Anxiety Attacks, But There's Hope

There's a pain in my chest. My hand goes to my heart, trying to calm the storm that's about to begin. "No no. Not now. Please."A burning sensation rises in my throat. The world begins to narrow as my mind demands attention and shouts in fear. My breath quickens. "Please go away," I mentally beg. The terrifying claw around my heart begins to squeeze, and the pain in my chest intensifies. Tears begin to well up in my eyes. "No no. I don't want this." I'm scared. The sense of doom on my shoulders gets heavier and heavier. My mind races. Now I have to get out. I have to find a safe place. Thoughts are flying through my mind at 1000 mph, and I can't even focus on what I'm thinking. I close my eyes, trying to calm myself. But bam. I'm hit at full force by the thoughts and emotions that plague me. I open my eyes again, and just stand still. It's too scary to go back in: to face whatever it is that's haunting me. To... face myself. Heart pounding, short burning breaths, intense chest pain and on the verge of tears, I freeze, hoping it, whatever is, will just go away.

"Hannah?"

It's my sister.

"Anxiety again?"

I nod.

"We'll be home soon. Almost done grocery shopping. Want to talk about it?"

I look down at the cart. "Maybe in a bit. I'm not even sure what's wrong."

"That's OK. You don't have to know. You can just talk."

And I'm grateful for someone who will just listen without judgement and validate my emotions.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Anxiety. It differs between people with various symptoms, frequency, and severity. Mine hit me full force when I was 21 and I would continue to battle it daily for the next 2 years. I saw various doctors and tried finding a therapist for a while. Some understood automatically and others dismissed it as a "momentary distress". For a long while, I just ignored it. It never really affected my life directly and I could still do activities; but after one really hard week with bouts of anxiety and depression, I found myself curled up on my bed again in a panic attack, and I came to realize that while I was still living, my quality of life was severely diminishing.

For me, I always imagined myself as this dog tied to a post with a really short chain. It seemed like no matter what I did, something around my chest and neck would squeeze and hurt, and I'd be reeled backwards in pain and fear towards the one spot. Stuck in anxiety, it felt like I couldn't freely live anymore and run towards the dreams I once wanted to. I'd then lie down next to my post, whimpering, trying to figure out how to be free once again.

Now, it's been almost 2 and a half years since my battle with it all began and I can say that now, it's not as prominent of a struggle. I still do battle with anxiety and probably will for the rest of my life. But at least now, I can experience moments full of peace and I cherish each and every one of them. Moments where there isn't a raging storm roaring inside of my body and mind. The first peaceful moment I had experienced was when I was walking home after having cried to a friend. In the walk, I stopped and searched within myself: there was no anxiety, but peace. I closed my eyes and soaked in the moment. The freedom felt amazing. There was nothing gripping at my heart and breathing felt easy. I searched harder and thought, "Is my anxiety really gone?" But soon, the anxiety popped its little head out and waved, letting me know its presence was still there. The moment only lasted for about 10 minutes, but it will always remain in my mind as one of the most peaceful moments of my life. As the years went by, I found other moments of peace popping up: sometimes doing laundry, taking a shower, or eating my food, I'd stop and smile and think, "No anxiety! Yay!"

And while I reflect and rejoice in the progress I have made, I know I am also grateful for my anxiety for many other reasons; many which I have already blogged about on here. And yet, I have been continually reminded of how when God breaks us, His light shines through that much greater. Through my anxiety, I have been humbled. Through my anxiety, I have learned to be more empathetic and understanding. Through my anxiety, I have grown more patient. Through my anxiety, I stopped just looking at a person on the outside, but stepping closer, and working to peak into their souls and understand them that much better. I learned to dig deeper and listen. I have learned to reach out to others and ask for help. And yet, I still have such a long ways to go.

Again, I feel like God is reminding me on how much He shall break us, but in that process, make us shine that much more. I first wrote about it here, where I saw how broken things can turn into something beautiful. And then, I was reminded of another moment, where I heard about God breaking things apart, but using them for his purposes. I wrote about it here, but this was the moment I was reminded of:

"I was on the verge of tears and ready to spill my guts. However, a few minutes later though, her mother came back and began randomly speaking to her daughter about a sermon she heard a few days ago. It was about the woman who broke the jar at Jesus's feet and washed them with the perfume from the jar. The mother then stated, "He said that the jar was broken so that the perfume could leave the jar and be shared with everyone. He then also said that sometimes, God needs to break things in order to use them, so that he can shine through the broken pieces and put them back together even better than before." I was just standing there, almost in tears, wondering, "Is this woman speaking to me? Or is that egotistical of me to think?" I was standing there, feeling as if I was breaking, and I felt like God was saying, "You're supposed to be like this. It'll be OK. Just wait.""

