A Dedication to Nick Klein

I remember the phone call so clearly.

I was at a 21st birthday party and my phone began to ring. I looked down at the phone and saw that it was my mom. I quickly excused myself and went outside. When I picked up, she said, "I just wanted to let you know that the other night, Nick Klein died." I froze. I took in a deep breath and said, "What? But..." My mom replied, "I know. I'm still in shock. But yeah, Nick died." I had to stop the tears from flowing right there so I could hear the rest of the story. We talked about the Klein family, and what I had heard recently about Nick. I brought up a few memories and we both expressed our shock of the whole situation. My mom told me when the funeral was and she said, "You don't have to go, but -" I instantly cut her off, "I'm going Mom. I'll be there." It felt right. I felt like I needed to pay my respects to a dear friend and go visit a life and people that I hadn't seen in years.

I remember crying a little bit as I stood outside the restaurant. I had so many mixed feelings. I had to get back to the party, but at the same time, I wanted to just sit outside and cry. I collected myself a bit, and went back to the party. My attitude was definitely a bit different, but I did my best to stay cheerful.

That night, I cried for Nick. I remembered all the times we played as kids together, all the times we carpooled together, how we used to go to the park and Nick would always skate ahead because he was much better at roller blading than I was. Since I was such a tom boy, I'd pull Nick's hair sometimes, because that was his weakness and I could always make him cry for mercy. When his and his brothers came in, Nick usually marched in first, and the other 3 followed suit. Nick and I would tease our younger siblings and we played video games together often. As far as childhood friends, Nick was it for me.

But as we got older, we began to go our separate ways. Nick began to be interested in girls and start dating, and I was more about just playing sports and having fun. And soon, I just went to a totally different high school altogether, and didn't see anyone again for quite a while.

The funeral was heartbreaking. I just remember sitting there, thinking, "Nick should be here. Why isn't he here? He should be here." There were times where the tears would just stream down my face and my mom would hand me a tissue to quickly wipe away my tears. The hardest part though was watching the casket go down the aisle. I could barely stand there as I watched the box that held my friend's body go past me. It was the final goodbye for me. 'Goodbye Nick' I thought, and with that, he was gone.

The last time I had talked to Nick was about a month or two ago. It was before I left for Chicago. We talked on Facebook about how we should meet up again and hang out like we used to as kids. I told him how I never smoked weed before and he was like, "Really? Well, you should. I'll do it with you Hannah." I laughed, thinking I probably won't ever smoke weed, but Nick's offer was funny and how I just wouldn't mind hanging out with him again. He told me about his addictions and down spiraling emotions. I urged him to hang in there and that I had his back and if I could help, I would. He said he appreciated the comments and was glad he could talk to me again.

I remember Nick now because I posted a Facebook status about my annoying car insurance extravaganza. I saw how many people liked it and thought, "I bet Nick would like this status. I wonder when he'll like it." But I caught myself. Nick wasn't here to like the status. My heart filled with grief for a moment and a tear fell down. I talked to a friend about it and she said, "I bet Nick likes it from heaven Hannah." That thought made me smile. Yeah, I bet he likes it from heaven.

So here's to you Nicholas Patrick Klein. Here's to all our carpool rides, our silly jokes, our brother & sister relationship, the way we teased and made fun of each other the way kids do, the way you always ran ahead of me on your bike or rollerblades or scooter, the times we went swimming together, and so much more. Rest in peace bro. I know you're in a better place now. You were a great guy. Thanks for everything.

How do you get to "Balance"?

I feel like I'm swaying from one extreme to the next.

First extreme: Become the social justice advocate of a life time. Start going to rallies, protesting, reading up on things, and working to make a change.

Second extreme: Go back to my complacent lifestyle and just stop giving a crap.

Third extreme: Become the bible thumping evangelist that begins yelling at people about Jesus.

I'm not sure where the third extreme came from, or if I'm even dealing with that. But I feel like it's something I do think about. Hm...

So, after my experience in Chicago, I came back wanting to make a difference. I came back wanting to change my lifestyle and the way I did things. I realized the things I wanted differently in our chapter on my campus. There were/still are many things I had now decided to work on and change. Yet.... there seemed to be a lack of motivation from the people around me. They gave me, "Mmmm... that's nice," and went on their way. Others did give me support. Then there were those that said, "This is just the way things are. Just deal with it." That was hard to hear, especially from my own parent.

