Sunday, September 25, 2011

I think that we think too much


I think that our society thinks too much….

I was at work today, thinking away about all sorts of things: friends, projects, homework, family, myself, time, God, etc. My thoughts just poured out as a continuous stream of non-stop thoughts, emotions, analysis, predictions, and so on. With each new pondering, my emotions would react to it; sometimes it was good, and other times, it was bad. My nerves or anxiety would go up, and with others, excitement would arise or I’d smile at the thought.

And throughout this entire time, I was just at work, sitting in front of a computer, creating posters and fliers and other campaign materials.

But as the hours went on, one thought that came into my head was “A physical labor job sounds nice. One that requires little thought on my part. One where I can just solely focus on one activity and engulf my entire being into it.” I then sighed, “Man oh man. I’m tired of thinking.”

It’s ironic I know. You say “Wait Hannah. You were actually thinking that you were tired of thinking?” Yes. Yes I was.

And I say this because thinking doesn’t seem to get me anywhere. Well, at last not most of the thoughts I’ve had recently. They usually aren’t related to the activity I’m currently doing. In fact, for most of my school day and such, I can zone in and out of class and occupy myself with facebook or other meandering activities. And while I wish I could say that my brain is not stirring, it feels like it’s moving at a very rapid pace with many thoughts racing through it, nothing to do with class or homework.

Most of my thoughts seem to belong in the worrying category. I worry about my appearance or my conduct, or how to deal with a certain person, how I’m feeling about a situation, various plans, my work/art production, theories, how to go about all sorts of activities, etc. I mean, the list goes on and on, some more important than others.

But alas, I finally got to the point where I was like, “Man! Can’t I just stop thinking?!”

Finally my brain agreed to the halt of nonstop thoughts. I walked outside and sat for a bit in the warm weather. As I sat there, I saw a young man walking along the cracks of the tile. He looked like a man walking a tight rope, with arms high up in the air and attention focus on the thin line. I couldn’t help but be amused. He continued on his way for a while and I was sad to lose sight of him. He seemed to remind me of a lifestyle with little thought. He wasn’t worried about how people were looking at him or trying to analyze the stones he was walking on. He didn’t try to figure out a pattern along the lines, but simply enjoyed walking on top of them, making a game out of the whole situation. I laughed to myself and wished I could view life more how so that man was viewing the lines on the ground: a simple game to enjoy and have fun with. Stop thinking so much and just start walking along the thin cracks, enjoying the challenge but yet, having fun with the silliness of it all.

This is something I feel like God tells me often: to just enjoy being myself and please, please smile and laugh in life. There’s a verse in James where it says “rejoice in all trials”, and I remember thinking “Psh, that’s WAY easier said than done. Does God just want us to lie when we’re obviously upset?” But really, I feel like God is saying “Despite the hardships and all the crap life throws at you, please try to look at the positive side and remember that I love you. It’s going to be rough, but you have hope in Me. I will take care of you. I love seeing you smile and laugh.”

So I hope one day I can put my worries and fruitless predications aside. Nothing can be done about those. Instead, I think I’ll keep my eyes open for the cracks in life that I can stop, lift my arms up high, and enjoy the moment, whether it's difficult or easy, it's going well or not, but trust that in the end, I have the one thing that matters: God, my true love who will always be there for me. 

Monday, September 5, 2011

God is good. Oh crap.

"What do people mean when they say, ‘I am not afraid of God because I know He is good’? Have they never even been to a dentist?"
                                   - C.S. Lewis from The Grief Observed


Got whacked in the head with that quote. My fine friend Mr. Lewis brings up a great point. If I truly believe that God is good, how should I expect anything less than hard discipline and suffering? When a dentist cleans my mouth, it usually hurts and there is some blood. When a potter forms his clay, he has to force and push and pull the clay into the right form. And when we dig out and polish a gem, it usually takes much chiseling and strength to make it beautiful. 


If I really believe God loves me and cares about me, then I'm going to see Him deny me many things and challenge me in many ways. It's similar to how my parents tell me "no" to desserts and ground me if I've done something wrong. It's also in the same way my parents give me chores and hard work to show me how to become an able adult and be humbled and appreciative about my surroundings. God will give me sufferings and trials in hopes of trying to form me into a better and more beautiful person than before.


It's because I know God is good that I also know things will not be easy.


Dang it. 

