know Hannah. This is actually a big thing for me. I've really been processing my own beauty and trying to embrace it. These photos are fantastic and are a big turning point for me. I get to see these and see how beautiful I am. Thank you."
I may not be doing outright "ministry", but I'm getting to show people how valuable and beautiful they are day in and day out, and that's all I really want to do.
Dating: Not really much has actually changed here, but I know my overall outlook has. With the lack of connection from my friends and then also, watching many of my peers get engaged, my desire to date has increased. With the added loneliness and the ever wondering question, "So... when is it my turn?" you begin to realize how much you wish you did have someone.
My only remedy for this has been to just make it a point to spend more time with my friends, both male and female. My female friends offer the empathizing and heart-to-heart discussions that I need, and my male friends often make me laugh, remind me to not take life so seriously, and treat me with respect that a man should. They also tend to be very good listeners and have supported me through rough emotional times as well.
I also know to just wait for the right person to come along. I'm in no rush to date or am not pushing the subject. I'm just waiting, knowing that it will all happen when it should and I don't have to force anything. When this guy does come along, I know I want to do my best to love him. Many times, it will be hard and I will have to make a choice each day to love him and I can only hope that I'll be able to do that well. Some friends and I were gathered, and someone turned to a recently engaged male and said, "Holy cow! You're getting married! That's serious." He just laughed and replied "Yeah. It is." The woman goes, "Do you really want to spend the rest of your life with her?" (referring to the fiance who was absent at the time). The guy simply replied, "That's the wrong question. It's not about if I want to. It's about if I'm ready to commit to her, every day, for the rest of my life. If that's the question. Then yes. I'm ready to commit to being with her." At first, I was confused. But then I realized he was referring to how love often is a choice. A choice to put her before him and pursue their relationship. And that answer put me more at ease than if he had simply answered, "Yes, I want to." But I saw that he knew it would take work and was willing to love her, even if he didn't "feel" like it.
However, I have to insert some humorous stories in here, since... my love life tends to be quite entertaining. If anything, I'm just working on avoiding creepy moments when I leave my apartment. Once, I walked into a gas station and noticed a few males glance my away. Feeling uncomfortable, I quickly picked up what I needed and headed to the cashier. One male in particular gave me an obvious look over and all I could think was, "I think he just raped me with his eyes." He then smirked and said, "What's your name?" Trying to find a way out, I just muttered "Uh... I don't know." He then goes, "You got a husband?" I awkwardly laughed and walked out of the gas station, got in my car and drove away as fast as I could.
Anxiety: Last, but not least, my anxiety disorder has seemed to improve. Anxiety always has taken on a different meaning for me than for most. Some will say "I was anxious about a test." For me, I don't really consider myself "anxious" unless I'm beginning to have a panic attack. Then that's when I say, "I was really anxious."
But, the power of those attacks has lessened, or at least, decreased their frequency. One reason is due to the calmness of my life right now. I've settled into a routine, where I go to work and make sure to not push myself too far. I've begun to teach myself how to rest. I've been making sure to work on my current issues, right here and right now, and not run forward, ignoring what is going on inside me, but wrestle with those current issues and face them head on. There are a lot of times where at work, I can see that my anxiety goes up because I somehow think I'm failing or screwing up, despite whether it is logical or not. With a group of people, I'll begin to think about how maybe someone doesn't like me or I'm just so different. With God, I would tend to think that I'm somehow not doing enough or failing in some way. All these are serious enough issues in themselves and I can see that right now, God is letting me focus in on them and wrestling with them. I've learn to talk back to myself, search out truths, and often reality test myself. It's hard work, but I want to continue to fight this.
And I also hope, that in my fight and battle with my own anxiety, I can also help others, in someway or another.
I could go into so much more depth and detail, but that will probably have to wait. This is just a "summary" of everything. Learning so much, but not sure how to quite put it all down. Thanks for reading though! :) And thanks for being there with me through it all.
Monday, August 20, 2012
I Stopped Going to Church & This is What Happened
Hello again! It's been a while huh?
So I have to tell you what I have been up to the past month or so. Well, more like what I haven't been up to: I haven't been going to church and small group.
It's been a very conscious decision on my part to refrain from this activity that in the past, I have solely pushed myself to go to every week. Despite anxiety attacks and what not, I pushed and pursued this activity, determined to follow God. But then it dawned on me: what if I didn't go for a while? If you read my last post about my struggle with religion and spirituality, then you'll probably understand why I chose not to go. Anxiety attacks were on the rampant, especially when it came to spiritual and religious discussions and issues. It was hard for me to connect with God in the midst of an anxiety attack. I realized I was miserably pushing myself to do something when I wasn't really quite sure what it was I wanted to do.
So I stopped going to church.
At first, I felt guilty and a bit scared. I thought, "Ugh... people will freak out if I don't go." and "Do I really think this will help? I'm just being a coward." With those thoughts, I realized I had to teach myself to live in grace. I needed to step back and lean into God's grace and mercy and tell myself, "It's OK if you don't go to church today. Your relationship with God won't fall apart. You'll be fine."
After a week or two, I got better with that aspect.
But I knew there was still more I had to face. I had issues with this idea of church and community that I hadn't quite touched on.
A few weeks went by. I hadn't really heard anyone comment on my absence or really search me out. I felt relieved. I had been scared that people would criticize me for not going and tell me to get over it. But that didn't happen, and I was glad for it.
I began talking with various friends about what I was going through, and many of them, to my surprise, were very supportive of my decision to step back. They all knew how my anxiety was quite a real issue and didn't want me to push myself to go to church if it meant I'd have an anxiety attack all throughout the service. Many could relate to what I was talking about and noted some of the faults within the church, and discussing how they themselves, got past it. Yet, they recognized that I needed to find my own answers and deal with the issue myself.
So after many discussions and some own personal analysis of myself, I soon began to realize what the main problem was:
Me.
To expand on this, I began analyzing my fears and thoughts of church and soon saw that church set off my anxiety because I was so worried about what people thought of me. "Do they think I'm doing this right?" "What if I look like a fool??" "they'll probably see how un-Christian-like I am and think poorly of me." And the thoughts went on and on.
When I realized that this was part of the issue, I saw that the only way to get around it was having to teach myself to not care what other people thought of me. It's not like I would throw out any advice or comments made to me, but to recognize that my relationship between God and I is between just us two. Other people don't make up our relationship: God and I do.
This realization only came recently, and I'm still working on how to deal with it. I've dealt in those areas when it comes to my artwork and my own self-esteem, but my spirituality seems to be an area I have not touched on yet.
The other aspect was that I doubted myself very very much. And I think this is something God has been trying to break me of as well. I'd doubt my own faith, and I'd doubt whether I was really doing things right in regards to my faith. If someone were to ask, "Well, do you believe you were going to heaven?" My reply would have been, "I don't know. What if I have screwed up somewhere along the way and didn't know it? What if I have been missing something very key?" And when I say this question, I don't mean "what if I have chosen the wrong religion" or "I'm not really sure about Jesus all the time", but more so, "what if, I missed something, and... that prevents me. It could be anything. I'm really not that great. I make mistakes all the time. Who am I to go to heaven?"
With this last thought and realization, I saw how damaging those doubts can be. Despite of what I know about Christianity and how things work, I still doubted. And with this, I was putting my own judgement above God's and his power. My faith has always shown me that when God wants something done, he gets it done. And while I need to acknowledge that I have faults and am not perfect what's-so-ever, I also need to heavily see how important I am to God and the value I have in His eyes. His power and love outshine my own fears and doubts any day, and I need to focus on that and NOT how many times I mess up in a day, or how I lack this quality, or didn't read my Bible, and the list goes on.
So there it is again; it's mostly me and my fears preventing me from actually pursuing God and developing what I want out of my faith. God and I have taken many steps in regards to many areas of my life. When it came to my own beauty, I saw very little. Many times, I felt God just yell and say, "Would you please take a good look in the mirror and see how beautiful you are!?! My goodness child, see what I see! Look at yourself! Look!!" When it came to my artwork, I'd give up before I even started. God slowly showed me that it was me holding myself back. So... I began to coax myself and encourage myself. The door to creativity opened, and there I was, making things I was proud of.
And now, in regards to my own spirituality, when I coax myself and battle the lies, I do find God there, stronger and more beautiful than before. I have to repeatedly tell myself that my relationship with God is not determined by others. God's judgement reigns over everyone's. People will constantly come in and out of my life and say, "You are doing this wrong" or "your belief says this? That's stupid," over and over again. But... I have to trust what God is telling me. And there's a little voice that says "So you'll never listen to anyone huh?" No. I'm not saying that. I'm saying though that I will listen to God first and run towards Him, in whatever way and fashion that looks like for me and Him. Maybe that means switching churches, maybe that means not going to church once a month and doing quiet time, or just... whatever.
And the thing is, no one has ever really criticized me and my walk with God. If anything, people often point out how too religious I am or commend me for my faith. So again, I see that it is just me, beating myself down over and over again. Not letting God in and saying, "I'm not good enough for you," and God gentles holds my hands and says, "Who says? No voice is more true or powerful than mine. And I say you are loved and way more valuable than all the stars combined."
So I'm still figuring things out and battling anxiety is never easy, but I'm hopefully making steps. Steps that will last me a lifetime and carry me out until I get to be with God again. :)
So I have to tell you what I have been up to the past month or so. Well, more like what I haven't been up to: I haven't been going to church and small group.
It's been a very conscious decision on my part to refrain from this activity that in the past, I have solely pushed myself to go to every week. Despite anxiety attacks and what not, I pushed and pursued this activity, determined to follow God. But then it dawned on me: what if I didn't go for a while? If you read my last post about my struggle with religion and spirituality, then you'll probably understand why I chose not to go. Anxiety attacks were on the rampant, especially when it came to spiritual and religious discussions and issues. It was hard for me to connect with God in the midst of an anxiety attack. I realized I was miserably pushing myself to do something when I wasn't really quite sure what it was I wanted to do.
So I stopped going to church.
At first, I felt guilty and a bit scared. I thought, "Ugh... people will freak out if I don't go." and "Do I really think this will help? I'm just being a coward." With those thoughts, I realized I had to teach myself to live in grace. I needed to step back and lean into God's grace and mercy and tell myself, "It's OK if you don't go to church today. Your relationship with God won't fall apart. You'll be fine."
After a week or two, I got better with that aspect.
But I knew there was still more I had to face. I had issues with this idea of church and community that I hadn't quite touched on.
A few weeks went by. I hadn't really heard anyone comment on my absence or really search me out. I felt relieved. I had been scared that people would criticize me for not going and tell me to get over it. But that didn't happen, and I was glad for it.
I began talking with various friends about what I was going through, and many of them, to my surprise, were very supportive of my decision to step back. They all knew how my anxiety was quite a real issue and didn't want me to push myself to go to church if it meant I'd have an anxiety attack all throughout the service. Many could relate to what I was talking about and noted some of the faults within the church, and discussing how they themselves, got past it. Yet, they recognized that I needed to find my own answers and deal with the issue myself.