With all of this, resentment, bitterness, and a spirit of condemnation towards others came over me. I wanted everyone and everything to change. And I wanted to get to it now. Or at least... start getting to it. I began seeing so many problems with the world and the people in it, and even the church, that I was beginning to feel fed up and just plain angry.

These feelings scared me.

I felt like one of those angry nuns that you see whacking kids with rulers and telling them that their sinful nature will get them no where and that they're going straight to Hell. I hated those people and thought, "That's not like Jesus at all." They were the people that would turn me off from religion and God.

So I realized that I needed to begin to humble myself. I needed to just calm down and relax. So for the past few days, I've been sitting around, watching anime with my brother. It's been pretty swell, I won't lie. It's beginning to calm my down and I'm beginning to feel more positive about things.

Yet, this positivity and laziness made me feel like I was becoming who I used to be. I wasn't giving a crap anymore about the issues I had learned about and actually considered ignoring them and just going on with my life.

But then I remember, "My God demands justice. Something needs to be done. I can't ignore these issues. But then........ but...... will following after justice turn me into a monster?" I was scared and didn't know what to do. I saw that my passion for social justice could possibly turn me into a hateful monster and I got scared. That's not what God is about. I should want to change the world, but not grow to hate it or condemn it all the time. Jesus didn't do that and he had every right to.

So, I guess I've been lying here for a while asking, "Where's the balance?" Where's the balance between caring for issues and also just remembering to enjoy life every now and then? Where's the balance between being frustrated with the world, but at the same time loving it, the way Jesus loved it so much, he died for it. I can't be angry at everyone for not doing what I think "their part" should be. I should love them, no matter what and believe that whatever I do, it is for them and because I love them. I should be lamenting for the world and crying out to God to change things and to guide me and show me how. How can I personally work to make a difference? My personal testimony in itself can make a difference.

I guess this can be my prayer to God. It's a prayer we don't say very often, but I think God needs to hear it either way.

Lord, I'm confused. I need your help buddy. Just.... guide me. Love ya. Amen.

So there's that, I'm confused and working to find balance. Wish me luck.

The Last Update from Chicago

Today is my last day of work. And I’m kind of bummed.

Yesterday, the staff at Grace & Peace Community Center made us a Puerto Rican lunch and it tasted FANTASTIC! One of my favorite items was alcapudias. It’s made out of plantains and meat and some other stuff. It tasted so good. I’m a fan of Puerto Rican food. And also Colombian. And then I’ve had cemitas and tortas from the Mexican restaurants here. Oh man! I’ve had so many different types of food here, and each culture makes it a little bit differently.

During the lunch, the staff said how grateful they were on how we have helped for the past few weeks and how we have truly been a blessing. Emotions began welling up in me that I hadn’t even realized were there before. Even though I’ve been serving them here at Grace & Peace, I feel like I have received much more. Watching these people follow God and be a true blessing to the community has inspired me to do the same thing when I go back home. I’ve learned so much from these people and I’ll truly miss them.

I’ll try to summarize my week: We took a tour on Saturday of a church in La Villita and learned a lot about the community and the way politics and church can work together, but also have to be separate. The church we visited had a boxing ring on the floor below the sanctuary, which was awesome. We were supposedly also on the Latin King gang territory, which is supposedly one of the largest gangs in the nation. It has about over 1,000 members nationwide. My jaw dropped.

On Sunday, we brought dinner over to a Mexican family and just hung out with them. I mostly played with the kids. They kept calling me “Hannah Montana” and then laughing. But once I got the game “I Spy” going, they quickly got wrapped up in the game and kept asking me what was next. The family was really nice, and again, we had to use our broken Spanish and hand signals to communicate with some of the family members. The dad spoke English though and he would translate a lot.

As for the past week at work, I’ve been sorting through clothes in order to keep some for the shelter/apartment place we have here for women who have suffered from domestic violence and then the rest would be given away to the community. I work with Jordan, a 16 year old boy, who lives in the area and is doing community service. I ask him a lot of questions about the gangs and just life in the inner city. He says things like, “Well, I gotta dress good to keep my swag. I don’t wanna be lookin all huff and all.” FYI, huff means “lame”. I also learn a lot of new terminology from Jordan as well. Lol.

I’m going to miss my roommates, the other teams, and all the people I’ve met here. We all have grown pretty close and I’ve really enjoyed meeting them. I plan on keeping in touch with a lot of people here. Even though it’s only been 5 weeks, we all have gone through some intense emotional experiences and understanding God’s love for the inner city and justice. We’ve been studying the book of Amos and man, that book is amazing. It’s definitely grown to be one of my favorite in the Bible. While it’s been an intense study, each of us goes in and says, “Are you ready to get emotionally torn apart and have Amos ruin our lives?” Then we all laugh. I believe it’s because while Amos and just CUP in general tears up emotionally and mentally, we really see the value in all and hunger for more of it. We have a retreat this weekend where we get to spend more time with each other and say our goodbyes. Once the retreat ends, CUP is over.

