Lindsey Stirling

This violin dancing sensation has caused up quite a stir on the internet. I know a lot of people that are a fan of her. About a month ago, one of those people posted this video and I really grew to love the song. They redid Rhianna's song "We found love", but with African drums, a violin, and some Swahili phrases. Take a listen! :D

First Love

So here's a video showed to me by a friend. I really like the video. It's beautifully filmed, wonderfully told, and I love showing it to my friends and family. As you can see, it's won some awards. So sit back and go back to the magic of your first love.

Grateful for Anxiety Disorder

So, this is something that I thought I would never think, let alone say it out aloud:

I'm grateful that I have had an anxiety disorder the past year. 

Sounds crazy, right? I had the thought about a month ago in church. I was sitting and reflecting on things, digging deep into myself and I thought, "Man, I'm grateful that I've experienced such intense anxiety the past year." I say this because experiencing anxiety daily has made me dig deeper into my human heart than ever before. It's made me realize things about myself, people, behaviors, life, and God that can only come out of digging into the very fibers of yourself and asking intense and scary questions.

I wasn't really born with my anxiety. It began about a year ago, January 2011. Since then, I've dealt with anxiety daily, where my chest would tighten, my breathing would quicken, and my thoughts would race. I began understanding how fear was horribly crumbling. It kept me from connecting with people, doing the daily things I loved, and even connecting with God. Many times, I felt dehumanized. I just wanted to shut myself off from the rest of the world and be by myself and not care about anyone or anything. It was fear, making me withdraw and not trusting or loving a single thing.

I began going to therapy. At first, facing the anxiety was kind of hard. It felt like I was taking 2 steps forward, but 3 steps back. I'd make some kind of small realization, or improvement, but then a slew of other things would come my way. But I kept going, kept digging in deeper. A lot of it began with looking inside myself and just having a conversation with myself, doing a self-talk in a way. Then, when it came to my relationships with people, I began trying to open up and be honest. And many times, that meant I just had to say, "Look, I don't understand why, but I'm hurt. Please, just listen to me." Or just letting myself be myself, whether that's confused, sad, angry, or happy.

Ultimately though, my anxiety has made me face some of my deepest fears, serious faults within myself, and shame. But it's through that, that I can also turn to others and do my best to reach out to them in ways I couldn't before. I can love deeper from a place where I was never able to reach before within myself. And I can understand God's place in my life and see His love in other's in ways that I couldn't see before. My anxiety has made me face myself and look intensely into a mirror. It's made me understand how people function, how I function, and pursue genuine and honest relationships. Now granted, I don't understand everything, and don't plan to, but that's OK.

Ha. I guess that's the biggest thing is has taught me: It's OK.

It's OK to be upset. It's OK to be happy. It's OK to have limitations. It's OK to have talents. It's OK to have doubts. It's OK to be passionate. It's OK to be you. It's OK to be me.

It's OK to have an anxiety disorder.

It's OK because we're human beings and are an incredible beautiful mess. And again, that's OK. Because God still loves us either way. :)

What's the point?

Here's a post that I found, but didn't seem to publish. I quite like it though. So here it goes: 

Here am I, thinking about a variety of things, but with a certain question:

What's the point?

And.... Are you forgetting about what really matters?

It started with a talk with my mother. I was telling her how I tend to be a perfectionist, and how that can be quite dangerous for many reasons. She replied back, "I can see that. Even from a young age, you always did seem to only want to do things if you could do them well." I took that comment and thought about it some more. I knew it to be true. It was something I had come to realize a while ago. It's something I've especially thought about when it comes to art. Many times, the end result doesn't please me and I'm so frustrated with myself. I've often thought, "What's the point in doing this if I suck so much?!" I mean, we all want to be good at something. It gives us joy and fulfillment. And I not only want to be good at art, but at many other things as well.

Soon, my thoughts transferred over to God and my faith with him. And I remember thinking, "Well, I want to do this right. I have to make sure I do everything right for God. I should aim for..... per-fec-tion..... wait, what?"

And that's when the thought hit me:

I often focus on being such a "good Christian" that I lose sight of God.

I realiized today that we could apply this message to many parts of our lives.

How many of us focus on being "good students", that we forget what being a student is all about? We are called students to "learn", but somehow, it became about the grades, the results.

How many dads focus on being a "good father", to the point they even forget their families?

How many of us artists focus on being the best artist, that we forget the point of art itself?

How many of us are dying to find that "right person", to the point where we forget why we even wanted to find that one life mate? We forget that we desire to find a partner to take on life together with, not for some fulfillment or for some game. We then begin searching and searching, until we realize, that all of our pursuits were not going in the direction we originally intended to at all.

How many of us focus on being a "good Christian", that we forget Christ himself?

Suddenly, things are a list of "dos" and "donts", but also a "don't have time to", "you're bothering me", or "I have better things to do." You end up forgetting the reason why you began in the first place.

What did you forget?

I'm graduating today!!!

AH!!!!!!!!!!! Today is the day I graduate from college. Am I stoke? Yes. My family will be coming down and I will be celebrating the big day with all the people I love.

In order to honor my graduation day, I'm going to show you a commencement speech by Steve Jobs. I quite liked it and it held many words of wisdom for a youngin' quite like myself. Plus, I love graduation speeches by people who never graduated college. Just shows you never know will what happen in life or you will end up. 