Sunday, September 4, 2011

Everything is out of control....

Everything is out of control.

Then again, it normally is. In fact, in our normal and daily lives, whether we realize it or not, nothing is in our control.

Scary, isn't it?

The weather isn't in our control, the people around us aren't in our control, and heck, even our own hearts aren't in our control. Rain comes and goes, people come and go, and our own feelings arise and leave without our consent. And yet, it seems as a human race, we are constantly fighting this. We build houses to protect us from the weather; we read and write psychology books to try and figure each other out and especially ourselves. Just think about how many things we measure and analyze: most of us have our schedules planned out to the minute; the back of all the food packages have the nutrients, ingredients, and calories calculated out; and we place plants in places where they normally wouldn't grow.

Part of it is because we want to be more efficient and productive. We want to get the most out of life and make things as wonderful and perfect as possible. Why risk perfection when you can guarantee it?

But the thing you have to realize is, no matter how much you plan and prepare, you can't guarantee anything. You can't guarantee that your party will go according to plan, or that your husband/wife will stay with you, or that your house will still be standing there at the end of the day. Life happens, and it happens at you quickly and unexpectedly. You have to expect change and accept it.

I was thinking about all of this as I was reading Ezekiel in the Bible. Have you read Ezekiel? Man oh man, does that prophet go through some crappy and crazy stuff. After reading that, I seriously was like "I never want to be a prophet." It's insane what Ezekiel has to do and go through. In chapters 3 and 4, God pretty much makes him go mute and lay on his side for 390 days. He also has to eat food off of human poop. HUMAN POOP!! Ezekiel then points out to God "Oh, but I haven't eaten anything to defile me." And God replies "Good point. You can eat it off of cow poop instead of human poop." I mean, COME ON!! So I get the symbolism and that Jerusalem has been very bad, but still; poor Ezekiel.

So I continue reading Ezekiel and the recurring phrase is "Then they will know that I am the Lord". I feel like this is not only a continuous theme in Ezekiel, but throughout most of the Old Testament. God usually has to do very unexpected things, sometimes good and sometimes bad, to get people's attention and say "LOOK! I'm GOD. NOT YOU. You have no control. You are a HUMAN." And as I thought about this, I felt it to be a very true, but hard lesson.

One of the first lessons I learned before I ever became a Christian was how very little control and power I had over things. I saw how easily my own life could just slip away, and then began to see how easily the lives of my loved ones could disappear as well. I think this is something my family has begun to learn as the kids are moving out and the dynamics are changing. Anytime I come home now, all 5 of us do our best to be together and spend time with one another. We don't usually do anything fancy or super fun, just watch movies and have dinner together and talk with one another. We're all very loyal to one another and if you mess with one of us, you mess with all of us. So as time as gone on, we've come to really value our time together, soaking up each minute of it and not wasting a second.

It's funny because when I was younger, I think I planned on doing all sorts of traveling and living in different places. But as I've gotten older, I can't help but feel that maybe I'd ultimately like to stay close to family and have opportunities to visit with them often. We shall see what happens though. I really don't have that much control over it.

Another lesson I learned was how very little power I did have. I couldn't control my surroundings, the places or people. I wanted everyone to be happy, but people often get upset or hurt. I wanted circumstances to change, but my words or actions couldn't even make a dent. My own power was so limited and I felt like my life was just a mere whisper in the wind when I wanted it to be a tornado, or at least, some kind of shout.

While my limit of control and power over things seems disgruntling, it's also relieving and freeing. I have very little power, which means there isn't much pressure to understand everything and get everything right. I'm human and not a god. I'm especially not THE God. And thank goodness I am NOT God! I'd have to figure all sorts of things out, like how the sun will keep burning or how the earth will keep rotating or who goes to Heaven or how I'm going to get hair to grow out of people's heads. (Read Job. It will humble you!! Especially Job 34-40). That's a lot of pressure and involves a lot of heart ache too because people will reject me if they don't like what I have in store.

The good news is: I follow the one and only God. And the one thing I can count on in life is His presence. I can count on that He knows everything and has everything in control.

The next big question is though: Do I trust Him? Do I trust that He really loves me and wants the best for me? When I'm going through hard times, will I really believe that this is for the best? Because it is after that, that's when we can rejoice no matter what trials or events we go through, because we believe and know that God will take care of us. Do I really and truly trust and believe in Him?

Do you?