Conflict in Relationships

"Why do we hate conflict?"

"Because it's just horrible," was the thought that went through my mind. I was in Chicago, listening to the director of my program speak about political issues and race. No one really said anything, but just stared at her. She continued on, "Really guys! Why is it we don't like conflict? Why do we avoid it so much?"

The conversation happened over 3 years ago, but it still lingers in my mind and I still ask myself, "Why is it that I hate conflict so much?"

Anytime I think of conflict, this horrible tension rises and my stomach begins to feel sick. I mentally think of all the places I'd rather be than in the location with the presence of disagreements and conflict. I want to run. I want to hide. I want to be anywhere, but where conflict resides.

Yet, as much as I don't like it, I have to accept the fact that I personally have probably grown the most after some form of disagreement or strife. And that, there are healthy ways to handle conflict and it's definitely a learned skill and something to be practiced.

I have to say that I've learned a lot about conflict from my good friends Isaac and Aidan (hi guys!). They love to debate, especially about philosophical and theological topics. And at the beginning, I was highly uncomfortable with it and often got perturbed. I hated debates and honestly, didn't want anything to do with it. I had only negative experiences with any such kind of debates and thought they were horrible. Yet, I loved the topics they brought up and wanted to participate in the discussions. However, the debate style made me anxious and nervous and I didn't know how to handle it.

I had voiced it to Aidan at one point and said, "Look at what I found! But I don't want you to find any loop holes in the argument and debate with me about the article. I just wanted to share it with you." I believe Aidan was kind of taken aback by it and he asked me about it. Him and Isaac then made it a point to be careful around me when topics came up. They often just sat down with me and asked me what I thought and made sure to affirm my ideas and put down my doubts. They were gentle with me in their discussions and really listened to me. I soon found myself much more comfortable around them when they debated and even adding my two cents here and there or asking questions. It took a while for me to learn to be present in the midst of conflict and be OK with that we were all passionate about our view points, but that it was OK to disagree as well. Just because someone didn't agree with me, didn't necessarily mean there was something wrong with me.

That's usually the biggest fear about conflict: that you could be wrong and therefore, there is something horribly wrong with you.

The next and probably biggest person I have learned about conflict with is my sister. We have lived together for most of our lives and have fought on and off for the past 21 years. Of course, anyone will tell you that the great things about siblings is, you can fight, but yet know it will be OK because in the end, they're still your brother/sister and they will still love you. The conflict will not end the relationship. Yet, that doesn't necessarily make the conflict any easier to deal with.

Over the past year, I have learned a lot about my sister and who she is as a person. We talk often and as we've both matured, learned to explain ourselves and how our brains work. Even though we look very similar on the outside (random strangers have come up to us and asked if we were twins), we're very different people on the inside.

And I love that we're different.

Where I am weak, my sister is often strong in. We joke about how vocal she is and how everyone appreciates her honesty in situations. Kate will say, "Maybe I'm too vocal," and I go, "But I love that about you! You're the voice in my head I don't let out. You stand up for me when I don't." And she has admitted that I sometimes calm her down and have helped her to watch what she says.

And of course, with two very different people living together, there will definitely be conflict.

There have been many times where we don't handle it well. One or the other or both will be severely hurt and upset. Sometimes we just don't understand the other and don't see eye to eye. And as we have continued to fight and argue, we have also gotten a lot better about it. We've learned to try to meet in the middle and compromise and talk out our problems. And even at times we will be upset with each other, we do our best in the midst of it to still respect the other person.

The biggest realization on how much we have improved came a few weeks ago. We were talking late one night and I had been feeling some resentment towards her. I voiced to her my feelings and I could tell that I must have triggered something. She looked upset and we sat there, in silence for a moment. She announced she was going to run an errand and then go to bed. I let her go. I have also learned with my sister that when she's upset, it's best to just let her go and feel what she's feeling and talk to her later. And of course, I'm the opposite. When I'm upset, I want the person to follow me and ask me what's wrong. Kate has learned to do this as well and often comes after me.

