I Considered Not Being a Christian Anymore

Hi Friends,

So today, I'm going personal. I'm going personal to a level beyond normal. I normally like to go deep, but I feel as if I need to share what has been going on inside me. The raw and realness of it. I won't give you metaphors or allude to it. I will tell you straight out.

I've been thinking of going back on my faith. To not being a Christian.

Before you freak out, hear me out.

For most of you, you've known what I've been dealing with the past year and half. 2011 was horrible and 2012 has been full of recovering and intense healing from the events in 2011. I developed an anxiety disorder, where I'd have mild panic attacks daily and more intense ones from time to time; and my emotions were either numb or all over the place. I held it in for the most part, going about my daily business. People close to me did witness my emotions and outbursts. I couldn't hide it from them and I don't think they would let me. Thank you guys.

At the end of 2011, I was seriously believing that I didn't want to be a graphic designer, photographer or anything to do with art. I was tired of it all. I'd go to critique in class and do my best to keep my composure as my chest would tighten, my throat would burn, and my thoughts were going rampant. I was fed up with having to perform and create, day in and day out. I felt great relief when someone said, "Hannah, you don't have to become a graphic designer". It was suddenly like "Whew."

I decided to apply to a ministry gig (internship). I thought that God may want me there and didn't want to pass up the opportunity to at least try for it.

However, I had struggles with that. I was afraid that people were thinking that I wasn't cut out for the job. God got mad at me once and yelled, "WHY DO YOU CARE WHAT THEY THINK!!? DOES IT NOT MATTER THAT I ASKED YOU TO APPLY?? I AM GOD!!" It hurt, but it was good. It cut off an anxiety attack that was just about to rise up. God saw that my thoughts were in a downward spiral and stopped them pretty quick with that firm reprimand.

I didn't get the job though. I don't think I even got an interview.

It hurt. It definitely did. It led me to question many things about myself and my faith. I talked with others and they did their best to encourage me and bring up my spirits. But it still hurt.

In the meantime, I had begun going to therapy. I was finally getting some help for my dreaded anxiety. I was facing issues and getting the resources on how to do it. It was insanely hard though. It often felt like I would take two steps forward and three steps back. At first, I wasn't sure it was even helping, but I could see small improvements that encouraged me to go.

One of the first major signs was with my artwork:

You must understand: creating artwork is very connected to a person's spirit. And whether I would like to admit it or not, I've been drawing and creating art since I was very young. I have specific memories to teaching myself how to draw and color and getting super excited about it. I'd always get stoked when a camera was placed in my hand and fiddle with it. I found free imitations of photoshop and began teaching myself things. I've always been making art. I never really give much thought to it because it just happens. It's natural for me. It feels necessary for me most of the times. It's how I understand the world and myself.

Back to the story though:

In therapy at one point, my therapist pointed out that I could never be a perfectionist when it came to artwork. She said, "Well, just view it as if you make a mistake, then you learned and you can do better next time." I was in the midst of my senior design thesis project at this point, constantly beating myself up for how crappy it was. One night though, as I was working, I remembered her words and had to repeatedly tell myself, "It's OK if it's not perfect. There will be good pieces and bad pieces. But each one, you learn something new. I can make a bad project, but make a better one later. I will learn." It was hard to instill this to myself, but I saw the more I said it, the lower my anxiety went. Soon, I was enjoying the project and creativity was flowing. I had all sorts of ideas and could try out tons of different things.

Suddenly, a door that had been shut for a very long time opened up, and out flowed many wonderful things. I rediscovered my creativity.

I was still unsure of what I wanted to do for a job though. I applied for one graphic design position, not even sure if I wanted the job. After the interview, I was first tempted to have anxiety over it. They wanted so much and I thought that I surely could not meet their requirements. But I then turned the thought around and said, "But... I could also learn a lot. I could try out so many things. I could make all sorts of things." And suddenly, excitement was instilled in me and I was darn sure I would get the job.

Then, someone else got the job.

I had to shrug and take it as I went. I was trusting that God would somehow take care of me and just thought, "Well, must be something else then." My mom even said to me, "Must not be your train honey. Don't try running after a train that isn't yours." We discussed how often life leads us to where we need to go and that I will be OK.

One week later, the girl turned down the offer and they offered me the job. Just days before I graduated college.

