Depression & Insecurities: I will fight

Do you ever have those mornings where you wake up, and instantly your stomach feels sick? Your shoulders feel heavy and you're wondering how you'll motivate yourself to do anything? All you really want is to curl up into a ball and hide under  your covers and wait until the feeling subsides. Yeah, I'm definitely having one of those mornings.

For me, when I'm sad, insecurities often pop up as well, trying to drag me down even farther. It often feels like I'm trying to crawl my way out of a dark hole, but as I crawl, I feel the darkness cling to my body, trying to drag me back in. You pull and pull, gasping, reaching into the very depths of your soul for any reason to keep going. And sometimes, you just keep crawling, despite that you feel nothing what-so-ever.

I won't lie: I'm starting to get sick and tired of feeling insecure.

I sat at my desk at work, feeling sick to my stomach and wanting to drown in all the negative thoughts. I laid my head down and just prayed. Prayed for strength and for some way out of it. I began thinking of all the things that I needed to do; then all the things that I really wanted to do. I knew I didn't want to live in this depression; to feel so unmotivated to do anything. It wasn't me. I love life. I love getting the most out of anything and everything. I love hanging out with people and my friends. I began texting people to see if they wanted to hang out. That was a start. I then turned inwardly and yelled at the insecurities. I was angry. Angry that the insecurities were trying to take the joy out of my life. So I got up and yelled (mentally at myself):

I AM TOTALLY WORTH IT!

I am valuable and loved. People think about me. People love me. People want to hang out with me. And even if no one in the world wanted to hang out with me, I have a God that looks at me every single day and says, "I choose you!" He chose me yesterday, and the day before that, and He chooses me today, and He will choose me tomorrow, and plans on choosing me for the rest of my life into eternity. I have a God that will not leave me. So even if all else fails, I will not be alone. My value is not based on what anyone else thinks of me. It is not based on how often people talk to me or hang out with me. It is based on the simple fact that I exist and that I am a child of a the Holy and Beloved Father.

As I yelled (again mentally at myself), it didn't completely erase all my insecurities, but I saw that I was tired of believing lies about myself. I do not plan on living in fear. I do not plan on living drowning in a sea of depression, insecurities, doubts, and worthlessness. I am way better than that. I'm worth more than that.

The battle isn't over. In fact, the war has only begun. But I'm suiting up and grabbing the nearest sword, ready to fight and battle these thoughts. I do not plan on going down easily. I have a desire to live my life to the fullest and I won't let anyone, even myself, get in the way of that.

"The Lord gives his people strength;

the Lord grants his people security."

Psalm 29:11

Let's do this. 

Just Go With It

So here I am, once again. It seems like the past 7 or 8 months of life have just been a roller coaster of change, growth, new life stages, and most importantly, a change and growth within myself. Believe it or not, I actually have written quite a bit in the past few months about all the changes. There's probably about 50 drafts on this blog right now, from between July to now, full of written stories and ideas that I began to jot down, but... just never finished. Sometimes, I ran out of time, or got distracted, but other times, I never could finish because I could never seem to come to a full conclusion at the end. I never knew how to end the piece; to wrap it up nicely and say "I learned this because of this. The end." Each time, I was just left with an emotion and a sense of understanding that really can't be described in words. I'm a pictures and feelings type of person. To compress something in a simple, logical, step by step kind of way is not my style, especially when the lesson tends to be so personal to me. It's just not my style. I rather tell you a story and explain to you all the ups and downs that came with it.

So here I am, with many stories and emotions. I will tell you about my life and the things I learn as I go. And I hope, that there are times where you can learn something from them too and let them touch you as well. Here we go. Shall we?