Being Selfish in Friendships

Is being selfish with friends really bad?

That’s a question I think I’ve been trying to answer and understand for a while now.

Honestly, my first inclination is to say “Yes. Yes, it is bad to be selfish overall. And yes, it is to be selfish with friends.”

I remember talking last year with a friend and saying, “Is it bad that I get jealous sometimes over my friends? That I don’t want to share them?” The person said, “I don’t think it’s quite bad. I go through that often.” We both discussed how it was only with certain people, individuals we were really close to. And naturally, we both agreed that the jealously could turn into something bad if I tried to be controlling or limiting of that person. But honestly, I don’t want to be controlling of any of my friends. But I noticed that inside my heart, I felt jealousy sometimes and this sense of “I want to be the closest to you. I don’t want others to get too close to you.” And ultimately, I thought, “I want to be the most important person to you.”

At first, I was surprised; I thought, “I shouldn’t think like that. I should just let the person be and let them be happy. How selfish of me to want to be the most important person.”

Yet, I then remembered that God is jealous for us. God is jealous for me. And I have never thought, “Oh God is so selfish.” I have often felt flattered and thought, “That is one of the biggest compliments I have ever received.” I like that God wants me so badly. It feels good to be wanted, to know that my presence matters.

In fact, it’s probably more of an insult if I say to someone, “You can love whoever you want. You can be friends with whoever you want. Just do and say whatever you want.” Why? Because it then states that I don’t care about you or what you do.

This question then came up again as I wanted to have some uncomfortable conversations with friends. Most of it was that something had happened or something was said that upset me a bit. And yet, I thought, “I should just get over this. I don’t want to bother the other person.” Or “They’ll just think I’m being sensitive.” or even,"I'm being selfish for saying this. I should just think of them first." And ultimately, I thought, “I just don’t want to have that conversation.”

Why though?

Well, because by having that conversation, I give power to a person and am saying, “What you say and do effects me. Why? Because I’m invested in you, I spend time with you, and I care about you. You’re important to me. So when you said this, I was hurt. Your words and actions matter, especially to me.” And many times, I’m unsure of how the person will react. I’m taking a jump and seeing if the person will respond with understanding and gentleness, or get defensive. I’m seeing if the person will apologize, or shrug off what I say and walk away.

And while I used to think again, “I’ll just be bothering them with this conversation.” I had to also realize, “Wait a minute. I’m also saying that I greatly care and am invested in this person. I’m saying this person’s presence and words matter to me.” Suddenly, what seemed like a burden also became a compliment.

It is my fault thinking that my own presence doesn’t affect people or what I say doesn’t make a difference. But also, if we don’t step up and have these conversations with people, none of us will grow and mature in realizing that what we do does make a difference and does affect people, especially to our loved ones.