Value Yourself

Have you ever had problems and didn’t know who to talk about them with? Have you ever had problems, and just felt like no one would care if you talked about them? Like it would be some sort of nonsense, or meaningless ramble. Their only reply would be, “I’m sorry” or just a “Well, things will get better.” Or maybe, you don’t want to share because then, people will see how weak you are. They will tell you to not lean on a person, and to stand strong on your own. Or maybe you’re telling yourself that?

I know I do that and everything else stated above often.

The past few weeks, I’ve had conversations with people where they’ve admitted that they have a hard time talking about their problems with others, whether it’s friends or family. Automatically, I resonated with this and began looking inward at myself and how I deal with things.

One person said, “Well, I was taught to just handle everything on my own. To not bother other people. So I don’t really know how to ask for help. Even when people say they care and want to help, I just don’t know how.”

I connected with this person. I have a hard time asking for help. And a lot of it is because I don’t want to bother other people. They would think, “Gosh Hannah, haven’t you gotten over this yet?” or “Haven’t you figured this out yet? You go on and on about it.” I often think, “Who would want to hear about my problem?”

Another friend and I were talking and that person said, “I have a hard time expressing myself. But I want to learn how to do that.”

I connected in this way because I recognize that I have a hard time expressing my negative emotions. I can easily tell someone how great they are or how much I care, but if someone has upset me or hurt my feelings, I freeze up. I don’t know what to say or where to even begin. This is due to many reasons. I think, “They won’t want to hear what I have to say.” Or “I’m just probably being sensitive. I should get over this.” Or “I’ll just handle this on my own. I doubt that person will care enough to really change their behavior or do anything to help fix the pain.”

I then often downplay my emotions. I say “Oh, it’s OK,” when on the inside, I’m screaming and yelling, saying “NO!! THIS SUCKS SO MUCH!!” My small step in this area has been to say “I forgive you” instead of “It’s OK.” Saying “It’s OK” negates that anything bad ever did happen, that any pain was inflicted. But when you say “I forgive you”, you acknowledge that something wrong was done, that pain was there, but you are willing to move on. But even with this small step, I hesitate before I can say “I forgive you”. I’m tempted to say “It’s OK”, because even ‘I forgive you’ sounds like I’m being sensitive. Like I’m making a bigger deal out of something that’s not.

But the thing is, my heart and feelings are a big deal. I, myself, am a big deal. I’m the one that has to deal with them day in and day out. And maybe there are times where I don’t deserve a right to feel a certain way. But the feeling is there and it’s there for a reason. It needs to be acknowledged and dealt with in a healthy manner. The heart is important, and if you ignore it, you’ll take away a part of you that says you are human and you’ll end up trampling on other people’s feelings as well.

You see, in both instances, my head often speaks up and says. “Just get over this. This is the easiest way to handle it.” Logically, it all seems great: I’ll appear to be this chilled-out relax person; people will want to be around me and hang out since I won’t bring up hard conversations or make them uncomfortable; and I won’t challenge them in their actions. I will be this emotionless person that just seems happy all the time.

But would a person like that really be happy all the time? A person who’d experience no downs, no pain, would they even actually know what feeling “happy” would feel like? Would a person who doesn’t push people to grow actually have any genuine friendships? Would the person actually be able to bond with anyone on a deep level?

Because the thing is, ever noticed that after feeling sick or depressed, suddenly, good health and just even contentment feel amazing. But then after time has gone by, you take even your own good mood for granted. And also, when you shared a deep pain or feeling with someone, and they accepted you for your weakness and pain, you suddenly felt way more bonded with them than someone you just shared a laugh with? Your trust with that person rises about 10 times more, for both the sharer and listener.

I feel like this is something God is trying to teach me: to value my own heart and feelings. After my heart took a beating last year, it shut itself off. I didn’t speak up about my own feelings or heart, because it felt like everyone was demanding that I listen to them. I couldn’t get a word in edge wise, with pretty much everyone.

But now, I feel like God has taken me aside and is having me take a step back and a good look at the mirror. He’s been urging me and saying, “Your opinion matters. Your feelings matter. Don’t let anyone trample on them. Don’t let anyone put their value and worth down.” I feel like God has been challenging me to have confidence in myself. To see not only the beauty in my emotions, but in my thinking and in my physical nature. To look at the mirror in the morning and say, “You’re beautiful!” To trust in my own sense of humor and wit, to trust in my own creativity as an artist, and to trust in my own free-spirited self. To find value in my strengths and weaknesses.

It’s hard though, and it’s something I’m still working on.

And the next step will be to trust that people really do care about me and my feelings and want the best for me. That they will be gentle with my heart and emotions. This was something that a conversation between friends brought up. I realized that I didn’t believe people would care about my problems. That people would genuinely sit and listen to me about things I had to say and feel. I’ve told myself this over and over again, and now, I want to try and push past this. I’m not sure how, but I know it’s something I want to try and do.

Here goes nothing.