Lack of Focus

I realize, that when I write, I don't really have a focus. I just have a bunch of thoughts in my head that I feel like I need to let out and sort through. And when I do have a focus, I'm either writing a story, or I just have this huge emotion that I just need to let out.

I wonder if this reflects my life at all. I never really have a focus on a single thing. I'm just so fascinated with everything and I get distracted very easily. I jump from thing to thing, activity to activity, thought to thought, and then I look back and go, "Where did I even start?"

(Gosh, that rhymed again. And I didn't even try. Maybe I AM poetic. Psh. Yeah right.)

All of it makes me wonder, is this normal? Should I have a focus? Or is it OK to just wander around?

Maybe after all, I do have a focus. They all have just been short term. I don't have an overall focus, I just have short term focuses.

Yeah... I'll just tell myself that.

Even though.... I'm pretty sure it's true.

When Did I Get So Old?

I'm only 20, almost 21, and I'm already asking myself "When did I get so old?"

I really don't know when, but many times, I find myself doing things that as a kid, I could imagine my adult self doing. And now that I'm doing those things, I stop and go, "Whoa... I'm... OLDER." And it sometimes scares me.

It really hit me this evening when I was watching TV with my brother. He fell asleep and I turned to him, telling him to go to bed. He only nodded and I said more firmly, "Go to bed." He sensed the firmness, got up and went on his way. That's when my sister walked in 30 minutes later than the set curfew I had given her. I was putting some dishes away, thinking of all that I could say to her and the scolding I was going to give her and that's when I saw her walking in quite sad. I knew the reason behind the expression and let her cry on my shoulder a bit. I thought to myself, "She needs love now. I'll scold her in the morning or something." And I suddenly felt like an old adult, trying to help a kid get through a phase in life. And it then hit me, I felt like a parent watching over her kids. I'm not going to lie though; the thought and feeling scared me.

This is when I discovered that I'm really not done having adventures yet. The reason why I say this is... that feeling of being a parent, it made me feel domesticated and settled, and I'm not ready for that. After a while, being at home makes me feel restless. I want to pack a bag and bolt out the door, not caring if I have a place to stay or transportation. Reckless I know, but I enjoy the unknown possibilities. Parents are always a kind of killer for those kind of dreams. They say, "Stop and think!" And a lot of times, I don't really want to think. I'm just excited for life and ready to pursue it head first.

And sometimes I have to remind myself, this is normal for my age. And not only is it normal for my age, but it's just normal all around. This life at home, it's not the life I'm choosing for myself, at least, not now anyways. This is not the city I choose to live in. These daily activities I do aren't always by my own choice. So, it's not wonder that when I think about it, I want to create a life full of my choices and decisions. Anytime I get out of the house and travel on my own for a bit, it feels so natural. It feels like I have my life in control again and am ready to create my own life according to my desires. It's a beautiful feeling really.

I suppose I've known most of this about myself already. I know I get restless after being at home a certain time. My parents have become more understanding and my family overall has been more enjoyable to stay with these past few weeks. But now, I can sense the adventure inside of me rising and wanting to run through the door. Good thing I'll be leaving in 10 days to start another adventure. Off to Chicago I will be, to partake in adventure God has given me. (Oh gosh! That just rhymed. Sweet.) Am I stoke? Yes. Do I know what I'm in for? No. Do I like it that way? You betcha!!

So... I'll acknowledge that I'm getting old. Sure I'm not THAT old, but I also know that I'm not ready to settle down. That feeling of being like a parent scared me. I can't imagine myself being an actual parent to my own kid, but it's probably going to happen someday. You know... someday... in the future! Until then, I'm going to enjoy my sense of adventure and the ability to go where I want to go. I may be getting older, but I'm progressing at the right rate. And right now, I'm enjoying the freedom of an adult, but the responsibilities of a child, and the adventurous soul that lies within me. So here I go!!!! Yeah!!

Books Are My Friends

I realized today that when I read books, I feel like I've made a new friend.

Is that weird?

I noticed it today as I was finishing up a series I was reading in the book store. I was too cheap to buy it and I knew there was no guarantee it was going to be good. So I just decided to read it in the store. By the end, I was tempted to take the books home and put them on my shelf, along with many other books of mine. The series itself was OK. No big plot twists, but I loved the characters. I just remember thinking in the end, "I don't want to part like this. I want to take the books home and remember..." and then I was like, "Wait... remember what??"

That's when I realized that when I read the book and really enjoy the characters, I feel as if I'm making a new friend. It's not so crazy really once you think about it. You get to know the character really well (most of the time, their deepest and darkest secrets) and in a sense, you're spending time with them (and my love language is quality time). That sounds just like a friendship, to me at least.

And it also explains why I have a hard time getting rid of books in my collection I have on my shelf. I look at each and think about how well I got to know the characters and sometimes, even what I was going through at the time I read them. I remember cheering them on as they went through some crisis or feeling sad when their lives weren't going so well. I laughed with them and rejoiced when the character/s finally won out in the end. So, when I look at each book, I think of the stories and characters I've read about and have grown to cherish. That's why it's hard for me to part from them. And I always want to collect more, not only because I love having a big collection, but because each one was a friend I made and I want to keep them forever.

I wonder if this makes me sound crazy. Probably does. Oh well.

Tears, Dogs, and Unfinished Business

I saw "Marley & Me" for the first time the other day. I never cry during movies, but this movie made me bawl and hug my dog (who is also a lab) as he licked my tears. I think it was mainly those little kids who got to me. The times they would say, "Marley is the best dog," and "He's not going to die, right?" Oh my gosh, my heart broke for those poor little kids. I was like, "No!!!" I also think it didn't help that I started my period that very day I watched the movie. My emotional hormones were on a high and it left me the complete mess that I was watching the movie. Dang.

Secret Confession: The first time I cried during a movie was in the first Pokemon movie when Ash sacrifices himself to save the Pokemon. Don't judge me! Come on now... when Pikachu cries, everyone cries. It was a beautiful, touching moment.

So I touched on the "tears" and "dogs" part, but now you're probably wondering about the "unfinished business". Well, I only mentioned that because again, I saw that I had not posted in a while and looked through my "drafts". I have about 3 of them, waiting to be posted. They're actually pretty good too. I really should give myself more credit as a writer. I type fast and make a lot of typos, but my thoughts usually flow pretty well. Usually. And if you think I'm a crappy writer, well shut it. Let me be in my own little world and think to myself that I can write decently. Don't kill dreams so easily.

Anyways... I wished I could finish my previous writings and post them. One, I don't think I will post because of the touchy subject. The other few, I think I might... later. Yeah... later. Hopefully later. Hopefully... sometime.

Well, at least I started and finished one post. Props to me. *gives pat on the back* I feel better about myself now. Good night.