So after many discussions and some own personal analysis of myself, I soon began to realize what the main problem was:
Me.
To expand on this, I began analyzing my fears and thoughts of church and soon saw that church set off my anxiety because I was so worried about what people thought of me. "Do they think I'm doing this right?" "What if I look like a fool??" "they'll probably see how un-Christian-like I am and think poorly of me." And the thoughts went on and on.
When I realized that this was part of the issue, I saw that the only way to get around it was having to teach myself to not care what other people thought of me. It's not like I would throw out any advice or comments made to me, but to recognize that my relationship between God and I is between just us two. Other people don't make up our relationship: God and I do.
This realization only came recently, and I'm still working on how to deal with it. I've dealt in those areas when it comes to my artwork and my own self-esteem, but my spirituality seems to be an area I have not touched on yet.
The other aspect was that I doubted myself very very much. And I think this is something God has been trying to break me of as well. I'd doubt my own faith, and I'd doubt whether I was really doing things right in regards to my faith. If someone were to ask, "Well, do you believe you were going to heaven?" My reply would have been, "I don't know. What if I have screwed up somewhere along the way and didn't know it? What if I have been missing something very key?" And when I say this question, I don't mean "what if I have chosen the wrong religion" or "I'm not really sure about Jesus all the time", but more so, "what if, I missed something, and... that prevents me. It could be anything. I'm really not that great. I make mistakes all the time. Who am I to go to heaven?"
With this last thought and realization, I saw how damaging those doubts can be. Despite of what I know about Christianity and how things work, I still doubted. And with this, I was putting my own judgement above God's and his power. My faith has always shown me that when God wants something done, he gets it done. And while I need to acknowledge that I have faults and am not perfect what's-so-ever, I also need to heavily see how important I am to God and the value I have in His eyes. His power and love outshine my own fears and doubts any day, and I need to focus on that and NOT how many times I mess up in a day, or how I lack this quality, or didn't read my Bible, and the list goes on.
So there it is again; it's mostly me and my fears preventing me from actually pursuing God and developing what I want out of my faith. God and I have taken many steps in regards to many areas of my life. When it came to my own beauty, I saw very little. Many times, I felt God just yell and say, "Would you please take a good look in the mirror and see how beautiful you are!?! My goodness child, see what I see! Look at yourself! Look!!" When it came to my artwork, I'd give up before I even started. God slowly showed me that it was me holding myself back. So... I began to coax myself and encourage myself. The door to creativity opened, and there I was, making things I was proud of.
And now, in regards to my own spirituality, when I coax myself and battle the lies, I do find God there, stronger and more beautiful than before. I have to repeatedly tell myself that my relationship with God is not determined by others. God's judgement reigns over everyone's. People will constantly come in and out of my life and say, "You are doing this wrong" or "your belief says this? That's stupid," over and over again. But... I have to trust what God is telling me. And there's a little voice that says "So you'll never listen to anyone huh?" No. I'm not saying that. I'm saying though that I will listen to God first and run towards Him, in whatever way and fashion that looks like for me and Him. Maybe that means switching churches, maybe that means not going to church once a month and doing quiet time, or just... whatever.
And the thing is, no one has ever really criticized me and my walk with God. If anything, people often point out how too religious I am or commend me for my faith. So again, I see that it is just me, beating myself down over and over again. Not letting God in and saying, "I'm not good enough for you," and God gentles holds my hands and says, "Who says? No voice is more true or powerful than mine. And I say you are loved and way more valuable than all the stars combined."
So I'm still figuring things out and battling anxiety is never easy, but I'm hopefully making steps. Steps that will last me a lifetime and carry me out until I get to be with God again. :)
Silly Work Days
So... I like my job. Like seriously.
It came as a huge surprise to me when I began to realize it and I was even hesitant to say it at first. "What if I say it now, but then later, end up not liking it??" entered into my mind. But... I have to realize that there are times when I will like things and other times, when I won't. What matters is that I'm also committed to this job, and will come day in and day out, no matter what.
But really, I do like my job.
There are stressful times, with deadlines that come too soon, lack of inspiration moments that I must push through, and lots of people coming to you with lots of ideas and expecting you to be a miracle worker and "just do it all at once". But even despite all those, I can get through that with supportive friends, families, and well... co-workers! The past week or two, I was kind of surprised at my own co-workers helping me push along some stressful work load and doing their best to encourage me and talk to me about some stuff.
A week or two ago, I had stopped by one of my co-workers who's about my age and asked him, "Hey, do you think I work hard?" He paused, nodded and said, "Yeah... I think so." I nodded and then walked away, hoping that my hard work was being seen by others. I think I also left him a bit puzzled since the question was sort out of nowhere.
A week later, as I was working nearby, he began talking to me and said, "Hey, I heard John say he's really impressed with your work. He was bragging about it and says he's like what you're doing. So... you're doing a good job." It didn't really hit me till later that he was probably trying to reassure me that people could tell I was working hard. Others began complimenting me on all the work I had been doing and I felt relieved. Glad that my efforts were being noticed and they were working.
After the stressful work order had mostly passed, I could relax a bit more and take more time to talk with others. I've begun a war where I go and change my friend's desktop background, having all sorts of fun with it. I walked in the next morning after I changed it and he turned to me and said, "YOU!!! It was you!!!" I just smiled and said, "Happy Friday!"
Later on that day, I walked in and sat down at my desk. My screen saver soon popped up as I shuffled papers on my desk around and I noticed one of the pictures looked a bit different. (My screen saver does a slideshow of pictures I have taken in the past). When I got a closer look, I saw that Batman had been placed in the image along with the bat signal. I instantly knew who was and turned to one of my pre-press co-workers and said, "How did Batman get in my photo!" I began searching through other photographs and saw that he had photoshopped quite a few of my photos. I still have to figure out a way to get back at him, but I was glad to find someone else at work who likes to pull pranks or be silly.
It came as a huge surprise to me when I began to realize it and I was even hesitant to say it at first. "What if I say it now, but then later, end up not liking it??" entered into my mind. But... I have to realize that there are times when I will like things and other times, when I won't. What matters is that I'm also committed to this job, and will come day in and day out, no matter what.
But really, I do like my job.
There are stressful times, with deadlines that come too soon, lack of inspiration moments that I must push through, and lots of people coming to you with lots of ideas and expecting you to be a miracle worker and "just do it all at once". But even despite all those, I can get through that with supportive friends, families, and well... co-workers! The past week or two, I was kind of surprised at my own co-workers helping me push along some stressful work load and doing their best to encourage me and talk to me about some stuff.
A week or two ago, I had stopped by one of my co-workers who's about my age and asked him, "Hey, do you think I work hard?" He paused, nodded and said, "Yeah... I think so." I nodded and then walked away, hoping that my hard work was being seen by others. I think I also left him a bit puzzled since the question was sort out of nowhere.
A week later, as I was working nearby, he began talking to me and said, "Hey, I heard John say he's really impressed with your work. He was bragging about it and says he's like what you're doing. So... you're doing a good job." It didn't really hit me till later that he was probably trying to reassure me that people could tell I was working hard. Others began complimenting me on all the work I had been doing and I felt relieved. Glad that my efforts were being noticed and they were working.
After the stressful work order had mostly passed, I could relax a bit more and take more time to talk with others. I've begun a war where I go and change my friend's desktop background, having all sorts of fun with it. I walked in the next morning after I changed it and he turned to me and said, "YOU!!! It was you!!!" I just smiled and said, "Happy Friday!"
Later on that day, I walked in and sat down at my desk. My screen saver soon popped up as I shuffled papers on my desk around and I noticed one of the pictures looked a bit different. (My screen saver does a slideshow of pictures I have taken in the past). When I got a closer look, I saw that Batman had been placed in the image along with the bat signal. I instantly knew who was and turned to one of my pre-press co-workers and said, "How did Batman get in my photo!" I began searching through other photographs and saw that he had photoshopped quite a few of my photos. I still have to figure out a way to get back at him, but I was glad to find someone else at work who likes to pull pranks or be silly.
That afternoon (I guess it was just a silly Friday), I had walked out of the bathroom and the accountant lady saw me and had been waiting to use it. She exclaimed, "You! It's you again! It's always you in the bathroom." I just laughed and said, "You got to be a bit quicker to get in there." She turned to one of the guys about my age and she goes, "You see that! She's always in the bathroom." I began laughing and he took out his flash light and pointed it at me. I yelled, "Hey! Don't flash me!" as I walked by. He then threw his hands up in the air and then on his hips and said, "I DO WHAT I WANT!!" I then threw my hands up in the air and said, "BAH! WHATEVER!" And then all of us started laughing.
For me, work environment can really make or break a place. I mean, you do spend most of your time there anyways. I'm also lucky that I get to be the only graphic designer here and get to act like a sort of art director. There's no one directly supervising me, which fits me and my personality perfectly. I get to roam, and be creative as I go. It makes me motivated to work really hard and keep pushing out more and more work. It's just a major plus that I work in a small company and everyone is super nice and helpful. I really like it.
Plus, I get free printing. Who wouldn't love that as a designer?
Saturday, August 4, 2012
Out of Sight
Haven't posted a video in a while, neh? I came across this and thought it was cute. There's a twist that you should pick up quickly on. I like it. Enjoy!
Wednesday, August 1, 2012
Notes
I've been cleaning out my room and I've come across some notes and letters written to me. New thing about me: I always keep notes and letters people have written to me. Back in high school, my friends and I went through this phase where we constantly wrote notes to each other. Class would get boring, so we'd entertain ourselves with writing notes about whatever and folding them in weird or crazy ways. We'd then deliver them to each other in between classes and read the note in the next class. It was quite fun.
As I've gotten older, notes and letters aren't really used that often, which I think is a shame. But I'm still blessed with people who take time out of their day and have sat down and actually written to me. They're usually so heart warming and touching, and I can't just bare the idea of throwing them away. So I keep them and have a big stash of them; from the small notes in high school, to long lovely letters from friends. And at times when I'm alone, and come across them, I sit down and read them, and feel so loved.
It was especially nice the other day as I came across a few letters. I've been spending a lot of time alone lately and wonder if I'm becoming anti-social and won't have any friends. But when I read these letters, I see that I am so blessed with so many people who care about me. It even brought a few tears to my eyes as I read them and many memories danced in my head. I hope I can see many of these people soon and get to spend more time with them.
Photograph taken by Hannah Morris. ® All rights reserved.
Wednesday, July 25, 2012
I Considered Not Being a Christian Anymore
Hi Friends,
So today, I'm going personal. I'm going personal to a level beyond normal. I normally like to go deep, but I feel as if I need to share what has been going on inside me. The raw and realness of it. I won't give you metaphors or allude to it. I will tell you straight out.
