Conflict in Relationships

"Why do we hate conflict?"

"Because it's just horrible," was the thought that went through my mind. I was in Chicago, listening to the director of my program speak about political issues and race. No one really said anything, but just stared at her. She continued on, "Really guys! Why is it we don't like conflict? Why do we avoid it so much?"

The conversation happened over 3 years ago, but it still lingers in my mind and I still ask myself, "Why is it that I hate conflict so much?"

Anytime I think of conflict, this horrible tension rises and my stomach begins to feel sick. I mentally think of all the places I'd rather be than in the location with the presence of disagreements and conflict. I want to run. I want to hide. I want to be anywhere, but where conflict resides.

Yet, as much as I don't like it, I have to accept the fact that I personally have probably grown the most after some form of disagreement or strife. And that, there are healthy ways to handle conflict and it's definitely a learned skill and something to be practiced.

I have to say that I've learned a lot about conflict from my good friends Isaac and Aidan (hi guys!). They love to debate, especially about philosophical and theological topics. And at the beginning, I was highly uncomfortable with it and often got perturbed. I hated debates and honestly, didn't want anything to do with it. I had only negative experiences with any such kind of debates and thought they were horrible. Yet, I loved the topics they brought up and wanted to participate in the discussions. However, the debate style made me anxious and nervous and I didn't know how to handle it.

I had voiced it to Aidan at one point and said, "Look at what I found! But I don't want you to find any loop holes in the argument and debate with me about the article. I just wanted to share it with you." I believe Aidan was kind of taken aback by it and he asked me about it. Him and Isaac then made it a point to be careful around me when topics came up. They often just sat down with me and asked me what I thought and made sure to affirm my ideas and put down my doubts. They were gentle with me in their discussions and really listened to me. I soon found myself much more comfortable around them when they debated and even adding my two cents here and there or asking questions. It took a while for me to learn to be present in the midst of conflict and be OK with that we were all passionate about our view points, but that it was OK to disagree as well. Just because someone didn't agree with me, didn't necessarily mean there was something wrong with me.

That's usually the biggest fear about conflict: that you could be wrong and therefore, there is something horribly wrong with you.

The next and probably biggest person I have learned about conflict with is my sister. We have lived together for most of our lives and have fought on and off for the past 21 years. Of course, anyone will tell you that the great things about siblings is, you can fight, but yet know it will be OK because in the end, they're still your brother/sister and they will still love you. The conflict will not end the relationship. Yet, that doesn't necessarily make the conflict any easier to deal with.

Over the past year, I have learned a lot about my sister and who she is as a person. We talk often and as we've both matured, learned to explain ourselves and how our brains work. Even though we look very similar on the outside (random strangers have come up to us and asked if we were twins), we're very different people on the inside.

And I love that we're different.

Where I am weak, my sister is often strong in. We joke about how vocal she is and how everyone appreciates her honesty in situations. Kate will say, "Maybe I'm too vocal," and I go, "But I love that about you! You're the voice in my head I don't let out. You stand up for me when I don't." And she has admitted that I sometimes calm her down and have helped her to watch what she says.

And of course, with two very different people living together, there will definitely be conflict.

There have been many times where we don't handle it well. One or the other or both will be severely hurt and upset. Sometimes we just don't understand the other and don't see eye to eye. And as we have continued to fight and argue, we have also gotten a lot better about it. We've learned to try to meet in the middle and compromise and talk out our problems. And even at times we will be upset with each other, we do our best in the midst of it to still respect the other person.

The biggest realization on how much we have improved came a few weeks ago. We were talking late one night and I had been feeling some resentment towards her. I voiced to her my feelings and I could tell that I must have triggered something. She looked upset and we sat there, in silence for a moment. She announced she was going to run an errand and then go to bed. I let her go. I have also learned with my sister that when she's upset, it's best to just let her go and feel what she's feeling and talk to her later. And of course, I'm the opposite. When I'm upset, I want the person to follow me and ask me what's wrong. Kate has learned to do this as well and often comes after me.

The next day, I thought about my sister and all the things she must have been going through. The comment I had made had been one I had said multiple times before and Kate has voiced before how it can sometimes make her feel and come across. I did my best in the moment to put myself in her shoes. So I called her up and we chatted for a bit as if nothing had happened and then I said, "Look, I just wanted to check up on you. I know I upset you last night and I wanted to apologize for that." I was preparing for a long drawn out conversation and tense moments. But what happened utterly surprised me. Kate simply responded, "It's OK. I can see where you were coming from. Honestly, it's just been a rough week and it just was another thing added on top of that. I'm sorry I made you feel that way though." I then voiced how I could see that and said I understood that she must be feeling torn and overwhelmed. We talked a bit more, apologized, forgave each other, and it was done.

The conversation lasted 5 minutes.

The next 15 minutes was full of random plans and funny moments about the day.

I came home from work and hugged her, feeling relieved and happy that we could make it through a conflict so easily. I voiced at how great I thought we did about getting through that conflict and she just kind of shrugged. "Well, that's what you do, isn't it? You just listen to the other person and try to understand them. It's all about just understanding the person and voicing that."

And with that, I can see that the key thing with conflict is, really listening to the other person and stepping into their shoes. The hardest part about conflict is putting down your pride and really trying to see things from the other person's point of view. You actually may be wrong. And while that is scary, it's one of the best ways to grow. Kate challenges me and I love that about her. Of course, she's also laid the ground work of that she loves me and will really listen to me and makes me feel safe with her, but she also loves me in the way that she will sometimes calls me out and say, "I don't think I agree with that. I love you enough to point that out because I want the best for you."

That's the other thing about conflict: it's sometimes the best way to love each other. To call each other out and say, "You're wrong in this and I want the best for you, so I'm going to help you grow." You don't go about it in a self-righteous kind of way and declare that you know best. You don't tell the person they are horrible and make them feel stupid for their view point. You open up a discussion and love the person in the midst of it, listening to them, but gently pointing out that there are other perspectives. It doesn't mean anything is wrong with them or that they're horrible: but you see the potential in them and their worth to say, "I know you can do better than this and live a great life. Here's what I think."

And the thing is, they can do that for you too. It's a two way street, where one learns from the other. I love this definition of friendship:

"Friendship requires a humble confession that I can learn just as much from the other as he/she can learn from me."-Ruth Lin 

I'm not a professional at conflict at all and am still making a lot mistakes. But I'm learning and my friends and loved ones help me each day in that. We help each other grow. We make mistakes, we fight, we talk, and we work things out. We love each other and are passionate. And I wouldn't have it any other way.