Quotes from Lewis: Artist and Artwork

This specific part of the book really struck me. The conversation is between artists, and naturally, I could relate.

"Light itself was your first love: you loved paint only as a means of telling about light."

"Oh, that's ages ago," said the Ghost. "One grows out of that. Of course, you haven't seen my later works. One becomes more and more interested in paint for its own sake."

"One does, indeed. I also have had to recover from that. It was all a snare. Ink and catgut and paint were necessary down there, but they are also dangerous stimulants. Every poet and musician and artist, but for Grace, is drawn away from love of the thing he tells, to love of the telling till, down in Deep Hell, they cannot be interested in God at all but only in what they say about Him. For it doesn't stop at being interested in paint, you know. They sink lower – become interested in their own personalities and then in nothing but their own reputations."

-C.S. Lewis, The Great Divorce, 84-85


I hope I never lose sight of the vision, sight of the light. I am guilty of caring about the aesthetics or image more than I do about the meaning and message behind the piece. But ultimately, the only thing that will matter in the end, is God himself. No paint, ink, computer, etc. could ever replace that.

Kinetic Typography

So I enjoy typography, but I probably love kinetic typography even more. It's something I wish I had more time to mess with and play with. Here's a few of my favorite videos.

The video that got me started:

My all time favorite kinetic typography video:

Linsanity: The Asian American All-Star

Recently, news of Jeremy Lin, an Asian American basketball player for the Knicks has been popping up in my Facebook news feed. And now today, I saw it on Yahoo news. This guy intrigues me for three reasons.

1. It's basketball and I love basketball.
2. He's an Asian American stepping into a sport that's dominated mostly by African Americans and White Americans.
3. He's Christian.

If any of you have ever watched a basketball game, especially an NBA basketball game, you know that the court is not often filled with Asian Americans, if at all. There have been some other Asian American stars, like Yao Ming (I believe he's the most recent), but that's one out of the many players on the court.  But if you compare other famous basketball names, like Kobe Bryant, Lebron James, Shaquille O'Neil, Dwayne Wade, Kevin Durant, and Steve Nash, there seems to be no Asians in the game.

Now, Jeremy Lin is all over the news and they're calling it "Linsanity". This guy is the classic story of "player gets over looked, finally gets a chance to play, and now he's rocking the NBA world". But better yet, he's an Asian American player, so he also stands out for those reasons. In fact, there's been some major controversies already.

Here's an article where ESPN is apologizing because one of its reporters wrote an article that was titled "Chink in the armor". They fired the reporter and suspended a couple of other employees.

http://www.latimes.com/sports/sportsnow/la-sp-sn-jeremy-lin-espn-headline-20120220,0,3952849.story

Now, Lin is getting so much coverage and attention, and with fear of more racial slurs and comments being made, they actually made guidelines concerning his media coverage:

http://news.yahoo.com/blogs/cutline/asian-american-journalists-association-releases-guidelines-jeremy-lin-155822233.html

I read some of the comments on this past article. One person said, "Why it's such a big deal that he's an Asian American? Just call him American." And naturally, there were a slew of replies, but I thought, "I remember I used to think like that." But the fact of the matter is, being an Asian American means they grew up differently than an African American, White American, Mexican American, or Native American. Yes, we live in America, but we aren't this huge "melting pot" everything thinks of us to be. The recent analogy I heard was more like a salad bowl. There's a bunch of different pieces, but they aren't making one homogenous culture.

I can go on and on about race and culture. Any of you who know me, know how passionate I can get about appreciating and respecting cultural differences and learning to understand them. But I'm going to let someone else explain it. Out of all the articles to read, I think you should all read this one. This isn't just a news article, this is how Jeremy Lin's career, a career of an Asian American, is personally affecting someone:

http://www.nytimes.com/2012/02/12/sports/basketball/the-knicks-jeremy-lin-faith-pride-and-points.html?_r=2

"The feelings the Lin phenomenon instill in me are orders of magnitude greater because he is an Asian-American, like me, whose parents were immigrants to this country, like mine. He grew up, like me, in the United States, speaking English; his Chinese, like mine, could use improvement."


