Friday, May 27, 2011

Lost in a Desert

Today I went hiking. It was nice to just go walk around and not have to think about much. I hadn't hike the trail before so I felt a bit of adventurous, like I was wandering through unknown territory. At first, it was frustrating because I lost the trail a lot. But soon, after exploring the whole mountain, I began to know my way around the area pretty well.

Yet, there was at one point where the trail just seemed to stop and I couldn't figure out where it picked up again. I wandered and looked around, but couldn't find it. So I stood there for a moment, not sure where to go, and realized my position. I was surrounded by cacti, mountains, rocks, and dead bushes, without a car, human, and building in site. It was an odd feeling. Part of me wanted to be scared and run back to my vehicle at once. The other part wondered if this is how people used to do it: just stand in the middle of nowhere and continue forward, without knowing their position or who they would run into. That part felt pretty cool actually. Those were the people that created the trail. And they never worried about cell phone service or internet connection. They were brave and self-reliant.

Again, the feeling of intimidation and fear did creep up a little bit. The idea of being stranded in the middle of nowhere did not please my common senses. But to my adventurous side, it was exciting. I wondered if I should continue further? Maybe explore a bit more till I find the trail again? Or maybe, just continue on without a trail. Risky, but also exciting.

Perhaps I should view most of my problems in such a manner. Instead of a "Oh no! This is horrible!", I should say, "Another challenge. Here we go!" How often are we left worrying about things that will go wrong? How often do we feel like there is no way out? This reminds me of an argument I got in with my father the other week over my car. I had it checked out, only to find there was a crack in the radiator. I was about to head for a long journey the next day and realized that a cracked radiator would be very bad for this sort of trip. (Well, to be honest, I didn't know anything or any of the consequences. I just felt like I should get it fixed as soon as possible.) Long story short, I figured out a solution. Maybe not the best one, but the one that was the cheapest and only way possible at the time. I then decided to call my father and tell him of the matter. I mean, he is my dad, so maybe I should let him in on my life and pray he'll give me some money. It shouldn't be that big of a deal, right?

Wrong.

My father was happy to hear from me, but once he heard my radiator was cracked and that I still planned on driving the car on the trip, he yelled at me and told me I couldn't do it. He seemed to miss the whole bit of "But don't worry Dad. I plan on fixing it. I can get it fixed." He was just so focused on how I couldn't drive the car and how I wasn't listening to him and being stubborn. And once he heard my plan on how to fix it, he still criticized me, "Where do you think you'll find a radiator this late in the day? And one of your guy friends fix it? Give me a break Hannah!" At that point, I was just about ready to hang up. I was going to continue on with the plan, whether my dad liked it or not. He just seemed so focused on one path and told me how I needed to take it in to get it fixed and I needed to wait. The conversation ended, and I got the car fixed. My father called back later and apologized. He was still a bit annoyed, but it was still an apology. He said I got lucky again and we left it at that. The car worked great and everything turned out alright.

And even if the car ended up not working. Even if on the trip, something went wrong and I couldn't drive the car, it wouldn't be the end of the world right? Sure, it's a car and yes, it would be stupid to just ruin it after I've had it only for such a little time. But I still think I, personally, would be OK. I still wanted to try the solution and was willing to take responsibility. It would be a lesson learned on my part, but it would be on MY part. And I could at least say that I tried to fix the car and tried to do the right thing, but stuff just didn't turn out right. I'd learn my lesson and be done with it.

Maybe it's a parent thing: they want you to stick to the safe and pre-made route. But as the adventurer, you can't help but go, "Is it OK if I deviate from the path a bit? Or in fact, can I create my own trail?" And if we get lost, confused, or just stuck, it's OK. Sure, it'll be hard. We may get pricked my cacti, trip over a rock and cut our knee, or just tired and thirsty, but in the end, as long as you have the perseverance to push through, it'll be OK. Do not give up. As long as you're going in some direction, you're bound to end up somewhere. I'm not saying to be stupid or foolish, but just keep going.