I’m also excited to go back home to Arizona and see my family and friends there. I feel like a different person and I always keep asking God that the change that He has made here in me continues and that I don’t forget what I’ve learned here. I already see that happening as I have applied for an internship down in Tucson that has a lot of programs that out reach to the community. I’m praying that I get it and that God will continue to open my eyes to the world around me.

So, here’s to the trip! There’s more to tell, but I only have so much time. Thank you for your prayers and encouragement. I arrive back in Arizona on Monday and will be hitting the ground running with all that I have to do once I get home. So I hope to see you soon!

Bye!

A Whole Other World

I had my first experience with the gangs here in Chicago. It was scary, but also made me want to go hide in a corner and cry for the gang members at the same time.

What happened exactly was we went to an old paint factory that the church bought and wants to use and renovate for the future. It needs a lot of work, so in the mean time, they are using it for storage for donation items and rent out some of it to other local ministries. We did some yard work around it today, and then helped unload about 300 bikes into the building. All the bikes were donated by a community and were going to be fixed up and given out to the kids in the community. But some unwanted company had seen the huge semi of bikes and followed it to our building.

At first, they didn't do anything but stand on the side and watch. It was a couple of African American guys who were probably around the ages of 14 to 20. But soon, they got closer and closer to the bikes. Eventually, they started stealing some or trying to steal some. Some guys who were with us stood up to them. They got in there faces and said, "You aren't taking these bikes!" They were also young African American men, who were doing community service hours. Basically, they were guys who had once done wrong, but were trying to get their lives back on track and do good things. They stood between us and the gang members, knowing exactly what the gang members were capable up. They were my heroes and I never admired anyone so much in my life.

We eventually found a way to get the bikes in and unload them in a safer way. The members were still outside, and were threatening that they would come back later tonight and steal the bikes. An older guy from the community center I work with, named Jose Vega, was also threatened by them. Jose... he's just one of my favorite people. I love this guy. He's like late 50s, early 60s, and is just amazing. He's from Puerto Rico and I just truly enjoy working with him. But, when Jose went up to them and said, "Hey, we're just a ministry trying to do some stuff for the kids. Just please go away, or we'll call the police." One of the gang members said, "Look, if you call the police, I don't care what happens to me, but we'll come here and blow everyone up." Jose looked at them and said, "Fine. But look man, these are bikes that are going to be donated to the children. If you want to steal from the children, go ahead. This isn't about us. It's for the kids." And Jose walked away. I already knew that I loved and respected that man, but my admiration went up for him even more.

As we drove away, finished with all the bikes, we all were just glad that we got out OK. Jose pointed out that things could have gotten a lot worse. His grandson, Jordan, was with us, and I began talking to him about gang stuff, because he seemed to know a lot more about it. As he and I talked, he told me, "They were the four corners gang. They're an all black gang. But man, all I had to do was make a phone call and some Jaivers would have come and things would have gone down." I was curious and asked more about what he was saying. He said, "The Jaivers are a Latin gang. If the four corners had gone onto their territory, WHEW! They would have been done for." As Jordan explained more, I got sadder and sadder. He explained to me the names, the territories, and the race of each gang. There are A LOT, so I don't know each and every gang in Chicago. But he said, "You see, it's all about race and territory here. And respect, which is very little. My whole family are Jaiver disciples. I used to be one, but I got out. That's why I try to stick around the church. It keeps me off the streets."

I can't explain to you how sad and frustrated the situation makes me. Talking with Jordan and seeing the gang members up close, made the situation very real to me. I knew that there was still a lot of racial segregation in Chicago, and that the gangs were all based on race, but when it's in your face, it makes things so much more..... real, and so sad. I wanted to cry because how sad it all was. We were all in danger, over some bikes. Some bikes that didn't even work.

What also makes me sad is realizing how much more families and parents are involved in gangs. Jordan told me that his whole family, cousins, brothers, etc. were part of the gang. It's not like a choice these kids even specifically make. They are BORN into this life. The life of dealing drugs, fighting over territory, racial segregation, and violence. It's not something that's just bad luck or they stumble into, it's how they grow up.

