First, I realized something: Everyone you love will either die or leave you.
That truth isn't something really to look forward to. My friend and I were talking about it as I realized I held this fear within me: that anyone I loved or cared deeply about would eventually leave me, whether willingly or not. I had this great desire to be loved and to be able to depend on people, but if they were just going to leave me, what was the point? I didn't know how to reconcile this fear. Was it best to just be independent and not need anyone? Should I always expect the worse? Do I just keep going, and get hurt every time? I just didn't know what to do.
Admitting the fear and being honest with myself helped, but I still struggled with it.
Then, that's when the friend said, "Well, loving the person also involves wanting God's best for them, even if that sometimes doesn't make you happy." Dang. That is also very true. If I really love the person, I have to want the best for them right? To truly love someone is to want them to have the best and ultimately, be happy. I've seen my parents go through that with me and my siblings as we get older and they have to let us make our own choices and decisions. I think one of the hardest aspect about being a parent is letting your children go and be adults in the end. If you really love your children, you have to let them go and experience life. They'll always be your kids, but you can't keep them safe in your house forever. You let them go and become their own person.
It was here that I realized I often love selfishly. I often look to people and see how they can make me happy. Or how I want them all to myself. I want them to stay with me and dote on me and hear about my problems. And I'm fully aware that I probably don't take care of people the best that I can or love them. I get apathetic and lazy.
Then someone said, "To love is to suffer". And it's true. Loving someone is very hard. It takes time and effort, and needs to happen when you're not always feeling the most "loving" at times.
Yet, realizing this, I think I went to the extreme and I began to suffocate and ignore my own needs. I thought, "I'll just be there for people and really love them. I have a lot to do after all. I'll be OK." But in doing that, I became bitter towards people. I thought, "Geez, you just sit here and talk about yourself. What about me? Do you not see me in how I'm loving you? Do you not see my needs? Do you not see me?" I resented them for not returning love in the way I wanted. That isn't loving them either. I withheld part of myself and my own needs to friends and that isn't offering them a true friendship or relationship. And I was probably also hoping to look like the perfect friend: the one that is selfless and loyal and loving. Instead of the selfish and lazy person I can be at times.
So I began to search for a balance. What did it look like to really love someone? And yet, be honest with who you are and let yourself be loved. Believe it or not, I have a problem with letting people love me. I'm always scared I'll get disappointed by them. I'll see that they do not know who I really am and how vulnerable I can be or scared and how much I desire to be loved. They'll see the facade I put up and just assume that is me, and nothing more. I think this is one of the reasons why I love the song "Iris" by Goo Goo Dolls and the song "White Balloons" by Sick Puppies. Both songs talk about wanting to be seen and accepted for who you are on the inside. Especially the song "Iris". Oh gosh, I get happy just replaying the song in my head. Go and listen to it if you haven't heard it.
With all these thoughts about loving people, naturally I began to think about romantic relationships. But I think I'll save that for a different post. There's a lot to that one as well. This will most likely be a series of posts I think. All about love and people and being in relationship with them.
So I hope this gave you some food for thought. Expect more to come!
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