The next day, I thought about my sister and all the things she must have been going through. The comment I had made had been one I had said multiple times before and Kate has voiced before how it can sometimes make her feel and come across. I did my best in the moment to put myself in her shoes. So I called her up and we chatted for a bit as if nothing had happened and then I said, "Look, I just wanted to check up on you. I know I upset you last night and I wanted to apologize for that." I was preparing for a long drawn out conversation and tense moments. But what happened utterly surprised me. Kate simply responded, "It's OK. I can see where you were coming from. Honestly, it's just been a rough week and it just was another thing added on top of that. I'm sorry I made you feel that way though." I then voiced how I could see that and said I understood that she must be feeling torn and overwhelmed. We talked a bit more, apologized, forgave each other, and it was done.

The conversation lasted 5 minutes.

The next 15 minutes was full of random plans and funny moments about the day.

I came home from work and hugged her, feeling relieved and happy that we could make it through a conflict so easily. I voiced at how great I thought we did about getting through that conflict and she just kind of shrugged. "Well, that's what you do, isn't it? You just listen to the other person and try to understand them. It's all about just understanding the person and voicing that."

And with that, I can see that the key thing with conflict is, really listening to the other person and stepping into their shoes. The hardest part about conflict is putting down your pride and really trying to see things from the other person's point of view. You actually may be wrong. And while that is scary, it's one of the best ways to grow. Kate challenges me and I love that about her. Of course, she's also laid the ground work of that she loves me and will really listen to me and makes me feel safe with her, but she also loves me in the way that she will sometimes calls me out and say, "I don't think I agree with that. I love you enough to point that out because I want the best for you."

That's the other thing about conflict: it's sometimes the best way to love each other. To call each other out and say, "You're wrong in this and I want the best for you, so I'm going to help you grow." You don't go about it in a self-righteous kind of way and declare that you know best. You don't tell the person they are horrible and make them feel stupid for their view point. You open up a discussion and love the person in the midst of it, listening to them, but gently pointing out that there are other perspectives. It doesn't mean anything is wrong with them or that they're horrible: but you see the potential in them and their worth to say, "I know you can do better than this and live a great life. Here's what I think."

And the thing is, they can do that for you too. It's a two way street, where one learns from the other. I love this definition of friendship:

"Friendship requires a humble confession that I can learn just as much from the other as he/she can learn from me."-Ruth Lin 

I'm not a professional at conflict at all and am still making a lot mistakes. But I'm learning and my friends and loved ones help me each day in that. We help each other grow. We make mistakes, we fight, we talk, and we work things out. We love each other and are passionate. And I wouldn't have it any other way. 

I Was Lucky, But Most Women Aren't

(Warning: This is kind of a more intense post that involves references to physical and sexual trauma. Just be advised)

I had walked out of the gym into the evening air, feeling pretty good after a decent workout. I saw my car, only about a 100 feet away and headed over to it. It was dark and some people were walking about, so I walked quickly to my car. I jumped into my car and set my bag down in the passenger seat, making sure I had everything before I left. Suddenly, I heard a groan. I quickly turned to look out my car window. 

And there he was. 

And suddenly, all my fears and horror stories of women being attacked flooded my mind and panic arose in my chest. 

His hand was on my window and I instinctively locked the car, staring at him, not knowing what to do. He groaned again and I could tell by his shrunken face, messy beard, and  disheveled appearance that he was probably a junkie. No coherent words came forth, but just low and slow moans from his mouth as he continued to look at me. 

Panic was rising higher and higher in me. "I have to get out. I have to get out of here now." I tried quickly turning on my car, but for some reason, the car alarm went off and I had to disable it. Thanks to my tricky alarm system, I realized I'd have to unlock the car in order to turn it on. "But if I unlock it, then he may be able to get in." And I shuddered at the thought of him being able to open the car door.

I heard a louder groan and stared at him as he pointed a finger at me and pushed it on the window. He then lifted his other hand and made a gesture. My eyes widened. I had only seen that gesture made by some males as a crude joke or in sexual references. My stomach dropped. He was asking me for a hand job. 