I write now to remind myself and others that there is hope. Things become broken to be used later for a purpose one can not see right now. I will be the first to admit, that in the midsts of all the anxiety and panic attacks, I yelled numerous times with tears in my eyes, "God!! Why me?!?! Please take it away. I'll do anything. Why me??" And yet, as the struggles went on and God helped me to battle through, I can look back and go, "Oh. That's why." I am nowhere near perfect, but I can say that I am moving forward. God has used my brokenness and weakness to shine His light and love people all that much better. And I'm sure He's doing that for you as well.

Choices

"Why can't someone just tell me what to do? Why isn't the right choice so obvious?" is the thought that seems to go through my mind often, especially as I have gotten older. 

As a child, most of the decisions were made for you. You were often told where to go to school, what to wear, what you should eat, and what activities you should do. If you were left to making a decision, it was often of simple matters: What TV show should you watch? What game should I play during recess? Go on the swings, or play on the playground? Should I get chocolate milk or white milk? 

Simple things. Things that, if you chose something, you could easily change it for the next day. Nothing seemed quite so permanent or intimidating. 

My first big decision on my own came when I was about 14 and had to decide what high school to go to. I remember it being a little stressful of a time. I would sit on my floor and pray that God would tell me where to go. I'd flip coins over and over again, saying, "This school on heads, or this school on tails." Eventually, I'd have to do the best 4 out of 7, then the best 5 out of 8, and so on. I talked to my parents and teachers all about it and hear their input and I looked to my friends for where they were going and why. But despite me looking to my elders, friends, a game of chance, destiny, and God, the decision was still left to me. 

Looking back, the decision didn't seem that hard at all. I remember some very key things that happened that led me to my decision. I remember the moment where I decided that I wanted to choose a school that would give me room to breathe and explore other things in life. I was tired of the strictness of private school, the suffocating religious practices, the strain of money it put on my family, and the overwhelming workload. I didn't want to spend some very key years of my life only focusing only on homework and my GPA. I wanted time with my family and family, the ability to explore new hobbies, and adventures. 

Again, in retrospect, that decision didn't seem that hard. I could also be comforted that if ultimately, I didn't like my school choice, I could switch schools. Knowing you can change your mind and your surroundings is a comforting thought.  

But now, the decisions seem a bit more daunting. They involve more time, more dedication, and have more permanence than other areas of my life. To go to grad school or not? If so, where? For what? And it's easy to realize that these next few years could determine what I may or may not do for the rest of my life. Do I really want to do that for the rest of my life? How will that help my future? Do I even want to do this? 

Then other questions arise, creating various images in my head of what my future could look like: Should I marry this person? Should I move to another city? State? To another country? When should I have kids? Do I want kids? Adopt? Give birth? Where should I invest my money? How much money should I save? What should I buy with my money? How much should I tithe? Do I stay at this job? Or do I look for another job? Should I switch careers and pursue something else? Or stick with this one? Should I buy a car? Old? New? What color should it be? What type of car should I buy? What country should I visit? Where do I stay? For how long? 

And the decisions go on and on! 

With each decision comes a new possibility of the future that lies before me. I'm worried of making a wrong choice, scared that the choice will lead me down a road I didn't want to go and that I'll end up regretting my decision.

Making choices on your own is scary. Terrifying. The responsibility and weight of your own life is on your shoulders and no one wants to mess up. 

Yet, I suppose the one thing that is reassuring is that just because I make one choice, and even if it's the worst of them all, things can still change. I'm never stuck. Life is constantly moving and changing. The only thing you're really guaranteed in life is change. And with that, you must learn to give yourself grace and self-acceptance so you can move forward. 

Marriage choices is something that really intimidates me: I don't want to be a couple that gets divorced, so when I get married, I'm planning on it being for life. One of those decisions you can't back out on. As I've seek council and advice in the area of relationships for many years, one piece of advice stands out in my mind that I received from an elder co-worker on the day he was retiring and we were saying good-bye to him. I sat with him at the table in our break room and did just some small chit chat. I think he had been reflecting on his life, because suddenly, he began telling me his story of how he came to Arizona and all the events that unfolded in how he got there. He admitted that his marriage was on the rocks after 25 years and they were on the brink of divorce. He then said to me, "And at that time, I had a good Christian friend who gave me some good advice. I'd go to him over and over again saying how my wife did this or did that and how she'll never change. I was so frustrated with her. And you know what? That man looked me in the eye and said, 'She's not the one that needs to change. It's you. If you change, then she will.' And sure enough, when I began changing, she did too. And our marriage healed and blossomed once again." 

