To All My Male Friends (This one is for the guys)

In my last post, I talked about women. But now, I want to talk about men and how my view on them as been turned around in the past month or so. It's really been a fascinating, but liberating process and I only hope I can continue on like this. I know this is long, but do your best to read till the end. Especially my male friends. This one really is for you guys.

It all started when I was listening to a sermon on Ruth 2. For those of you who don't know the story of Ruth, it's about 2 women, named Naomi and Ruth and how they are redeemed even though they've experienced tremendous hardship. Ruth is Naomi's daughter-in-law and what has happened is that Naomi lost her husband and both of her 2 sons, one of which Ruth was married to. So the women are left without any men to take care of them and decide to venture back to Naomi's home country where there has been a famine for many years. Naomi and Ruth are on the brink of starvation and are extremely poor. Ruth decides to go out and look for work and comes across a field that belongs to a man named Boaz. Here is the part that my pastor began talking about. Boaz sees Ruth and has heard that she and her mother-in-law are in great need. So Boaz offers Ruth food and feeds her. Ruth happily accepts the meal and saves some to take to Naomi. Then Boaz offers her a job to help feed herself and her mother-in-law. There's much more to the story and way more details that give the story a lot more meaning, but it was here that I was struck with some serious conviction.

My pastor said that at this point in the story, you could look at it as courtship between Ruth and Boaz. But really, Boaz was just being a worthy man and doing what a man should do: helping a woman in need. He was treating Ruth with kindness, generosity, and respect in the way a man treats his sister. And Ruth was humbling herself and accepting the help. This is how men and women should act, treating each other with respect and helping one another, like we are brothers and sisters. My pastor asked the men if they were treating women like their sisters.

And naturally, my pastor then talked to us women and said, "Look, I know you are all smart, strong, and independent women, but it's OK to let a guy help you. It's not even about chivalry, it's seeing the situation and letting a man come in and give you some help." He gave a few examples, but the one that hit the most was "Say you're out with a group of friends and a guy offers to buy your meal. You don't have to think 'Oh! He must like me' or 'Oh crap. This is going to make things complicated' and what not. No! Just say 'Oh gee. Thanks! That's quite nice of you' and continue on." I had to replay that part a few times to let it fully sink in. I asked myself "Man, how many times had I done that with a guy?" How many times was a man nice to me and I automatically assumed he must want something from me. I assumed that he must like me, and then want to go out on a date, or get physical with me and all these things. I just sighed and my thoughts continued on in many directions, but one thing I realized is: that the old thinking process was going to have to change.

After finishing the sermon, I realized that I wanted to begin to love men like they are my brothers. I thought about my own brother and how much I love him dearly. I hug him all the time, hang out with him, and talk to him about all sorts of things. I encourage him to continue to be a man and then talk to him about my own problems. I seriously want him to be the best man out there and I'm always doing my best to root him on and talk about things with him.

So what would it look like if I did that with every male I met?

I suddenly wanted to rush to all my male friends and some near acquaintances and tell them how great of a guy they were and to keep going and working towards becoming a real man. I wanted to tell all my guy friends that they deserve a woman they adore and love and one who respects and loves them right back. I wanted to see each one of them gather up their strength as a man and use it, whether it was to stick up for women, other people, or just themselves. I seriously want all my guy friends to be the best man they can be because I know they all can do it. I'm friends with you for a reason and I know you all have the strength of a true and strong man within yourself, whether you realize it or not.

This flipped a switch in my brain. Suddenly, I didn't see men as this other species that I had to be wary of. I didn't see them as that odd part of creation that didn't make any sense. I saw them as people, as my own brothers and wanted to encourage and support them as best I could.

I mean, I've seen in the past few weeks how a man treating me like a sister totally helps my self-worth and value as a female. Guys just willing to help me and look after me without asking anything in return. It makes me go, "Wow. I am worth something." I had one guy friend treat me one night by buying me food and taking me to a great sight. At the end, he confessed he still had feelings for me but respected my decision for not wanting to date him. I was so touched. Even though I couldn't offer him what he wanted, he still treated me special and saw my value as a friend and as a person. It was the first time I ever experienced anything like that and it was only the beginning to some great healing that would happen within the next few weeks.

Another time, my brother and I were talking and I asked him what one of my ex-boyfriends was probably thinking and he said, "I think he's thinking that he lost a great girl. And if he's not thinking that, he really is stupid and not worth your time." I just smiled at my brother and hugged him.

I was talking to one of my friend's guy friends. He and I sorta knew each other, but not that well. I made a comment or two about relationships and I remember him just saying, "You gotta find a guy who will work for you. One that will pursue you to no end." I didn't even know him that well, but I just felt something inside of me warm and something else get patched up. To hear from a man that I had worth meant a lot.

I can only imagine the deprivation and low self-worth prostitutes and sex-slaves experience. Those girls are someone's daughters and sisters and yet, they are told they are only good for their bodies and even then, for a petty price. The damage they experience must be devastating and my heart aches for them.

