I Considered Not Being a Christian Anymore

Hi Friends,

So today, I'm going personal. I'm going personal to a level beyond normal. I normally like to go deep, but I feel as if I need to share what has been going on inside me. The raw and realness of it. I won't give you metaphors or allude to it. I will tell you straight out.

I've been thinking of going back on my faith. To not being a Christian.

Before you freak out, hear me out.

For most of you, you've known what I've been dealing with the past year and half. 2011 was horrible and 2012 has been full of recovering and intense healing from the events in 2011. I developed an anxiety disorder, where I'd have mild panic attacks daily and more intense ones from time to time; and my emotions were either numb or all over the place. I held it in for the most part, going about my daily business. People close to me did witness my emotions and outbursts. I couldn't hide it from them and I don't think they would let me. Thank you guys.

At the end of 2011, I was seriously believing that I didn't want to be a graphic designer, photographer or anything to do with art. I was tired of it all. I'd go to critique in class and do my best to keep my composure as my chest would tighten, my throat would burn, and my thoughts were going rampant. I was fed up with having to perform and create, day in and day out. I felt great relief when someone said, "Hannah, you don't have to become a graphic designer". It was suddenly like "Whew."

I decided to apply to a ministry gig (internship). I thought that God may want me there and didn't want to pass up the opportunity to at least try for it.

However, I had struggles with that. I was afraid that people were thinking that I wasn't cut out for the job. God got mad at me once and yelled, "WHY DO YOU CARE WHAT THEY THINK!!? DOES IT NOT MATTER THAT I ASKED YOU TO APPLY?? I AM GOD!!" It hurt, but it was good. It cut off an anxiety attack that was just about to rise up. God saw that my thoughts were in a downward spiral and stopped them pretty quick with that firm reprimand.

I didn't get the job though. I don't think I even got an interview.

It hurt. It definitely did. It led me to question many things about myself and my faith. I talked with others and they did their best to encourage me and bring up my spirits. But it still hurt.

In the meantime, I had begun going to therapy. I was finally getting some help for my dreaded anxiety. I was facing issues and getting the resources on how to do it. It was insanely hard though. It often felt like I would take two steps forward and three steps back. At first, I wasn't sure it was even helping, but I could see small improvements that encouraged me to go.

One of the first major signs was with my artwork:

You must understand: creating artwork is very connected to a person's spirit. And whether I would like to admit it or not, I've been drawing and creating art since I was very young. I have specific memories to teaching myself how to draw and color and getting super excited about it. I'd always get stoked when a camera was placed in my hand and fiddle with it. I found free imitations of photoshop and began teaching myself things. I've always been making art. I never really give much thought to it because it just happens. It's natural for me. It feels necessary for me most of the times. It's how I understand the world and myself.

Back to the story though:

In therapy at one point, my therapist pointed out that I could never be a perfectionist when it came to artwork. She said, "Well, just view it as if you make a mistake, then you learned and you can do better next time." I was in the midst of my senior design thesis project at this point, constantly beating myself up for how crappy it was. One night though, as I was working, I remembered her words and had to repeatedly tell myself, "It's OK if it's not perfect. There will be good pieces and bad pieces. But each one, you learn something new. I can make a bad project, but make a better one later. I will learn." It was hard to instill this to myself, but I saw the more I said it, the lower my anxiety went. Soon, I was enjoying the project and creativity was flowing. I had all sorts of ideas and could try out tons of different things.

Suddenly, a door that had been shut for a very long time opened up, and out flowed many wonderful things. I rediscovered my creativity.

I was still unsure of what I wanted to do for a job though. I applied for one graphic design position, not even sure if I wanted the job. After the interview, I was first tempted to have anxiety over it. They wanted so much and I thought that I surely could not meet their requirements. But I then turned the thought around and said, "But... I could also learn a lot. I could try out so many things. I could make all sorts of things." And suddenly, excitement was instilled in me and I was darn sure I would get the job.

Then, someone else got the job.

I had to shrug and take it as I went. I was trusting that God would somehow take care of me and just thought, "Well, must be something else then." My mom even said to me, "Must not be your train honey. Don't try running after a train that isn't yours." We discussed how often life leads us to where we need to go and that I will be OK.

One week later, the girl turned down the offer and they offered me the job. Just days before I graduated college.

I. Was. Stoked.

I could go on and on about it, but long story short, I am now a full time graphic designer and I love it. I'm also working on becoming a photographer too and I just get excited thinking about that! I'm diving more and more into design and photography as I go. At first, I was pretty anxiety driven, scared of failing or that I was somehow doing things wrong. But my creativity began flowing and I kept having to give myself peps talks (or calling other designers and them giving me peps talks. haha.) and I began to feel passionate about my artwork again.

Now you're probably wondering how my faith and being a Christian has anything to do with this, right?

Well, I realized how much my struggle with art seems similar to my struggle with my faith. They aren't completely the same, but they do share similarities.