While I took that to heart to remember for my own marriage one day, I think it can apply to all other areas of my life as well. Even if I somehow end up in a situation I don't like, know that even in that moment, I still have a choice: a choice to make the best out of it and change my out look. I have the choice and the ability to change myself, and with the help and grace of God, hopefully, I'll succeed. And maybe that's one of the most important choices to keep in mind: choosing to change yourself in the moment. All else will follow. 

Adventures & Ordinary Days

I'm a dreamer. I have lots of things that I think and dream about that excite and thrill me. And at the same time, I see that I have done some of those more adventures things. I have hiked tall mountains, basking in great landscapes that lay before me. I have scuba dived down into the depths of the oceans, swimming with sea turtles and sting rays. I have grabbed a hammer and nails, and helped build a house on the plains of the Navajo reservation. I have explored and live on the streets on inner-city Chicago, confronting gangs and seeing the effects of racism. I have been on Championship winning softball teams, catching pop flies and running around bases. I have planned high school pranks, sneaking onto school grounds and into classrooms. I have done a lot of pretty cool and crazy things, and yet, I crave more.

I want to run through the fields in Ireland; walk down the streets of Korea; sit down and eat sushi in Japan; hike through Thailand and India; ride a jeep through the plains of Africa; visit Big Ben in London; dance in the streets of Brazil; and see the Northern Lights up in Alaska. And so much more!

And yet, while I have many dreams and adventurous goals, I've come to realize one very key thing:

While all those adventures are fun and good on their own, they wouldn't be nearly as wonderful without people to experience those moments with. It's my loved ones and friends that make those journeys and key times all that much more worth it.

And you know what? I have some very awesome and amazing friends, and lately, as each week goes on, I feel more blessed and supported by them. It's with these friends that have helped me through some darker and more crazier events than what I have listed above.

They have held my hand as I experienced a panic attack; they have hugged me as my heart broke and I cried; they have forced me to eat when my stomach said 'no'; they have prayed for me as I felt weak; they have talked to me, listening and giving advice, when I was lost and needed encouragement; they texted me daily, checking up on me, to see how I was doing when chaos ensued in my life; they made me laugh and smile when I felt like crap; they affirmed me when I was in deep shame; and they are the ones that have picked me back up and inspired me to keep fighting when life has thrown me down. 

These.... these are the people that make all my adventurous dreams seem... dull. Dull without them. And they make all my accomplishments that much brighter. Brighter because I have someone else to share in the joy with. 

You see, all the tall mountains I hiked was usually with a dear friend where we had great conversations. I scuba dived with friends who shared towels with me as we got back on the boat and were freezing from the cold water. I held a hammer along with 50 other people, making new friends that would open my world. The city of Chicago wasn't as scary with my teammates by my side. Softball wouldn't have been as fun if I didn't have friends to laugh and joke around with. And a high school prank definitely wouldn't have been as fun without my partners in crime to make it all possible and reminisce about the adventure for years to come.

Again, I can't seem to fully explain how much my family and friends have enriched my life. The older I get, the more and more I seem to realize how much they enhance my life and give it meaning. And while I still want to achieve my "dreams" and go on adventures, I also recognize that maybe those adventures aren't all they crack up to be. At least, not without people by my side.

With that said, I have begun to value my "ordinary days". Those days that are filled with my 8-5 job, where I work to love my co-workers, doing silly things with them, baking food on their birthdays, and trying to go deeper in our daily conversations. Those ordinary days that are filled with coffee shop visits in the afternoon, pouring our souls out over a cup of tea, encouraging one another to keep going. Those times where conversations on the couch go on for hours between friends, as we giggle over silly events and laugh over youtube videos. Those nights where my sister and I curl up on her bed with a bowl of ice cream and watch a movie to take a break from the crazy world. Those days where a simple text message, saying "I love you" makes everything seem that much brighter. These are the days that I will value and cherish. These are the moments I have begun living for. I still want adventures and will continue to pursue my dreams. And I encourage all people to do so. But, for me, these "ordinary days" are the things that truly make life extraordinary.