I've been thinking of going back on my faith. To not being a Christian.
Before you freak out, hear me out.
For most of you, you've known what I've been dealing with the past year and half. 2011 was horrible and 2012 has been full of recovering and intense healing from the events in 2011. I developed an anxiety disorder, where I'd have mild panic attacks daily and more intense ones from time to time; and my emotions were either numb or all over the place. I held it in for the most part, going about my daily business. People close to me did witness my emotions and outbursts. I couldn't hide it from them and I don't think they would let me. Thank you guys.
At the end of 2011, I was seriously believing that I didn't want to be a graphic designer, photographer or anything to do with art. I was tired of it all. I'd go to critique in class and do my best to keep my composure as my chest would tighten, my throat would burn, and my thoughts were going rampant. I was fed up with having to perform and create, day in and day out. I felt great relief when someone said, "Hannah, you don't have to become a graphic designer". It was suddenly like "Whew."
I decided to apply to a ministry gig (internship). I thought that God may want me there and didn't want to pass up the opportunity to at least try for it.
However, I had struggles with that. I was afraid that people were thinking that I wasn't cut out for the job. God got mad at me once and yelled, "WHY DO YOU CARE WHAT THEY THINK!!? DOES IT NOT MATTER THAT I ASKED YOU TO APPLY?? I AM GOD!!" It hurt, but it was good. It cut off an anxiety attack that was just about to rise up. God saw that my thoughts were in a downward spiral and stopped them pretty quick with that firm reprimand.
I didn't get the job though. I don't think I even got an interview.
It hurt. It definitely did. It led me to question many things about myself and my faith. I talked with others and they did their best to encourage me and bring up my spirits. But it still hurt.
In the meantime, I had begun going to therapy. I was finally getting some help for my dreaded anxiety. I was facing issues and getting the resources on how to do it. It was insanely hard though. It often felt like I would take two steps forward and three steps back. At first, I wasn't sure it was even helping, but I could see small improvements that encouraged me to go.
One of the first major signs was with my artwork:
You must understand: creating artwork is very connected to a person's spirit. And whether I would like to admit it or not, I've been drawing and creating art since I was very young. I have specific memories to teaching myself how to draw and color and getting super excited about it. I'd always get stoked when a camera was placed in my hand and fiddle with it. I found free imitations of photoshop and began teaching myself things. I've always been making art. I never really give much thought to it because it just happens. It's natural for me. It feels necessary for me most of the times. It's how I understand the world and myself.
Back to the story though:
In therapy at one point, my therapist pointed out that I could never be a perfectionist when it came to artwork. She said, "Well, just view it as if you make a mistake, then you learned and you can do better next time." I was in the midst of my senior design thesis project at this point, constantly beating myself up for how crappy it was. One night though, as I was working, I remembered her words and had to repeatedly tell myself, "It's OK if it's not perfect. There will be good pieces and bad pieces. But each one, you learn something new. I can make a bad project, but make a better one later. I will learn." It was hard to instill this to myself, but I saw the more I said it, the lower my anxiety went. Soon, I was enjoying the project and creativity was flowing. I had all sorts of ideas and could try out tons of different things.
Suddenly, a door that had been shut for a very long time opened up, and out flowed many wonderful things. I rediscovered my creativity.
I was still unsure of what I wanted to do for a job though. I applied for one graphic design position, not even sure if I wanted the job. After the interview, I was first tempted to have anxiety over it. They wanted so much and I thought that I surely could not meet their requirements. But I then turned the thought around and said, "But... I could also learn a lot. I could try out so many things. I could make all sorts of things." And suddenly, excitement was instilled in me and I was darn sure I would get the job.
Then, someone else got the job.
I had to shrug and take it as I went. I was trusting that God would somehow take care of me and just thought, "Well, must be something else then." My mom even said to me, "Must not be your train honey. Don't try running after a train that isn't yours." We discussed how often life leads us to where we need to go and that I will be OK.
One week later, the girl turned down the offer and they offered me the job. Just days before I graduated college.
I. Was. Stoked.
I could go on and on about it, but long story short, I am now a full time graphic designer and I love it. I'm also working on becoming a photographer too and I just get excited thinking about that! I'm diving more and more into design and photography as I go. At first, I was pretty anxiety driven, scared of failing or that I was somehow doing things wrong. But my creativity began flowing and I kept having to give myself peps talks (or calling other designers and them giving me peps talks. haha.) and I began to feel passionate about my artwork again.
Now you're probably wondering how my faith and being a Christian has anything to do with this, right?
Well, I realized how much my struggle with art seems similar to my struggle with my faith. They aren't completely the same, but they do share similarities.
You see, when it comes to my faith, there's so much judgement I feel. I can see that I have many past hurts in regards to my own spirituality that I never faced up to; and now, I am scarred and easily believing in lies. I compare myself to others constantly and often feel so different from any Christian I meet. They always seem so strong and confident, and I often feel like I'm wavering in the wind. And well, there's a Christian culture that I'm not quite sure that I'll get used to. People use words like "sanctification", "prayer warriors", "put your sins down at the cross" and so much more, that I'm just either very confused or turned off. (Am I the only that feels this way about "Christianese"??? lol)
People constantly turn to ministers, pastors, and religious leadership for advice and it often feels like that if you're not in that position, you can't help someone out spiritually. I don't know the Bible like the back of my hand and prayer doesn't necessarily come easily to me (especially praying out loud). So I often felt.... not important or that I was doing something wrong, despite being in a leadership position myself for many years.
I know we all struggle with this on some level, but my struggle went pretty deep and came out with physical reactions in my body. I'd go to a Christian camp, and just have anxiety from the moment I'd wake up in the morning, to the very moment I'd close my eyes to sleep. Opening the Bible felt painful, with an anxiety attack in full gear, and I did my best to not run out of the room. Even by myself, opening the Bible felt like I was facing a terrifying tiger, ready to claw out my soul and tear at my heart. Listening to sermons would aways somehow bring out the tightness in my chest, and a burning in my throat. Again, I wanted to run. During worship, I did my best to reach out to God, but always felt held back. Every time though, I told God, "I'm going to keep trying. I'm going to keep pushing and going. I won't give up. I want a relationship with you."
And yes, there were many times where I was like, "God, it's so hard. Please. Please. I don't know if I want to do this anymore." But I kept going.
My other main struggle is this: I don't really want to evangelize. I'm not passionate about it. I can see that I've mainly done it because I felt like I had to and that... "it's what a good Christian does". It's what I HAVE to do in order to be a good Christian.
But I go to work, and I don't even think about telling them about Jesus. I don't think about sharing my faith and more often than not, I don't really think I want to.
Yes. I'm admitting that.
And that has been one of my biggest struggles this past year. It's what I've been basing most of my decision on, "Am I really committing to Jesus? Am I really being a Christian? Or just acting like it?" And as my focus has been switching from ministry to art, I begin to question even more and am like, "I'm not focusing on God 100%. I'm enjoying art and diving more into that. My calling feels like it is design and art, but surely, that's not very Christian of me."
It's crazy, but as I'm typing this, I'm beginning to cry.
I cry because I realize how damaging all these lies are.
It's so sad, because I've begun to realize, that the more I dive into art, the more I fall in love with God. The more I'm astounded with the beauty around me and just want to sit in awe. I find God so creative and wonderful and my soul resonates in a way I've never known before. I smile ear from ear, not stepping back in pure panic like I used to.
I go to work and want to love on my co-workers around me. I want to be silly with them and make them smile. I bring them baked goods, trying to create a more homey and friendly atmosphere. I feel called to love them just as they are and bring out the best in them. Some even have very weird hobbies, but somehow, they come to me, talking about their interests and showing me all sorts of things. I love making people's ideas and dreams come true, taking what they want and making it become a reality because I have the talent and know-how. I love making people look cool and beautiful in photos. I enjoy even taking products shots of things people have made and giving it back to them so that they can look in awe and go, "Wow. I made that." And I can reply, "Yes you did. you did all the work. I only make it look good and give you the resources to share it with the world." I am totally passionate about that.
And the thing is, when I go past all the lies and dig in very very deep, I find God there, quietly waiting in my soul. Jesus sits there and I run to him and it's there that I feel so loved and free. After being present with him, I feel like I then go out and love the world, both physically, spiritually, and emotionally.
Haha. That's the funny thing. I have considered going back on my faith and not calling myself a "Christian", but when I dig into my own very fibers, there's Jesus, a very critical part of me. I can see that it's not that I don't want to be a Christian. It's just that I constantly judge myself and tell myself I'm not on the right path. I tell myself that I am so different from everyone else and surely, I do not belong in the church or any sort of group. I compare myself to others and think "I am not like them. So I must be wrong." I believe in lies fed to me and then want to turn away from God. I think, "God I'm not going the right way. Surely, I am not suited for you." And God sighs and just sits there, until I turn around and realize there's no turning away. He wills always be there, with me, no matter where I go. That's the one thing I do have though: my faith. I don't think my faith in God will ever leave me (so long as God desires), and I will never doubt his presence.
In all this process, I tried reading a book that was more on the spiritual end than the Christian theological end. I barely got 20 pages in and wanted to throw it away. It felt wrong and I just felt disgusted. I didn't want spiritual or philosophical stuff, I wanted the raw love of God. The raw love of God that I experience in Christianity.
So yes, I'm going to say it again. I thought about not calling myself a Christian. I thought about turning away and doing things... differently? But the reality is, I see now that it's been mostly myself judging me and my actions. I put my own judgement above God's. I aim to people please, which is more like worshipping people than God. It's similar with my struggle with art, in that, when I stop judging myself, comparing myself, and believing the lies, suddenly, a flow gate is opened up and out pours love. Outpours a peace and joy that I can only experience from the ultimate source: God.
I share this struggle because I feel like I must not be the only one who feels this way. Who feels judgement from the church, the lack of encouragement in their faith in regards to more secular callings, and the constant comparison game we all like to play. Yes, the church has failed us (and it has failed me), but God hasn't. And I don't want other people, no matter who they are, getting in the way of my relationship with God and who he's calling me to be.
If you want to pray for me, please do. I'm only beginning this journey in regards to my faith and battling the lies. It will take a lot of effort, but I know God can get me through. Thank you.
So today, I'm going personal. I'm going personal to a level beyond normal. I normally like to go deep, but I feel as if I need to share what has been going on inside me. The raw and realness of it. I won't give you metaphors or allude to it. I will tell you straight out.
I've been thinking of going back on my faith. To not being a Christian.
Before you freak out, hear me out.
For most of you, you've known what I've been dealing with the past year and half. 2011 was horrible and 2012 has been full of recovering and intense healing from the events in 2011. I developed an anxiety disorder, where I'd have mild panic attacks daily and more intense ones from time to time; and my emotions were either numb or all over the place. I held it in for the most part, going about my daily business. People close to me did witness my emotions and outbursts. I couldn't hide it from them and I don't think they would let me. Thank you guys.