And of course, as my view has changed and as I've talked with males, many have confessed to me their own pain from females. Ironically, just the other day, I was in a store looking for clothes and 2 men came up to me and started talking to me. They were sort of hitting on me and I was already trying to calculate how to run. The one weird friend finally left and I was left with the guy that supposedly was the one that was really interested in me. I chatted with him a bit and he was nice. He asked me for my number and through some series of events and him being quite persistent, I eventually gave in. He texted me later and said, "Look, sorry if I'm bothering you but I'm tired of being treated like crap and you seem like a nice young woman, not to mention beautiful. I just really want to get to know you better." At first, I honestly wanted to yell and say, "Gah! This guy just wants to get something out of me. He wants to date me and have me be this pretty thing on his arm." But then I stopped and I reminded myself that he too was a person. He was my brother in God's eyes, whether I liked it or not. I calmed myself down and replied, "Look, you aren't bothering me. I'm sorry you've been treated like crap. You don't deserve that. You deserve a woman who will respect and admire you and support you. We can get to know each other better and see where that takes us, but I can't promise you anything. If anything, the least we can be is friends." He only responded with a smilie face and I haven't heard from him since.

I don't know if that was the right thing to do, but it was as honest as I could be. But I saw how tempting it was to be harsh and bitter towards men in general. Yet, God reminded me about how they too are just people and I stopped myself. I had to remind myself that each man is a person and has experienced pain too. Like I said, many men have come to me, telling me how they've been treated like crap and used by women. And for all that, I can only apologize and tell them that they don't deserve that kind of treatment and they also deserved to be loved and respected. Before I would have been tempted to retort back "Well look buddy, you ain't the only one. I've been done wrong too." Now, I just sigh and apologize. No man deserves that treatment.

So this is to all my guy friends and just any guy in general. You are totally capable of being an awesome and amazing man and deserve a woman that recognizes that. She will be a woman that respects and loves you. She will challenge you to be better, but at the same time, appreciate the man you are. And until you find that woman, do your best to treat women as your sisters and women, treat men as your brothers. We can all go around and talk about how we've been done wrong and treated like crap, or we can stop, see that we're all people with some baggage and pain, and work to encourage and affirm each other. Here's to my brothers and sister! Love you all. :)

The Brokenness of a Female Heart

Lately, I've been learning a lot about males and females, from their roles to their very essences. In church, my pastor did a couple sermons on Ruth and it really rocked my world. Early this year, I read the book called "Captivating" which is a beautiful book about women and their femininity and their desires. I'm now currently reading "Wild at Heart" which is written by the same people as Captivating, but is for men. I've been learning about what men desire and their masculinity and many different wounds men can receive.

I feel like this whole year so far has been really a crash course in male and female roles. I've struggled with a lot of fears that I've had with men and relationships. And I've also come to terms with my femininity and looked at what it really means to be female. There's so much to it, but I suppose I'll start at the beginning.

For many years, I always considered myself to be very much of a tomboy. I never played with Barbies when I was a kid and loved getting dirty and playing video games. I've mostly had male friends most of my life. When my female friends wanted to go shopping and do their make-up, I was playing video games or wanting to play sports. I honestly thought myself as a pretty sad excuse for a female.

Not much changed as I got older. I mean, sure I had the body of a female, but still not feeling very feminine on the inside. I mean, I'd look at some females who loved cooking and cleaning, their clothes were always so cute and their hair well done. They enjoyed shopping and make-up. Most of the time, I'd either put on my jeans or basketball shorts and a t-shirt, and be out the door, playing a sport or getting messy with some artwork. None of the typical female stuff interested me.

But what I've come to terms with this year, is that all the above criteria isn't what makes a female... well... female. Sure, I think it is part of it, but those requirements do not even come close to the core of femininity. And I realized this year, I am indeed, very much a female.

As I read the book "Captivating" by Stasi and John Eldredge, they stated that their are 3 core things that a female desires. She desires to be on an adventure, to be romanced, and to be beautiful. The core question at every woman's heart is "Am I beautiful? Am I valuable? Am I worth fighting for?" As I read that, my heart automatically connected and was like, "YES! That's what I've been desiring for SO LONG!" They then describe some of the fears females deal with. The one that stood out to me the most were the questions: "Am I too much? Am I not enough? Am I really worth it?" And I realized those were the questions that I was dying to have answered within myself. I was waiting for a man to come along and say "You ARE worth fighting for and you are very valuable."

A peace came over me as I read that book. I felt like it had been validating many fears that I had been hiding within myself for a long time. Fears that I felt like society was saying "You shouldn't have those. You must be strong. You can't need anyone. Those things are silly to desire." But as the year went on, I realized how much more damaging it was to deny myself these desires and emotions. Anxiety would rise up and I felt like an emotional war was waging inside of me. To deny those desires was denying my feminine heart.

