Confessions of a Hannah Morris

So I decided to write something humorous. I mean, we all need some laughs right? At times, we need to stop trying to figure out life, digging deeper into ourselves, and reflecting on what could have been. A good laugh can do miracles. So here's to laughing, or at least, I hope this makes you smile.

This is a confession of a Hannah Morris.

1. I dance while brushing my teeth. There was one time, I enjoyed it so much, that I carried it on as I washed my face too.

2. I love wolves. Like I seriously do. It's a bit of an obsession.

3. I didn't play "house" as a kid. I played "wolf pack". It was awesome.

4. I sometimes sit on a chair upside down to get a new perspective on life.

5. I love ice cream SO MUCH!!

6. Cookies too.

7. I just love food in general. But I have a big sweet tooth.

8. I'm always late, but I'm TOTALLY worth the wait.

9. I had a license plate that said the above statement. I miss it.

10. I have a leopard print rug in my apartment. I wish I had a leopard to go with it.

11. When I told my brother about Black Friday, he asked me if it was only for black people.

12. I talk to myself a lot.

13. To above statement: Yes, you definitely do.

14. I make really weird noises. I'm pretty sure I have a noise for every occasion.

15. I know how to ride a motorcycle.

16. So does my Mom.

17. My father is bald.

18. When I laugh too hard, I pee my pants. And I'm not just talking about when I was 5 years old. I'm talking about how I STILL do this, as a 21 year old.

19. My socks usually DO match.

20. I've gotten through airport security without ID.

21. I once had a pizza delivered to me for free. I didn't even order the pizza.

22. I also got a wrap for free. I raced a big black man and won. But I gave him half of it.

23. Yeah... I still pick my boogers... sometimes. OK OK. All the time.

24. I call a man's penis his pee pee. Why? Because it makes people giggle.

25. I'm totally mature..... maybe.

26. I call Jesus "JC" many times. I also like to call God "The Big Guy".

27. God sometimes calls me "H-Dawg".

28. I sing in the car a lot. I sound so good when I blast the music all the way up too.

29. My dog Hank has humping issues.

30. My other dog, Annie, is old and senile and just sits in front of the window, wining at it.

31. I drink lots of water in restaurants. My father calls me a camel and always asks the waiter to bring a pitcher just for me.

32. I definitely fart.

33. Poop too.

34. I air-sing. Ya know.... sing, with no sound coming out, acting all cool and singer-like.

35. I wish I could run around on all fours. In fact, I sometimes do.

36. I'm tired. So I'm going to end this.

37. Good night.

Be the Best You

Oddly enough, this post was inspired from a conversation with some friends about finding that “one person” for you and whether there was even such a thing as “the one person”. I just sat there and thought as the conversation went on. Many people said they didn’t believe that there was such thing as “the one”, but I didn’t focus on that aspect of it. My thoughts eventually led me to a new way at looking at the question.

I thought about the wording of the phrase “finding the one for me”. It then hit me that the phrase itself sounded somewhat selfish. It was about finding that person for ME. Finding that person who “completes” ME. Finding that person who loves ME and makes ME happy and who is destined for ME. It was all about ME.

What if the words were switched around a bit? What if instead we said “I hope to find the one I am destined for”, or “I was made for someone” or “I hope to find that person I’m meant for.” Doesn’t that change the feel of it?

Some may argue that it still says the same thing, but to me, it sounds different. It’s not about how someone can love me or make me happy, but about how I can make someone else happy and love them. It’s not about me, but about someone else and enriching their life.

I left my friends for the night and went home and began talking with my roommate. She then said, “Well, you weren’t even just made for that one person, but for other people as well. Like Hannah, I was made for you. I was made for my parents. I was made for who ever else is out there that I meet. We were all made for each other.” And as my roommate spoke, I began to get this sense of wanting to be the best person I could be. I wanted to be the best Hannah I could be, and just be me. I wanted to go out and talk with people and offer them myself, the great grand gift that is me, with my quirks, faults and all. It made me glad to be unique and realize that there is only one me and I just need to be the best Hannah I can be. There’s no one else who can be me, and this is my special gift I can offer to people and I should offer it to them.

Here’s a story that my roommate also told me about 6 months ago. Since then, I’ve always remembered the story because I liked it so much. Here ya go:

“A story is told of a king who went to his garden one morning, only to find everything withered and dying. He asked the oak tree that stood near the gate what the trouble was. The oak said it was tired of life and determined to die because it was not tall and beautiful like the pine tree. The pine was troubled because it could not bear grapes like the grapevine. The grapevine was determined to throw its life away because it could not stand erect and produce fruit as large as peaches. The geranium was fretting because it was not tall and fragrant like the lilac.