I. Was. Stoked.

I could go on and on about it, but long story short, I am now a full time graphic designer and I love it. I'm also working on becoming a photographer too and I just get excited thinking about that! I'm diving more and more into design and photography as I go. At first, I was pretty anxiety driven, scared of failing or that I was somehow doing things wrong. But my creativity began flowing and I kept having to give myself peps talks (or calling other designers and them giving me peps talks. haha.) and I began to feel passionate about my artwork again.

Now you're probably wondering how my faith and being a Christian has anything to do with this, right?

Well, I realized how much my struggle with art seems similar to my struggle with my faith. They aren't completely the same, but they do share similarities.

You see, when it comes to my faith, there's so much judgement I feel. I can see that I have many past hurts in regards to my own spirituality that I never faced up to; and now, I am scarred and easily believing in lies. I compare myself to others constantly and often feel so different from any Christian I meet. They always seem so strong and confident, and I often feel like I'm wavering in the wind. And well, there's a Christian culture that I'm not quite sure that I'll get used to. People use words like "sanctification", "prayer warriors", "put your sins down at the cross" and so much more, that I'm just either very confused or turned off. (Am I the only that feels this way about "Christianese"??? lol)

People constantly turn to ministers, pastors, and religious leadership for advice and it often feels like that if you're not in that position, you can't help someone out spiritually. I don't know the Bible like the back of my hand and prayer doesn't necessarily come easily to me (especially praying out loud). So I often felt.... not important or that I was doing something wrong, despite being in a leadership position myself for many years.

I know we all struggle with this on some level, but my struggle went pretty deep and came out with physical reactions in my body. I'd go to a Christian camp, and just have anxiety from the moment I'd wake up in the morning, to the very moment I'd close my eyes to sleep. Opening the Bible felt painful, with an anxiety attack in full gear, and I did my best to not run out of the room. Even by myself, opening the Bible felt like I was facing a terrifying tiger, ready to claw out my soul and tear at my heart.  Listening to sermons would aways somehow bring out the tightness in my chest, and a burning in my throat. Again, I wanted to run. During worship, I did my best to reach out to God, but always felt held back. Every time though, I told God, "I'm going to keep trying. I'm going to keep pushing and going. I won't give up. I want a relationship with you."

And yes, there were many times where I was like, "God, it's so hard. Please. Please. I don't know if I want to do this anymore." But I kept going.

My other main struggle is this: I don't really want to evangelize. I'm not passionate about it. I can see that I've mainly done it because I felt like I had to and that... "it's what a good Christian does". It's what I HAVE to do in order to be a good Christian.

But I go to work, and I don't even think about telling them about Jesus. I don't think about sharing my faith and more often than not, I don't really think I want to.

Yes. I'm admitting that.

And that has been one of my biggest struggles this past year. It's what I've been basing most of my decision on, "Am I really committing to Jesus? Am I really being a Christian? Or just acting like it?" And as my focus has been switching from ministry to art, I begin to question even more and am like, "I'm not focusing on God 100%. I'm enjoying art and diving more into that. My calling feels like it is design and art, but surely, that's not very Christian of me."

It's crazy, but as I'm typing this, I'm beginning to cry.

I cry because I realize how damaging all these lies are.

It's so sad, because I've begun to realize, that the more I dive into art, the more I fall in love with God. The more I'm astounded with the beauty around me and just want to sit in awe. I find God so creative and wonderful and my soul resonates in a way I've never known before. I smile ear from ear, not stepping back in pure panic like I used to.

I go to work and want to love on my co-workers around me. I want to be silly with them and make them smile. I bring them baked goods, trying to create a more homey and friendly atmosphere. I feel called to love them just as they are and bring out the best in them. Some even have very weird hobbies, but somehow, they come to me, talking about their interests and showing me all sorts of things. I love making people's ideas and dreams come true, taking what they want and making it become a reality because I have the talent and know-how. I love making people look cool and beautiful in photos. I enjoy even taking products shots of things people have made and giving it back to them so that they can look in awe and go, "Wow. I made that." And I can reply, "Yes you did. you did all the work. I only make it look good and give you the resources to share it with the world." I am totally passionate about that.

And the thing is, when I go past all the lies and dig in very very deep, I find God there, quietly waiting in my soul. Jesus sits there and I run to him and it's there that I feel so loved and free. After being present with him, I feel like I then go out and love the world, both physically, spiritually, and emotionally.