More and more, the brokenness of the inner city is being revealed to me. Saturday, we ran into a drumline, and man, they were awesome. We actually all had lunch together. It was a FREE lunch too, which was paid for by this Puerto Rican guy named Tony, who felt like treating good kids. You see, what was special about this drumline, was that they were there to help and try to keep kids off the street. They try to teach kids how to play drums and do performances, to show that kids can strive for something else than just the gang life.

One of the kids, named Zairus, told us a little bit about his life. He said how he had been writing music since he was little, but his parents never supported it. He has always stayed away from the gang life, but when he goes home, every time and every day, someone is bugging him about selling drugs or a fighting that is going down. He said, "It happens every day. My parents don't support me with my music dream, and my friends and family are trying to get me into a gang all the time. But I know this is what I want and love to do. This is the way to go. So I just keep pushing forward and doing what I know is right." We asked him his age, because he sounded like 25 or so. He was 19.

The life here for these people breaks my heart. The system is so messed up here. But the thing is, I feel like that it may even be similar in Arizona. These two worlds, the one I live in, and the gang world, seem to be so hidden from each other, that I've been wondering how much I've missed. It seems like I've been missing a whole other world that has been happening right in my own backyard.

Even in Chicago, Arizona's problems follow me

So Arizona had that whole illegal immigration law thing pass (It's been a while, so I forget the name). I remember the huge uproar it sparked and the conversations that it brought up. People said it was allowing racial profiling. Others found it was just another way for the government to uphold the law. Where was I in the mist of all this controversy? Smack dab in the middle.

I remember when I first heard about the whole thing, I sided with the Hispanics. I was like, "It's not right for the government to tear families apart!" and just thought "that was that". Then one of my close friends was reading about it and said, "You know, I don't see what the big deal is about the whole law thing. I mean, it doesn't sound bad to me. If they're illegal, they're illegal." I tried to calmly explain my view on the whole thing and she replied back and we went back and forth calmly a little bit. But I remember one point at snapping at her as it seemed she just wasn't going to see my side. We then finally just agreed to disagree and left it at that.

But I remember thinking, "You know, maybe it's time I start doing research on this thing myself. I want to see what this law is really about." I didn't want to be ignorant about the issue.

I didn't really know where to begin, so I began asking A LOT of my friends. The problem was, I was on a college campus with mostly upper middle class white Americans. A lot of them did say, "Well racial profiling is wrong and I don't like that they break apart families, but well... it's illegal." And I had many friends who went to explain in great detail why illegal immigration is bad. But the thing is, none of them knew about the issue personally. None of them (and I must include myself) have ever been racially profiled against or even had to worry about a family member being deported.

But, I was hearing mainly one side. I didn't realize it, but it wasn't until I met someone who had and is STILL dealing with it personally that I realized there was a whole other side to the story I hadn't heard about.

To keep it short, I got into an argument with a close Hispanic friend of mine. It wasn't something where I was like, "Yeah! We should deport all illegals." I just brought up the issue and stated that I was trying to look at it from both sides. Well.... he got really angry and I was shocked by his responses. I had not met anyone who felt so strongly about the issue.

I felt hurt after it. I remember walking away, crying, thinking that I would never read or bring up politics again if it cost me my friends, especially close and important ones.

While this argument happened about over a month ago, I still think about our argument a lot... well, I can't even call it an argument. We'll say "encounter". It's because here, I'm learning about racial profiling and segregation. Not only that it still exists, but the hurt that goes along with it. I began hearing stories from people who were African American, Asian American, and Latin American. They expressed their feelings and some very painful memories. I was shocked and walked away saddened. Not just saddened, but also convicted and heart broken. I kept asking myself, "How could I have turned such a blind eye? How could I have been so ignorant?"

I realized that there's still a lot I don't understand. I was talking with my director who is Latino (techincally Columbian and Argentine). I remember her saying, "There's some stories that I only tell because I feel God telling me to share my story. I know I'm called to share them, but afterwards, I always feel so broken and exhausted. And it's because I had to reach so far down in myself to a place that is so full of pain and brokenness, that it just emotionally drains me. And a lot of people, don't want to revisit that pain, or don't want to be so emotionally evoked like that."

We talked about it some more and she gave me some things I could read. She said, "You will never understand what the pain is fully like. But at least, you can meet someone half way and catch a glimpse. You won't be asking them to emotionally reveal themselves to the point where they are naked." So, I think I will do that.