After that moment of being stranded, I went back and found the trail. Mainly because I had been wondering off the trail for 45 minutes earlier and knew I was running out of time. Plus, there had been another path I had seen before and wanted to explore that one. So I did, and it turned out to lead me to straight to the top of the mountain. It was a good moment and I felt proud. I still prefer staying on the trail, but after all my non trail exploring, I was now able to maneuver the trail much easier and could see the trails much clearer. At the end of my adventure, I felt proud and satisfied and wanted to come back again. I could also now say I knew the mountain range pretty well and felt way more confident coming again. I can honestly say I'm ready again for another hiking adventure. :)

Monday, May 9, 2011

A Parking Garage Visit


Parking garages are great.

To me, they’re like small (well I guess they aren’t that small) getaway places. Maybe it’s a short person thing, but I love reaching the top of high places and seeing a fantastic view. Granted, I am kind of scared of heights and do not like to climb. But I do love a fantastic view and seem to be more excited than most about them.

So, right now, I’m on top of a parking garage. It’s one of my old favorite spots that I have often gone to since I started college. Someone took me up here once about a month before I started college and I designated it as my spot ever since. I’ve cried here, watched the sunset here, prayed here, tried setting my architecture project on fire up here, and a lot more. A couple years have gone by and it feels kind of odd as I realize that I’ve had so many memories here. I can also pinpoint the spots where I’ve sat and cried, or my friends and I tried lighting my 1st and only semester architecture project on fire. I imagine the shadows of our presence moving about as I recreate the scene in my head. I can honestly say that I occupied that very spot 2 years ago for a brief moment in time. A moment so brief, that thousands of other people have also occupied that very spot as well. Our shadows just moving through time as we touch different places, different things, and different people, leaving a mark somewhere, on someone, mostly unseen and unknown.

Ha. Sorry. Parking garages can often put me in a deep, thoughtful mood I suppose. Who am I kidding? I’m always thinking and always pondering weird things. Anyways….

As I sit here on top, I look out upon the city with the wind blowing in my face. There are so many lights. There’s nothing quite like a night time view of the city. So many lights, many representing the presence of a human life. That would be kind of cool if that’s how we saw each other, don’t ya think? Just lights floating in a dark abyss. Maybe we are like that, just looking through the wrong eyes.

I kind of am amusing myself by writing my blog on top of the parking garage. I knew I just had to do it when I had the idea. I couldn’t pretend, but I literally had to go up to the top and sit and write, like I’m doing now. So many topics ran through my head, but now, all I can think about is how there are so many people in the world and each of us, just occupying this earth for just a brief instance. I was talking about immortality and the notion of forever with a few people the other day and we discussed how life has meaning and value because it ends. When you see a flower, you don’t know if that will be the last time you see it before it dies. The same with a person. When you see someone, you cherish them because you don’t know if you’ll get another moment like that again. You hang onto it and value it because it makes you happy.

With the semester drawing to a close, I’m excited for summer and the endless amounts of possibilities that await before me. Lately, I’ve been reminding myself to say ‘no’ and not be busy with all sort of nonsense. It’s so easy to do. I fill my schedule up with classes, volunteer stuff, and jobs. I have to fit eating and sleeping in there, which often get neglected. But really, being busy doesn’t necessarily mean you’re going to be happy or have a better life. No. Sometimes, it’s the opposite. And while I feel like I tried that this semester, I feel like it’s something I have to keep reminding myself. I have to say “no”. Already, I caught myself looking at other summer internships and volunteering at a print studio, thinking about how the experience would be good. I finally closed my email and said, “No! I want a nice relaxing summer for once. For crying out loud, I want a nice relaxing week.”

I think that’s what I want to do this summer; keep it relaxed and full of things that I’m going to enjoy doing. Sure, I’m taking one summer course, but that leaves many of my nights open for fun. Many of my friends will be in town with me and I hope to have many dinners with them and make new friends. I want to keep going on adventures. A few days ago, I snuck into the pool area of a resort with 2 friends and we sat around the hot tub, discussing our years and all the lessons we learned. We then moved to sitting around the fire pit and staring up at the starry sky. I loved it so much. A fantastic, perfect evening. The next day, I hung out with a close friend and he and I found a great view of the city and sat and talked. We then went to visit some of his friends. It was me and 3 other people and I have to admit, I enjoyed our conversations greatly. We too, sat around a hot tub with our feet in the water, just talking and discussing life. The next day, I cooked dinner for my Bible Study and had a blast with all the people I had gotten to know throughout the year. I’ve really been blessed with so many people and even the privilege of meeting new people and making new friends. I want to continue to do so this and so much more.