I enjoy playing basketball and have played with various different groups. Most of the time, I'm usually the one of 2 females amongst 7 or 9 guys. In the past 6 months, a lot of the people I play with are Asian. I made a joke to someone that said, "Dang. We could call our team the 5 Chinamen, 2 white girls, and... Ed?" We all laughed, but now that I look back, I wonder how my basketball loving Asian friends feel about Lin. Are they feeling a sense of pride describe in the above article? Are they also watching his career closing and hoping to become like him? 


Whatever happens to Jeremy Lin, I wish the best for him. I think it's awesome that he's getting all of this attention, and I hope more of my Asian friends continue to play basketball and are inspired by the "Linsanity". 


I'll also be curious as to see how his faith plays out on the court. To me, he doesn't have to be wearing crosses or talking about Jesus every time a reporter talks to him. I'll see his faith in the way he plays. If you have ever played sports seriously, you'll know that when you're on the court, your focus is on the game and playing it right, respecting your teammates and your opponents. I've played on too many teams to know about the potty mouths and horrible events that can go on when a player gets out of line. It ruins the game and shows the poor spirit of the player. 


So here's to Jeremy Lin. I hope his career continues to go well. I'm excited to see what happens to him. 


~~~~~~~~~~~


New addition:


Lin is getting so much attention, that even Ben & Jerry's named an ice cream after him. 


http://sports.yahoo.com/blogs/nba-ball-dont-lie/ben-jerry-replaces-fortune-cookies-lin-sanity-flavor-162728739.html

Musical Thursdays

I've become a recent fan of Shawn McDonald. :) This is one of my favorite songs. It's called "Free" and definitely describes have I have felt at times. Take a listen.

Hard to find a good video, but the song is what ya need to here for the most part. :)

Free by Shawn McDonald


I feel like the weight of the world is all - crashing down on me 
And some how I just don’t believe this is how - it is suppose to be 
And all this expectation on - the way I’m suppose to live 
Becomes my minds distraction - with nothing left to give

You said your burden is light and your load - is no more 
You said your ways are right and in you I would soar

I want to be free - free to dance and free to sing 
Free to live and love and free 
Oh, free to be me

I feel like my heart is being beat - down into the ground 
In you I’m longing for some peace - to be found 
I know the heaviness that’s - making me cold 
Is stealing my youthful soul and - making me old

You said your burden is light and your load - is no more 
You said your ways are right and in you I would soar

I want to be free - free to dance and free to sing 
Free to live and love and free 
Oh, free to be me

Wednesday: Quotes from Lewis

So I'm a fan of CS Lewis, and I think I'm going to start doing quotes from him. CS Lewis is a fantastic writer and seems to understand human beings quite well. I think that's the part that always amazes me about CS Lewis: his grandeur image of God and his amazingly accurate description of humanity.

I just read The Great Divorce. So we'll begin there. :) It's a book about heaven and hell and is quite interesting.

"Don’t you remember on earth—there were things too hot to touch with your finger but you could drink them all right? Shame is like that. If you will accept it—if you will drink the cup to the bottom—you will find it very nourishing: but try to do anything else with it and it scalds.”

-C.S. Lewis, The Great Divorce, p. 61

At first, I was confused by this quote. But now, I begin to understand it a bit more. Being shamed can lead to humility, but only if you take that shame and swallow it. Accept it and don't look back. But if you bring that shame up and try to use it with people or situations, it will just burn you. It will not only be useless, but hurt you more in the end. 

Broken Pieces

I had a mental image the other as I thought about many things. 

I was in the middle of a bunch of shattered glass, picking up each piece and trying to gather them all, even though they were everywhere. I somehow knew that the broken pieces were pieces of myself. I felt overwhelmed, but at the same time, like it was my duty to pick up each piece. "I have to do this" I thought. "This is what they tell me to do." But as moments passed, I then thought, "I just.... I just... wished someone.... would tell me I don't have to. I just wish someone would say it's OK to be weak." Feeling overwhelmed, I just wanted to sit there and cry in the sea of broken glass. 


Suddenly, that's when Jesus appeared kneeling down next to me; he began picking up the pieces of shattered glass as well. I turned to him, and he looked at me and smiled. "I'm here to help you. You don't have to do it by yourself." He then turned back to picking up the glass. "Let's do this together." 


