So this is ME

I'm not making any promises, but I'm going to try and be a bit more consistent with this blog thing. I don't know. We will see. I feel like it may be good for me. Who knows. But I do know that I need to let out emotions and create something with those emotions, whether it involves words or pictures. It's probably one of the most frustrating things as an artist to have the urge to create but not know what to make or continue on creating things that are not satisfying. I hate that. But I hope that what I will create on here will be satisfying to me. Maybe not beautiful, maybe not wonderful, but satisfying to my heart and soul. And it has to be for me. Not for you. Not for him or them, but for me. Sorry. I'm going to be selfish and do this for me. :) For once in my life. ha.

Well, first I have to start off with letting you guys getting to really know me. Shall we start with a few confessions and fears? Yes, I think that will suffice.

I have a fear of letting God down. Disappointing Him. Him getting fed up with me and my human ways that He's going to say, "Really? You STILL don't get it? Psh." And then he'll turn his back on me and the most important being in my life will disappear.

I fear being rejected by people. I fear that they'll get annoyed by me, get mad at me, frustrated with me, disappointed by me, letting them down, them thinking I'm weird and stupid, and just plainly not like me. Some of you may laugh and say "Oh, how silly Hannah. Everyone loves you!" or "Well forget them. Then they aren't worth your time." But I'm just saying, the fear is there and within me.

I fear being rejected by a man. I fear that I will find a man and he will say to me, “You are just way too needy for me. You are just way too much for me to handle. Weaknesses? You shouldn’t have those. Fears? Please. Those are irrational. You want to be treated special? You aren’t special enough for me to work for you. You’re not funny enough. You’re not interesting enough. You’re not beautiful enough. You’re not smart enough. You’re just not enough of these things. And your fears and worries are too much for me to handle.” Yeah....

I fear myself and my inability. I fear that all my goals and dreams that I have that I won't be able to accomplish them and realize that I'm not skilled enough or talented enough or didn't think things through enough.

And these are my fears and confessions. I'm facing them head on and not running away from them. I know I have Jesus and he can take any burden and fear that I have, but I also have to face them. I have to give grace to myself and say that IT IS OK TO NOT BE PERFECT. In fact, it's perfectly fine to be a broken down and scared human being. I don't have to have it all together. I don't have to be happy all the time.

In fact, it's OK to let people know that I'm a big sap and romantic that cries when she watches sad dog movies and at the Pokemon movie. No, I don't cry watching The Notebook or whatever. I cried when Marley died in Marley & Me and held my dog Hank close to me, asking him to never leave me. I love watching anime and reading manga. Yes, that is my comic book nerdy side. The Japanese are cool and I love sushi. I'm fascinated with how nutrition and the body work that I read on Yahoo all sorts of things about working out and how hormones like melatotin help you sleep and how your frontal cortex isn't fully developed to you're 25. I enjoy God and am fascinated with the way life works, from small coincidences to huge miracles. I watch a sunset and think it's beautiful. To me, almost every person has value and is beautiful, except for the ones that tick me off. I love wolves and adore them because they are so cute, but also because they are very independent creatures but also travel in packs. They value family and loyalty, and that is one reason why I wish I could be one. I enjoy hiking and working out, but get bored quickly, so I have to change up my routine. I want to live poorly and on as little money as possible, because it seems fun to me. I mean really, do we need furniture? I want to live with a mattress and an empty living room and see what happens. I'm sporadic and spontaneous and my thoughts are all over the place as you can see from reading this. BUT THAT IS OK!!

I also dream about flying through the sky, making all sorts of friends and making fun music videos. I have an incredible amount of strength and am a fighter and stubborn and do not like to quit. But I also have a soft, underbelly, and fear being rejected and hurt and am sensitive to people. I can often detect the slightest changes in behavior and speech and begin to wonder if something is wrong with that person or between me and that person. (This only recently developed and it's kind of annoying b/c I feel like it makes me worry more than I have to.) I love reading fantasy and fiction novels because it feels like I get to escape from reality for a brief instance. Yet, I also love philosophy and ideas and can often see the argument form both sides. I'm idealistic and want everyone to be happy. Yet, I'm also selfish and want to do things my way and be in control somewhat. I enjoy drawing, but get frustrated if it doesn't turn out right. I love basketball and softball, and love the feeling of being on a team. I love the feeling of making a three pointer or throwing someone out at first or second base. I love photography and the way you can capture so much emotion in one image.