Haha. That's the funny thing. I have considered going back on my faith and not calling myself a "Christian", but when I dig into my own very fibers, there's Jesus, a very critical part of me. I can see that it's not that I don't want to be a Christian. It's just that I constantly judge myself and tell myself I'm not on the right path. I tell myself that I am so different from everyone else and surely, I do not belong in the church or any sort of group. I compare myself to others and think "I am not like them. So I must be wrong." I believe in lies fed to me and then want to turn away from God. I think, "God I'm not going the right way. Surely, I am not suited for you." And God sighs and just sits there, until I turn around and realize there's no turning away. He wills always be there, with me, no matter where I go. That's the one thing I do have though: my faith. I don't think my faith in God will ever leave me (so long as God desires), and I will never doubt his presence.

In all this process, I tried reading a book that was more on the spiritual end than the Christian theological end. I barely got 20 pages in and wanted to throw it away. It felt wrong and I just felt disgusted. I didn't want spiritual or philosophical stuff, I wanted the raw love of God. The raw love of God that I experience in Christianity.

So yes, I'm going to say it again. I thought about not calling myself a Christian. I thought about turning away and doing things... differently? But the reality is, I see now that it's been mostly myself judging me and my actions. I put my own judgement above God's. I aim to people please, which is more like worshipping people than God. It's similar with my struggle with art, in that, when I stop judging myself, comparing myself, and believing the lies, suddenly, a flow gate is opened up and out pours love. Outpours a peace and joy that I can only experience from the ultimate source: God.

I share this struggle because I feel like I must not be the only one who feels this way. Who feels judgement from the church, the lack of encouragement in their faith in regards to more secular callings, and the constant comparison game we all like to play. Yes, the church has failed us (and it has failed me), but God hasn't. And I don't want other people, no matter who they are, getting in the way of my relationship with God and who he's calling me to be.

If you want to pray for me, please do. I'm only beginning this journey in regards to my faith and battling the lies. It will take a lot of effort, but I know God can get me through. Thank you.

An Awesome Birthday

So I have to give all my friends props: they are SUPER AWESOME!!! My birthday was the other day, and they all made me feel so special. :)

Here's what happened. I was driving back to Tucson after having dinner with my family in Phoenix. It was my "birthday dinner", since I wouldn't actually be able to see them and celebrate on my actual birthday, which was the next day. I thought about how what I would really love was to just have all my close friends around me on my actual birthday and just wish me a "Happy Birthday".

But alas, many of my close friends are in other cities, states, or countries. I knew I wouldn't be able to get to see them. And while I still had friends in my city to celebrate it, my birthday landed on a Monday, which just seemed like an awkward day to have some sort of party and such. And really, I didn't want a party. I just wanted my friends by my side, eating good food and having good quality conversations.

So with these limitations, but still the desire to see my friends' faces, I texted a few people asking them to make me a video of them wishing me a "Happy Birthday". I missed them and I really just wanted to see them. I didn't text a lot of people, just a few, unsure of who would really do it.

And of course, I also soon had a brief moment of doubt and fear that I was somehow being selfish. I was being selfish to request people to do anything for me and should just be satisfied with whatever I was given. I didn't want to be a burden to anyone or force anyone to do anything.

Thankfully, a good friend reminded me that I wasn't being selfish and that people often want to do things for others, especially on their birthdays. If anything, it was great that I had given some guidelines and been specific about what I wanted, which would leave a lot of guesswork out for people.

So my birthday rolled around, and as I saw each new video, I became incredibly happy. I felt so touched and loved and couldn't believe how great some of the videos I received were. People made me laugh and smile and feel truly touched with their words. I knew I always liked having videos made for me and finally asking for them, and receiving them so wonderfully made my birthday truly awesome.

I went out to dinner later that night and laughed and ate great food with a few good friends. The food was excellent and so was the company. I had asked for my leftovers to be boxed and was excited that I would have a tasty lunch for the next day. Later, when I asked for my box, the waitress came back and apologized, saying that my leftovers had been thrown away by the dishwasher. I shrugged at first, disappointed, but being OK. She then quickly added, "So, we're making you a whole new meal and you can take that with you instead. If that's ok." I just smiled and said, "Of course that's OK!! Thank you!!" My friend Nate quickly added, "It is her birthday after all." The waitress went, "Oh wait! What? It's your birthday?? You should have told me." We just laughed and after a while, she gave me my box.  My friends just looked and and said, "I don't know how you did it, but you still got free food."