Luckily for me, many of my friends understood that I was ignorant and tried not to get mad at me. As for that Hispanic friend and I, we're still close thankfully. We talked it out a bit and reached an understanding. But I sit here now, thinking not only of him, but of all my other Hispanic friends and even, friends of other cultures, minorities, and races. How much hurt have they gone through that I'm totally unaware about? How ignorant have I been? And how many times have they silently forgiven me for my blindness and ignorance and thought, "Hannah has no idea, and never will."

And I guess, I just want to say, "I'm sorry" to all my friends, especially the ones who are a completely different culture and race. I'm sorry for my ignorance. But, I also want to let you know that I respect you. I really do. To go on the way you have, and to smile at me and even befriend me, you all are truly great people.

I know there's a lot I don't understand, but I ask people to please be patient with me. There's a lot I will never understand, but I'll do my best to try. With all my actions and all the laws that get passed, I'm beginning to understand that it effects someone somewhere out there on a very deep and life changing level. And it's time, I start thinking about them and not turning a blind eye to stay in my comfort zone.

Sorry if this blog offended you or you think I'm over exaggerating. It's my feelings.

So, even in Chicago, Arizona's problems follow me. I thought that I'd get away from all this racial profling and immigration talk. Ha. It's one of our main focuses. But now, I've also learned that it's not just an Arizona problem. It's everyone's problem.

My Chicago Adventure So Far

Well well, I’m in Chicago.

I’ve been here for two weeks, and I really don’t know what to say about it all. I have so many emotions and thoughts running through me, it’s hard to process exactly what I’m thinking.

For the first week or so, we just did a bunch of training and sight seeing. We went from neighborhood to neighborhood, seeing what different cultures lived there and how churches were reaching out to their community. That was really interesting and pretty cool. What was sad about it though was the way all the communities are pretty divided. I never knew how racially divided Chicago was. I remember sitting on the bus, leaving one of the African American communities and watching the buildings change. It was like within a few blocks, suddenly, the buildings went from sort of shabby looking to really well kept. I knew that I was suddenly in a richer and nicer part of the Chicago. The people who got on the bus were different too. They were usually white or just dressed differently. I believe the cause is called gentrification. That was the first time I actually saw the result of it.

I live in the Puerto Rican community. Part of my trip involves just learning to be a part of my community and reaching out to them at the same time. So, we live like them. We have no car, so we only take public transportation. We have a budget to spend on groceries and go to the laundry mat. At the laundry mat, everyone speaks Spanish. I usually can only talk to the kids, because they’re the ones that know both Spanish and English. Sometimes we play “Guess that Spanish word” where they say a word in Spanish and we have to guess what it means. I’m also practicing rolling my r’s so I don’t sound so white when I speak. I'm failing pretty bad, but everyone gets a good laugh as I try. Haha. And any of the adults I speak with, they’re usually patient and we use hand signals to communicate.

The church and community center I work with are great. Right now, I’m just doing a lot of random jobs at the community center, from administrative work, to cooking, to watching over kids.

What I do admire about the Latino community so far is how welcoming everyone is. We went to a block party, and just showed up at a person’s house. This woman named Yvette welcomed us in with wide arms, served us food immediately, and introduced us to practically her whole family, from her mom to her 10th cousin. I felt like I was a part of the family. The Latinos’ hospitality just blows me away as we get invited over for dinner or to hang out.

One of my favorite people that I met so far was a woman named Migdalia. We went into her beauty salon and asked to speak with her just to hear her story. She walked up to us with 2 cell phones in her hands and her head set blinking and asked how she could help us. We told her that Sandra (my director) had sent us and asked if we could just talk to her, but if she was busy, that was OK too since we came in unannounced. Immediately, she hugged us and said, “God bless you!” She asked for a minute or two to deal with the calls and she’d be with us. She then sat for 30 to 40 minutes with us, just talking about her life and how God had been there for her in her toughest times. I don’t think I even told the woman my name, but she made me feel so loved and like I was her family. She was definitely one of my highlights of the trip.

There’s so much more to say and all the stuff I’m learning just blows my mind. I’m still processing it all. It’s been a very interesting adventure here, learning about the inner-city of Chicago.

Random Parts: My director, Sandra, was the lead worship singing at Urbana. This woman blows my mind! She leads our Bible Studies and I walk away feeling like I need to go change the world. I also met the president of InterVarsity. He was pretty fun and relaxed. I’m also the only one from Arizona. Heck, I’m the only one from the Southwest/Rocky Mountain region.

So, if you’re reading this, keep praying for me. I’m still not sure how I’m changing or even how to handle all this information, but I know God is doing stuff. Also pray that my Spanish gets better and that we can really connect with some of the people here.