And suddenly, the pieces of glass didn't feel overwhelming. I felt like I could keep picking up the pieces. It was there, Jesus told me, "It's OK to be broken. I will be there with you in your brokenness and help you." 


The thing is, people want to be accepted for who they are, faults and all. But also, people don't want to sit in their own brokeness. People don't want to continue to have faults. They want to become better people. We all have this desire to do good, but that's where it stops. It's a desire. A desire that is easy to have when everything is going well. But suddenly, when things are going bad and the goodness in our own lives is stripped away, so the desire to do good and help others is stripped away as well. 


Yet, it's in those moments, when a hand that is reached out to us, that we are able to grab it and move forward. When someone begins helping to pick up the pieces of our lives, of ourselves, and helps place them together with us, that's when the desire is renewed. Jesus does that day in and day out. He meets us there, in our brokenness, ad mist the pieces of ourselves, and begins picking up the pieces with us. He says, "You don't have to go at it alone. Let me help you." And better yet, he says, "It's OK to be broken. It's OK to have faults. It's OK to be weak. That's why I'm here." 

Life will come at you, and leave a mess of things around you. But you're never at it alone. Let God come in and pick things up with you, and many times, for you. It's not a bad thing. It's a very human thing. 

Psalm 147:3 - "He heals the brokenhearted and binds up their wounds". 

Change your poo colors!

Oh my goodness.... YES!!!

http://egotvonline.com/2011/04/29/7-foods-that-will-make-your-poop-change-colors/

Being Selfish in Friendships

Is being selfish with friends really bad?

That’s a question I think I’ve been trying to answer and understand for a while now.

Honestly, my first inclination is to say “Yes. Yes, it is bad to be selfish overall. And yes, it is to be selfish with friends.”

I remember talking last year with a friend and saying, “Is it bad that I get jealous sometimes over my friends? That I don’t want to share them?” The person said, “I don’t think it’s quite bad. I go through that often.” We both discussed how it was only with certain people, individuals we were really close to. And naturally, we both agreed that the jealously could turn into something bad if I tried to be controlling or limiting of that person. But honestly, I don’t want to be controlling of any of my friends. But I noticed that inside my heart, I felt jealousy sometimes and this sense of “I want to be the closest to you. I don’t want others to get too close to you.” And ultimately, I thought, “I want to be the most important person to you.”

At first, I was surprised; I thought, “I shouldn’t think like that. I should just let the person be and let them be happy. How selfish of me to want to be the most important person.”

Yet, I then remembered that God is jealous for us. God is jealous for me. And I have never thought, “Oh God is so selfish.” I have often felt flattered and thought, “That is one of the biggest compliments I have ever received.” I like that God wants me so badly. It feels good to be wanted, to know that my presence matters.

In fact, it’s probably more of an insult if I say to someone, “You can love whoever you want. You can be friends with whoever you want. Just do and say whatever you want.” Why? Because it then states that I don’t care about you or what you do.

This question then came up again as I wanted to have some uncomfortable conversations with friends. Most of it was that something had happened or something was said that upset me a bit. And yet, I thought, “I should just get over this. I don’t want to bother the other person.” Or “They’ll just think I’m being sensitive.” or even,"I'm being selfish for saying this. I should just think of them first." And ultimately, I thought, “I just don’t want to have that conversation.”

Why though?

Well, because by having that conversation, I give power to a person and am saying, “What you say and do effects me. Why? Because I’m invested in you, I spend time with you, and I care about you. You’re important to me. So when you said this, I was hurt. Your words and actions matter, especially to me.” And many times, I’m unsure of how the person will react. I’m taking a jump and seeing if the person will respond with understanding and gentleness, or get defensive. I’m seeing if the person will apologize, or shrug off what I say and walk away.

And while I used to think again, “I’ll just be bothering them with this conversation.” I had to also realize, “Wait a minute. I’m also saying that I greatly care and am invested in this person. I’m saying this person’s presence and words matter to me.” Suddenly, what seemed like a burden also became a compliment.

It is my fault thinking that my own presence doesn’t affect people or what I say doesn’t make a difference. But also, if we don’t step up and have these conversations with people, none of us will grow and mature in realizing that what we do does make a difference and does affect people, especially to our loved ones. 

