Sunday, July 26, 2009

I Have A Dream

I know the title is cliche, and it still doesn't seem to fit what I want to say exactly, but hey, I figured I might as well roll with it.

I have this huge, pressing urge within myself to unite everyone; to bring people together and have them put aside their differences. Is that so weird? Do others dream of this? When I imagine everyone gathering together under one cause, it sends chills down my spine and makes me so happy. I seriously want something like this to happen.

I think I've had this desire for a while now. I remember when I was in third grade and I was walking with some friends to see an argument go down. I don't remember what was going on exactly (It was like 15 years ago or so) or what was even said. But I do remember one girl talking and I replied, "Well, why can't she just forgive her and move on? Why can't we all just get along?" The girl next to me replied, "Oh give me a break. Like that's going to happen." And my young naive self said, "Well, it happens on TV all the time. So why can't we just do it?" She replied in an annoyed tone, "Because things don't happen like they do on TV. This is real life." I remember feeling ever so sad at that comment. Not because I wanted real life to be like TV, but because the idea of everyone getting along seemed like such a reachable goal, but at the same time, no one was willing to participate. I probably remember this well because it's one of those life lessons you learn as a kid that you don't tend to forget.

Well, I've grown up now and obviously have learned from first hand experience why people don't get along well. We desire, we want, and we're often willing to hurt others to fulfill our wishes. This yearning for harmony got buried long ago; but it has now resurfaced. Perhaps it is due to my reconnection with God once again. I've reconnected with a part of myself that was once long forgotten. I remember watching one of those idiotic judgmental preachers a few months ago. He was standing in front of a group of 30-40 college students, speaking out against gays, masturbators, and liars and telling them all they were going to Hell unless they gave up their wicked ways and turned to God. I hate preachers like that. Well, I suppose I should say, I hate the way they preach, but whatever. And naturally, the group of college students just yelled back at the preacher, finding holes in his speech and bashing him. They made fun of him and mocked him and told him he was wrong. While I was infuriated with the speech, I was even more saddened. I seriously wanted to cry at that moment and it isn't until now that I figured out why. I saw division live and in action. There were two sides. The people behind the preacher, such as his wife and children and friends, and then there were the college students; and both sides were yelling at each other. I wanted to run into the middle and tell everyone to stop fighting and arguing.

But I couldn't.

I knew what my interference would have done. I would just have been the third party in the whole argument, throwing my voice into all the yelling. The preacher was one of those that just wouldn't go down and kept on yelling at the students. Naturally, they yelled back. I didn't know what to do or how to stop it. I wanted to; I honestly did. But.... I've been in such past experiences where you try to make peace, but end up becoming part of the argument. So, I walked away with a saddened heart.

So, this is where my dilemma comes in. I don't know how to unite everyone, or even if it's possible. Everyone is so different and want stuff, so... how? It's quite a big undertaking, wouldn't you say? Well, if not you, I know I'm saying so! How in the world am I supposed to accomplish this dream I have? I want to, I really do. But I don't know how, where, when, or in what pretenses am I supposed to unite people. Is this just me being ridiculous and idealistic? I want to see people gather together, but I just don't know.

Perhaps one day, it will happen, but for now I guess I'll just keep having this dream. This dream where everyone stands together against one force and we all take it on. We put aside our differences and come together as a force that has never been seen before and do what we set out to do. I have this dream, but now.... what to do with it?

Friday, July 24, 2009

I Got Sucked In

I realized how badly I need to get out of this house of my parents.

Today, I went shopping. It wasn't bad. I bought nice clothes and really did enjoy the time I spent at the mall. But at the end of the day, I felt dissatisfied with something. Something didn't feel right. Lately, I've been in that "searching" mode with my soul and never seem to find the right answers.

But today, I realized that I've been getting sucked back into a world that I really don't want to be a part of.

It's not like I hate my family or anything. It's nothing like that. I just realized that when I'm home like this, all I ever do is sit around, shop, and go to movies. This isn't what I want. I don't really care for clothes nor for movies. I mean, don't get me wrong, I do enjoy looking good and a good flick. I was there for Transformers 2 for sure. BUT, that is all I've done lately. I'm begging for something more.

Is it so weird that I just want to pack a bag right now and hit the road? No... I don't know where I would go, but I figure it would be better than living day in and day out just buying stuff and keeping myself preoccupied with mediocre stuff. I watch my sister get dress and look good. I've gotten into that mentality that I should join in and do that too. What else is there to do? I watch movies with my brother and mom. I have this strange urge or want to do this stuff. OK. So it isn't strange, but normally, when I was back on my own, I just didn't care about that stuff. I cared about the people around me or what I was learning in class. I was interested in learning about the outside world and real issues. I want to do something and have my voice be heard. I want to reach out to people and help them, despite my social phobias and such. I just can't sit here anymore!!!

Is this really odd? Does every young adult go through this? I mean, I literally just want to sit on a rock, in a forest, and just watch the lake. I want to get out and explore. See the world and maybe, find some meaning. Get me out!!! I don't want to be sucked in the world where shopping and watching movies is all I ever do. I don't want to work to just make money. I want to work to help somebody else. This may sound stupid and ridiculous, but gosh darnet, I want some meaning and purpose.

God, what do I do? Where do I go?

Wednesday, July 22, 2009

Polygamy

Well, I guess my first subject I will talk about is polygamy.

