Friday, September 28, 2012

A Lifetime of Lessons

The seasons are changing here in Tucson. A week or two ago, I went out for my morning run before work and the weather was considerably colder. I was so used to bearing the morning heat in a tank top and shorts, but on that particular morning, I thought, "Oh gosh. I could almost wear a jacket. It's chilly."   However, Tucson hasn't fully committed to the cooler season just yet. There are still some days were the afternoons linger in the upper nineties, leaving one hoping that October will soon be here and bringing much cooler weather.

As the seasons have been changing, I can see that I, too, have changed. I suppose we as people, are always changing, but I know for me, it's important to stop and sorta reflect on all that has happened and actually see the differences.

Friends: My friend circle has definitely changed; and not only that, but how much time I spend with friends has changed too. After one graduates college, a huge shift happens, where people move, go to grad school, or start jobs. And at first, I wasn't quite sure what to do with all of this. I was used to having a set group of friends and getting to hang out quite often. You could meet people up for lunch, study together, online chat during classes and homework, go get dinner, and then hang out all evening. Heck, sometimes we wouldn't start hanging out till about 10 PM and we'd go to the wee hours of the morning.

But now, most of my friends and I have jobs, where we work from 8-5. By 10 PM, most of us begin yawning and talk about our bed times. Hanging out has been mostly reserved for the weekend and Friday night, and even then, there are sometimes household chores or other things to attend to that you couldn't get to during the week.

I really struggled with this (and I still do). I felt like all my friends and I were drifting apart and I began feeling quite lonely. But then, I would also be tired from working all day, that going out with people seemed exhausting at times. Being tired and lonely wasn't a fun combo. But slowly, I've begun to get accustomed to this change. I've made it a priority to have set dates with certain people on when I can see them through the week. I've narrowed down my friends to a few individuals who I get to share my time with. My sister has become a huge confidant where we talk about our lives daily, fulfilling my need to express myself and my daily struggles. It's still hard, but I've really been trying to work to see my friends, whether it is easy or not. And in the end, I'm always glad I got to hang out with them because I love them. :)

Design: I'm a graphic designer now and often fill the role of a photographer as well. I do have to say, that I begin to fall in love more and more with design as I go. There are definitely plenty of days where I'm just tired and unmotivated at work and the creativity doesn't always come. However, I've begun to find ways to stay inspired and also give myself grace when things aren't turning out quite right. I'm learning a lot, which is what I really enjoy and I like my work environment a lot too. Most of the time though, I just have to learn to not put so much pressure on myself and then I'm set to go.

God: My relationship with God has changed. Coming out of a campus ministry setting and being thrown into the "real world" has left me wondering, "OK, so what do I do in regards to my faith now?" Leading Bible studies and having spiritual discussions with people daily is what I was familiar with, but now, my focus has been solely on design, my clients, and co-workers. I'd then come home from work and feel exhausted and then I thought, "Ugh... am I supposed to go to some food bank or something and serve there? Or go to some sort of church event? Pour into someone? Man... I'm just so tired though."

Not to mention, I was spiritually burnt-out and bitter on many ends. I didn't trust the Church or other Christian individuals as far as I could throw them. I felt used on many fronts and that many were just on a search to get me on "their side" and "believe what they believe." So I took a step back and decided to not attend church or any Christian group activity. It was useful in the way that I could show myself that no matter where I was at or what I was doing, my relationship with God wouldn't go down the drain. In fact, there's very little about what "I'm doing" and it's all about what God is doing.

Long story short, I read many books and thought about a lot of things, processing as I went. Books like "Chronicles of Narnia" made me long for Jesus and his love, and also, just enjoy the beautiful and adventurous part of God as well. I could open up the Bible at times, and just read small parts, starting out small and really letting the stuff sink in. The biggest help was probably "The Screwtape Letters" by CS Lewis. I began seeing a lot of lies and false thoughts that were described in the book that had been in my own head for years, and seeing how they did make me want to stay away from other Christians and certain teachings. With these few books and the help of a few friends who would sit and listen to me as I discussed my fears, my pains, and grievances, and then give counsel and encouragement back, I began to feel at peace again with God and my own faith. I wanted to go back to church and be in that community of believers, and talking about my faith and learning more and more about God. I knew I had to be careful, because not all my fears and scars were completely healed or gone, but I began to see where I wanted to go.

So now, I have told myself that I don't have to lead Bible study or have these certain qualities to be a "good Christian". I just have to believe in Jesus, and that's it. And it's interesting, because I can see how hard I am on myself in this area and even have a hard time believing it, thinking, "And that's it? You serious?" But it's true. God is way more than enough in all areas of my life. If I have an issue, I have to just ask for help. And if helps doesn't seem at the moment to be right there, keep asking and keep struggling. Because I know God won't fail me. I will fail, but He won't.

