Lately, there's just been too much to write about, yet not enough time to write down all my thoughts. I have several drafts of posts that I thought, "I could post this", but I never finished them. They all seem to have a similar theme, but at the same time, are separate on their own. But when I think about it, it all seems to come down to this realization:
My heart is tired and weary. My heart is full of fear and pride. My heart yearns to love and to sin. My heart judges and demands no judgement. My heart clings and pushes away. My heart is just a mess.
And my heart is incredibly hard to change.
I don't want my heart to be tired, I want it to jump for joy and run at full speed. I don't want my heart to have fear, I want it to feel confident in leaping over obstacles. I don't want to be prideful, but be able to walk humbly in life. I don't want to sin, or hurt people or judge them or push them away. I want to love them and to bring out the best in them.
And for some reason, I don't seem to be certain of anything. I think that stems for the tiredness and weakness. It makes you think, "Is this really right? Is this really what I wanted?" That questions has come up a few times this semester with my faith with God. After I have failed in so many areas, I look up with tears in my eyes and going, "Is this the life I chose? I don't know if I want this anymore. What if I step away? Will things get easier? It's so hard to follow you God."
It really isn't easy to follow God. People, even my own family, at times look at me like I'm crazy or odd. I've been accused of condemning people and looked at as foolish. I'm called to forgive where I want to be angry and bitter. I'm called to love when I'm tired and worn out. I try to encourage and push others in their walks with God, and they don't listen and just fall away. They say, "That's great for you Hannah, but I don't want to take it farther. I'm comfortable where I'm at." I get disappointed and my heart grows tired. People then continue to push me and I keep running, but I feel like I can barely breathe.
Yet, I keep running, and I turn to God and say, "You're worth it. No matter what happens, I will follow you. It may be hard, but that won't stop me. I'll keep going."
It is then though that I get attacked in other ways. A voice then comes in, "But you doubted! The other people don't doubt. They don't waver like you. How dare you waver?! You shouldn't call yourself a follower of God, let alone a leader. You better get your doctrine right and be unmovable before you go forward." It's hard for me to combat that lie. At first, I tend to often believe it, comparing myself to others and thinking, "They don't doubt like I do. Something must be wrong with me. I shouldn't call myself a Christian."
I once heard that "Guilt is from the devil, and conviction is from God." And what I was feeling there was guilt. Guilt that I couldn't be stronger in my faith in God. Guilt that I wavered even for a bit and actually considered not following God. Guilt often feels likes you're drowning in endless thoughts and doubts, and just can't get out. Conviction often moves you to do something about it and tends to come with a sense of peace.
I would feel guilt about all sorts of things. Horrible thoughts and feelings toward people. My lack of knowledge. My lack of motivation. My judgement on them and lack of love and understanding.
With that, I had to remember that Jesus died on the cross. At times, I don't fully understand it, and then there are times where I think I begin to understand what really happened that day.
You see, yes I will doubt and reach my limit. Yes, I will make mistakes. And yes, I may become unloveable at times. But on that day, Jesus not only defeated death and sin, he defeated guilt, he defeated fear, he defeated every law that defines a "good person". It's because of his death that I don't have to walk around with guilt or fear of how I screw up. There's a God so much bigger than me that is in control.
And the most amazing and crazy thing about this God is that He KNOWS how horrible we are. He knows our hearts better than anyone. I read Psalm 139 (one of my favorite psalms), which talks about how well God knows us and how He's with us all the time. He knows our weaknesses and strengths, our fears and hopes, our victories and losses, our good jokes and bad jokes. And yet, He says over and over again, "You are totally worth saving and I want to be with you for eternity."
It is then that a love that defeats EVERYTHING is born. When you realize someone loves you more than anyone could ever love you or you could ever love yourself, you want to spread that love to others. You don't want to condemn your unbelieving brother, but hug him. You don't want to yell at people and accuse them of their crimes, but whisper gently about a savior that came two thousands years ago and said, "You're forgiven". It's a love that will stand up for the oppressed and reach out to the unwanted. It's a love that will fast from food for a day so that someone else can have a meal. It's a love that will be yelled at and spit in the face as it tries to love you and speak truth to you. It's a love that will be whipped, beaten and bruised so that you can have hope. It's a love that will wear a crown of thorns and carry a cross up a hill to be humiliated so that you can stand before God and say, "I want to be with you". It's a love that dies and rises again so that you do not have to fear death and can have a hope for life. It's a love that takes EVERYTHING YOU HAVE EVER DONE and says "I will bear it all so that we can be together."
1 John 4:16 says "God is love" and then in verse 19 says "We love because he first loved us." I really love that verse in the Bible. Go read 1 John 4/
And this love is constantly waiting to be with us. Day in and day out, we turn our backs on it and walk away, yet he waits for us. God knows that we will doubt and fail in so many ways. In Hebrews 12 and James 1, it talks about how God disciplines us and works to perfect our faith. He stands by our side as we doubt and are tempted and hangs onto us. He will not let go for he is faithful. He is God.
That's where I need to start drawing my strength from. I will get beaten down and down again, doubt and fear, but there is something so much bigger than me that calls to me. I am a human and he is God. He is where I will rest and take refuge. He is where I will draw my worth and strength from and while it will get difficult, I have to trust that He will not let go. I'm in the palm of his hands my future is with him.