Love you all! Bye!

Lack of Focus

I realize, that when I write, I don't really have a focus. I just have a bunch of thoughts in my head that I feel like I need to let out and sort through. And when I do have a focus, I'm either writing a story, or I just have this huge emotion that I just need to let out.

I wonder if this reflects my life at all. I never really have a focus on a single thing. I'm just so fascinated with everything and I get distracted very easily. I jump from thing to thing, activity to activity, thought to thought, and then I look back and go, "Where did I even start?"

(Gosh, that rhymed again. And I didn't even try. Maybe I AM poetic. Psh. Yeah right.)

All of it makes me wonder, is this normal? Should I have a focus? Or is it OK to just wander around?

Maybe after all, I do have a focus. They all have just been short term. I don't have an overall focus, I just have short term focuses.

Yeah... I'll just tell myself that.

Even though.... I'm pretty sure it's true.

When Did I Get So Old?

I'm only 20, almost 21, and I'm already asking myself "When did I get so old?"

I really don't know when, but many times, I find myself doing things that as a kid, I could imagine my adult self doing. And now that I'm doing those things, I stop and go, "Whoa... I'm... OLDER." And it sometimes scares me.

It really hit me this evening when I was watching TV with my brother. He fell asleep and I turned to him, telling him to go to bed. He only nodded and I said more firmly, "Go to bed." He sensed the firmness, got up and went on his way. That's when my sister walked in 30 minutes later than the set curfew I had given her. I was putting some dishes away, thinking of all that I could say to her and the scolding I was going to give her and that's when I saw her walking in quite sad. I knew the reason behind the expression and let her cry on my shoulder a bit. I thought to myself, "She needs love now. I'll scold her in the morning or something." And I suddenly felt like an old adult, trying to help a kid get through a phase in life. And it then hit me, I felt like a parent watching over her kids. I'm not going to lie though; the thought and feeling scared me.

This is when I discovered that I'm really not done having adventures yet. The reason why I say this is... that feeling of being a parent, it made me feel domesticated and settled, and I'm not ready for that. After a while, being at home makes me feel restless. I want to pack a bag and bolt out the door, not caring if I have a place to stay or transportation. Reckless I know, but I enjoy the unknown possibilities. Parents are always a kind of killer for those kind of dreams. They say, "Stop and think!" And a lot of times, I don't really want to think. I'm just excited for life and ready to pursue it head first.

And sometimes I have to remind myself, this is normal for my age. And not only is it normal for my age, but it's just normal all around. This life at home, it's not the life I'm choosing for myself, at least, not now anyways. This is not the city I choose to live in. These daily activities I do aren't always by my own choice. So, it's not wonder that when I think about it, I want to create a life full of my choices and decisions. Anytime I get out of the house and travel on my own for a bit, it feels so natural. It feels like I have my life in control again and am ready to create my own life according to my desires. It's a beautiful feeling really.

I suppose I've known most of this about myself already. I know I get restless after being at home a certain time. My parents have become more understanding and my family overall has been more enjoyable to stay with these past few weeks. But now, I can sense the adventure inside of me rising and wanting to run through the door. Good thing I'll be leaving in 10 days to start another adventure. Off to Chicago I will be, to partake in adventure God has given me. (Oh gosh! That just rhymed. Sweet.) Am I stoke? Yes. Do I know what I'm in for? No. Do I like it that way? You betcha!!

So... I'll acknowledge that I'm getting old. Sure I'm not THAT old, but I also know that I'm not ready to settle down. That feeling of being like a parent scared me. I can't imagine myself being an actual parent to my own kid, but it's probably going to happen someday. You know... someday... in the future! Until then, I'm going to enjoy my sense of adventure and the ability to go where I want to go. I may be getting older, but I'm progressing at the right rate. And right now, I'm enjoying the freedom of an adult, but the responsibilities of a child, and the adventurous soul that lies within me. So here I go!!!! Yeah!!

Books Are My Friends

I realized today that when I read books, I feel like I've made a new friend.

Is that weird?

I noticed it today as I was finishing up a series I was reading in the book store. I was too cheap to buy it and I knew there was no guarantee it was going to be good. So I just decided to read it in the store. By the end, I was tempted to take the books home and put them on my shelf, along with many other books of mine. The series itself was OK. No big plot twists, but I loved the characters. I just remember thinking in the end, "I don't want to part like this. I want to take the books home and remember..." and then I was like, "Wait... remember what??"