So thank you to all my friends who wished me a happy birthday and sent me videos. I truly loved them. I know some of you said you will send a video later and I look forward to seeing it. Seriously guys, you all made my birthday truly wonderful. :) Love you guys!!

"Conversations with God"

So, I've begun to read this book called "Conversations with God: an uncommon dialogue". A friend recommended to me and liked it so much, he shipped me a copy.

Honestly, I wasn't sure what to expect and still am unsure. I've barely finished the first chapter and I'm still processing a lot of it. There are some things that I think I may disagree with, and other things, that I totally love. I've read a few reviews of the book and they've been very helpful as I process the information. But I did want to share the tidbit that made me tear up as I read it. This is supposedly what God said to Neale:

"      ....And the reason is found in the first lie – the lie which you hold as the truth about God – that God cannot be trusted; that God's love cannot be depended upon; that God's acceptance of you is conditional; that the ultimate outcome is thus in doubt. For if you cannot depend on God's love to always be there, on who's love can you depend? If God retreats and withdraws when you do not perform properly, will not mere mortals also?
       ....And so, it is that in the moment you pledge your highest love, you greet your greatest fear.
       For the first thing you worry about after saying "I love you" is whether you'll hear it back. And if you hear it back, then you begin immediately to worry that the love you have just found, you will lose. And so all action becomes a reaction – defense against loss – even as you seek to defend yourself against the loss of God.
       Yet, if you knew Who You Are – that you are the most magnificent, the most remarkable, the most splendid being God has ever created – you would never fear. For who could reject such wondrous magnificence? Not even God could find fault in such a being.
        But you do not know Who You Are, and you think you are a great deal less." 

(pg. 16)

It hurt my heart to read the first paragraph. I know I've had to learn to deal with my own trust issues with God and have believed that his love was conditional. As human beings, it's hard for us to understand an unconditional love. We've learned from our family, friends, and others that if we fail or somehow mess up, they may not love us back. But God doesn't work like that.

God is love and no matter what we do, He will love us. As I was reading some of the blogs I follow, one of the bloggers posted this verse and I thought it fit perfectly:

"And I am convinced that nothing can separate us from God's love. Neither death nor life, neither angels nor demons, neither our fears for today or our worries about tomorrow--not even the powers of hell can separate us from God's love. No power in the sky above or in the earth below--indeed, nothing in all creation will ever be able to separate us from the love of God that is revealed in Christ Jesus our Lord." -Romans 8:37-39

Awesome. :)

Laughter Through Tears

This week has been a rough one, I will admit. My friend, Nate, has Crohn's Disease and he had a really bad flare up. This ended up involving many trips to the emergency room, holding his hand as he yelled and breathed heavily, telling nurse after nurse his information, texting family and friends, sending them updates, and lots and lots of waiting.

Crohn's Disease is an all too familiar disease, as I have dated someone once with it. It's an auto-immune disorder where the body attacks itself. They have to be super careful of what they eat, take good care of their bodies, and find a medication that works for them. Even then, flare ups are often normal without a warning, and they're left, curled up on the floor, throwing up and in intense pain.

On Sunday, I spent about 6 hours in the ER, with 3 or 4 of those hours, just waiting for some care to come. My anxiety was running because I had a job I needed to finish up and had been originally planning to use that time to get it done. Alas, the job would have to wait and my friend needed me now.  I wouldn't dare leave his side at a time like this.

"Tomorrow," I told myself "I can get that job done and things finished up."

I went home exhausted and slept for maybe 3 hours, and got up, and went to work.

I was tired at work, but pulled through. Came home and checked on Nate. He seemed OK. I was only a bit concerned because he still seemed really tired and sick, and usually, he just bounces back the next day after one of his flare ups. An hour later, he called me asking for an extra towel. I came back, and found him in the same state he was the day before. I stayed with him as he threw up more, showered, and called his parents. I began noticing that his pain was rising to a new level. I hadn't seem him this bad before. Eventually, I talked with his dad, and it was decided we had to go to the ER again. His parents and his fiance (my best friend) asked to stay updated.