And a few good friends keep talking about how I am serving people on a daily basis and for these words, I was so grateful to hear. To go to work, and create things for people day in and day out is a service. I am giving something to people, whether it is time, energy, creative talent, or all of that in one. And I really don't acknowledge my own efforts most of the time, thinking, "This is just what people expect." But even the other day, someone said, "You are quiet lovely with customers. You entertain them, empathize and make them laugh. Just lovely." I had someone else relay a client's comment to me, "You know, my mom was quite impressed that you made your co-worker brownies for his birthday. Seriously. She thought that was so nice."

Someone who I had done a photo shoot with had told me after I had shown her the pictures, "You know Hannah. This is actually a big thing for me. I've really been processing my own beauty and trying to embrace it. These photos are fantastic and are a big turning point for me. I get to see these and see how beautiful I am. Thank you."

I may not be doing outright "ministry", but I'm getting to show people how valuable and beautiful they are day in and day out, and that's all I really want to do.

Dating: Not really much has actually changed here, but I know my overall outlook has. With the lack of connection from my friends and then also, watching many of my peers get engaged, my desire to date has increased. With the added loneliness and the ever wondering question, "So... when is it my turn?" you begin to realize how much you wish you did have someone.

My only remedy for this has been to just make it a point to spend more time with my friends, both male and female. My female friends offer the empathizing and heart-to-heart discussions that I need, and my male friends often make me laugh, remind me to not take life so seriously, and treat me with respect that a man should. They also tend to be very good listeners and have supported me through rough emotional times as well.

I also know to just wait for the right person to come along. I'm in no rush to date or am not pushing the subject. I'm just waiting, knowing that it will all happen when it should and I don't have to force anything. When this guy does come along, I know I want to do my best to love him. Many times, it will be hard and I will have to make a choice each day to love him and I can only hope that I'll be able to do that well. Some friends and I were gathered, and someone turned to a recently engaged male and said, "Holy cow! You're getting married! That's serious." He just laughed and replied "Yeah. It is." The woman goes, "Do you really want to spend the rest of your life with her?" (referring to the fiance who was absent at the time). The guy simply replied, "That's the wrong question. It's not about if I want to. It's about if I'm ready to commit to her, every day, for the rest of my life. If that's the question. Then yes. I'm ready to commit to being with her." At first, I was confused. But then I realized he was referring to how love often is a choice. A choice to put her before him and pursue their relationship. And that answer put me more at ease than if he had simply answered, "Yes, I want to." But I saw that he knew it would take work and was willing to love her, even if he didn't "feel" like it.

However, I have to insert some humorous stories in here, since... my love life tends to be quite entertaining. If anything, I'm just working on avoiding creepy moments when I leave my apartment. Once, I walked into a gas station and noticed a few males glance my away. Feeling uncomfortable, I quickly picked up what I needed and headed to the cashier. One male in particular gave me an obvious look over and all I could think was, "I think he just raped me with his eyes." He then smirked and said, "What's your name?" Trying to find a way out, I just muttered "Uh... I don't know." He then goes, "You got a husband?" I awkwardly laughed and walked out of the gas station, got in my car and drove away as fast as I could.

Anxiety: Last, but not least, my anxiety disorder has seemed to improve. Anxiety always has taken on a different meaning for me than for most. Some will say "I was anxious about a test." For me, I don't really consider myself "anxious" unless I'm beginning to have a panic attack. Then that's when I say, "I was really anxious."

But, the power of those attacks has lessened, or at least, decreased their frequency. One reason is due to the calmness of my life right now. I've settled into a routine, where I go to work and make sure to not push myself too far. I've begun to teach myself how to rest. I've been making sure to work on my current issues, right here and right now, and not run forward, ignoring what is going on inside me, but wrestle with those current issues and face them head on. There are a lot of times where at work, I can see that my anxiety goes up because I somehow think I'm failing or screwing up, despite whether it is logical or not. With a group of people, I'll begin to think about how maybe someone doesn't like me or I'm just so different. With God, I would tend to think that I'm somehow not doing enough or failing in some way. All these are serious enough issues in themselves and I can see that right now, God is letting me focus in on them and wrestling with them. I've learn to talk back to myself, search out truths, and often reality test myself. It's hard work, but I want to continue to fight this.

And I also hope, that in my fight and battle with my own anxiety, I can also help others, in someway or another.

I could go into so much more depth and detail, but that will probably have to wait. This is just a "summary" of everything. Learning so much, but not sure how to quite put it all down. Thanks for reading though! :) And thanks for being there with me through it all.