God's Lessons For Me Thus Far

So my head is spinning as always. Thoughts are racing through my mind, like they usually do. And well, I feel like I've processed so much in the past few weeks and learned so many things. And yet, I still have so much more to learn. So here's a recap of some of the things I've discovered:

1. God will not always tell us what to do. He wants us to learn to make decisions on our own and take responsibility for those decisions. We aren't just children anymore who can put the blame on someone else and say "Well, God told me to do it." We also have to learn to admit that we made the wrong decision and also humbly take credit on making the right decision, pointing to the wisdom God has given us.

2. Along with this, God will not force us to do things. I know for me, personally, it feels like if I'm not making some huge sacrifice for God, then I'm just not being a good Christian. I often want to keep proving to God how willing I am to do his work. I then can say, "See?!?! I'm doing this for you." But recently, I feel like God has been telling me to slow down and well, not do anything. He wants His love to infect my whole heart and realize that no matter what I do, His love will still be there. I'm often guilty of running around and saying,"No worries God. I got this! I'm just busy doing your work." And I feel like God just wants to grab me, sit me down, and say,"Will you stop for just one moment?! You're missing the point here!"

3. I've come to realize that God is transforming us and shaping us into people who will ENJOY doing his work. It doesn't have to be a "Mer.... God is making me do this. BOO!" It can be a enjoyable experience where we come before God and say, "God! I want to do this!" And He will smile back, knowing full well that He placed that desire in our hearts. If there is a desire in our heart, then take that desire and learn to glorify God with it, whether it is running a business, making artwork, doing math, or being active in ministry. Too often I have compared myself to others and thought, "I'm not doing things like they are, so I must be doing something wrong." Which is utterly wrong. If we all did things the same, we wouldn't be a body made up of different parts. I may do ministry a different way or even artwork a different way, but that does not mean it's less valuable than the next. God has a plan for my own abilities and skills and plans to his use them accordingly. I have to trust in this.

4. God has also been challenging me on the value of my own feelings and heart. Way too often have I downplayed my emotions or let things slide to not cause any commotion or make someone uncomfortable. I also have many doubts and fears when it comes to sharing those certain things with people because I fear I may sound silly or the other person won't care to listen. I also just don't like confrontation, so the logical thing is to just stay quiet and move on by myself.

It wasn't until the past few months that I realized how damaging that is. To tell my own heart and emotions to "shush" because they're inconvenient can be damaging. I realized if I continued to do that, I would end up denying the part of myself that is human. And if I continued to do that to myself, I would end up doing that to others, and that is just inexcusable. Now, I can see the benefits to letting my emotions come out and being able to confidently verbalize them and how that has effect others. In the past 6 months, my sister was crying about something and as tears flowed down her face, saying, "Bah! I hate crying!" I comforted and said, "Crying is good for you! Cry all you want. Let it out. Don't be ashamed. It's OK to cry. In fact, it's better if you do cry. It keeps ya human." Naturally, a few months later, I found myself crying and my sister comforted me and I apologized for crying. She said, "Why are you apologizing? You always tell me it's good to cry. So you cry too." I was surprised she remembered that, but glad she did.

I haven't gotten the hang of verbalizing my feelings yet, especially the negative emotions, but it's a process I hope to continue to get better at. If I let myself do it, then I hope I can continue to bring peace to others about doing it as well.

5. And last, but not least, I feel like God has been telling me to have confidence in my own beauty, physical, mental, and emotional. This hit me as I was talking to two dear guy friends about how I was attracted to a guy, but joked about how I would never talk to him. They both looked at me funny and said, "Why?" One spoke up and said,"Hannah! You're smart, nice, beautiful, and funny. You have a great chance! And if he doesn't like you, then forget him. He lost something great." The other guy said, "I see a 97% chance of success." That's when it hit me: I honestly had no confidence in myself that the guy would ever be attracted to me back. In fact, I believed that about many men. When my friend said that I had a 97% chance of success, I realized that I didn't even believe I had a 10% chance of success, let alone a 97%. That's when I began looking in the mirror and really trying to see my own beauty. I then pushed it to seeing my own intelligence and humor. I even had to remember my own love for God and His people. All of this is valuable. All of this makes up a beautiful person.