This is the time where I have the most freedom. I am on my own and my schedule and time are all mine. I’m not seriously committed to anyone and my family is in a different city. I have friends to go on adventures with and enough resources to get me where I need to go. There are just so many possibilities to create a fun filled summer and I don't want to miss a beat.

Maybe you think I'm putting too much pressure on my summer. But like life, this summer, will eventually end, and I don't want to waste it. I really need to start applying this philosophy to every part of my life. And the thing is, by "not wasting it", means I also get to stop and do absolutely nothing. Live in the peace of just being and being present in the moment. Not rushing anywhere or feeling obligated to do anything. In that, I hope to find balance between being productive and resting.

Summer is here! Let's do this! :)

Sunday, May 8, 2011

A Ripped Wing

Like my title? Pretty poetic right? I know. I know. I try.

So, I'm currently writing about the World's Columbian Exposition in 1893 in Chicago. Sounds exciting, doesn't it? Not. After reading about it most of the afternoon, I found myself restless and needing to get out of my apartment. So I packed up my laptop and backpack and headed to the library. As I walked over, however, I came across a butterfly on the ground. I love getting to see a butterfly. So naturally, as the curious creature I am, I stopped and looked at it. That's when I saw the ripped wing and I automatically sympathized for the poor creature. I crotched down and looked at it. I then picked it up and put it in my hand. I watch it crawl around my hand and use that little mouth/antenna on my skin. I was fascinated because I never really get to see a butterfly that up close often. I decided that I needed to put it somewhere safe so that maybe... it could live a bit longer. Idealistic and a bit childish, I know. But gosh darnet, I wanted to save that butterfly.

So I put it on a tree.

I watched it crawl around for a bit and thought about moving it. It really didn't like to be moved though. It squirmed between my fingers anytime I did move it. But I didn't know where else I would move it too. I mean, it's not like there are butterfly safety zones all around the university campus. So I decided to leave it there and hope the best for it. The butterfly would just have to fend for itself I suppose.

As I walked away, I couldn't help but think of the butterfly as a broken butterfly. And how, for the past few months, I've felt very broken. With the constant feeling of anxiety in my chest and the random bursts of emotions pouring forth, it's hard to feel normal and put together. When I saw the butterfly, I didn't put myself right along in the same boat. But to me, the broken butterfly seemed another symbol of brokenness: a butterfly with ripped wings. It's a very sad image if you really think about it. Butterflies are meant to flutter and fly around during the spring time, spreading their beautiful wings and gracing the other creatures of the Earth with their presence. Not be ripped and shredded on the cold sidewalk.

There was another sign/instance of brokenness in my life. I had called a friend over to talk about some things. I was feeling really upset and needed someone to just talk to and looking for some comfort. She came over along with her mom. We all talked a bit and eventually her mom left. I was on the verge of tears and ready to spill my guts. However, a few minutes later though, her mother came back and began randomly speaking to her daughter about a sermon she heard a few days ago. It was about the woman who broke the jar at Jesus's feet and washed them with the perfume from the jar. The mother then stated, "He said that the jar was broken so that the perfume could leave the jar and be shared with everyone. He then also said that sometimes, God needs to break things in order to use them, so that he can shine through the broken pieces and put them back together even better than before." I was just standing there, almost in tears, wondering, "Is this woman speaking to me? Or is that egotistical of me to think?" I was standing there, feeling as if I was breaking, and I felt like God was saying, "You're supposed to be like this. It'll be OK. Just wait."

And that's when I began hearing things about waiting for God. It seemed like anything I read or watched had to do with waiting. I'd read people's blogs and they talked about how they needed to wait. Heck, I was even watching the Hachi movie trailer in Japanese and the song they used said, "I will be waiting". Heck! The movie is all about how Hachi waits for his owner. And then, my sister sent me a link on dating and the girl kept saying, "I will wait for you Lord." So, I think I'm supposed to be broken and waiting. But it's hard. I want to do something. It feels like I'm missing something. Like there's something stuck in my chest and I just want to pull it out, but don't know how. But I think I need to wait for God to pull it out.

Man, but whenever this happens or however it happens, I feel like it's going to be quite painful.

So here's to waiting and be broken. Wee...