We showed up to a new hospital this time, hoping for better service and some answers. We went through the same procedures again, but this time, he could barely sit in a chair. He moved and turned in pain and sometimes grabbed my hand, squeezing it in pain as we waited. We decided we shouldn't wait anymore in the lobby. If it was just going to be another 4 hours of waiting, it was pointless. Just as we got up to leave, a nurse director came out and asked for everyone's attention. We stopped in the middle of the room and listened to her out of courtesy. That's when she noticed Nate, bent over double in pain and asked for his name. Minutes later, we were being led into a room, getting care quickly. I was amazed and so grateful. I really didn't want a repeat of the night before.

I had brought my job stuff to work on, but I just couldn't focus in the hospital. Yet, knowing I was running out of time for my job then began to stress me out and the client had messaged me that day, saying she was getting anxious about when I would get things done ( I don't blame her, my own anxiety was running high about it). So many things were piling up and I had no clue how I was going to get everything done. And yet, my friend was still in great pain and watching him made me feel so helpless. I soon realized that I was feeling overwhelmed, whether I was willing to acknowledge it or not.

Here's where I soon realized my feelings: I wanted to be mad at him for being so sick. I realized I wanted to yell and say, "Stop being sick! Stop this! This isn't supposed to happen!" And the second I let those angry thoughts out and acknowledge them, I began to cry. I began to empathize with his pain and feel so sorry for him. Fear then ran through me as I wondered if we would ever be able to get help and figure out what is wrong. And I felt horribly guilty because I felt like I was totally useless. I didn't know anything about medicine, wasn't that good as a caretaker or even as an empathizer. All I could do was carry the papers nurses gave me and walk with him throughout the hospital.

I soon texted people, needing all the prayers possible. I didn't know what to do, but I needed God's strength and some kind of miracle to start happening. I didn't want to be at the hospital, but I couldn't tear myself away.

We went home, not as late as the night before, which was good. But I still stayed up late, working on a job that was due in a day or so. The next day, I felt even worse going into work, I was running on little sleep for the past few days. Nate seemed to be OK in the morning before I left, but then, I got a text in the afternoon saying he was back in the hospital. I wanted to throw my hands up in the air, defeated. I didn't know what was going on or how to deal with it anymore. I soon talked with various people and figured out what happened and his latest condition. After work, I went to the emergency room and saw him. He had more tubes, but he wasn't yelling or bent over in pain. He was stable and for that, I was grateful for. I merely walked in, smiled, and said, "I thought we agreed last night that while I want to hang out with you and have quality time, that the hospital wasn't the place to do it?" He replied, "I understand. I don't want to be here either, but all up in here" he gestured to his stomach "won't cooperate."

Despite my overwhelming feelings throughout the entire process, I did make it a point to laugh and joke around. It keeps things light-hearted and bearable. We joked about some of the weird doctors and nurses, told funny stories, and I probably just acted silly at some points. I don't think I could take being so serious through the entire process; it would just be too depressing. I was also super grateful for my friend Rahel, who was right next to me every step of the way. I couldn't have gotten it through without her. It was with her help that we got to the ER, texted family and friends together, asking for prayer and keeping them updated, and just bearing with me throughout the entire process. After spending 2 intense days together, I saw her in the third and she yelled, "Hannah! Come and cuddle with me and get some sleep! Aren't you exhausted?" I just laughed and jumped onto the bed and said, "You bet I'm exhausted!! Dude, I'm so tired."

We also had other friends help us out too, and for them, I'm grateful as well. Their prayers definitely got things moving and gave us strength. People went and visited Nate and really came together to help take care of him. Things aren't all taken care of yet, and Nate is still in the hospital, but his fiance, Kara, is with him now (she was also mighty worried about him) and he seems to be improving. Keep him and others in your prayers as we go through this. And thank you for everything you've done.

Hampton Creative - 10 year anniversary

A graphic designer friend sent me this video this morning. We all like to share cool creative, designy things we find. It's fun and helps keeps us inspired. :) Enjoy!


Hampton Creative | 10yr Anniversary from Hampton Creative on Vimeo.

Keep Calm & Carry On

Source: clichemotitte.tumblr.com via Hannah on Pinterest

Those legendary "Keep Calm and Carry On" posters are pretty popular and constantly are popping up on pinterest, facebook, and the likes. So here's a quick little history on the poster itself. It's actually pretty cool how the posters came about and the story behind them. Enjoy! :)