And so it went throughout the garden. Yet coming to a violet, the king found its face as bright and happy as ever and said, “Well, violet, I’m glad to find one brave little flower in the midst of this discouragement. You don’t seem to be the least disheartened.” The violet responded, ”No, I’m not. I know I’m small, yet I thought if you wanted an oak or a pine or a peach tree or even a lilac, you would have planted one. Since I knew you wanted a violet, I’m determined to be the best little violet I can be.

Others may do a greater work,

But you have your part to do,

And no one in all God’s family

Can do it as well as you.”

-Streams in the Desert by L.B. Cowman

God wanted you on this planet. If He didn’t, He would have created someone else. So go be the best you that He made you to be. :)

Love in All Relationships Pt. 2

OK. So now to talk about most people's favorite subject: love in dating relationships. It's only natural for me to think about as I have been looking at what it looks like to love other people. And for those of you who know me and what's been happening in my life the past few months, you understand why I've been thinking about romantic relationships and marriage so much. And not in the "Oh boy, I want one so badly!" I mean... I do want one, but it's been more so in the sense of "Oh crap. This is some serious, hard stuff. What exactly is this all about?"

So what exactly is this stuff all about?

Dating relationships and marriage are often viewed differently than friendships. I mean, everyone says that the best relationships are based on friendship, but yet, there still seems like a difference. Call it "falling in love" or "destiny" or "just lucky" or whatever, but there are just a ton of stories of finding that ONE person and being with them forever. Yet, how do you even find that one person? Is there a one person? Oh my, oh my.

I know for me, personally, it feels like there is "one person" out there. I haven't dated a lot, but I've dated enough to know that dating someone who is "good" just doesn't cut it. The relationship can be good, the person can be good, but many times, I was left feeling unsatisfied. Someone told me that one of the hardest things was having a good boyfriend. I looked at her funny and she said, "He's good, but he's not great. You want a great boyfriend. Don't settle." And this doesn't necessarily mean his resume looks great. It means that I feel great about him. It means I think the sun shines out of his butt and he's pooping out rainbows and butterflies.

I mean, I know a lot of great guys. But I don't feel great about them. Many of the guys I know are close friends with me and are near and dear to my heart. I can honestly look at most of them and say "Your wife will be lucky to get you. So lucky." Heck, there's even some of my guy friends who I look at and say, "Why can't I be in love with you?" But I'm just not. In fact, I can't think of a single guy I've looked and said, "I'm crazy about you and just think you're awesome." There are many guys I have liked, and some I have liked a whole lot, but none that I was just enthralled with and really excited about. There just seems to lack a feeling or connection.

Part of the that "connection" could be the "falling in love" aspect. It could be the admiration aspect. But I think another part is feeling understood by the person. Being able to look at a man and say, "Oh... you understand me." or "You really care enough to try and understand me. You're searching within me and seeing what it is I'm really saying."

This helped me to realize that the one thing I want out of a romantic relationship is just a deep, connection where the person feels like your best friend. When something big happens, out of anyone you'd call, it'd be them. Or even if something small and silly happens, you'd still call them. They're the person you want to talk to everyday. And they're the person that you can look across the room from and have a whole conversation with just your eyes alone and not even speak a word. They understand you for who you are, your faults and all and they still want to be with you.

And here's a selfish desire I've also realized in myself. I want to be someone's number one. What I mean by that is, I want to be the most important person to somebody. Yes, God should come before me, but out of all the humans, I want to be that person's favorite person/most loved person. I want to be the person that they call up or can't wait to see. Out of anyone to hang out with, they would choose me first. If I walked into a room full of people, they would walk up to me first and talk to me and connect with me first.

I know I'm not the only one thinking about love and relationships, especially at my age where we're all beginning to really search. I had an interesting conversation with some other good pals the other night. We began talking about how love is a choice. It is not easy to continuously love someone. Yet, at the same time, we cannot settle. Initially, it shouldn't feel like you have to work at loving the person. Most of us agreed on that. Then someone brought up an interesting thought on intimacy. Here's how it went:

When people talk about love, it is often conditional. They say they like this about them or love that. His example was, "I can say I love my wife because she's beautiful, strong, and wise." BUT, he then pointed out that if his wife got in an accident and became a paraplegic, she wouldn't be any of those. Therefore, if his love was conditional, he wouldn't love his wife anymore. But we all agreed that's not right. So he went on to say that real love comes from intimacy. Spending time together and fully understanding each other and seeing them the way God sees them, with their faults and all, and still loving them. Being able to have those conversations with little words and understanding comes across easily, and yet, you can have those deep and meaningful conversations too.

I liked what he had to say, and it just confirmed what I had been thinking as well.