That's when I realized that when I read the book and really enjoy the characters, I feel as if I'm making a new friend. It's not so crazy really once you think about it. You get to know the character really well (most of the time, their deepest and darkest secrets) and in a sense, you're spending time with them (and my love language is quality time). That sounds just like a friendship, to me at least.

And it also explains why I have a hard time getting rid of books in my collection I have on my shelf. I look at each and think about how well I got to know the characters and sometimes, even what I was going through at the time I read them. I remember cheering them on as they went through some crisis or feeling sad when their lives weren't going so well. I laughed with them and rejoiced when the character/s finally won out in the end. So, when I look at each book, I think of the stories and characters I've read about and have grown to cherish. That's why it's hard for me to part from them. And I always want to collect more, not only because I love having a big collection, but because each one was a friend I made and I want to keep them forever.

I wonder if this makes me sound crazy. Probably does. Oh well.

Tears, Dogs, and Unfinished Business

I saw "Marley & Me" for the first time the other day. I never cry during movies, but this movie made me bawl and hug my dog (who is also a lab) as he licked my tears. I think it was mainly those little kids who got to me. The times they would say, "Marley is the best dog," and "He's not going to die, right?" Oh my gosh, my heart broke for those poor little kids. I was like, "No!!!" I also think it didn't help that I started my period that very day I watched the movie. My emotional hormones were on a high and it left me the complete mess that I was watching the movie. Dang.

Secret Confession: The first time I cried during a movie was in the first Pokemon movie when Ash sacrifices himself to save the Pokemon. Don't judge me! Come on now... when Pikachu cries, everyone cries. It was a beautiful, touching moment.

So I touched on the "tears" and "dogs" part, but now you're probably wondering about the "unfinished business". Well, I only mentioned that because again, I saw that I had not posted in a while and looked through my "drafts". I have about 3 of them, waiting to be posted. They're actually pretty good too. I really should give myself more credit as a writer. I type fast and make a lot of typos, but my thoughts usually flow pretty well. Usually. And if you think I'm a crappy writer, well shut it. Let me be in my own little world and think to myself that I can write decently. Don't kill dreams so easily.

Anyways... I wished I could finish my previous writings and post them. One, I don't think I will post because of the touchy subject. The other few, I think I might... later. Yeah... later. Hopefully later. Hopefully... sometime.

Well, at least I started and finished one post. Props to me. *gives pat on the back* I feel better about myself now. Good night.

Fantasy or Reality?

OK. So I'm back again. I feel the need to write, to let out some of my thoughts that are in my head, but haven't formed yet. But I know they are there.

I also have the need to watch anime, but dinner is coming soon, and I dislike having to stop an episode in the middle. So my writing urge won out.

Alright. So the topic of the day, hour, minute is... Fantasy or Reality? Which one would you choose?

Let me guess. Fantasy, right? It's the world full of endless possibilities, exciting adventures, heroes and heroines, monsters and dragons, magic, advanced technology, and is just a world full of our dreams and hopes.

I know I used to wish I belonged in a fantasy world. I want to be able to transform into a wolf, ride a unicorn, cast magic spells, fly, fight evil doers, and be the hero of my story. But now, something has changed. I noticed this after I read the story "Shiver". A friend lent it to me since she knew I loved wolves and figured I would enjoy it. The story in itself wasn't too bad. However, I noticed that once I got halfway through I wanted to stop reading. Yet, I couldn't because I have this syndrome of "Once you start something, you need to finish it." I was curious as to how the story ended, but there were definitely parts of the book I didn't enjoy.

I think it was the whole love story in the book. The two act intoxicated with one another, even though they barely know each other. And I'm not going to lie, I thought it was crap. I thought to myself, "The way they act towards one another... it's so... unreal. I get it, they're in love. Reason does go out the window a bit, but these two... it's kind of ridiculous." It was "love at first sight", but I don't know. I just didn't like it. It sort of reminded me of the Twilight romance between Edward and Bella. Yet, I won't lie, when I read those books, I didn't get the dislike feeling like I got from "Shiver". It could be because I read Twilight when I was a different person and in a different stage of my life. Even then, the love in Twilight makes a BIT more sense in my head than this romance in "Shiver". But I'm going to stop bashing the book now. The author is a decent author and she describes things beautiful. She had written beautiful lyrics and the poetry was wonderful.

But this made me wonder, did my view on fantasy and reality change? Did I now choose this reality I was living in than the fantasy world I always dreamed about as a kid? I mean, after I read "Shiver", I was dying for something nonfictional, or something based more in the world I lived in today. And I kept thinking, "Well, at least I can relate to it and maybe take some of the knowledge and use it." When did I start becoming so practical?

