As a child, most of the decisions were made for you. You were often told where to go to school, what to wear, what you should eat, and what activities you should do. If you were left to making a decision, it was often of simple matters: What TV show should you watch? What game should I play during recess? Go on the swings, or play on the playground? Should I get chocolate milk or white milk?
Simple things. Things that, if you chose something, you could easily change it for the next day. Nothing seemed quite so permanent or intimidating.
My first big decision on my own came when I was about 14 and had to decide what high school to go to. I remember it being a little stressful of a time. I would sit on my floor and pray that God would tell me where to go. I'd flip coins over and over again, saying, "This school on heads, or this school on tails." Eventually, I'd have to do the best 4 out of 7, then the best 5 out of 8, and so on. I talked to my parents and teachers all about it and hear their input and I looked to my friends for where they were going and why. But despite me looking to my elders, friends, a game of chance, destiny, and God, the decision was still left to me.
Looking back, the decision didn't seem that hard at all. I remember some very key things that happened that led me to my decision. I remember the moment where I decided that I wanted to choose a school that would give me room to breathe and explore other things in life. I was tired of the strictness of private school, the suffocating religious practices, the strain of money it put on my family, and the overwhelming workload. I didn't want to spend some very key years of my life only focusing only on homework and my GPA. I wanted time with my family and family, the ability to explore new hobbies, and adventures.
Again, in retrospect, that decision didn't seem that hard. I could also be comforted that if ultimately, I didn't like my school choice, I could switch schools. Knowing you can change your mind and your surroundings is a comforting thought.
But now, the decisions seem a bit more daunting. They involve more time, more dedication, and have more permanence than other areas of my life. To go to grad school or not? If so, where? For what? And it's easy to realize that these next few years could determine what I may or may not do for the rest of my life. Do I really want to do that for the rest of my life? How will that help my future? Do I even want to do this?
Then other questions arise, creating various images in my head of what my future could look like: Should I marry this person? Should I move to another city? State? To another country? When should I have kids? Do I want kids? Adopt? Give birth? Where should I invest my money? How much money should I save? What should I buy with my money? How much should I tithe? Do I stay at this job? Or do I look for another job? Should I switch careers and pursue something else? Or stick with this one? Should I buy a car? Old? New? What color should it be? What type of car should I buy? What country should I visit? Where do I stay? For how long?
And the decisions go on and on!
With each decision comes a new possibility of the future that lies before me. I'm worried of making a wrong choice, scared that the choice will lead me down a road I didn't want to go and that I'll end up regretting my decision.
Making choices on your own is scary. Terrifying. The responsibility and weight of your own life is on your shoulders and no one wants to mess up.
Yet, I suppose the one thing that is reassuring is that just because I make one choice, and even if it's the worst of them all, things can still change. I'm never stuck. Life is constantly moving and changing. The only thing you're really guaranteed in life is change. And with that, you must learn to give yourself grace and self-acceptance so you can move forward.
Marriage choices is something that really intimidates me: I don't want to be a couple that gets divorced, so when I get married, I'm planning on it being for life. One of those decisions you can't back out on. As I've seek council and advice in the area of relationships for many years, one piece of advice stands out in my mind that I received from an elder co-worker on the day he was retiring and we were saying good-bye to him. I sat with him at the table in our break room and did just some small chit chat. I think he had been reflecting on his life, because suddenly, he began telling me his story of how he came to Arizona and all the events that unfolded in how he got there. He admitted that his marriage was on the rocks after 25 years and they were on the brink of divorce. He then said to me, "And at that time, I had a good Christian friend who gave me some good advice. I'd go to him over and over again saying how my wife did this or did that and how she'll never change. I was so frustrated with her. And you know what? That man looked me in the eye and said, 'She's not the one that needs to change. It's you. If you change, then she will.' And sure enough, when I began changing, she did too. And our marriage healed and blossomed once again."
While I took that to heart to remember for my own marriage one day, I think it can apply to all other areas of my life as well. Even if I somehow end up in a situation I don't like, know that even in that moment, I still have a choice: a choice to make the best out of it and change my out look. I have the choice and the ability to change myself, and with the help and grace of God, hopefully, I'll succeed. And maybe that's one of the most important choices to keep in mind: choosing to change yourself in the moment. All else will follow.
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