At the end of 2011, I was seriously believing that I didn't want to be a graphic designer, photographer or anything to do with art. I was tired of it all. I'd go to critique in class and do my best to keep my composure as my chest would tighten, my throat would burn, and my thoughts were going rampant. I was fed up with having to perform and create, day in and day out. I felt great relief when someone said, "Hannah, you don't have to become a graphic designer". It was suddenly like "Whew."
I decided to apply to a ministry gig (internship). I thought that God may want me there and didn't want to pass up the opportunity to at least try for it.
However, I had struggles with that. I was afraid that people were thinking that I wasn't cut out for the job. God got mad at me once and yelled, "WHY DO YOU CARE WHAT THEY THINK!!? DOES IT NOT MATTER THAT I ASKED YOU TO APPLY?? I AM GOD!!" It hurt, but it was good. It cut off an anxiety attack that was just about to rise up. God saw that my thoughts were in a downward spiral and stopped them pretty quick with that firm reprimand.
I didn't get the job though. I don't think I even got an interview.
It hurt. It definitely did. It led me to question many things about myself and my faith. I talked with others and they did their best to encourage me and bring up my spirits. But it still hurt.
In the meantime, I had begun going to therapy. I was finally getting some help for my dreaded anxiety. I was facing issues and getting the resources on how to do it. It was insanely hard though. It often felt like I would take two steps forward and three steps back. At first, I wasn't sure it was even helping, but I could see small improvements that encouraged me to go.
One of the first major signs was with my artwork:
You must understand: creating artwork is very connected to a person's spirit. And whether I would like to admit it or not, I've been drawing and creating art since I was very young. I have specific memories to teaching myself how to draw and color and getting super excited about it. I'd always get stoked when a camera was placed in my hand and fiddle with it. I found free imitations of photoshop and began teaching myself things. I've always been making art. I never really give much thought to it because it just happens. It's natural for me. It feels necessary for me most of the times. It's how I understand the world and myself.
Back to the story though:
In therapy at one point, my therapist pointed out that I could never be a perfectionist when it came to artwork. She said, "Well, just view it as if you make a mistake, then you learned and you can do better next time." I was in the midst of my senior design thesis project at this point, constantly beating myself up for how crappy it was. One night though, as I was working, I remembered her words and had to repeatedly tell myself, "It's OK if it's not perfect. There will be good pieces and bad pieces. But each one, you learn something new. I can make a bad project, but make a better one later. I will learn." It was hard to instill this to myself, but I saw the more I said it, the lower my anxiety went. Soon, I was enjoying the project and creativity was flowing. I had all sorts of ideas and could try out tons of different things.
Suddenly, a door that had been shut for a very long time opened up, and out flowed many wonderful things. I rediscovered my creativity.
I was still unsure of what I wanted to do for a job though. I applied for one graphic design position, not even sure if I wanted the job. After the interview, I was first tempted to have anxiety over it. They wanted so much and I thought that I surely could not meet their requirements. But I then turned the thought around and said, "But... I could also learn a lot. I could try out so many things. I could make all sorts of things." And suddenly, excitement was instilled in me and I was darn sure I would get the job.
Then, someone else got the job.
I had to shrug and take it as I went. I was trusting that God would somehow take care of me and just thought, "Well, must be something else then." My mom even said to me, "Must not be your train honey. Don't try running after a train that isn't yours." We discussed how often life leads us to where we need to go and that I will be OK.
One week later, the girl turned down the offer and they offered me the job. Just days before I graduated college.
I. Was. Stoked.
I could go on and on about it, but long story short, I am now a full time graphic designer and I love it. I'm also working on becoming a photographer too and I just get excited thinking about that! I'm diving more and more into design and photography as I go. At first, I was pretty anxiety driven, scared of failing or that I was somehow doing things wrong. But my creativity began flowing and I kept having to give myself peps talks (or calling other designers and them giving me peps talks. haha.) and I began to feel passionate about my artwork again.
Now you're probably wondering how my faith and being a Christian has anything to do with this, right?
Well, I realized how much my struggle with art seems similar to my struggle with my faith. They aren't completely the same, but they do share similarities.
You see, when it comes to my faith, there's so much judgement I feel. I can see that I have many past hurts in regards to my own spirituality that I never faced up to; and now, I am scarred and easily believing in lies. I compare myself to others constantly and often feel so different from any Christian I meet. They always seem so strong and confident, and I often feel like I'm wavering in the wind. And well, there's a Christian culture that I'm not quite sure that I'll get used to. People use words like "sanctification", "prayer warriors", "put your sins down at the cross" and so much more, that I'm just either very confused or turned off. (Am I the only that feels this way about "Christianese"??? lol)
People constantly turn to ministers, pastors, and religious leadership for advice and it often feels like that if you're not in that position, you can't help someone out spiritually. I don't know the Bible like the back of my hand and prayer doesn't necessarily come easily to me (especially praying out loud). So I often felt.... not important or that I was doing something wrong, despite being in a leadership position myself for many years.
I know we all struggle with this on some level, but my struggle went pretty deep and came out with physical reactions in my body. I'd go to a Christian camp, and just have anxiety from the moment I'd wake up in the morning, to the very moment I'd close my eyes to sleep. Opening the Bible felt painful, with an anxiety attack in full gear, and I did my best to not run out of the room. Even by myself, opening the Bible felt like I was facing a terrifying tiger, ready to claw out my soul and tear at my heart. Listening to sermons would aways somehow bring out the tightness in my chest, and a burning in my throat. Again, I wanted to run. During worship, I did my best to reach out to God, but always felt held back. Every time though, I told God, "I'm going to keep trying. I'm going to keep pushing and going. I won't give up. I want a relationship with you."
And yes, there were many times where I was like, "God, it's so hard. Please. Please. I don't know if I want to do this anymore." But I kept going.
My other main struggle is this: I don't really want to evangelize. I'm not passionate about it. I can see that I've mainly done it because I felt like I had to and that... "it's what a good Christian does". It's what I HAVE to do in order to be a good Christian.
But I go to work, and I don't even think about telling them about Jesus. I don't think about sharing my faith and more often than not, I don't really think I want to.
Yes. I'm admitting that.
And that has been one of my biggest struggles this past year. It's what I've been basing most of my decision on, "Am I really committing to Jesus? Am I really being a Christian? Or just acting like it?" And as my focus has been switching from ministry to art, I begin to question even more and am like, "I'm not focusing on God 100%. I'm enjoying art and diving more into that. My calling feels like it is design and art, but surely, that's not very Christian of me."
It's crazy, but as I'm typing this, I'm beginning to cry.
I cry because I realize how damaging all these lies are.
It's so sad, because I've begun to realize, that the more I dive into art, the more I fall in love with God. The more I'm astounded with the beauty around me and just want to sit in awe. I find God so creative and wonderful and my soul resonates in a way I've never known before. I smile ear from ear, not stepping back in pure panic like I used to.
I go to work and want to love on my co-workers around me. I want to be silly with them and make them smile. I bring them baked goods, trying to create a more homey and friendly atmosphere. I feel called to love them just as they are and bring out the best in them. Some even have very weird hobbies, but somehow, they come to me, talking about their interests and showing me all sorts of things. I love making people's ideas and dreams come true, taking what they want and making it become a reality because I have the talent and know-how. I love making people look cool and beautiful in photos. I enjoy even taking products shots of things people have made and giving it back to them so that they can look in awe and go, "Wow. I made that." And I can reply, "Yes you did. you did all the work. I only make it look good and give you the resources to share it with the world." I am totally passionate about that.
And the thing is, when I go past all the lies and dig in very very deep, I find God there, quietly waiting in my soul. Jesus sits there and I run to him and it's there that I feel so loved and free. After being present with him, I feel like I then go out and love the world, both physically, spiritually, and emotionally.
Haha. That's the funny thing. I have considered going back on my faith and not calling myself a "Christian", but when I dig into my own very fibers, there's Jesus, a very critical part of me. I can see that it's not that I don't want to be a Christian. It's just that I constantly judge myself and tell myself I'm not on the right path. I tell myself that I am so different from everyone else and surely, I do not belong in the church or any sort of group. I compare myself to others and think "I am not like them. So I must be wrong." I believe in lies fed to me and then want to turn away from God. I think, "God I'm not going the right way. Surely, I am not suited for you." And God sighs and just sits there, until I turn around and realize there's no turning away. He wills always be there, with me, no matter where I go. That's the one thing I do have though: my faith. I don't think my faith in God will ever leave me (so long as God desires), and I will never doubt his presence.
In all this process, I tried reading a book that was more on the spiritual end than the Christian theological end. I barely got 20 pages in and wanted to throw it away. It felt wrong and I just felt disgusted. I didn't want spiritual or philosophical stuff, I wanted the raw love of God. The raw love of God that I experience in Christianity.
So yes, I'm going to say it again. I thought about not calling myself a Christian. I thought about turning away and doing things... differently? But the reality is, I see now that it's been mostly myself judging me and my actions. I put my own judgement above God's. I aim to people please, which is more like worshipping people than God. It's similar with my struggle with art, in that, when I stop judging myself, comparing myself, and believing the lies, suddenly, a flow gate is opened up and out pours love. Outpours a peace and joy that I can only experience from the ultimate source: God.
I share this struggle because I feel like I must not be the only one who feels this way. Who feels judgement from the church, the lack of encouragement in their faith in regards to more secular callings, and the constant comparison game we all like to play. Yes, the church has failed us (and it has failed me), but God hasn't. And I don't want other people, no matter who they are, getting in the way of my relationship with God and who he's calling me to be.
If you want to pray for me, please do. I'm only beginning this journey in regards to my faith and battling the lies. It will take a lot of effort, but I know God can get me through. Thank you.
Tuesday, July 17, 2012
An Awesome Birthday
So I have to give all my friends props: they are SUPER AWESOME!!! My birthday was the other day, and they all made me feel so special. :)
Here's what happened. I was driving back to Tucson after having dinner with my family in Phoenix. It was my "birthday dinner", since I wouldn't actually be able to see them and celebrate on my actual birthday, which was the next day. I thought about how what I would really love was to just have all my close friends around me on my actual birthday and just wish me a "Happy Birthday".
But alas, many of my close friends are in other cities, states, or countries. I knew I wouldn't be able to get to see them. And while I still had friends in my city to celebrate it, my birthday landed on a Monday, which just seemed like an awkward day to have some sort of party and such. And really, I didn't want a party. I just wanted my friends by my side, eating good food and having good quality conversations.
So with these limitations, but still the desire to see my friends' faces, I texted a few people asking them to make me a video of them wishing me a "Happy Birthday". I missed them and I really just wanted to see them. I didn't text a lot of people, just a few, unsure of who would really do it.
And of course, I also soon had a brief moment of doubt and fear that I was somehow being selfish. I was being selfish to request people to do anything for me and should just be satisfied with whatever I was given. I didn't want to be a burden to anyone or force anyone to do anything.