I'm not sure when all of this happened, and I still love to day dream, but I think I've finally begun to enjoy reality and see the beauty in it. I mean, living is hard, quite hard. And so when small moments happen, like a butterfly crossing your path, a flower catching your breath, that rainbow in the sky after the rain, all of it... is so beautiful. I don't need to sprout wings or become a wolf to enjoy life. Sure, I think it would make life more interesting... and maybe more fun (maybe), but the thing is, I've really begun to enjoy and appreciate this reality of life I have now.

Most of the time, we think the grass is greener on the other side. Surely an adventurous life is way more fun and enjoyable than a mundane life, and vice versa. We human beings always like to "reach for the moon". No matter what we have, we're always reaching for something that is out of reach, believing that it is the only thing in the world that can make us happy.

But perhaps, I've finally stopped reaching and really see how green the grass is on MY side.

I think most of it is because of God. There are many moments where He takes my breath away and I just can't help but to feel His love and let it out pour from my heart. It puts a warm smile on my face and I just think, "No matter what my world is like, I'm just glad I have this... this feeling in my heart."

So maybe it's not that I've given up on my fantastical dreams. I've just received a love and joy that transcends both fantasy and reality.

It's Been A While

So, I'm not going to lie: I totally forgot that I made this blog.

It came as a surprise to me as I accidentally stumbled upon it once again. I had to sign onto Google Blogger in order to comment on a blog for class. Trying to figure out how to post the comment, I just put in my email and began puzzling how to do it all. That's when the site logged me onto a profile that I was like, "Wait... what?" and I discovered this blog that I had created oh so long ago.

At first, I thought I must only have had one post. I thought, "Meh... sounds like me. Put one post and totally forget about it." Then, as I looked through, I saw that I had four, which surprised me. And they were a lengthy four. That didn't surprise me (I tend to write a lot. lol.). I read through each one and realized that I had actually put some thought into my posts. They were interesting to see what I had put oh so many months ago. The memories would come back to me and I was like, "Hm... oh yes. I remember that. Wow... I really did have those thoughts back then." Then I wondered: do I still now?

You have to realize, it's been about 9 months since I last posted. Almost exactly 9 months to the date. I feel like I'm a different person than I was back then, but still contain some of the same thoughts and feelings. However, I handle those thoughts in a different way now.

I feel calmer in a way. I feel more content with my views on life and current situation. Then again, I'm now back on my own in college, preparing to go off to a missions trip and loving the feeling of adventure and independence. God and I have also gotten much closer. I've begun to know Him in a whole new way and a whole new light. It's incredible really, and I really feel blessed. I've supposed I've matured a bit too and learned many new things in the past 9 months. Nine months seem long, but in retro speck of my entire lifetime, it really is no time at all. And yet, so much changes not only in your life, but in yourself as well. Here are some examples:

I led a Bible Study and actually brought a few people closer to God. Definitely wouldn't have even thought I could have done that last year.

Many of the friends I had last year, I'm not as close with this year. Even my view on friends has changed.

I went to a Navajo Reservation and helped build a house in a week. I had barely picked up a hammer before that time.

I dated a guy that was in the Navy ROTC program. I learned a lot about the military and about relationships once again.

I was brought down to my knees before God, telling how Him how sucky I am, but I'd take any amount of grace or mercy He could give me. I knew I didn't deserve crap, but I just kept saying, "I'll take anything you can give me. Anything. Any scrap. Please." and I begged and I begged.

I finally got something.

I got into the Art Program that I wanted to in school.

I drew naked people for the first time.

I actually read a book in the Bible. And not just one book, but a COUPLE books.

I'm almost done with all four gospels.

I actually began attending a church... regularly.

I bought somewhat stylish clothes.

I got rid of the layers in my hair.

People actually began coming to ME for prayer and spiritual guidance.

I'm going on a missions trip to live with poorer communities.

I really like hobos.

I have no clue what I'm gong to be doing with my life, but I'm excited.

And that's just a few things off the top of my head.

So here's to the past 9 months. The past 9 months I didn't tell you about and that I didn't even document for myself. But you know, who really cares? I doubt this blog got a lot of views. It's just been here, floating in cyberspace, waiting for me to come across it once again. Oh well.

And here's another toast: to us, you and me, me and you. Hopefully, this relationship will continue and we won't forget each other. Who knows... we'll see.

Here goes nothing.