Perhaps you are wondering why I bring this subject up? Well, today, while I was out running some errands, I had to sit and wait in a lobby. I turned my attention to the small TV which was showing Oprah. Don't begin to judge me, just yet. I don't watch Oprah on a regular basis. Not like I got anything against the woman, but I just don't watch TV. Anyways, the segment was on some ranch area (I think it was called YK57 or something. Meh..) where a community of people who practice polygamy live together. It first showed one man and this THREE wives and how each wife had about 6 to 8 children. I was surprised. Naturally, Oprah asked the women, "How do you feel about one another?" and each one said, "Well, we love each other. We're like sisters." I sat there wondering what planet they were from and the older black woman in the lobby with me seemed to be thinking the same thing as me. She just shook her head.

I continued to watch the show, very intrigued by such a different lifestyle. I admire how each of the women and kids in the community seemed to work together and pitch in to help. Everything was natural and homegrown, which I thought was really neat. They were a self sustaining community, growing and making everything by themselves. And they were still pretty technological as well, showing them on computers and with cell phones too.

However, they all worn similar clothing and even had similar hairstyles. That was kind of bothersome, since the dress looked pretty uncomfortable. Sorry, but I love my jeans, t-shirt, and sneakers way too much. Oprah got together with the women and asked, "OK. So how do you guys deal with jealousy? I mean, it's bound to happen, especially with all the women around." And this is what struck me the most. One girl answered, "Well, you just pray about it and work with that jealousy until it goes away. Praying about it really helps and you have Christ help you." I blinked for a moment, awe struck by the answer. I had heard the same thing from many good friends of mine.

You see, lately, I've been attending a Christian youth group. I've enjoyed it because many of the people seemed to be relatively smart and caring. I've been observing their lifestyle and how they handle situations and have really admired it. They all seem to be genuinely trying to follow God and work to be the best people they can be. Often, they say to pray about stuff and ask God for help. So when that girl said to "Pray about it and it goes away", I was put in my place. Who was I to judge these people when my own friends were saying the same thing as them?

I know what you're thinking. The situations are completely different, right? These women are talking about sharing a husband and learning to get along with one another while my friends mostly talk about jealously between siblings or friends. But, I just couldn't shake the fact that they try to handle their problems the same way regular people (particular Christians) do. They discussed about having a "Christlike" love for one another. I know many of you are thinking "Blah... BS", but many of my Christian friends are wanting to reach that kind of love for people. A love that accepts them for who they are, no matter what, and continues on loving them, no matter the circumstances. I was beginning to see many similarities between them and my new found friends, and even myself.

Let me set the record straight though: I don't plan on sharing my husband. I honestly don't think I could do it. I do believe in one man and one woman relationships. And if my husband ever came to me and said he wanted a second wife, I'd tell him, "Well, that isn't going to happen. And if it does, you can say goodbye to your first wife: ME." So, it's not like this TV segment changed my opinion on the matter. It didn't change the woman in the lobby's opinion either. She often made, "Mmmmm... hm," sounds indicating her opinion. heh.

But, it did change the way I looked at those people. I thought to myself, "Maybe they aren't so crazy and far off like I thought. In fact, I know some friends that would like to be like them in certain aspects." If they've been able to reach a certain level of restraint of themselves and even a level of spirituality and love that I can only dream about, perhaps they're onto something.

And while I began seeing similarities, they showed a clip where supposedly, the government had taken away many of the women's children a few years ago. My eyes widened at that part. Why would they take their children away? Did they think the children were being harmed or brainwashed? That's when Oprah began asking questions on whether people felt like they were in a cult or if any women were being abused in the community. Supposedly, some girls between the ages of 12 and 15 were being married off and were already mothers. All the women she talked to spoke well of the community and assured Oprah everything was OK. Of course, as the audience, now I began to have my doubts.

So everything wasn't great in paradise. I can't overlook that there are probably some instances where a girl was sexually abused or married off way too early. Then again, it's not the outside world doesn't have that. I also can't ignore the fact the the government took some of their children away. When I become a mother, I'd be so mad and devastated. I wouldn't care why the government was doing it. Those are MY kids.

This is just our imperfect world at work. I can see both sides. Of course, it seems more natural to just think that the polygamist community is just crazy and in the wrong; but I began to see that perhaps they weren't so bad. All the people seemed genuinely happy to be in the community and wouldn't be anywhere else. It's just easier to think they are wrong because they are a living a much different lifestyle than I am. So, because they are so different, they must be wrong. Right?

Nope.

I finally began seeing the people on the screen as regular people. People who were leading different lifestyles, but had similar goals to myself. Just because they are different, does NOT mean they are wrong. It doesn't mean they are right either. It's not about right or wrong. It's just about beginning to see past the differences and looking at those people just as people. Sure, I find them a bit odd, but I realized today, I shouldn't be judging them for their lifestyle and assuming they're wrong. I need to learn what I can from them and then just let them be. It's not about being right or wrong, but seeing past the differences and learning to accept people for who they are.

Boy, this is going to be hard.

Here's the Beginning

I've got a voice. Then again, so do you and everyone else.

I'm not here to rant. I'm just here to question. Ponder everyday activities that go unnoticed and even question some of the huge issues: gays and lesbians, God, global warming, leadership, sex, and the list goes on. Ask me a question, and I'll do my best to research it and give you some food for thought. I don't promise answers. In fact, I'm not going to promise you anything. Sounds kind of pathetic of me, but something tells me I need to get my voice out. I want to be heard, but at the same time, learn more and more about the outside world. Here's my attempt at it, and you get to be a witness, and may even help.

So, let's do a toast. A toast to the beginning of this blog, and perhaps, even the beginning of a relationship between you and me, dear reader. Here's to us, to thoughts, to questions, and just to life.