The Anxiety Problem

Hello again. Here I am. So soon, you say? I know. I'm surprised too. But I feel like I may need to write more. And well, the trigger for this writing is my anxiety. For those of you who don't know, since the end of January, I've had this constant feeling of anxiety, almost every day. You know, your throat tightens and you feel like you have something stuck in it. Your chest feels tight and you almost feel like you have a hard time breathing. Well, when it gets really bad, it affects my breathing. But most of the time, I don't notice the breathing difference. I only realize it when I start burping a lot. Like I've been constantly swallowing air and not even realizing it. So here I am, with a tight chest and throat, and a paper to write. Argh....

I would like to say the anxiety is due to school, but it's not. I've been in the education system for like.... what...? 16 years now? Give or take, not counting pre-school and such. And I've never experienced this before. And I've never experienced this prolonged or daily. There are days where I feel like it's gone. I rejoice slightly at the full relaxation of my body. The oxygen flows through my body easily at those moments and it's almost euphoric. But most of the times, those moments are short lived. A few hours later, the anxiety will come back again, without me even thinking about anything. It's quite troublesome and I'm not sure what to do about it.

I tried seeing a counselor. Only went for 2 sessions. She was OK. I mean, the meetings in itself were nothing to brag about. Afterwards, I would feel some of the effects. Get upset and cry and such. Crying actually feels amazing. OK. Maybe not amazing, cause it hurts. But what it does to my heart and chest, it just feels like I'm relieving all this pressure that I've stored up. My heart will feel free for just that time I am crying. Someone said to me "Tears are the safety valve of the heart when too much pressure is laid on it." It's supposedly by Albert Smith. I like it.

So here I am. With this stupid anxiety that won't seem to leave me alone. *burp* Yep. Still there. And I have a paper to write on 19th century American Art. And with the difficulty of breathing, it's hard to really care about the World Columbian Exposition in Chicago in 1893 when you're just trying to get oxygen to your body. I'm tempted to just go up to my Art History teacher and say, "Look. I got bigger problems." But alas, I'm a stubborn good student and will finish this paper. Probably stay up all night. Perhaps I will blog again later tonight to continue on with the procrastination?

It's interesting how emotions and the brain work. I've recently become very fascinated by it all. Mostly because I'm watching myself and trying to take note of what is going on inside of me. I literally felt myself go numb. It was very interesting. I had just broken up with my boyfriend, a couple weeks ago, and realized that I did not feel that sad about it. That began to worry me, because just the day before, I had been in tears with a sick stomach. That, to me, was normal. Be upset and grieve about someone in your life you just lost. That is normal. But not feeling sad kind of scared me. I even whipped out a picture of him and stared at it. I felt the sad emotion begin to tip toe in, and then all of sudden, BAM! It was shut down in my heart and I didn't feel anything. Whoa.

It felt nice... to not be sad. But it worried me. I wanted to deal with this break up properly and not run away from the problem. Yet, I felt my body and my emotions stating otherwise. I really didn't understand it. Still don't.

Then, with the brain. It's amazing how it can divert its thoughts on its own accord. There were a few other things that have happened to me in the past few months. Not small things on any accord. They were rather very big things in fact that would shake anyone up. I'm beginning to wonder if it is those issues that I haven't confronted yet. I find myself wanting to confront them and think about the issues, but I can't seem to. I mean, I do want to, but something seems to say 'nope' and I can't seem to access any of the thoughts.

I find my brain and heart emotionally protecting myself. This has never happened to me before and I'm worried that it may have worse effects on me later on. I want to face my problems head on, and not run away or shut them away. It just seems so cowardly and not healthy. But I feel like it may have to wait till school is over. That'll be Tuesday and I can maybe try to face things head on a bit.

I kind of also wish that I had someone to really talk to about these issues. Someone to really just listen to me and maybe ask me questions and help me dig further. I mean, I know I have God and we're working on it. Talking all the time. But it's still not working. So that's why I'm left here, to writing. To writing all my thoughts and feelings down and hoping that somehow, this helps me. That somehow, I can ease the pain on my chest just a little bit and breathe normally for more than 5 minutes.

We'll see. I sense another blog post coming on as more thoughts flood into my head.