Thankfully, a good friend reminded me that I wasn't being selfish and that people often want to do things for others, especially on their birthdays. If anything, it was great that I had given some guidelines and been specific about what I wanted, which would leave a lot of guesswork out for people.
So my birthday rolled around, and as I saw each new video, I became incredibly happy. I felt so touched and loved and couldn't believe how great some of the videos I received were. People made me laugh and smile and feel truly touched with their words. I knew I always liked having videos made for me and finally asking for them, and receiving them so wonderfully made my birthday truly awesome.
I went out to dinner later that night and laughed and ate great food with a few good friends. The food was excellent and so was the company. I had asked for my leftovers to be boxed and was excited that I would have a tasty lunch for the next day. Later, when I asked for my box, the waitress came back and apologized, saying that my leftovers had been thrown away by the dishwasher. I shrugged at first, disappointed, but being OK. She then quickly added, "So, we're making you a whole new meal and you can take that with you instead. If that's ok." I just smiled and said, "Of course that's OK!! Thank you!!" My friend Nate quickly added, "It is her birthday after all." The waitress went, "Oh wait! What? It's your birthday?? You should have told me." We just laughed and after a while, she gave me my box. My friends just looked and and said, "I don't know how you did it, but you still got free food."
So thank you to all my friends who wished me a happy birthday and sent me videos. I truly loved them. I know some of you said you will send a video later and I look forward to seeing it. Seriously guys, you all made my birthday truly wonderful. :) Love you guys!!
Here's what happened. I was driving back to Tucson after having dinner with my family in Phoenix. It was my "birthday dinner", since I wouldn't actually be able to see them and celebrate on my actual birthday, which was the next day. I thought about how what I would really love was to just have all my close friends around me on my actual birthday and just wish me a "Happy Birthday".
But alas, many of my close friends are in other cities, states, or countries. I knew I wouldn't be able to get to see them. And while I still had friends in my city to celebrate it, my birthday landed on a Monday, which just seemed like an awkward day to have some sort of party and such. And really, I didn't want a party. I just wanted my friends by my side, eating good food and having good quality conversations.
So with these limitations, but still the desire to see my friends' faces, I texted a few people asking them to make me a video of them wishing me a "Happy Birthday". I missed them and I really just wanted to see them. I didn't text a lot of people, just a few, unsure of who would really do it.
And of course, I also soon had a brief moment of doubt and fear that I was somehow being selfish. I was being selfish to request people to do anything for me and should just be satisfied with whatever I was given. I didn't want to be a burden to anyone or force anyone to do anything.
Thankfully, a good friend reminded me that I wasn't being selfish and that people often want to do things for others, especially on their birthdays. If anything, it was great that I had given some guidelines and been specific about what I wanted, which would leave a lot of guesswork out for people.
So my birthday rolled around, and as I saw each new video, I became incredibly happy. I felt so touched and loved and couldn't believe how great some of the videos I received were. People made me laugh and smile and feel truly touched with their words. I knew I always liked having videos made for me and finally asking for them, and receiving them so wonderfully made my birthday truly awesome.
I went out to dinner later that night and laughed and ate great food with a few good friends. The food was excellent and so was the company. I had asked for my leftovers to be boxed and was excited that I would have a tasty lunch for the next day. Later, when I asked for my box, the waitress came back and apologized, saying that my leftovers had been thrown away by the dishwasher. I shrugged at first, disappointed, but being OK. She then quickly added, "So, we're making you a whole new meal and you can take that with you instead. If that's ok." I just smiled and said, "Of course that's OK!! Thank you!!" My friend Nate quickly added, "It is her birthday after all." The waitress went, "Oh wait! What? It's your birthday?? You should have told me." We just laughed and after a while, she gave me my box. My friends just looked and and said, "I don't know how you did it, but you still got free food."
So thank you to all my friends who wished me a happy birthday and sent me videos. I truly loved them. I know some of you said you will send a video later and I look forward to seeing it. Seriously guys, you all made my birthday truly wonderful. :) Love you guys!!
Sunday, July 15, 2012
"Conversations with God"
So, I've begun to read this book called "Conversations with God: an uncommon dialogue". A friend recommended to me and liked it so much, he shipped me a copy.
Honestly, I wasn't sure what to expect and still am unsure. I've barely finished the first chapter and I'm still processing a lot of it. There are some things that I think I may disagree with, and other things, that I totally love. I've read a few reviews of the book and they've been very helpful as I process the information. But I did want to share the tidbit that made me tear up as I read it. This is supposedly what God said to Neale:
God is love and no matter what we do, He will love us. As I was reading some of the blogs I follow, one of the bloggers posted this verse and I thought it fit perfectly:
Honestly, I wasn't sure what to expect and still am unsure. I've barely finished the first chapter and I'm still processing a lot of it. There are some things that I think I may disagree with, and other things, that I totally love. I've read a few reviews of the book and they've been very helpful as I process the information. But I did want to share the tidbit that made me tear up as I read it. This is supposedly what God said to Neale:
" ....And the reason is found in the first lie – the lie which you hold as the truth about God – that God cannot be trusted; that God's love cannot be depended upon; that God's acceptance of you is conditional; that the ultimate outcome is thus in doubt. For if you cannot depend on God's love to always be there, on who's love can you depend? If God retreats and withdraws when you do not perform properly, will not mere mortals also?
....And so, it is that in the moment you pledge your highest love, you greet your greatest fear.
For the first thing you worry about after saying "I love you" is whether you'll hear it back. And if you hear it back, then you begin immediately to worry that the love you have just found, you will lose. And so all action becomes a reaction – defense against loss – even as you seek to defend yourself against the loss of God.
Yet, if you knew Who You Are – that you are the most magnificent, the most remarkable, the most splendid being God has ever created – you would never fear. For who could reject such wondrous magnificence? Not even God could find fault in such a being.
But you do not know Who You Are, and you think you are a great deal less."
(pg. 16)It hurt my heart to read the first paragraph. I know I've had to learn to deal with my own trust issues with God and have believed that his love was conditional. As human beings, it's hard for us to understand an unconditional love. We've learned from our family, friends, and others that if we fail or somehow mess up, they may not love us back. But God doesn't work like that.
God is love and no matter what we do, He will love us. As I was reading some of the blogs I follow, one of the bloggers posted this verse and I thought it fit perfectly:
"And I am convinced that nothing can separate us from God's love. Neither death nor life, neither angels nor demons, neither our fears for today or our worries about tomorrow--not even the powers of hell can separate us from God's love. No power in the sky above or in the earth below--indeed, nothing in all creation will ever be able to separate us from the love of God that is revealed in Christ Jesus our Lord." -Romans 8:37-39Awesome. :)
Wednesday, July 11, 2012
Laughter Through Tears
This week has been a rough one, I will admit. My friend, Nate, has Crohn's Disease and he had a really bad flare up. This ended up involving many trips to the emergency room, holding his hand as he yelled and breathed heavily, telling nurse after nurse his information, texting family and friends, sending them updates, and lots and lots of waiting.
Crohn's Disease is an all too familiar disease, as I have dated someone once with it. It's an auto-immune disorder where the body attacks itself. They have to be super careful of what they eat, take good care of their bodies, and find a medication that works for them. Even then, flare ups are often normal without a warning, and they're left, curled up on the floor, throwing up and in intense pain.
On Sunday, I spent about 6 hours in the ER, with 3 or 4 of those hours, just waiting for some care to come. My anxiety was running because I had a job I needed to finish up and had been originally planning to use that time to get it done. Alas, the job would have to wait and my friend needed me now. I wouldn't dare leave his side at a time like this.
"Tomorrow," I told myself "I can get that job done and things finished up."
I went home exhausted and slept for maybe 3 hours, and got up, and went to work.
I was tired at work, but pulled through. Came home and checked on Nate. He seemed OK. I was only a bit concerned because he still seemed really tired and sick, and usually, he just bounces back the next day after one of his flare ups. An hour later, he called me asking for an extra towel. I came back, and found him in the same state he was the day before. I stayed with him as he threw up more, showered, and called his parents. I began noticing that his pain was rising to a new level. I hadn't seem him this bad before. Eventually, I talked with his dad, and it was decided we had to go to the ER again. His parents and his fiance (my best friend) asked to stay updated.
We showed up to a new hospital this time, hoping for better service and some answers. We went through the same procedures again, but this time, he could barely sit in a chair. He moved and turned in pain and sometimes grabbed my hand, squeezing it in pain as we waited. We decided we shouldn't wait anymore in the lobby. If it was just going to be another 4 hours of waiting, it was pointless. Just as we got up to leave, a nurse director came out and asked for everyone's attention. We stopped in the middle of the room and listened to her out of courtesy. That's when she noticed Nate, bent over double in pain and asked for his name. Minutes later, we were being led into a room, getting care quickly. I was amazed and so grateful. I really didn't want a repeat of the night before.
I had brought my job stuff to work on, but I just couldn't focus in the hospital. Yet, knowing I was running out of time for my job then began to stress me out and the client had messaged me that day, saying she was getting anxious about when I would get things done ( I don't blame her, my own anxiety was running high about it). So many things were piling up and I had no clue how I was going to get everything done. And yet, my friend was still in great pain and watching him made me feel so helpless. I soon realized that I was feeling overwhelmed, whether I was willing to acknowledge it or not.
Here's where I soon realized my feelings: I wanted to be mad at him for being so sick. I realized I wanted to yell and say, "Stop being sick! Stop this! This isn't supposed to happen!" And the second I let those angry thoughts out and acknowledge them, I began to cry. I began to empathize with his pain and feel so sorry for him. Fear then ran through me as I wondered if we would ever be able to get help and figure out what is wrong. And I felt horribly guilty because I felt like I was totally useless. I didn't know anything about medicine, wasn't that good as a caretaker or even as an empathizer. All I could do was carry the papers nurses gave me and walk with him throughout the hospital.
I soon texted people, needing all the prayers possible. I didn't know what to do, but I needed God's strength and some kind of miracle to start happening. I didn't want to be at the hospital, but I couldn't tear myself away.
We went home, not as late as the night before, which was good. But I still stayed up late, working on a job that was due in a day or so. The next day, I felt even worse going into work, I was running on little sleep for the past few days. Nate seemed to be OK in the morning before I left, but then, I got a text in the afternoon saying he was back in the hospital. I wanted to throw my hands up in the air, defeated. I didn't know what was going on or how to deal with it anymore. I soon talked with various people and figured out what happened and his latest condition. After work, I went to the emergency room and saw him. He had more tubes, but he wasn't yelling or bent over in pain. He was stable and for that, I was grateful for. I merely walked in, smiled, and said, "I thought we agreed last night that while I want to hang out with you and have quality time, that the hospital wasn't the place to do it?" He replied, "I understand. I don't want to be here either, but all up in here" he gestured to his stomach "won't cooperate."