About to Take a Leap

So I'm sitting here, with a phone in hand and staring at a phone number I want to call. I'm about to call about a job offered to me here in Tucson. It's a very exciting time and I'm just happy to have a job offer. It makes it feel like things are moving forward, ya know?

But yet, a stray thought comes into play and says, "Is this what you really want to do?" And well, my answer is "I'm not sure. I don't think so". Then a slew of thoughts come running at me and say, "You're settling then! You're not going out and having an adventure!! Go and do big things!" 

I feel like this is a struggle many of us have: the feeling of that we're missing out on some "big adventure". That if we settle and have a day job, that we're not making some huge big change in the world. We're not making a change and we're not affecting anyone at all and are just wasting our time.

I have to say that's a huge big fat lie. 

The thing is, with each new job or experience, whether it's mediocre or extravagant, will teach us new things and grow us in new ways. They're always stepping stones to our future, even though we won't realize that till we can look back and connect the dots. I often think I'm not doing anything big or haven't done anything huge in the past few years of my life at college. Yet, I then undermine each person's life I have affected and each friendship I've ever had. I am affecting people, whether I realize it or not. 

And also, the thing is, I am a very young person still. I have a slew of time to figure things out and go on many more adventures. Do I want to travel? Yes. So great. I'm getting a job now where I can save money and make more connections and find a way to travel. Do I want to keep on taking more pictures and become a better photographer? Yes. Great! I have the camera and skill sets, so I just have to keep practicing. Do I want to continue to make new friends and love on the people around me? Yes! Yes! YES! Great. I have family, friends, acquaintances, and co-workers that I can affect and love on each day of my life. 

Big adventures don't necessarily happen in one huge moment or in a certain time span. The "big adventure" is life, and each new experience fits into the overall scheme. The story doesn't end till you die, so don't put the book down like you're already done. Keep on going and keep on dreaming. 

I'm going to go make a phone call now. :) 

11 Things to Know at 25(ish)

So.... I'm almost 23. And as most of you know, I will be embarking on the journey of the working adult fairly soon. (Well, more like the unemployed adult, but I'm hoping some of my job interviewers may still call back). Anyways, I found this article (sent to me by a friend) pretty helpful and comforting. Go here. It talks about things you should know at 25ish. Many things I had realized on my own, but it was still comforting to hear someone else say "Yeah... you're right. It's totally ok." Some of that stuff was:

1. Don't rush dating or marriage.
-When you have a bunch of friends starting to date or get married, it's kind of hard not to wonder, "So... when is it my turn?" But at the same time, I've found the peace to know I want to explore some things and not bring someone else into the mix. I want to give the proper time to myself and go on many adventures before I commit to someone. Not that I can't have adventures with someone else, but it is much easier to be on my own and to truly discover who I am.

2. Go to counseling.
-I totally agree with this. Many don't know, but I've started to go to counseling for my anxiety disorder. While I'm not sure if it's totally helping my anxiety, it's really helped me to take a deeper look at myself and my past and how it has shaped me into who I am today. And as I'm at the fork in the road to many different paths, it is helpful to stop and talk to someone about each path I could go on and how that makes me feel and affects me. Counseling isn't bad and doesn't mean you're crazy. It's really about understanding yourself and this crazy thing called life.

3. You have time to find a job you love.
-Ever feel rushed and like you have to figure everything out? I know I often feel like that. Especially when people keep on asking, "SO WHAT ARE YOU DOING WITH YOUR LIFE?" And I'm over here thinking, "I don't know! I'm only 22. Do YOU have everything figured out?" And their answer is often "no", not matter what age they are. So I love the fact that someone is saying, "Stop! And look around. Explore. Try new things out. Start over." I love exploring & trying new things out. And often, you don't have to consciously say "This is what I'm going to do! And it will be perfect." More often than not, it just kind of happens and you fall into it. Suddenly, you're happy to go to work everyday and aren't looking for a new job. You're enjoying yourself!

Try and talk to some people about what they went to college for and then what they did right after. My dad went to college for psychology, but wanted to be a drummer. So now, he's a professional drummer. A photography teacher went to grad school for English and decided he was sick of school, picked up a camera, and wanted to become a photographer. He didn't want to do commercial stuff, so he decided to teach. I have a friend who went to school for history, and she's a math teacher. My uncle went to school for physical education and history and wanted to be a PE teacher. Now he's a financially accountant/advisor and helps me handle some of my own finances.

Point is: YOU NEVER KNOW WHAT WILL HAPPEN!!! And that's OK. :)

4. Feed yourself & the people you love.
-I LOVE FOOD. I mean, who doesn't? I know I'm taking the time to actually teach myself to cook and create things. And I love sitting down at the table with friends and enjoying good conversation. Learn from others too. I'm lucky because I have many friends who love to cook and bake, so I'm soaking all sorts of knowledge from them.

When you get the chance. Read the rest of the article. It's a good one for sure.

STOP ASKING ME THE ONE BIG QUESTION!

So I keep being ask the one big question: What are your plans after graduation?

BAH!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

 This video pretty much portrays how I feel about graduating.

Smallest Light in the Darkest Night

I took a night-time walk the other day, and took these photographs. It reminds me of times of when I think that the darkness may consume me, but there's always a light guiding me to safety.

Copyright by Hannah Morris.