Friday, May 6, 2011

So this is ME

I'm not making any promises, but I'm going to try and be a bit more consistent with this blog thing. I don't know. We will see. I feel like it may be good for me. Who knows. But I do know that I need to let out emotions and create something with those emotions, whether it involves words or pictures. It's probably one of the most frustrating things as an artist to have the urge to create but not know what to make or continue on creating things that are not satisfying. I hate that. But I hope that what I will create on here will be satisfying to me. Maybe not beautiful, maybe not wonderful, but satisfying to my heart and soul. And it has to be for me. Not for you. Not for him or them, but for me. Sorry. I'm going to be selfish and do this for me. :) For once in my life. ha.

Well, first I have to start off with letting you guys getting to really know me. Shall we start with a few confessions and fears? Yes, I think that will suffice.

I have a fear of letting God down. Disappointing Him. Him getting fed up with me and my human ways that He's going to say, "Really? You STILL don't get it? Psh." And then he'll turn his back on me and the most important being in my life will disappear.

I fear being rejected by people. I fear that they'll get annoyed by me, get mad at me, frustrated with me, disappointed by me, letting them down, them thinking I'm weird and stupid, and just plainly not like me. Some of you may laugh and say "Oh, how silly Hannah. Everyone loves you!" or "Well forget them. Then they aren't worth your time." But I'm just saying, the fear is there and within me.

I fear being rejected by a man. I fear that I will find a man and he will say to me, “You are just way too needy for me. You are just way too much for me to handle. Weaknesses? You shouldn’t have those. Fears? Please. Those are irrational. You want to be treated special? You aren’t special enough for me to work for you. You’re not funny enough. You’re not interesting enough. You’re not beautiful enough. You’re not smart enough. You’re just not enough of these things. And your fears and worries are too much for me to handle.” Yeah....

I fear myself and my inability. I fear that all my goals and dreams that I have that I won't be able to accomplish them and realize that I'm not skilled enough or talented enough or didn't think things through enough.

And these are my fears and confessions. I'm facing them head on and not running away from them. I know I have Jesus and he can take any burden and fear that I have, but I also have to face them. I have to give grace to myself and say that IT IS OK TO NOT BE PERFECT. In fact, it's perfectly fine to be a broken down and scared human being. I don't have to have it all together. I don't have to be happy all the time.

In fact, it's OK to let people know that I'm a big sap and romantic that cries when she watches sad dog movies and at the Pokemon movie. No, I don't cry watching The Notebook or whatever. I cried when Marley died in Marley & Me and held my dog Hank close to me, asking him to never leave me. I love watching anime and reading manga. Yes, that is my comic book nerdy side. The Japanese are cool and I love sushi. I'm fascinated with how nutrition and the body work that I read on Yahoo all sorts of things about working out and how hormones like melatotin help you sleep and how your frontal cortex isn't fully developed to you're 25. I enjoy God and am fascinated with the way life works, from small coincidences to huge miracles. I watch a sunset and think it's beautiful. To me, almost every person has value and is beautiful, except for the ones that tick me off. I love wolves and adore them because they are so cute, but also because they are very independent creatures but also travel in packs. They value family and loyalty, and that is one reason why I wish I could be one. I enjoy hiking and working out, but get bored quickly, so I have to change up my routine. I want to live poorly and on as little money as possible, because it seems fun to me. I mean really, do we need furniture? I want to live with a mattress and an empty living room and see what happens. I'm sporadic and spontaneous and my thoughts are all over the place as you can see from reading this. BUT THAT IS OK!!

I also dream about flying through the sky, making all sorts of friends and making fun music videos. I have an incredible amount of strength and am a fighter and stubborn and do not like to quit. But I also have a soft, underbelly, and fear being rejected and hurt and am sensitive to people. I can often detect the slightest changes in behavior and speech and begin to wonder if something is wrong with that person or between me and that person. (This only recently developed and it's kind of annoying b/c I feel like it makes me worry more than I have to.) I love reading fantasy and fiction novels because it feels like I get to escape from reality for a brief instance. Yet, I also love philosophy and ideas and can often see the argument form both sides. I'm idealistic and want everyone to be happy. Yet, I'm also selfish and want to do things my way and be in control somewhat. I enjoy drawing, but get frustrated if it doesn't turn out right. I love basketball and softball, and love the feeling of being on a team. I love the feeling of making a three pointer or throwing someone out at first or second base. I love photography and the way you can capture so much emotion in one image.