Despite my overwhelming feelings throughout the entire process, I did make it a point to laugh and joke around. It keeps things light-hearted and bearable. We joked about some of the weird doctors and nurses, told funny stories, and I probably just acted silly at some points. I don't think I could take being so serious through the entire process; it would just be too depressing. I was also super grateful for my friend Rahel, who was right next to me every step of the way. I couldn't have gotten it through without her. It was with her help that we got to the ER, texted family and friends together, asking for prayer and keeping them updated, and just bearing with me throughout the entire process. After spending 2 intense days together, I saw her in the third and she yelled, "Hannah! Come and cuddle with me and get some sleep! Aren't you exhausted?" I just laughed and jumped onto the bed and said, "You bet I'm exhausted!! Dude, I'm so tired."
We also had other friends help us out too, and for them, I'm grateful as well. Their prayers definitely got things moving and gave us strength. People went and visited Nate and really came together to help take care of him. Things aren't all taken care of yet, and Nate is still in the hospital, but his fiance, Kara, is with him now (she was also mighty worried about him) and he seems to be improving. Keep him and others in your prayers as we go through this. And thank you for everything you've done.
Crohn's Disease is an all too familiar disease, as I have dated someone once with it. It's an auto-immune disorder where the body attacks itself. They have to be super careful of what they eat, take good care of their bodies, and find a medication that works for them. Even then, flare ups are often normal without a warning, and they're left, curled up on the floor, throwing up and in intense pain.
On Sunday, I spent about 6 hours in the ER, with 3 or 4 of those hours, just waiting for some care to come. My anxiety was running because I had a job I needed to finish up and had been originally planning to use that time to get it done. Alas, the job would have to wait and my friend needed me now. I wouldn't dare leave his side at a time like this.
"Tomorrow," I told myself "I can get that job done and things finished up."
I went home exhausted and slept for maybe 3 hours, and got up, and went to work.
I was tired at work, but pulled through. Came home and checked on Nate. He seemed OK. I was only a bit concerned because he still seemed really tired and sick, and usually, he just bounces back the next day after one of his flare ups. An hour later, he called me asking for an extra towel. I came back, and found him in the same state he was the day before. I stayed with him as he threw up more, showered, and called his parents. I began noticing that his pain was rising to a new level. I hadn't seem him this bad before. Eventually, I talked with his dad, and it was decided we had to go to the ER again. His parents and his fiance (my best friend) asked to stay updated.
We showed up to a new hospital this time, hoping for better service and some answers. We went through the same procedures again, but this time, he could barely sit in a chair. He moved and turned in pain and sometimes grabbed my hand, squeezing it in pain as we waited. We decided we shouldn't wait anymore in the lobby. If it was just going to be another 4 hours of waiting, it was pointless. Just as we got up to leave, a nurse director came out and asked for everyone's attention. We stopped in the middle of the room and listened to her out of courtesy. That's when she noticed Nate, bent over double in pain and asked for his name. Minutes later, we were being led into a room, getting care quickly. I was amazed and so grateful. I really didn't want a repeat of the night before.
I had brought my job stuff to work on, but I just couldn't focus in the hospital. Yet, knowing I was running out of time for my job then began to stress me out and the client had messaged me that day, saying she was getting anxious about when I would get things done ( I don't blame her, my own anxiety was running high about it). So many things were piling up and I had no clue how I was going to get everything done. And yet, my friend was still in great pain and watching him made me feel so helpless. I soon realized that I was feeling overwhelmed, whether I was willing to acknowledge it or not.
Here's where I soon realized my feelings: I wanted to be mad at him for being so sick. I realized I wanted to yell and say, "Stop being sick! Stop this! This isn't supposed to happen!" And the second I let those angry thoughts out and acknowledge them, I began to cry. I began to empathize with his pain and feel so sorry for him. Fear then ran through me as I wondered if we would ever be able to get help and figure out what is wrong. And I felt horribly guilty because I felt like I was totally useless. I didn't know anything about medicine, wasn't that good as a caretaker or even as an empathizer. All I could do was carry the papers nurses gave me and walk with him throughout the hospital.
I soon texted people, needing all the prayers possible. I didn't know what to do, but I needed God's strength and some kind of miracle to start happening. I didn't want to be at the hospital, but I couldn't tear myself away.
We went home, not as late as the night before, which was good. But I still stayed up late, working on a job that was due in a day or so. The next day, I felt even worse going into work, I was running on little sleep for the past few days. Nate seemed to be OK in the morning before I left, but then, I got a text in the afternoon saying he was back in the hospital. I wanted to throw my hands up in the air, defeated. I didn't know what was going on or how to deal with it anymore. I soon talked with various people and figured out what happened and his latest condition. After work, I went to the emergency room and saw him. He had more tubes, but he wasn't yelling or bent over in pain. He was stable and for that, I was grateful for. I merely walked in, smiled, and said, "I thought we agreed last night that while I want to hang out with you and have quality time, that the hospital wasn't the place to do it?" He replied, "I understand. I don't want to be here either, but all up in here" he gestured to his stomach "won't cooperate."
Despite my overwhelming feelings throughout the entire process, I did make it a point to laugh and joke around. It keeps things light-hearted and bearable. We joked about some of the weird doctors and nurses, told funny stories, and I probably just acted silly at some points. I don't think I could take being so serious through the entire process; it would just be too depressing. I was also super grateful for my friend Rahel, who was right next to me every step of the way. I couldn't have gotten it through without her. It was with her help that we got to the ER, texted family and friends together, asking for prayer and keeping them updated, and just bearing with me throughout the entire process. After spending 2 intense days together, I saw her in the third and she yelled, "Hannah! Come and cuddle with me and get some sleep! Aren't you exhausted?" I just laughed and jumped onto the bed and said, "You bet I'm exhausted!! Dude, I'm so tired."
We also had other friends help us out too, and for them, I'm grateful as well. Their prayers definitely got things moving and gave us strength. People went and visited Nate and really came together to help take care of him. Things aren't all taken care of yet, and Nate is still in the hospital, but his fiance, Kara, is with him now (she was also mighty worried about him) and he seems to be improving. Keep him and others in your prayers as we go through this. And thank you for everything you've done.
Monday, July 9, 2012
Hampton Creative - 10 year anniversary
A graphic designer friend sent me this video this morning. We all like to share cool creative, designy things we find. It's fun and helps keeps us inspired. :) Enjoy!
Hampton Creative | 10yr Anniversary from Hampton Creative on Vimeo.
Hampton Creative | 10yr Anniversary from Hampton Creative on Vimeo.
Monday, July 2, 2012
Keep Calm & Carry On
Those legendary "Keep Calm and Carry On" posters are pretty popular and constantly are popping up on pinterest, facebook, and the likes. So here's a quick little history on the poster itself. It's actually pretty cool how the posters came about and the story behind them. Enjoy! :)
Thursday, June 28, 2012
Art Grabs Attention
I enjoy reading the Yahoo news. There's always one or two interesting articles to read and it helps me stay updated on all these things that go on the world for the most part. On this particular day, there seemed to be a lot of articles about how art was grabbing people's attention and causing a stir for various articles. Good art tends to get people's attention and cause some chatter. Granted, I do think there are some pieces that go overboard and it becomes more of a pure attention grabber instead of a something that causes people to discuss and talk.
These are the two articles I came across: This one is talking about "Who Deserves to Die" and has been posted over major cities like Chicago and Seattle. It's pissing people off quite a bit, but when you look at the website, you see that the whole cause is actually quite different than you original thought. And props to the designer on the posters and website. I like them (in a very designer/artistic sense). So I'm quite interested to see who the "murder/killer" is in this entire campaign, which will supposedly be revealed tonight!
This article is about military wives raising awareness about PTSD. My heart goes out to these women and their husbands and families as having a loved one in the military is really hard. And then, to have the person come back and suffer with PTSD must just be really hard to deal with. I could probably artistically analyze the photographs and what not, but I'll just let you look at them yourself and you can decide what you think.
Wednesday, June 27, 2012
Silly Sketches
It feels good to take up a pencil though and just sketch. It's fun. Perhaps I should do it more often. I miss good old hand drawing (even if I come up with really weird things. haha).
Tuesday, June 26, 2012
Come Back Home
As many of my friends are away or have moved, I think about them often. Being the one that stays behind can be a bit tougher (I think) than the one who moves away. They are starting new adventures, a new part of their lives, while I have to adjust my current life and fill holes that they once occupied in my day to day life. But as I think about them, I know they'll always have a place in my heart, no matter where they go. So this song is dedicated to them, where ever they go and no matter how much time has past, they can always come back home. :) Love you guys!
Saturday, June 23, 2012
Video Sat: Home is where the Hans Are
So a friend of mine showed me this quick mini youtube series and I really enjoyed it. Shame it was only 4 episodes, but it was still fun. The media group that makes these videos has done a lot of series and I'm currently watching another one of theirs now. I'll share that perhaps when they're done with it. :) So enjoy this one! It's a twist of humor, culture, and awkwardness.
Friday, June 22, 2012
Happy Birthday David
So...... I'm a bad friend and can be rather bad at forgetting people's birthdays. I used to be much better when I was younger, but for some reason, as I've gotten older, many of these important dates slip my mind. It's also sorta of hypocritical because I always seem to make it a point for people to remember my birthday. I even quiz them on it often.
Anyways, it was my friend's, David, birthday a month or two ago (I'm super late!!). So I had some time at work and remembered I had wanted to make this card. It's of his cat Tesla with my apology. I'm trying to get better at digital illustration too. (woo hoo?) And I know David reads my blog often, so I decided to make this for him. Sorry I'm so late!!!!!
Anyways, it was my friend's, David, birthday a month or two ago (I'm super late!!). So I had some time at work and remembered I had wanted to make this card. It's of his cat Tesla with my apology. I'm trying to get better at digital illustration too. (woo hoo?) And I know David reads my blog often, so I decided to make this for him. Sorry I'm so late!!!!!
Wednesday, June 20, 2012
Perfection & Conviction
I'm a perfectionist. I've known this since I was young, but the past year or so, I've begun to see how being a perfectionist can make life very hard to enjoy and make things difficult for myself.
You see, being a perfectionist often comes with being very hard on yourself. For me, even when I screw up the tiniest bit, I'm secretly yelling at myself in my head and making sure I don't repeat the same mistake again. This is one reason why I have a hard time taking criticism from others. Someone will criticize me and all I think is, "Don't you think I already know that? I've been beating myself up for the past hour for that. I don't need YOU to tell me how horrible I am as well." When you're already beating yourself up, the last thing you want is someone to join in on the fight, even if their intentions are good.
I'm a perfectionist in pretty much all walks of life, from grades, to friendships, to God. I put a lot of pressure on myself to make sure everyone is happy and that things are running smoothly. If I somehow mess up, then I have just utterly failed and should be ashamed. I then become a terrible person. Or sometimes, I was just trying to be perfect to hide the terrible person I believe I am.
