So I thought about running away to Mexico...

"Maybe... I could move to Mexico..." I pondered it, trying to imagine what my life would look like if I actually made the change and decided to live in the neighboring country below my current one. I imagined myself finding some random place to live, be a small room somewhere in an inn, or a floor with a family that took me in. I would then find a job, doing some kind of hard labor or being a waitress at some restaurant. My Spanish would improve, and I could see it be a humbling experience as I learned the difficulty of doing hard labor. Yes. I'll just quit my job and move to Mexico. Excitement and hope rose in me as I realized that perhaps this is what I would do next.

Of course, mostly anyone I pitched the idea shot the idea down. I was then onto my next options.

Then maybe Alaska? I have cousins up there. I could work at one of their stores. Yeah, I don't like the cold that much, but I'm sure I'd get used to it. Or if not maybe somewhere cold, but go overseas? Japan? Korea? Perhaps London?  "An adventure is just what I need right now. I need to get out. Experience life!" is what I kept telling myself. 

But then a small voice peeked out and said, "And why is it that you want that so badly? I think you just want to run away." And with that, my day dreams came crashing down as the reality of the situation hit me. A part of my adventurous self did really want to go to all those places and do exciting things. But really, my main motivation came from fear. 

And you're all probably wondering what it is that I'm so scared of that I would actually think that moving to Mexico or another country would be better than facing my fear. Like, seriously? You'd rather face drug cartels, being lost in a foreign place, and not knowing anyone than whatever it is you're facing now?

Yes. Yes I would. The world, I can take on. But.... this one thing is what terrifies me:

People. Relationships. Being real and vulnerable. Being dependent on them. Being let down. Being rejected. 

I'd rather go try and bring down an oppressive government system or a horrible ruling dictator than leave myself open to rejection by my loved ones. Moving away and going on adventures seemed like the perfect solution that would keep me independent, free, and..... safe. 

And yet, I hate the idea of running away... from anything. So now, I've been going through the process of actually trying to face my worst fears: me actually letting people in and giving them the opportunity and power to hurt me. It terrifies me, but at the same time, I don't want to run away. 

So here's to a different kind of adventure: one where I will be fighting internal foes and going through mental war zones. I'll be climbing mountains and wading through foreign places in my heart. It's not the adventure that I have always pictured me going on, but it's probably going to be the most worthwhile adventure of my life time.

Here goes nothing. 

Abandonment

I keep asking myself the question, "What next? What am I supposed to be doing next?"

I look up to God and go, "Where do you want me to go?"

Except, every option I can think of seems too.... outrageous. Too dangerous. Pretty darn crazy. And even... a little idiotic. Surely, I should go the safe and certain way, right?

Right?

But then again, am I following a safe God?

So I pray this prayer of abandonment:

“I abandon myself into your hands;
do with me what you will.
Whatever you may do, I thank you:
I am ready for all, I accept all.

Let only your will be done in me,
And in all your creatures-
I wish no more than this, O Lord.

Into your hands I commend my soul:
I offer it to you with all the love of
my heart,
for I love you, Lord, and so need to give myself, 
to surrender myself into your hands 
without reserve,
and with boundless confidence,
for you are my Father."

Maybe I'm Not Crazy Afterall

The past few months have been full of immense discovery about myself, people, God, relationships,  human nature, and so much more. At times, I feel like perhaps I'm maybe beginning to grasp an understanding on my experiences and the different facets of my fragile heart, but alas, something else appears, and I'm left with having to start from scratch once again and back to the drawing board. But with that, has come with the understanding that this is all normal and perhaps, after all, I'm not crazy and alone.

I think the biggest thing I have learned about myself is how strongly I am effected by my emotions. At first, it was a welcomed change because for the past two years, my emotions were limited and cut off due to the high anxiety I was feeling from overwhelming events. Slowly, but surely, the cracks of the wall have broken and my emotions have broken forth once again. 

Now, being an emotional person, I tend to like this aspect of myself. When my emotions are rising and tumbling over, I can create some of the most beautiful and wondrous pieces of art. Words and images come much easier to me when fueled by feelings of love, anger and sorrow. When it comes to my friendships, I can be a very empathetic person, meeting almost any person where they are at on an emotional level and connect with them. I know how to tap into my own emotions and speak to people genuinely and from the heart. 

So all in all, I have tended to enjoy this aspect about myself. However, I have come into a time of my life of growth and healing, and the roller coaster of my emotions seem to sometimes hinder me. My emotions swing back and forth easily; a pendulum of feelings that despite my best efforts, continues on without ceasing. In all honesty, I have felt like an emotional mess. Like some kind of crazy person that just can't make up her mind and is spinning around and around until she falls over, in a fit of her own tears and hysterical laughter. Understanding seems to always escape me as the emotions are strong and I'm not sure what to quite do with them. I often feel like I just don't understand myself. 

But... there is hope.

In the midst of all of this, I have some beautiful and wonderful friends that have blessed me. At the peaks of some of these emotional struggles, a friend has come along and talked with me, soothing my raging inner turmoil and all the while, voicing their own love for me. And then, some very key words are spoken that seem to ease the emotional turbulence entirely, and I'm at peace once again: 

"You know, I have gone through that too." 

And suddenly, the walls of shame and isolation are broken and I'm left with a sense of sanity and belonging. My heart opens up and I'm ready to hear advise and counseling on how to move forward from whatever it is that is plaguing me. I'm not alone anymore. I'm not crazy. I'm just human. 

So while I'm a mess, with emotions that seem to swing back and forth, I've been very blessed with many friends who can relate to me and have talked to me through my struggles. People who have nodded and listened, and connected to me where I'm at and struggling. They have stepped off the pedestal that I have placed them in, knelt down next to me and said, "Oh, I've been there.  I am no better than you. I know it's hard where you're at. You're doing what you can. How can I help you?" It's been a blessed gift, really. I remember my friend Kara and I often call each other, "sanity buddies". The people you go to when you think you're going crazy, but talk to them, and suddenly you realize, "Oh hey, this is normal. I'm not alone. Ok. Cool."

So thank you to all my friends who have sat with me and listened to me in the past few months as I've struggled and worked through many things. Thank you for meeting me where I'm at and relating to me. Seriously, it's one of the best gifts you could have given to me. :) 

The two most powerful words when we struggle: "Me too". 

- Brene Brown

Need any cool books to read? Check out "Daring Greatly" and/or "I Thought It Was Just Me"by Brene Brown. I've enjoyed them.