And I absolutely love talking about deep and philosophical ideas. I want to be able to go around and around with someone as we talk about deep things and then just goof around and go to quirky silly things, whether we're talking about baby gibbons or scheming world domination. I love quotes and read a bunch of them all the time. They say so much in so few little of words and pack quite a punch. I actually don't like being a white person, but have learned to come to accept it and be proud. I dislike rich, white people and sometimes find myself judging them, but am trying to work past that. I'm fascinated with other cultures and adore them and they're different ways and practices at life. I love serving God and people, both helping them spiritually and physically and emotionally. You must help the WHOLE person and not just one part. I hate spicy foods, but love ice cream and chocolate. If ice cream was a man, I'd marry it. I love saying weird things like that to catch people off guard. I'm hilarious when I'm tipsy, but have never been drunk and don't really want to be drunk. I'm short and proud and am learning to love my looks and accept how I dress and how I appear to others.

I love laughing and smiling and making others laugh and smile. I love my family. My brother is great, my sister is compassionate and loyal, my mom is amazing, and my father is a loving goofball. I'm talented in many ways and do really good at school. Yet, I procrastinated like it's going out of style, and I'm starting to think I do it to make school more fun and interesting for myself. I get good grades, but don't really care about school that much. It's more of a fun challenge and puzzle to me that I use to test myself and make life somewhat interesting. Other than that, who gives a crap.

I want to get married. I want to marry an amazing man that's a cross between an old school, gentlemen type to a relaxed, fun loving man. I want him and even others to want to know almost every part of me. To know my thoughts and feelings and emotions and to accept them and be happy that they got to know another aspect of me. I want my husband and I to feel like a team; like we can take on the world together. I want to honor God with him even better than when I'm by myself. When people are around us, they feel good and accepted because they feel the love between us and flowing from us to them. I want someone to be open enough to go on adventures with me, but also be the one to pull me back and bring me back to reality when need be. I want to be wanted and be made a priority. I want a partner to take on the crazy adventure of life. And I want to love someone and be there for them and make a joke when they're sad and see them smile. I want to accept the good and bad qualities in them and inspire them to be a better person, like they do with me. I want a man I can go to church with and hold his hand as we listen to the sermon together. I want kids, especially a little boy. I want to teach that little boy on how to become a man that respects women and will be responsible and honorable around others. I want a dog. I'd love a wolf, but a siberian husky is next. If not, just give me a german shepherd or something. I just want a doggie.

I love God. To me, believing in Him is like breathing. I remember talking to him from a very young age, and while I didn't always follow him, I still talked to him. Jesus pops up in my head and we have great conversations. He tells me he loves me and has been and always will be there for me. I only became a Christian about 2 years ago, in my freshmen year of college and it has been a crazy ride since then. I'm starting to think college is that part of your life where you begin to discover yourself and define who you are. And while college is amazing, it's also extremely hard and will be one of the most frustrating times of your life. School will suck at times, friends will disappoint you and hurt you, your family dynamics often change, and the real world begins to knock at your door. But as you go through some of the lowest of lows, you'll experience some of the highest of highs and gain so much knowledge and wisdom, that you can go back home and share things with your parents that even surprise them and make them think. Suddenly, the world becomes fascinating and small and big all in one. Your views on life and on people change and you sometimes don't know how to handle it. But that's OK.

It's OK to be you. It's OK to be me. It's ok to change. And it's OK to not be OK.

This is me. This is me after having a very hard year and still processing through it all. I sometimes don't even really know myself. And it's hard to love yourself or to even accept grace when you don't know who you're loving or accept grace for. And you'll probably never fully know yourself, but that's OK too. Just begin somewhere. Begin somewhere and let God's love and the love for yourself change you. Accept who you are and enjoy it. Accept your mistakes and regrets and see how they're making you a bigger and better person. Regrets are only regrets if you are currently not happy with your situation now. But if you are somewhat decently happy, then don't regret anything. Learn from it and move on.

This is me. If you don't like it, then don't tell me. Ignorance is bliss and I'm choosing bliss right now. If you do like it, then say so. Let's say positive things to one another and start creating good karma. Start loving each other like Jesus did for us.

So yeah. This is me. Happy? I'm starting to become so.

bye. :)