This.... is a bunch of bull.
I was talking to a dear friend about my struggles and she could relate. She said to me, "I often have to pray 'God, teach me to love myself'. It's hard, but important to learn."
Wow.
I've prayed "God, help me to love this person. God, help me to love this cause. God... help me to care about everything else..." but... myself.
You see, I ask for God's love, grace, forgiveness, and mercy all the time. But I rarely accept it because I won't love or forgive myself. I put my own standards above God and make myself God because I refuse to accept his love and mercy.
In the Bible, it does say "Love our neighbor as yourself". Well, if you don't love yourself, you won't love your neighbor very well either.
What does it mean to love yourself anyways? I think it depends on the person.
For me, it means I have to understand that I won't ever be the perfect employee, the perfection friend, the perfect wife, or have a perfect marriage. I don't and won't have a perfect family. I won't have the perfect answer or the perfect question. I won't have perfect timing. I won't have perfect control. I don't have the perfect body or perfect face. I won't create the perfect art piece. I can't be the perfect Christian.
It also means I have to tell myself how beautiful I am. I have to take care of myself. I have to learn to tell people how I feel and what I want. And I also have to cut myself slack and forgive myself.
It means that I will fail people. I will disappoint others. I will make my loved ones mad. I will bother people. I will come across as clingy and disorganized. Or sometimes too distant and organized. I will say the wrong things and fall on my face.
But that just means I have to forgive myself and learn to accept forgiveness and love from others. Only then, can I truly learn to love others and forgive them as well. I'm not trying to put myself above others, only equal. Learning to respect myself, so I can respect others well and know what it is like to treat another human being well.
So I'm going to work on being perfectly imperfect. :) I will learn to love my imperfect self, just like the way God does. That way, I can hopefully cultivate that love and pour it out to others as well.
Tuesday, June 19, 2012
When did you fall in love?
I've been listening to my iPod on shuffle to shake my music up a bit and trying to see what songs I love but have forgotten amongst the thousands of songs I have. This song came on "When Did You Fall?" by Chris Rice. I really like this song: it's relaxing, cute, and just fun. It also fits a conversation I had the other night with a friend. She and I joked about how things tend to happen so unexpectedly, especially love, and before you know, you're asking yourself, "Um... wait, when did this happen to me?". This song seems to fit that conversation. Well, I hope you enjoy! :)
Sunday, June 17, 2012
Driving Down Life
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| Photo taken from tumblr. |
Anyways, I was running errands on this rainy afternoon and was driving up to an intersection. As I was driving, I realized that I couldn't see the lane lines because the rain water was covering up the already faded white and yellow lines. I wanted to turn left at this intersection, but I couldn't figure out where the turning lane was. So I just judged where the lane might be based on what the car was doing in front of me. I swerved to the left, and he swerved to the right to get in the right lane, and then we stopped at the red light. Simple enough, right?
I then began looking around, wondering if I was in the correct lane. There were no cars in front of me, or directly to the side, so it was hard to tell. But that's when I got a hint of the double yellow line and it was a full lane over. I cringed on the inside. "NO!! I missed the turning lane! Ugh.... What do I do?" And I soon began to evaluate on whether I should back up a bit and get over in the next lane or go straight and make a U-turn, or just be silly and not move. I looked ahead, and I couldn't tell where the lanes were on the other side either.
As I was ransacking my brain for the next driving maneuver, I didn't realize that other cars had reached the intersection and were filing into lanes. Suddenly, there were 4 cars directly behind me all with their turning signals on like myself. I thought, "Ugh... why are they following me? I'm totally in the wrong lane. Sure, I got here first, but I don't know what I'm doing." But then I soon realized that I must not be the only person who couldn't see the lane lines. No one could see them in fact, and we were all driving sort of blindly. I just happened to be the first car, so everyone figured that I must be in the right lane or didn't even think about it.
Turns out, I soon remembered this was a double turning lane. I've driven the road plenty of times, but had forgotten there were two turning lanes instead of one. It still made me laugh though because no one got in the other lane because no one could really see the other lane.
I shared this story with a friend as we talked about personal things and soon realized it was a great metaphor for life. We all try to stay in the correct lane, following along what everyone else is doing. You go to elementary school, go to high school, and then go to college. And then... wait... there's no more road lines to direct you anymore. Suddenly, you're opened up to a highway of lanes, but told you can also take the frontage road, side roads, or the weird dirt road or go by boat or plane. But really, there's just no more lines to guide you.
And then funny thing is, we are always looking at everyone else and trying to see where they are going. We assume that they must be in the correct lane and know what they are doing. We think "I must do what that person is doing because he/she must be right and I must be wrong since I have no idea what I'm doing." But the thing is.....
NO ONE KNOWS WHAT THEY ARE DOING!
I've told people lately that I keep doubting the road I started and how I must come across as this person who just barely gets by. But a friend once said, "We always come across differently to others than we do to ourselves." I knew this, but I really needed the reminder, especially in this situation. Then both this person and others said, "Hannah, from outside looking in, it appears you have it together. You got a job that has to do with your degree, your finances are in order, you have a place to stay. A lot of people probably think you have it together more than most." I just laughed and said,"Oh, if they only knew how often I question and doubt myself." But I think many of us doubt ourselves and are questioning ourselves quite a bit.
So, I'm doing my best to not doubt and question myself so much. There's no "correct path" to really go on. The important part is to just keep going. And to also remember that I probably come across as way more put together and on the right path to everyone else. In fact, many people may even follow me, thinking that I must know what I'm doing. haha.
That's what everyone else in the turning lane did. I made a left turn and everyone followed.
But there's till really no "correct path". I'm on my path, and you are on yours. I just hope we get to hang out along the way and maybe drive together at some point. :)
Thursday, June 7, 2012
Flaws Connected to Gifts and Creativity is Alive
So I was talking to someone about how I personalize things a lot. By personalizing, I mean, that I'll take someone's actions, whether they are directly interacting with me or not, and think that it somehow displays how they feel about me, and it's usually in a negative way. It's quite a horrible habit and I'm trying to stop it.
Anyways, I was telling someone about this, and she just laughed and said, "Wow Hannah. You ARE super creative. You begin to create these long elaborate stories and just go with it." I just laughed back and said, "Yeah, I love stories, and I tend to just do this all the time in my head." And then the conversation continued as we talked about personalization and such.
Then it hit me later: this person was able to take something that can essentially be seen as a HUGE flaw, and saw the good point in it: creativity. She saw that while it wasn't good for me to create all these assumptions in how I must be bothering people and such, she also saw that in it, laid a gift. Granted, I was using the gift to create horrid assumptions and play out fears, but it was still a gift.
So it made me wonder on how many of our "flaws" are intricately connected to our gifts or hint at our gifts in someway. One basic thing is that I'm a disorganized person for the most part. I've learned organization and it's helped me to handle mass amounts of information and other things, but it doesn't come to me naturally. However, I realized that this lack of organization also points to how I never really put things in categories, physically and mentally. I see a car hubcap and I don't think, "It is an automotive part that belongs on a car wheel," I think, "That could be on a car wheel, or a dinner plate, or a clock, or a frisbee, or a sweet decoration on my wall." I see something and don't put it in a category, but automatically begin thinking about all the other categories I could fit it into. This is why organization can give me a literal headache at times. I'm so used to thinking outside the box, that it's a struggle for me to figure out what box to put things into.
This comment also hit home because I do struggle with what it means to be creative and wonder if I'm creative or original or not. Being creative and original can be very hard in today's society. So much information gets passed out there and around, that it's hard to not just want to copy others. And even if we don't originally copy someone, many times, we find out that someone else did the exact same thing we did.
But as I've entered more into the art world, I see that many artists do look at other art for inspiration. We copy each other all the time. But what ends up happening is that an artist looks for art for inspiration or for a technique, takes it, and then adds his or her own twist to it. Or takes parts from other artists and creates a whole new thing. This is still being creative. You're breaking down other original ideas, and creating something new with them. Creativity isn't dead. It is being reborn each and everyday.
So summary:
-Whatever "flaws" you think you may, also point to gifts that you really do have; Start figuring those out and try using those gifts for good too.
-Being creative doesn't mean you have to 100% original; just create something that wasn't there before. Learn skills and techniques, and then BAM, let your creativity soar. Have fun!
Anyways, I was telling someone about this, and she just laughed and said, "Wow Hannah. You ARE super creative. You begin to create these long elaborate stories and just go with it." I just laughed back and said, "Yeah, I love stories, and I tend to just do this all the time in my head." And then the conversation continued as we talked about personalization and such.
Then it hit me later: this person was able to take something that can essentially be seen as a HUGE flaw, and saw the good point in it: creativity. She saw that while it wasn't good for me to create all these assumptions in how I must be bothering people and such, she also saw that in it, laid a gift. Granted, I was using the gift to create horrid assumptions and play out fears, but it was still a gift.
So it made me wonder on how many of our "flaws" are intricately connected to our gifts or hint at our gifts in someway. One basic thing is that I'm a disorganized person for the most part. I've learned organization and it's helped me to handle mass amounts of information and other things, but it doesn't come to me naturally. However, I realized that this lack of organization also points to how I never really put things in categories, physically and mentally. I see a car hubcap and I don't think, "It is an automotive part that belongs on a car wheel," I think, "That could be on a car wheel, or a dinner plate, or a clock, or a frisbee, or a sweet decoration on my wall." I see something and don't put it in a category, but automatically begin thinking about all the other categories I could fit it into. This is why organization can give me a literal headache at times. I'm so used to thinking outside the box, that it's a struggle for me to figure out what box to put things into.
This comment also hit home because I do struggle with what it means to be creative and wonder if I'm creative or original or not. Being creative and original can be very hard in today's society. So much information gets passed out there and around, that it's hard to not just want to copy others. And even if we don't originally copy someone, many times, we find out that someone else did the exact same thing we did.
But as I've entered more into the art world, I see that many artists do look at other art for inspiration. We copy each other all the time. But what ends up happening is that an artist looks for art for inspiration or for a technique, takes it, and then adds his or her own twist to it. Or takes parts from other artists and creates a whole new thing. This is still being creative. You're breaking down other original ideas, and creating something new with them. Creativity isn't dead. It is being reborn each and everyday.
So summary:
-Whatever "flaws" you think you may, also point to gifts that you really do have; Start figuring those out and try using those gifts for good too.
-Being creative doesn't mean you have to 100% original; just create something that wasn't there before. Learn skills and techniques, and then BAM, let your creativity soar. Have fun!
Wednesday, June 6, 2012
Music
Need some new music? A friend showed me this sweet song. Makes me want to watch the new Snow White & the Huntsmen movie too. :) Enjoy!