Again, I have been guilty of comparing myself to other girls. How I didn't feel like I was the typical "pretty" or even outwardly funny all the time. I can't always recite Bible verses back to my fellow brothers and sisters, and sometimes I'm still awkward at prayer. I'll say the wrong answers and don't know as much math or science as other women. I can't cook that well and suck at cleaning and organizing. But at the same time, I had to begin to value the pieces of me that made up Hannah. To see that I was still physically beautiful and was funny. That I did interesting things and enjoyed all sorts of activities. That I was down to earth, silly, awkward, clumsy, make ridiculous noises at weird times, cynical, and nerdy, and that there was value in ALL that. That God cherished that and that was who He made me to be.

Please don't think I'm going to now start walking around and thinking, "Oh!! I'm so great!" But it suddenly felt like God was gently putting his hand on my head and placing a mirror in front of me and saying, "Will you please take a good look at who you are? Please? Take a good look at the person I'm making you to be? See the woman of God you're becoming?" And a peaceful confidence was suddenly born inside of my heart. Again, I think the confidence is still growing and hopefully infecting many areas of my life.

6. All of this is just learning to trust God when it comes to myself. Trusting that God is working inside of me and is using me in his own ways. Trusting that God may let me mess up and I may go off in a totally wrong direction, but that he will be there, catching me and guiding me back. As a very lost sheep, trusting in the fact that Jesus will come after me and carry me back to the rest of the flock. I began to realize that I didn't trust God when it came to myself and that I just didn't trust myself. The other day, I thought, "God, what's inside of me may be too much to handle. I'm sort of scared of myself." But then I realized, "I'm not trusting God with myself." It's fairly easy (most of the time) for me to trust him with life circumstances, money, food, etc. God has pulled through countless times in that. But to trust that He is also making me into a woman after his own heart is hard. I fear the mistakes I'll make and the weight of my sin. I fear that I may totally screw up and just go on a totally wrong path. But again, God has presented himself to me and said, "You really don't see your own heart, do you? You don't see the love it has for me and my people? The joy it gets from connecting with me and being with me? Hannah, I told you that once you were on this path, there was no turning back. Believe in that." So again, the confidence was beginning to spill out into this area. Trusting that I was valuable enough that God would not lead me astray. To trust that I will make mistakes, but that what Jesus did on the cross is so much bigger than that. And to trust that God would help me overcome my fears and show me my own abilities and intelligence that He has cultivated.

God let's us make mistakes sometimes, but I also believe that each mistake comes with a lesson that often sticks with us a lot better than a success. My best example of this was when I was in Chicago. As a group, we had to do an activity, and in the end, we just utterly failed. Our staff leaders were initially confused and disappointed. We were the first group to fail in years. But they came to us the next day and said, "We were disappointed by what had happened and ultimately confused and worried. But then we realized by you all failing this activity, that it would also probably motivate you all that much more to never let the mistake happen again. It would stick with you that much more as you go on with the rest of your lives." And it's true. I still remember vividly the activity and all the things I wish I could change. If the time comes for me to do something, I feel like I will be that much more prepared.

Finally: I'm learning to really see and trust in my own value as a person; to trust that I am valuable enough that 2000 years earlier, someone saw that and endured whippings, beatings, the weight of a cross and said, "I will die for you so I can be with you." Even earlier, someone knit me from my mothers womb and designed every signal aspect of me, to the very hairs on my head and said, "She is beautiful. I want to be with her." And even the times when I'm like a prostitute, he is still there, saying, "I will take away your things so that you will look at me and see my love for you." And again, when I'm a lost sheep, he will come and say, "I'm taking you back home."

