There's a pain in my chest. My hand goes to my heart, trying to calm the storm that's about to begin. "No no. Not now. Please."A burning sensation rises in my throat. The world begins to narrow as my mind demands attention and shouts in fear. My breath quickens. "Please go away," I mentally beg. The terrifying claw around my heart begins to squeeze, and the pain in my chest intensifies. Tears begin to well up in my eyes. "No no. I don't want this." I'm scared. The sense of doom on my shoulders gets heavier and heavier. My mind races. Now I have to get out. I have to find a safe place. Thoughts are flying through my mind at 1000 mph, and I can't even focus on what I'm thinking. I close my eyes, trying to calm myself. But bam. I'm hit at full force by the thoughts and emotions that plague me. I open my eyes again, and just stand still. It's too scary to go back in: to face whatever it is that's haunting me. To... face myself. Heart pounding, short burning breaths, intense chest pain and on the verge of tears, I freeze, hoping it, whatever is, will just go away.
"Hannah?"
It's my sister.
"Anxiety again?"
I nod.
"We'll be home soon. Almost done grocery shopping. Want to talk about it?"
I look down at the cart. "Maybe in a bit. I'm not even sure what's wrong."
"That's OK. You don't have to know. You can just talk."
And I'm grateful for someone who will just listen without judgement and validate my emotions.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Anxiety. It differs between people with various symptoms, frequency, and severity. Mine hit me full force when I was 21 and I would continue to battle it daily for the next 2 years. I saw various doctors and tried finding a therapist for a while. Some understood automatically and others dismissed it as a "momentary distress". For a long while, I just ignored it. It never really affected my life directly and I could still do activities; but after one really hard week with bouts of anxiety and depression, I found myself curled up on my bed again in a panic attack, and I came to realize that while I was still living, my quality of life was severely diminishing.
For me, I always imagined myself as this dog tied to a post with a really short chain. It seemed like no matter what I did, something around my chest and neck would squeeze and hurt, and I'd be reeled backwards in pain and fear towards the one spot. Stuck in anxiety, it felt like I couldn't freely live anymore and run towards the dreams I once wanted to. I'd then lie down next to my post, whimpering, trying to figure out how to be free once again.
Now, it's been almost 2 and a half years since my battle with it all began and I can say that now, it's not as prominent of a struggle. I still do battle with anxiety and probably will for the rest of my life. But at least now, I can experience moments full of peace and I cherish each and every one of them. Moments where there isn't a raging storm roaring inside of my body and mind. The first peaceful moment I had experienced was when I was walking home after having cried to a friend. In the walk, I stopped and searched within myself: there was no anxiety, but peace. I closed my eyes and soaked in the moment. The freedom felt amazing. There was nothing gripping at my heart and breathing felt easy. I searched harder and thought, "Is my anxiety really gone?" But soon, the anxiety popped its little head out and waved, letting me know its presence was still there. The moment only lasted for about 10 minutes, but it will always remain in my mind as one of the most peaceful moments of my life. As the years went by, I found other moments of peace popping up: sometimes doing laundry, taking a shower, or eating my food, I'd stop and smile and think, "No anxiety! Yay!"
And while I reflect and rejoice in the progress I have made, I know I am also grateful for my anxiety for many other reasons; many which I have already blogged about on here. And yet, I have been continually reminded of how when God breaks us, His light shines through that much greater. Through my anxiety, I have been humbled. Through my anxiety, I have learned to be more empathetic and understanding. Through my anxiety, I have grown more patient. Through my anxiety, I stopped just looking at a person on the outside, but stepping closer, and working to peak into their souls and understand them that much better. I learned to dig deeper and listen. I have learned to reach out to others and ask for help. And yet, I still have such a long ways to go.
Again, I feel like God is reminding me on how much He shall break us, but in that process, make us shine that much more. I first wrote about it here, where I saw how broken things can turn into something beautiful. And then, I was reminded of another moment, where I heard about God breaking things apart, but using them for his purposes. I wrote about it here, but this was the moment I was reminded of:
"I was on the verge of tears and ready to spill my guts. However, a few minutes later though, her mother came back and began randomly speaking to her daughter about a sermon she heard a few days ago. It was about the woman who broke the jar at Jesus's feet and washed them with the perfume from the jar. The mother then stated, "He said that the jar was broken so that the perfume could leave the jar and be shared with everyone. He then also said that sometimes, God needs to break things in order to use them, so that he can shine through the broken pieces and put them back together even better than before." I was just standing there, almost in tears, wondering, "Is this woman speaking to me? Or is that egotistical of me to think?" I was standing there, feeling as if I was breaking, and I felt like God was saying, "You're supposed to be like this. It'll be OK. Just wait.""
I write now to remind myself and others that there is hope. Things become broken to be used later for a purpose one can not see right now. I will be the first to admit, that in the midsts of all the anxiety and panic attacks, I yelled numerous times with tears in my eyes, "God!! Why me?!?! Please take it away. I'll do anything. Why me??" And yet, as the struggles went on and God helped me to battle through, I can look back and go, "Oh. That's why." I am nowhere near perfect, but I can say that I am moving forward. God has used my brokenness and weakness to shine His light and love people all that much better. And I'm sure He's doing that for you as well.
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