Monday, June 4, 2012
Creativity & God
In case you didn't know already, I'm a graphic designer and considered a decently creative person. I see something, and I automatically think about 3 other things you could do with it. I collect hubcaps I find on the street and paint them. I drive by dumpsters, wondering what secret treasures I can find. I'll take photographs of all sorts of things, hoping to hit the right lighting and angle. I'm always searching for new, crazy out-of-the-box ideas in hopes of creating something, anything really. I just love creating things.
So sometimes, while I feel like creativity and Christianity don't go hand-in-hand and feel this pressure to live life in a certain way or distinction, I stop and remind myself about who is the most creative one: God. The one who comes up with the most unique and original ways to do things is God. God is constantly surprising me and keeping me on my toes. God always reminds me to not put him in a box. He isn't just in church, he isn't just in prayer, he isn't just in the Word (but these are awesome and real sources to experience God), but he's everywhere, from the beggar I pass on the street to my dog at home, from the view from my window to the view from the top of the mountain: God is everywhere.
It's funny too because anytime I feel like I should try and love someone and bring "God's presence into their life", I'm usually whacked right back with God's presence already there in front of me, brought to me by the very person I thought I should help. I barely feel like I help anyone, because I'm usually met with God's presence and his love flowing through the other person right back. In the end, I'm the one that is being helped.
So of course creativity and God go hand in hand. God's super creative! I just have to remind myself to keep being creative in my walk with God. I don't want to be satisfied with the same routine, but constantly taking our relationship outside the box and letting God 'WOW' me all over again.
Yet, I feel like more often than not, when it comes to my creative-type of personality that relies on an inner artistic intuition and moments of inspiration, that it collides with my faith as a Christian. When I think of "church", I suddenly get this sense to loosen the tie around my neck when I have never worn a tie in my life. I guess what I'm saying is, when I usually think of "church", I think of rules and a set of ideas that I must adhere to..... OR ELSE.
Rules generally don't make me that uncomfortable. But there's a certain type of rules or something, that makes me go queezy. I remember when everyone was into Myers Briggs, and someone said, "Oh Hannah! What's your Myers Briggs?" I had become so irritated with all the nonsense at the time that I replied, "AH! Why are we relying on Myers Briggs? Don't put people in a box. Four letters cannot sum me up as a person." The person just laughed and said, "Oh Hannah. The funny thing is, that's part of your Myers Briggs." I threw my hands up in the air and replied,
"AH!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! NO!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!"
I then step into the Christian world. Church is on Sunday at the same time. Bible Study is at the same time. For certain Bible Studies, people have a certain way of doing things, where you read the passage, and discuss certain things first, and then certain things afterwards. The discussion must go according to the plan. And not to be mean to my fellow brothers and sisters in Christ, but sometimes you get the same typical Sunday school answers. The ones where, "Well, I haven't read my Bible, so I haven't grown a lot spiritually this week." or "I forgot to pray the past few days and I really need to get better at that." These kind of answers drive me insane and make me want to throw dish ware at the walls. Not only are these answers more often shallow and lack depth, but I keep thinking, "Ya know, you can experience God in other things. Daily life is an experience with God." Spice things up people!
You see, for me, God shows up in so many ways, I'm always surprised. He keeps saying, "You don't think I'm here? Oh, but I am!" I've gone to events or places and thought, "Surely, I won't be able to find God's presence here." But sure enough, I see His truth and presence planted right in front of me. I've gone to bars and had deep and honest spiritual talks that have more depth than the ones I would experience at Bible Study. I go to secular events or ceremonies, and someone will say something and my ears will perk at something that was said or done, and I'm like, "Whoa! There's Jesus!"
My daily struggles as a human being, at work and home, with family and friends, show me God's beauty and grace everyday. I look at my brother and sister, and admire their beauty as they continue to grow into adults. I look at myself, and see my own womanly beauty and the changes that have happened to me as I've grown. I talk with nonreligious co-workers, and I'll feel convicted to love others better, hearing God's reminder to love his people. And as I sit and create artwork, I'm reminded of the one and true creator that is the source of all artistic expression. I believe it was Michael Jackson who said this about song writing,
"You hear the words, everything is right there in front of your face. And you say to yourself, 'I'm sorry, I just didn't write this. It's there already.' That's why I hate to take credit for the songs I've written. I feel that somewhere, someplace, it's been done and I'm just a courier bringing it into the world. I really believe that."That's how it is when I create art. An image will show up in my head and I'm using all my skills and know-how to make it come to life. It's not like you really created it, but caught a glimpse of glory that you must use earthly tools to bring to life. It was there, already, and you get the chance to take part in creating it.
So sometimes, while I feel like creativity and Christianity don't go hand-in-hand and feel this pressure to live life in a certain way or distinction, I stop and remind myself about who is the most creative one: God. The one who comes up with the most unique and original ways to do things is God. God is constantly surprising me and keeping me on my toes. God always reminds me to not put him in a box. He isn't just in church, he isn't just in prayer, he isn't just in the Word (but these are awesome and real sources to experience God), but he's everywhere, from the beggar I pass on the street to my dog at home, from the view from my window to the view from the top of the mountain: God is everywhere.
It's funny too because anytime I feel like I should try and love someone and bring "God's presence into their life", I'm usually whacked right back with God's presence already there in front of me, brought to me by the very person I thought I should help. I barely feel like I help anyone, because I'm usually met with God's presence and his love flowing through the other person right back. In the end, I'm the one that is being helped.
So of course creativity and God go hand in hand. God's super creative! I just have to remind myself to keep being creative in my walk with God. I don't want to be satisfied with the same routine, but constantly taking our relationship outside the box and letting God 'WOW' me all over again.
Sunday, June 3, 2012
Let's Go Matt, Let's Go!
So, I came across this article here on Yahoo, and watch the video below. From the very beginning, I just wanted to cry. Then as the video went on, I totally did cry. What happens below is a touching and beautiful example of kindness and overcoming obstacles. You can't help but be touched as you watch these events unfold. So here's to Matt and his amazing feat and encouraging classmates. A beautiful story indeed. :)
Saturday, June 2, 2012
Proposals
It just seems to be that time of the year where everyone is proposing and getting engaged. I came across this video and it's definitely a favorite. It's spread like wild fire across the web, but if you haven't seen this awesome proposal, you're in for a treat. :)
Friday, June 1, 2012
Missing Friends
So I'm having one of those moments where I miss my friends quite a bit. Missing someone is such a strange feeling really. It feels so bitter sweet. You are filled with such love for the person, but at the same time, there's an ache in your heart that just yearns to have them back close to you.
Many of my friends have left for the time being. Some are coming back eventually, others are not. For all of them, I can confidently say that I will probably see them again. It's just an odd time because not only is it summer and many are going on trips or summer jobs/internships, but I've also graduated college and many of my friends are now moving to different cities for jobs, grad school or med school.
With this knowledge of moving and departure, many of these dear friends and I made it a priority to spend time with each other during their last few days, whether that was getting an excellent dinner and talking for a long while, or watching a movie together and staying up late. Yet, sometimes it feels so counter-intuitive once they leave because you're then thinking, "I feel like I miss you even more now."
Hm..... these are just my feelings and musings about missing someone. It's interesting because I was sitting alone in my apartment, reading and doing things, and the emotion hit me. After a while, I finally decided to get up and visit a friend who I knew was home. The second I walked out my door, I saw other friends and neighbors who were just arriving home. We all began talking and laughing together, sharing stories and experiences, and saying how we needed to hang out and spend time with one another. And so, while I missed many dear friends, it felt good to know I still had people nearby who I could be with and feel close to.
As I get older, I continuously see how important it is to feel close to people. I love having people around.Sure, I like my alone time and need it, but I also really love having people around. I love people. And many times, I just like to bring my computer over to someone's house, talk about our days, and go about our usual activities, whether that's playing an online game, reading or blogging. Being physically close to another human being is so valuable and I think something we search for constantly. I'm a quality time person, so I will always value having good, deep conversations and focused time, but I've also grown to love the time when I can just sit next to a person, or hug someone deeply, and feel their warmth.
And I think that if we aim to have close friends, ones where we are comfortable hugging one another, having deep conversations, and just sometimes being around one another, then we'd feel less of a need to always being dating someone or going to other remedies to fix our loneliness. The times where I feel the most fulfilled and less of that need for a boyfriend, are the times where I am surrounded my great friends, both men and women, who spend time with me and help support me.
So I guess the bottom line is, I miss my really awesome friends.. But at the same time, I'm happy many of them are following their dreams, and I even feel encouraged watching them. So while there's an ache in my heart as I miss their presence, I am also hopeful and fulfilled by watching them pursue their dreams and feeling encouraged by them from afar.
Many of my friends have left for the time being. Some are coming back eventually, others are not. For all of them, I can confidently say that I will probably see them again. It's just an odd time because not only is it summer and many are going on trips or summer jobs/internships, but I've also graduated college and many of my friends are now moving to different cities for jobs, grad school or med school.
With this knowledge of moving and departure, many of these dear friends and I made it a priority to spend time with each other during their last few days, whether that was getting an excellent dinner and talking for a long while, or watching a movie together and staying up late. Yet, sometimes it feels so counter-intuitive once they leave because you're then thinking, "I feel like I miss you even more now."
Hm..... these are just my feelings and musings about missing someone. It's interesting because I was sitting alone in my apartment, reading and doing things, and the emotion hit me. After a while, I finally decided to get up and visit a friend who I knew was home. The second I walked out my door, I saw other friends and neighbors who were just arriving home. We all began talking and laughing together, sharing stories and experiences, and saying how we needed to hang out and spend time with one another. And so, while I missed many dear friends, it felt good to know I still had people nearby who I could be with and feel close to.
As I get older, I continuously see how important it is to feel close to people. I love having people around.Sure, I like my alone time and need it, but I also really love having people around. I love people. And many times, I just like to bring my computer over to someone's house, talk about our days, and go about our usual activities, whether that's playing an online game, reading or blogging. Being physically close to another human being is so valuable and I think something we search for constantly. I'm a quality time person, so I will always value having good, deep conversations and focused time, but I've also grown to love the time when I can just sit next to a person, or hug someone deeply, and feel their warmth.
And I think that if we aim to have close friends, ones where we are comfortable hugging one another, having deep conversations, and just sometimes being around one another, then we'd feel less of a need to always being dating someone or going to other remedies to fix our loneliness. The times where I feel the most fulfilled and less of that need for a boyfriend, are the times where I am surrounded my great friends, both men and women, who spend time with me and help support me.
So I guess the bottom line is, I miss my really awesome friends.. But at the same time, I'm happy many of them are following their dreams, and I even feel encouraged watching them. So while there's an ache in my heart as I miss their presence, I am also hopeful and fulfilled by watching them pursue their dreams and feeling encouraged by them from afar.
Engagement
So, I don't have anything written. But this is more for anyone who wants to know what I had been up to the past few weeks: I was helping plan a proposal for one of my best friends. :D We surprised her quite well. Go to her blog here to read her side of the story and see some of the pictures I took and that she took as well. Enjoy!
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