I think before, I often used to beat myself up about dating and relationships. I used to do SO OFTEN when I was in the relationship, thinking I was expecting too much. I didn't understand why I couldn't love my boyfriend better or why I was always feeling disappointed or unsatisfied. "He's a good guy", I would think. "And he cares. So what's the issue?" I'd then reply, "Surely. It must be me. Surely I'm expecting too much. Surely I'm just too dependent." But really, I function normally and happily without a boyfriend. None of my friends ever say I expect much of them or depend on them too much. There were also times when I would make excuses for the guy, "Oh well.... he's just busy. Or... he just doesn't understand. He's a guy." That doesn't matter either. He should be my best friend and he should understand me better than anyone else. And I should also have my expectations met. Really, they aren't that high. Just ultimately, I should think the guy is just great and respect and admire him for the man he is. Not the man I can make him to be. Not the man who I THINK he is. But for the man he really is and how he is striving to do his best in everything.

And while I've written many paragraphs about this all, I also know that it will come down to my heart and how I can't fully control who I fall for. I've even tried making myself like someone, but it just turns out much worse, for you and for the other person. We can't always control our hearts and how we feel. I think every man deserves to have a woman respect and admire him. So, I won't settle for myself, but also for the males around me. You all deserve a woman who respects and admires you and who will support you and challenge you. And women, don't settle either. Make sure the man treats you like a treasure and also respects and truly loves you. :)

So for this relationship stuff, one shouldn't have to try and like someone. It should just sorta happen and grow as you get to know each other better. Then, there's the possibility of a beautiful love and intimacy to develop between two people and create a wonderful strong bond that connects them.

It won't always be easy and that wonderful feeling may not always be there, but continue to work at it. Stay intimate with one another and spend time together and talk.

Love in All Relationships Pt. 1

So I've been thinking lately a lot about relationships. And not just romantic relationships, but all sorts of relationships, from family, friendships, to romantic ones. I've been thinking about what love really looks like and what a healthy relationship really is. I've been wondering what the signs of a healthy relationship are and when the relationship starts becoming unhealthy. I've also been wondering what love really looks like and feels like. This is a summary of all that I've been thinking about, but perhaps I shall draw out a map on how I've crossed each subject in the past few weeks.

First, I realized something: Everyone you love will either die or leave you.

That truth isn't something really to look forward to. My friend and I were talking about it as I realized I held this fear within me: that anyone I loved or cared deeply about would eventually leave me, whether willingly or not. I had this great desire to be loved and to be able to depend on people, but if they were just going to leave me, what was the point? I didn't know how to reconcile this fear. Was it best to just be independent and not need anyone? Should I always expect the worse? Do I just keep going, and get hurt every time? I just didn't know what to do.

Admitting the fear and being honest with myself helped, but I still struggled with it.

Then, that's when the friend said, "Well, loving the person also involves wanting God's best for them, even if that sometimes doesn't make you happy." Dang. That is also very true. If I really love the person, I have to want the best for them right? To truly love someone is to want them to have the best and ultimately, be happy. I've seen my parents go through that with me and my siblings as we get older and they have to let us make our own choices and decisions. I think one of the hardest aspect about being a parent is letting your children go and be adults in the end. If you really love your children, you have to let them go and experience life. They'll always be your kids, but you can't keep them safe in your house forever. You let them go and become their own person.

It was here that I realized I often love selfishly. I often look to people and see how they can make me happy. Or how I want them all to myself. I want them to stay with me and dote on me and hear about my problems. And I'm fully aware that I probably don't take care of people the best that I can or love them. I get apathetic and lazy.

Then someone said, "To love is to suffer". And it's true. Loving someone is very hard. It takes time and effort, and needs to happen when you're not always feeling the most "loving" at times.

Yet, realizing this, I think I went to the extreme and I began to suffocate and ignore my own needs. I thought, "I'll just be there for people and really love them. I have a lot to do after all. I'll be OK." But in doing that, I became bitter towards people. I thought, "Geez, you just sit here and talk about yourself. What about me? Do you not see me in how I'm loving you? Do you not see my needs? Do you not see me?" I resented them for not returning love in the way I wanted. That isn't loving them either. I withheld part of myself and my own needs to friends and that isn't offering them a true friendship or relationship. And I was probably also hoping to look like the perfect friend: the one that is selfless and loyal and loving. Instead of the selfish and lazy person I can be at times.

So I began to search for a balance. What did it look like to really love someone? And yet, be honest with who you are and let yourself be loved. Believe it or not, I have a problem with letting people love me. I'm always scared I'll get disappointed by them. I'll see that they do not know who I really am and how vulnerable I can be or scared and how much I desire to be loved. They'll see the facade I put up and just assume that is me, and nothing more. I think this is one of the reasons why I love the song "Iris" by Goo Goo Dolls and the song "White Balloons" by Sick Puppies. Both songs talk about wanting to be seen and accepted for who you are on the inside. Especially the song "Iris". Oh gosh, I get happy just replaying the song in my head. Go and listen to it if you haven't heard it.

With all these thoughts about loving people, naturally I began to think about romantic relationships. But I think I'll save that for a different post. There's a lot to that one as well. This will most likely be a series of posts I think. All about love and people and being in relationship with them.

So I hope this gave you some food for thought. Expect more to come!