And I absolutely love talking about deep and philosophical ideas. I want to be able to go around and around with someone as we talk about deep things and then just goof around and go to quirky silly things, whether we're talking about baby gibbons or scheming world domination. I love quotes and read a bunch of them all the time. They say so much in so few little of words and pack quite a punch. I actually don't like being a white person, but have learned to come to accept it and be proud. I dislike rich, white people and sometimes find myself judging them, but am trying to work past that. I'm fascinated with other cultures and adore them and they're different ways and practices at life. I love serving God and people, both helping them spiritually and physically and emotionally. You must help the WHOLE person and not just one part. I hate spicy foods, but love ice cream and chocolate. If ice cream was a man, I'd marry it. I love saying weird things like that to catch people off guard. I'm hilarious when I'm tipsy, but have never been drunk and don't really want to be drunk. I'm short and proud and am learning to love my looks and accept how I dress and how I appear to others.

I love laughing and smiling and making others laugh and smile. I love my family. My brother is great, my sister is compassionate and loyal, my mom is amazing, and my father is a loving goofball. I'm talented in many ways and do really good at school. Yet, I procrastinated like it's going out of style, and I'm starting to think I do it to make school more fun and interesting for myself. I get good grades, but don't really care about school that much. It's more of a fun challenge and puzzle to me that I use to test myself and make life somewhat interesting. Other than that, who gives a crap.

I want to get married. I want to marry an amazing man that's a cross between an old school, gentlemen type to a relaxed, fun loving man. I want him and even others to want to know almost every part of me. To know my thoughts and feelings and emotions and to accept them and be happy that they got to know another aspect of me. I want my husband and I to feel like a team; like we can take on the world together. I want to honor God with him even better than when I'm by myself. When people are around us, they feel good and accepted because they feel the love between us and flowing from us to them. I want someone to be open enough to go on adventures with me, but also be the one to pull me back and bring me back to reality when need be. I want to be wanted and be made a priority. I want a partner to take on the crazy adventure of life. And I want to love someone and be there for them and make a joke when they're sad and see them smile. I want to accept the good and bad qualities in them and inspire them to be a better person, like they do with me. I want a man I can go to church with and hold his hand as we listen to the sermon together. I want kids, especially a little boy. I want to teach that little boy on how to become a man that respects women and will be responsible and honorable around others. I want a dog. I'd love a wolf, but a siberian husky is next. If not, just give me a german shepherd or something. I just want a doggie.

I love God. To me, believing in Him is like breathing. I remember talking to him from a very young age, and while I didn't always follow him, I still talked to him. Jesus pops up in my head and we have great conversations. He tells me he loves me and has been and always will be there for me. I only became a Christian about 2 years ago, in my freshmen year of college and it has been a crazy ride since then. I'm starting to think college is that part of your life where you begin to discover yourself and define who you are. And while college is amazing, it's also extremely hard and will be one of the most frustrating times of your life. School will suck at times, friends will disappoint you and hurt you, your family dynamics often change, and the real world begins to knock at your door. But as you go through some of the lowest of lows, you'll experience some of the highest of highs and gain so much knowledge and wisdom, that you can go back home and share things with your parents that even surprise them and make them think. Suddenly, the world becomes fascinating and small and big all in one. Your views on life and on people change and you sometimes don't know how to handle it. But that's OK.

It's OK to be you. It's OK to be me. It's ok to change. And it's OK to not be OK.

This is me. This is me after having a very hard year and still processing through it all. I sometimes don't even really know myself. And it's hard to love yourself or to even accept grace when you don't know who you're loving or accept grace for. And you'll probably never fully know yourself, but that's OK too. Just begin somewhere. Begin somewhere and let God's love and the love for yourself change you. Accept who you are and enjoy it. Accept your mistakes and regrets and see how they're making you a bigger and better person. Regrets are only regrets if you are currently not happy with your situation now. But if you are somewhat decently happy, then don't regret anything. Learn from it and move on.

This is me. If you don't like it, then don't tell me. Ignorance is bliss and I'm choosing bliss right now. If you do like it, then say so. Let's say positive things to one another and start creating good karma. Start loving each other like Jesus did for us.

So yeah. This is me. Happy? I'm starting to become so.

bye. :)