I feel like this whole year so far has been really a crash course in male and female roles. I've struggled with a lot of fears that I've had with men and relationships. And I've also come to terms with my femininity and looked at what it really means to be female. There's so much to it, but I suppose I'll start at the beginning.
For many years, I always considered myself to be very much of a tomboy. I never played with Barbies when I was a kid and loved getting dirty and playing video games. I've mostly had male friends most of my life. When my female friends wanted to go shopping and do their make-up, I was playing video games or wanting to play sports. I honestly thought myself as a pretty sad excuse for a female.
Not much changed as I got older. I mean, sure I had the body of a female, but still not feeling very feminine on the inside. I mean, I'd look at some females who loved cooking and cleaning, their clothes were always so cute and their hair well done. They enjoyed shopping and make-up. Most of the time, I'd either put on my jeans or basketball shorts and a t-shirt, and be out the door, playing a sport or getting messy with some artwork. None of the typical female stuff interested me.
But what I've come to terms with this year, is that all the above criteria isn't what makes a female... well... female. Sure, I think it is part of it, but those requirements do not even come close to the core of femininity. And I realized this year, I am indeed, very much a female.
As I read the book "Captivating" by Stasi and John Eldredge, they stated that their are 3 core things that a female desires. She desires to be on an adventure, to be romanced, and to be beautiful. The core question at every woman's heart is "Am I beautiful? Am I valuable? Am I worth fighting for?" As I read that, my heart automatically connected and was like, "YES! That's what I've been desiring for SO LONG!" They then describe some of the fears females deal with. The one that stood out to me the most were the questions: "Am I too much? Am I not enough? Am I really worth it?" And I realized those were the questions that I was dying to have answered within myself. I was waiting for a man to come along and say "You ARE worth fighting for and you are very valuable."
A peace came over me as I read that book. I felt like it had been validating many fears that I had been hiding within myself for a long time. Fears that I felt like society was saying "You shouldn't have those. You must be strong. You can't need anyone. Those things are silly to desire." But as the year went on, I realized how much more damaging it was to deny myself these desires and emotions. Anxiety would rise up and I felt like an emotional war was waging inside of me. To deny those desires was denying my feminine heart.
Let me paint a picture for you of what it's like to experience this fear:
I remember I was staying late at my internship and my boyfriend at the time was supposed to come by and walk me home. I called him up and he stated that he wasn't feeling so good. When he stated that, my brain said "Oh crap. Don't want to burden him. Just offer to walk yourself home. It's selfish and horrible to ask him to come." I quickly said, "Oh! That's OK! I can do it!" But the moment those words left my mouth, my heart fell. He replied, "You sure Hannah? I mean, that would be nice." I don't remember much else of the conversation, but I remember the second it ended, tears began to flow forth from my eyes. Lies started appearing in my head that stated, "See? He doesn't really care. You aren't worth protecting." It was in that moment, I felt like I was standing alone in complete darkness. My heart was begging to be told "You are valuable. I will protect you no matter what." But instead, it felt like it was an inconvenience, only worth protecting when it was easy. I remember crying as I walked home that night by myself, feeling lonely and not valuable. I was also shamed to call up one of my guy friends to walk me home, not only cause of the tears but because I didn't want them to say "Hey, why isn't your boyfriend doing this?" when all my heart would be thinking "I'm not valuable enough for him to be here."
And some of you may be reading this thinking that I was being over dramatic. You may be thinking, "You got so upset that he didn't walk you home one night? Really?" But you see, that's not the point. The point is that a female heart desires to be protected, fought for, and loved. And yes, in that specific point, there were many other things going on in the relationship that did not help that sad, lonely night. It was actually just one of many nights that I walked myself home or was left feeling lonely and unprotected.
There was another time, where I was at a social gathering and again, was supposed to meet the boyfriend of the time for the event. It wasn't vital that he showed up. It wasn't a date or anything. Just something we like to go to together. He had texted me that he'd be a bit late. The event started, and 30 minutes passed. Then an hour, and then an hour and a half. He didn't show. And I remember, looking up towards God and asking, "God, is it so wrong that I'm sad he isn't here? I know I don't need him, but I'm really sad he isn't here." Again, in that moment, even though I was surrounded by friends and was safe, I felt abandoned. I felt uncared for and like my presence was forgotten. My heart again asked, "Aren't I valuable? Am I not worth being here for?" I also cried for a very long time that night.
While I was trying to answer these questions, the typical American ideals kept coming into my head. "You shouldn't be this effected. You are strong and independent. You don't need anyone. Suck it up and get over it." Then other thoughts of "See? You expected too much? You really need to lower your standards." and then "Why would he be here for you? You aren't worth it. Take those emotions and get rid of those." These very thoughts tried to deny the emotions and desires I was feeling. But by trying to deny those feelings, I was denying part of myself and only doing more damage to my already wounded heart.
This isn't a post to talk about how bad my past boyfriends have been. No. It's not about that at all. It's realizing how very female I am and how those desires are OK to have. You don't realize how much I struggle with telling myself it's OK to want to be protected and be told I'm valuable and beautiful. For a very long time, I think societal views and comments from other people have made me try to deny myself those very desires. But finally, I felt like God said, "Don't listen to them Hannah! I have designed you to be this way. It's OK to want those things." You see, in our design as women, we also represent an aspect of God. Women are beautiful and desire to be loved, and that's how God is. He is so beautiful and mysterious and wants to be loved and pursued by us so badly. He represents this desire and beauty in the wonderous female form. In the way women are calling and asking to be pursued and loved, God is also asking the same thing.
And in through my struggles and longing questions within my heart, I see that God is also telling me "Hannah, I'm here. I'm always here for you no matter what and will protect you. You are my beautiful and beloved daughter and I will never leave your side." In one of the hardest nights of my life, when I had a panic attack and didn't know what to do, but curl up in a ball and cry, I saw Jesus appear and squat down next to me. And all he did was sit there and said, "You will be OK." He didn't move or leave my side, but waited till I calmed down a bit. Then once I did, he said, "Better? OK. Come on Hannah. Get up and walk. I won't leave your side. We're in this together. So come on." He stood up and reached out his hand, "I'm with you, always."
I've also struggled with letting God love me. Again, I thought it as a weakness. I mean to want to be loved by someone is silly right? Ha. I often would run around, trying to do stuff for God when He was like, "Just stand still and let me love you!! You can't earn this Hannah! It just happens." But again, I was thinking, "I don't deserve this. Surely, this is wrong to accept." It's something I'm still struggling with I believe.
So yeah. I've learned that being female doesn't mean I have to cook and clean and be pretty. I mean, as I've gotten older, I've actually grown to enjoy those things much more. But more than that, I enjoy having people in my home and giving them a place to rest and to feel at ease. I want to be inviting and warm and love on people. This desire, I also see is very feminine. And it's OK to desire to be protected and loved. Do not deny a part of yourself, but instead, embrace it and let it grow and change you into the wonderful person God has created you to be. :)
No comments:
Post a Comment