Let me paint a picture for you of what it's like to experience this fear:

I remember I was staying late at my internship and my boyfriend at the time was supposed to come by and walk me home. I called him up and he stated that he wasn't feeling so good. When he stated that, my brain said "Oh crap. Don't want to burden him. Just offer to walk yourself home. It's selfish and horrible to ask him to come." I quickly said, "Oh! That's OK! I can do it!" But the moment those words left my mouth, my heart fell. He replied, "You sure Hannah? I mean, that would be nice." I don't remember much else of the conversation, but I remember the second it ended, tears began to flow forth from my eyes. Lies started appearing in my head that stated, "See? He doesn't really care. You aren't worth protecting." It was in that moment, I felt like I was standing alone in complete darkness. My heart was begging to be told "You are valuable. I will protect you no matter what." But instead, it felt like it was an inconvenience, only worth protecting when it was easy. I remember crying as I walked home that night by myself, feeling lonely and not valuable. I was also shamed to call up one of my guy friends to walk me home, not only cause of the tears but because I didn't want them to say "Hey, why isn't your boyfriend doing this?" when all my heart would be thinking "I'm not valuable enough for him to be here."

And some of you may be reading this thinking that I was being over dramatic. You may be thinking, "You got so upset that he didn't walk you home one night? Really?" But you see, that's not the point. The point is that a female heart desires to be protected, fought for, and loved. And yes, in that specific point, there were many other things going on in the relationship that did not help that sad, lonely night. It was actually just one of many nights that I walked myself home or was left feeling lonely and unprotected.

There was another time, where I was at a social gathering and again, was supposed to meet the boyfriend of the time for the event. It wasn't vital that he showed up. It wasn't a date or anything. Just something we like to go to together. He had texted me that he'd be a bit late. The event started, and 30 minutes passed. Then an hour, and then an hour and a half. He didn't show. And I remember, looking up towards God and asking, "God, is it so wrong that I'm sad he isn't here? I know I don't need him, but I'm really sad he isn't here." Again, in that moment, even though I was surrounded by friends and was safe, I felt abandoned. I felt uncared for and like my presence was forgotten. My heart again asked, "Aren't I valuable? Am I not worth being here for?" I also cried for a very long time that night.

While I was trying to answer these questions, the typical American ideals kept coming into my head. "You shouldn't be this effected. You are strong and independent. You don't need anyone. Suck it up and get over it." Then other thoughts of "See? You expected too much? You really need to lower your standards." and then "Why would he be here for you? You aren't worth it. Take those emotions and get rid of those." These very thoughts tried to deny the emotions and desires I was feeling. But by trying to deny those feelings, I was denying part of myself and only doing more damage to my already wounded heart.

This isn't a post to talk about how bad my past boyfriends have been. No. It's not about that at all. It's realizing how very female I am and how those desires are OK to have. You don't realize how much I struggle with telling myself it's OK to want to be protected and be told I'm valuable and beautiful. For a very long time, I think societal views and comments from other people have made me try to deny myself those very desires. But finally, I felt like God said, "Don't listen to them Hannah! I have designed you to be this way. It's OK to want those things." You see, in our design as women, we also represent an aspect of God. Women are beautiful and desire to be loved, and that's how God is. He is so beautiful and mysterious and wants to be loved and pursued by us so badly. He represents this desire and beauty in the wonderous female form. In the way women are calling and asking to be pursued and loved, God is also asking the same thing.

And in through my struggles and longing questions within my heart, I see that God is also telling me "Hannah, I'm here. I'm always here for you no matter what and will protect you. You are my beautiful and beloved daughter and I will never leave your side." In one of the hardest nights of my life, when I had a panic attack and didn't know what to do, but curl up in a ball and cry, I saw Jesus appear and squat down next to me. And all he did was sit there and said, "You will be OK." He didn't move or leave my side, but waited till I calmed down a bit. Then once I did, he said, "Better? OK. Come on Hannah. Get up and walk. I won't leave your side. We're in this together. So come on." He stood up and reached out his hand, "I'm with you, always."

I've also struggled with letting God love me. Again, I thought it as a weakness. I mean to want to be loved by someone is silly right? Ha. I often would run around, trying to do stuff for God when He was like, "Just stand still and let me love you!! You can't earn this Hannah! It just happens." But again, I was thinking, "I don't deserve this. Surely, this is wrong to accept." It's something I'm still struggling with I believe.

So yeah. I've learned that being female doesn't mean I have to cook and clean and be pretty. I mean, as I've gotten older, I've actually grown to enjoy those things much more. But more than that, I enjoy having people in my home and giving them a place to rest and to feel at ease. I want to be inviting and warm and love on people. This desire, I also see is very feminine. And it's OK to desire to be protected and loved. Do not deny a part of yourself, but instead, embrace it and let it grow and change you into the wonderful person God has created you to be. :)