I really don't know when, but many times, I find myself doing things that as a kid, I could imagine my adult self doing. And now that I'm doing those things, I stop and go, "Whoa... I'm... OLDER." And it sometimes scares me.
It really hit me this evening when I was watching TV with my brother. He fell asleep and I turned to him, telling him to go to bed. He only nodded and I said more firmly, "Go to bed." He sensed the firmness, got up and went on his way. That's when my sister walked in 30 minutes later than the set curfew I had given her. I was putting some dishes away, thinking of all that I could say to her and the scolding I was going to give her and that's when I saw her walking in quite sad. I knew the reason behind the expression and let her cry on my shoulder a bit. I thought to myself, "She needs love now. I'll scold her in the morning or something." And I suddenly felt like an old adult, trying to help a kid get through a phase in life. And it then hit me, I felt like a parent watching over her kids. I'm not going to lie though; the thought and feeling scared me.
This is when I discovered that I'm really not done having adventures yet. The reason why I say this is... that feeling of being a parent, it made me feel domesticated and settled, and I'm not ready for that. After a while, being at home makes me feel restless. I want to pack a bag and bolt out the door, not caring if I have a place to stay or transportation. Reckless I know, but I enjoy the unknown possibilities. Parents are always a kind of killer for those kind of dreams. They say, "Stop and think!" And a lot of times, I don't really want to think. I'm just excited for life and ready to pursue it head first.
And sometimes I have to remind myself, this is normal for my age. And not only is it normal for my age, but it's just normal all around. This life at home, it's not the life I'm choosing for myself, at least, not now anyways. This is not the city I choose to live in. These daily activities I do aren't always by my own choice. So, it's not wonder that when I think about it, I want to create a life full of my choices and decisions. Anytime I get out of the house and travel on my own for a bit, it feels so natural. It feels like I have my life in control again and am ready to create my own life according to my desires. It's a beautiful feeling really.
I suppose I've known most of this about myself already. I know I get restless after being at home a certain time. My parents have become more understanding and my family overall has been more enjoyable to stay with these past few weeks. But now, I can sense the adventure inside of me rising and wanting to run through the door. Good thing I'll be leaving in 10 days to start another adventure. Off to Chicago I will be, to partake in adventure God has given me. (Oh gosh! That just rhymed. Sweet.) Am I stoke? Yes. Do I know what I'm in for? No. Do I like it that way? You betcha!!
So... I'll acknowledge that I'm getting old. Sure I'm not THAT old, but I also know that I'm not ready to settle down. That feeling of being like a parent scared me. I can't imagine myself being an actual parent to my own kid, but it's probably going to happen someday. You know... someday... in the future! Until then, I'm going to enjoy my sense of adventure and the ability to go where I want to go. I may be getting older, but I'm progressing at the right rate. And right now, I'm enjoying the freedom of an adult, but the responsibilities of a child, and the adventurous soul that lies within me. So here I go!!!! Yeah!!
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