Tuesday, August 3, 2010

How do you get to "Balance"?

I feel like I'm swaying from one extreme to the next.

First extreme: Become the social justice advocate of a life time. Start going to rallies, protesting, reading up on things, and working to make a change.

Second extreme: Go back to my complacent lifestyle and just stop giving a crap.

Third extreme: Become the bible thumping evangelist that begins yelling at people about Jesus.

I'm not sure where the third extreme came from, or if I'm even dealing with that. But I feel like it's something I do think about. Hm...

So, after my experience in Chicago, I came back wanting to make a difference. I came back wanting to change my lifestyle and the way I did things. I realized the things I wanted differently in our chapter on my campus. There were/still are many things I had now decided to work on and change. Yet.... there seemed to be a lack of motivation from the people around me. They gave me, "Mmmm... that's nice," and went on their way. Others did give me support. Then there were those that said, "This is just the way things are. Just deal with it." That was hard to hear, especially from my own parent.

With all of this, resentment, bitterness, and a spirit of condemnation towards others came over me. I wanted everyone and everything to change. And I wanted to get to it now. Or at least... start getting to it. I began seeing so many problems with the world and the people in it, and even the church, that I was beginning to feel fed up and just plain angry.

These feelings scared me.

I felt like one of those angry nuns that you see whacking kids with rulers and telling them that their sinful nature will get them no where and that they're going straight to Hell. I hated those people and thought, "That's not like Jesus at all." They were the people that would turn me off from religion and God.

So I realized that I needed to begin to humble myself. I needed to just calm down and relax. So for the past few days, I've been sitting around, watching anime with my brother. It's been pretty swell, I won't lie. It's beginning to calm my down and I'm beginning to feel more positive about things.

Yet, this positivity and laziness made me feel like I was becoming who I used to be. I wasn't giving a crap anymore about the issues I had learned about and actually considered ignoring them and just going on with my life.

But then I remember, "My God demands justice. Something needs to be done. I can't ignore these issues. But then........ but...... will following after justice turn me into a monster?" I was scared and didn't know what to do. I saw that my passion for social justice could possibly turn me into a hateful monster and I got scared. That's not what God is about. I should want to change the world, but not grow to hate it or condemn it all the time. Jesus didn't do that and he had every right to.

So, I guess I've been lying here for a while asking, "Where's the balance?" Where's the balance between caring for issues and also just remembering to enjoy life every now and then? Where's the balance between being frustrated with the world, but at the same time loving it, the way Jesus loved it so much, he died for it. I can't be angry at everyone for not doing what I think "their part" should be. I should love them, no matter what and believe that whatever I do, it is for them and because I love them. I should be lamenting for the world and crying out to God to change things and to guide me and show me how. How can I personally work to make a difference? My personal testimony in itself can make a difference.

I guess this can be my prayer to God. It's a prayer we don't say very often, but I think God needs to hear it either way.

Lord, I'm confused. I need your help buddy. Just.... guide me. Love ya. Amen.

So there's that, I'm confused and working to find balance. Wish me luck.