You see, when it comes to my faith, there's so much judgement I feel. I can see that I have many past hurts in regards to my own spirituality that I never faced up to; and now, I am scarred and easily believing in lies. I compare myself to others constantly and often feel so different from any Christian I meet. They always seem so strong and confident, and I often feel like I'm wavering in the wind. And well, there's a Christian culture that I'm not quite sure that I'll get used to. People use words like "sanctification", "prayer warriors", "put your sins down at the cross" and so much more, that I'm just either very confused or turned off. (Am I the only that feels this way about "Christianese"??? lol)

People constantly turn to ministers, pastors, and religious leadership for advice and it often feels like that if you're not in that position, you can't help someone out spiritually. I don't know the Bible like the back of my hand and prayer doesn't necessarily come easily to me (especially praying out loud). So I often felt.... not important or that I was doing something wrong, despite being in a leadership position myself for many years.

I know we all struggle with this on some level, but my struggle went pretty deep and came out with physical reactions in my body. I'd go to a Christian camp, and just have anxiety from the moment I'd wake up in the morning, to the very moment I'd close my eyes to sleep. Opening the Bible felt painful, with an anxiety attack in full gear, and I did my best to not run out of the room. Even by myself, opening the Bible felt like I was facing a terrifying tiger, ready to claw out my soul and tear at my heart.  Listening to sermons would aways somehow bring out the tightness in my chest, and a burning in my throat. Again, I wanted to run. During worship, I did my best to reach out to God, but always felt held back. Every time though, I told God, "I'm going to keep trying. I'm going to keep pushing and going. I won't give up. I want a relationship with you."

And yes, there were many times where I was like, "God, it's so hard. Please. Please. I don't know if I want to do this anymore." But I kept going.

My other main struggle is this: I don't really want to evangelize. I'm not passionate about it. I can see that I've mainly done it because I felt like I had to and that... "it's what a good Christian does". It's what I HAVE to do in order to be a good Christian.

But I go to work, and I don't even think about telling them about Jesus. I don't think about sharing my faith and more often than not, I don't really think I want to.

Yes. I'm admitting that.

And that has been one of my biggest struggles this past year. It's what I've been basing most of my decision on, "Am I really committing to Jesus? Am I really being a Christian? Or just acting like it?" And as my focus has been switching from ministry to art, I begin to question even more and am like, "I'm not focusing on God 100%. I'm enjoying art and diving more into that. My calling feels like it is design and art, but surely, that's not very Christian of me."

It's crazy, but as I'm typing this, I'm beginning to cry.

I cry because I realize how damaging all these lies are.

It's so sad, because I've begun to realize, that the more I dive into art, the more I fall in love with God. The more I'm astounded with the beauty around me and just want to sit in awe. I find God so creative and wonderful and my soul resonates in a way I've never known before. I smile ear from ear, not stepping back in pure panic like I used to.

I go to work and want to love on my co-workers around me. I want to be silly with them and make them smile. I bring them baked goods, trying to create a more homey and friendly atmosphere. I feel called to love them just as they are and bring out the best in them. Some even have very weird hobbies, but somehow, they come to me, talking about their interests and showing me all sorts of things. I love making people's ideas and dreams come true, taking what they want and making it become a reality because I have the talent and know-how. I love making people look cool and beautiful in photos. I enjoy even taking products shots of things people have made and giving it back to them so that they can look in awe and go, "Wow. I made that." And I can reply, "Yes you did. you did all the work. I only make it look good and give you the resources to share it with the world." I am totally passionate about that.

And the thing is, when I go past all the lies and dig in very very deep, I find God there, quietly waiting in my soul. Jesus sits there and I run to him and it's there that I feel so loved and free. After being present with him, I feel like I then go out and love the world, both physically, spiritually, and emotionally.

Haha. That's the funny thing. I have considered going back on my faith and not calling myself a "Christian", but when I dig into my own very fibers, there's Jesus, a very critical part of me. I can see that it's not that I don't want to be a Christian. It's just that I constantly judge myself and tell myself I'm not on the right path. I tell myself that I am so different from everyone else and surely, I do not belong in the church or any sort of group. I compare myself to others and think "I am not like them. So I must be wrong." I believe in lies fed to me and then want to turn away from God. I think, "God I'm not going the right way. Surely, I am not suited for you." And God sighs and just sits there, until I turn around and realize there's no turning away. He wills always be there, with me, no matter where I go. That's the one thing I do have though: my faith. I don't think my faith in God will ever leave me (so long as God desires), and I will never doubt his presence.

In all this process, I tried reading a book that was more on the spiritual end than the Christian theological end. I barely got 20 pages in and wanted to throw it away. It felt wrong and I just felt disgusted. I didn't want spiritual or philosophical stuff, I wanted the raw love of God. The raw love of God that I experience in Christianity.

So yes, I'm going to say it again. I thought about not calling myself a Christian. I thought about turning away and doing things... differently? But the reality is, I see now that it's been mostly myself judging me and my actions. I put my own judgement above God's. I aim to people please, which is more like worshipping people than God. It's similar with my struggle with art, in that, when I stop judging myself, comparing myself, and believing the lies, suddenly, a flow gate is opened up and out pours love. Outpours a peace and joy that I can only experience from the ultimate source: God.

I share this struggle because I feel like I must not be the only one who feels this way. Who feels judgement from the church, the lack of encouragement in their faith in regards to more secular callings, and the constant comparison game we all like to play. Yes, the church has failed us (and it has failed me), but God hasn't. And I don't want other people, no matter who they are, getting in the way of my relationship with God and who he's calling me to be.

If you want to pray for me, please do. I'm only beginning this journey in regards to my faith and battling the lies. It will take a lot of effort, but I know God can get me through. Thank you.