Michelle Obama vs Jimmy Fallen

Yeah, it happened. The First Lady is real serious about this "Let's Move" campaign and motivating people to get their kids to exercise. I enjoyed this small clip. Check it out:

http://news.yahoo.com/mrs-obama-beats-fallon-wh-fitness-challenge-061223371.html

It's kind of funny how being a celebrity or a political figure seems to be crossing a lot.

Maturity & Growing Up

So I'm growing up and it's really hard.

As senior year of college has rolled around, I've come to realized many things. The whole year of 2011 in fact was a roller coaster of many lessons and emotions that I can't even begin to describe it adequately without at least 100 pages to account for all the things I went through, processed, and discovered. It almost seems like since the day I left for college and stepped into Tucson, life has smacked me down and pushed me over and kicked me. So many times I cried for "uncle"; and other times, I got the lesson down and was able to block an attack or counter it back. And there were times where life and I weren't sparring with each other at all, but doing a beautiful dance that accentuated ourselves and own charm. 

When I was younger, I used to think, "You know, I can pretty much take on anything. Things will be OK. I just have to go with the flow." But naturally, as events unfolded and things DID happen, I found myself on my knees, thinking, 'OK. OK. So maybe going with the flow IS a lot harder than I thought. Ouch. This hurts...... OK OK. So... I'm going to go back now where I used to be and hide away." But yet, as wounds healed and lessons were learned, I got back up and tried again. 

Ha. Sorry if all my analogies and metaphors seem rather rough. It's the best way I can use to describe them. And if anyone of you know me well and know some of the events I am referring to, you would just nod your head and think, "Yeah... that was pretty brutal." Many of you watched me as I combatted each event. 

But anyways, I'm now beginning to see myself like a huge piece of raw material. I feel like a solid piece of rock, and like God has been slowly chiseling away at this solid rock and carving it into something else; something useful; something beautiful; something that can be suited to his purposes. Slowly, as life has changed, I've discovered many things about myself. Many things that weren't there before and many things that have now gone away. God's taken the chisel and at times, been merciless with it as he's carved and formed my substance.

When I took ceramics over the summer, I finally understood the whole analogy of "God is like a potter and we are the clay". When you get a piece of clay, you must smash it and push it and prepare it before you can even put it on the wheel. Then, once you do place it on the wheel, it takes great strength and pressure to form the clay into the way you want it to be. You have to use your fingers to push and pull the clay in the direction you want it to go. And many times, the clay resists and just wants to stay the way it is. But yet, as the potter, you push harder and pull harder, until finally it begins to form into the shape you want. I would watch my teacher in amazement, as he seemed to gracefully take the clay and form it into beautiful pieces of art. He made it look effortless, but at the same time, I secretly knew the strength he had in his hands and all the years of experience he had. As I began to try at the wheel and got frustrated with the clay, I thought, "I wonder if this is how God feels about me at times?" I chuckled at the thought and secretly apologized to God for being such a difficult piece of clay to work with.

Maturing and growing up is hard and can be extremely painful. But I can also see it as a natural transformation. I'm not sure what will happen, but I just have to trust God that he is forming into the woman he wants me to be. 

Value Yourself

Have you ever had problems and didn’t know who to talk about them with? Have you ever had problems, and just felt like no one would care if you talked about them? Like it would be some sort of nonsense, or meaningless ramble. Their only reply would be, “I’m sorry” or just a “Well, things will get better.” Or maybe, you don’t want to share because then, people will see how weak you are. They will tell you to not lean on a person, and to stand strong on your own. Or maybe you’re telling yourself that?

I know I do that and everything else stated above often.

The past few weeks, I’ve had conversations with people where they’ve admitted that they have a hard time talking about their problems with others, whether it’s friends or family. Automatically, I resonated with this and began looking inward at myself and how I deal with things.

One person said, “Well, I was taught to just handle everything on my own. To not bother other people. So I don’t really know how to ask for help. Even when people say they care and want to help, I just don’t know how.”