Frozen in fear, I just stared at him. He moaned louder and pressed his finger to the window. He then out spread his hand and pressed all five fingers to the window. Was he signaling that he'd give me $5? The sickening feeling in my stomach got worse. I shook my head and found myself yelling, "NO!! NO!!" He then just stared and as I looked at him, shaking my head; all I thought was, "Please don't have a gun. Please don't."

He continued to linger there for a few moments and I found myself, making up more plans to escape. I had a phone nearby. I began thinking about how fast I could quickly unlock my car and turn it on. Other ideas and plans began forming. And eventually, as I yelled a louder "NO!" he lifted his hand off my car window and began to slowly walk away towards the gym. I found myself quickly turning the car on and driving away back home.

And yet, I felt so gross, disgusted and scared.

It felt like I was covered in dirt and I wanted to wipe away the filth as fast as possible. I felt so weak and helpless. I wanted someone to protect me, to have jumped in and use their power to push the junkie away. I felt stupid in thinking I could walk in a parking lot at dark. When I had seen some shadowy figures, why had I assumed they were just other people walking to their cars? Why didn't I just walk back into the gym and wait? And a sickness hit my stomach. He had wanted a hand job. That was one of the first things he thought when he saw me. He didn't think about my life or who I was as a person. He just wanted the physical pleasure I could offer him.

I came home and told my sister, who quickly turned angry and said, "WHAT HAPPENED!?!" As I explained the story to her and got more upset, she quickly calmed down and said, "You're OK now though. Next time, call me." And at last, tears came to my eyes and I said, "I just wanted to have a good day. Why has this day been so crappy? Why me?" And my sister hugged me.

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It's been over a week since the incident and I've been able to process it and calm down. Of course, the lingering fear that someone may come up behind me still remains. I was already pretty cautious as a woman in those incidents, but now, there's an impending fear that won't leave me. And as I replay the incident in my head, I think about how lucky I was that nothing actually did happen. Yet, I feel worse when I think, "And what about all those women who do have something like that happen? They have experienced so much worse. I felt sick enough with that brief moment. But what about the women who aren't as lucky as me? What about the traumas and scars they experience?" 

And the horrifying thing is: incidents like these and much worse, happen often, on a daily basis. Some woman is stripped of her worth and told all she is good for is physical pleasure. It's terrifying.

And yet, they also begin to believe that it is somehow, all their fault.

I saw this temptation within myself. Especially as a few others found out about the incident and one of the comments was "Oh my gosh Hannah! You got to be smart! Come on." An anger burned up inside of me as I snapped back, "I'm not stupid! Walking in a parking lot isn't a stupid thing to do!" We angrily bantered back in forth, as the person's concern for me was evident, and yet, my already present frustration and guilt screamed their presence. My sister was the one who pipped up, "I'm pretty sure Hannah feels bad enough about this. She was the one who experienced it after all." 

My father found out and insisted that I next time ask one of the guys from the gym to walk me out to my car. "Hannah, they're all doing some kind of martial arts or kick boxing. Trust me. The guys will be more than happy to do it. They'd love the chance to fight off some guy for real and protect you."

That brought me to the next realization: we have become lax in taking care of one another. Instead of walking the other person to their car, we sit on our couch and say 'bye'. Instead of walking up to a front door and knocking, we stay in the car and honk till the person comes outside. We don't offer to pick each other up, but instead say "See you there." When someone says, "I'm walking home," we just wave as it was nothing, not asking for a text or phone call when the person gets home. 

So men, walk your female friends to their cars, especially at night. Women, watch out for one another, and stay in groups if you can. Males, also watch out for one another, because you can also get jumped or mugged just as easily.

And women, it's OK to ask for help. In a world and culture where we're often told to be "independent and strong", we must fight against the lies and step up and ask for help, especially from our male counterparts. We can be strong and independent, but the world is much bigger and stronger than our individual selves. That is why we must ban together to fight against the world, otherwise, surely, we will fall.

And men, you must ask for help as well. For the most part, women probably won't be able to offer up physical protection (it's just how it is). But, we will help you in other valuable ways: emotional and mental support, providing you with care and encouragement, and showing you love and value, no matter what you do.

Again, we all have to be in this together.