For this past week, I have felt like I've been wrestling with myself. Emotions like anger and sadness rise up, and I want to battle them back down and say "Get over this! Calm down." A wrestling match ensues between my emotions and the other part of me that desires inner peace. Eventually, we run out of a time and nothing is settled and I end up just saying, "Forget about it." And yet, the anger comes back the next day and we're in another tussle where no one wins.
So I turn to God and say, "Why am I so angry? Why am I like this? Why am I so horrible? If I truly loved, this wouldn't affect me. If I was wise and discerning, I could see the bigger picture and these small actions wouldn't upset me. Why can't I get this right and just be a better person?"
I apologize for the horrible way I've been feeling and in all the cruel thoughts I think. I apologize for falling so short. I tell God, "I'm sorry Lord. I have failed yet again. But I will continue to try and change!"
And finally, towards the end of the week, I sit down tired, not in anymore control over my emotions and thoughts than when I began. I turn towards Jesus and say, "I'm sorry. I want to be a better person. I want to be loving. I want to be peaceful. I want to be merciful, gracious, and so much. You have to change me."
He just smiles and whispers, "Stop trying to force it and just be happy where you are at. It will come in time. Enjoy the present you and give yourself grace in those moments. Then you'll be able to give it out that much more to others."
I realize it's the same issue: me trying to be perfect and in control. The me trying to change me, through methods of more anger and frustrated discipline. And naturally, only more rage and exasperation arises and a downward spiral ensues. But instead of beating myself up for all the ways I fall short, I must step forward and get on my knees at the cross and surrender. I must say, "I can not change myself. So please, do your work with me." I must not say this in a frustrated, angry voice, but with peace, acceptance, and trust. I am not alone in this struggle and there is a love there, waiting for me to step into it and be transformed, not through my will, but His.