I connected with this person. I have a hard time asking for help. And a lot of it is because I don’t want to bother other people. They would think, “Gosh Hannah, haven’t you gotten over this yet?” or “Haven’t you figured this out yet? You go on and on about it.” I often think, “Who would want to hear about my problem?”

Another friend and I were talking and that person said, “I have a hard time expressing myself. But I want to learn how to do that.”

I connected in this way because I recognize that I have a hard time expressing my negative emotions. I can easily tell someone how great they are or how much I care, but if someone has upset me or hurt my feelings, I freeze up. I don’t know what to say or where to even begin. This is due to many reasons. I think, “They won’t want to hear what I have to say.” Or “I’m just probably being sensitive. I should get over this.” Or “I’ll just handle this on my own. I doubt that person will care enough to really change their behavior or do anything to help fix the pain.”

I then often downplay my emotions. I say “Oh, it’s OK,” when on the inside, I’m screaming and yelling, saying “NO!! THIS SUCKS SO MUCH!!” My small step in this area has been to say “I forgive you” instead of “It’s OK.” Saying “It’s OK” negates that anything bad ever did happen, that any pain was inflicted. But when you say “I forgive you”, you acknowledge that something wrong was done, that pain was there, but you are willing to move on. But even with this small step, I hesitate before I can say “I forgive you”. I’m tempted to say “It’s OK”, because even ‘I forgive you’ sounds like I’m being sensitive. Like I’m making a bigger deal out of something that’s not.

But the thing is, my heart and feelings are a big deal. I, myself, am a big deal. I’m the one that has to deal with them day in and day out. And maybe there are times where I don’t deserve a right to feel a certain way. But the feeling is there and it’s there for a reason. It needs to be acknowledged and dealt with in a healthy manner. The heart is important, and if you ignore it, you’ll take away a part of you that says you are human and you’ll end up trampling on other people’s feelings as well.

You see, in both instances, my head often speaks up and says. “Just get over this. This is the easiest way to handle it.” Logically, it all seems great: I’ll appear to be this chilled-out relax person; people will want to be around me and hang out since I won’t bring up hard conversations or make them uncomfortable; and I won’t challenge them in their actions. I will be this emotionless person that just seems happy all the time.

But would a person like that really be happy all the time? A person who’d experience no downs, no pain, would they even actually know what feeling “happy” would feel like? Would a person who doesn’t push people to grow actually have any genuine friendships? Would the person actually be able to bond with anyone on a deep level?

Because the thing is, ever noticed that after feeling sick or depressed, suddenly, good health and just even contentment feel amazing. But then after time has gone by, you take even your own good mood for granted. And also, when you shared a deep pain or feeling with someone, and they accepted you for your weakness and pain, you suddenly felt way more bonded with them than someone you just shared a laugh with? Your trust with that person rises about 10 times more, for both the sharer and listener.

I feel like this is something God is trying to teach me: to value my own heart and feelings. After my heart took a beating last year, it shut itself off. I didn’t speak up about my own feelings or heart, because it felt like everyone was demanding that I listen to them. I couldn’t get a word in edge wise, with pretty much everyone.

But now, I feel like God has taken me aside and is having me take a step back and a good look at the mirror. He’s been urging me and saying, “Your opinion matters. Your feelings matter. Don’t let anyone trample on them. Don’t let anyone put their value and worth down.” I feel like God has been challenging me to have confidence in myself. To see not only the beauty in my emotions, but in my thinking and in my physical nature. To look at the mirror in the morning and say, “You’re beautiful!” To trust in my own sense of humor and wit, to trust in my own creativity as an artist, and to trust in my own free-spirited self. To find value in my strengths and weaknesses.

It’s hard though, and it’s something I’m still working on.

And the next step will be to trust that people really do care about me and my feelings and want the best for me. That they will be gentle with my heart and emotions. This was something that a conversation between friends brought up. I realized that I didn’t believe people would care about my problems. That people would genuinely sit and listen to me about things I had to say and feel. I’ve told myself this over and over again, and now, I want to try and push past this. I’m not sure how, but I know it’s something I want to try and do.

Here goes nothing.