So I thought about running away to Mexico...

"Maybe... I could move to Mexico..." I pondered it, trying to imagine what my life would look like if I actually made the change and decided to live in the neighboring country below my current one. I imagined myself finding some random place to live, be a small room somewhere in an inn, or a floor with a family that took me in. I would then find a job, doing some kind of hard labor or being a waitress at some restaurant. My Spanish would improve, and I could see it be a humbling experience as I learned the difficulty of doing hard labor. Yes. I'll just quit my job and move to Mexico. Excitement and hope rose in me as I realized that perhaps this is what I would do next.

Of course, mostly anyone I pitched the idea shot the idea down. I was then onto my next options.

Then maybe Alaska? I have cousins up there. I could work at one of their stores. Yeah, I don't like the cold that much, but I'm sure I'd get used to it. Or if not maybe somewhere cold, but go overseas? Japan? Korea? Perhaps London?  "An adventure is just what I need right now. I need to get out. Experience life!" is what I kept telling myself. 

But then a small voice peeked out and said, "And why is it that you want that so badly? I think you just want to run away." And with that, my day dreams came crashing down as the reality of the situation hit me. A part of my adventurous self did really want to go to all those places and do exciting things. But really, my main motivation came from fear. 

And you're all probably wondering what it is that I'm so scared of that I would actually think that moving to Mexico or another country would be better than facing my fear. Like, seriously? You'd rather face drug cartels, being lost in a foreign place, and not knowing anyone than whatever it is you're facing now?

Yes. Yes I would. The world, I can take on. But.... this one thing is what terrifies me:

People. Relationships. Being real and vulnerable. Being dependent on them. Being let down. Being rejected. 

I'd rather go try and bring down an oppressive government system or a horrible ruling dictator than leave myself open to rejection by my loved ones. Moving away and going on adventures seemed like the perfect solution that would keep me independent, free, and..... safe. 

And yet, I hate the idea of running away... from anything. So now, I've been going through the process of actually trying to face my worst fears: me actually letting people in and giving them the opportunity and power to hurt me. It terrifies me, but at the same time, I don't want to run away. 

So here's to a different kind of adventure: one where I will be fighting internal foes and going through mental war zones. I'll be climbing mountains and wading through foreign places in my heart. It's not the adventure that I have always pictured me going on, but it's probably going to be the most worthwhile adventure of my life time.

Here goes nothing.