Loneliness & Love

What does it mean to be loved?

That's a question that's been on my mind for quite some time.

Since I graduated college, I've been spending much more time alone. It's been weird as I come home to an empty apartment and begin to figure out what I want to do for the evening. Sometimes, I rejoice in the solitary, happy that it's just me and that I get to do whatever I want in the moment. But other times, it gets quite saddening. You would like to talk to someone about your day, yet no one is around. You put a movie on and laugh and giggle at the funny parts, but yet, hearing your own laughter by itself seems odd and not quite what it should be. You lay your head on your pillow in your silent apartment, and right before you close your eyes, you stare out into the darkness, wishing you had someone to say 'Good night' to.

These are the moments I have. Like I said, I tend to go back and forth, happy for some chance to be by myself, and yet, still wishing someone was present. It happens to the best of us. And I also hear that this is quite common after college; that as a working adult, hanging out with people becomes quite harder as you go. So I'm adjusting from the crazy college life of constantly being with friends and others, to the calmer, more separated work life, where being adult is a bit harder.

But there's something else that seems to affect my loneliness. Something that makes the loneliness more saddening and harder to bare: this idea that as I sit here alone, it is because no one needs me; no one wants me. I'm being forgotten. I am unimportant.

If people really loved me, someone would be here, right?

It is these emotions and thoughts that have led me to have discussions with many of my friends. I confess that I have been lonely and they automatically apologize and offer up their services for companionship and comfort. I smile and assure them I'm fine. But it is through these discussions that I've begun to wrestle with my own thoughts and emotions, working to put down the lies and to understand 'love' all that much better. It didn't begin until someone called me out on it and said, "Just because you aren't needed Hannah, doesn't mean you aren't loved." And then I cried.

I can easily see that this idea of "wanting to be needed" fits into a very natural human desire to be important and desired. Many of us dream of making our mark on the world, changing lives for the better, and getting our names somewhere out in history. We want to know that we were useful somehow on this planet and made a difference. If people need us, we then are important. Our existence matters.

Yet as one human dies, life moves on. The earth continues to rotate, new people are born, discoveries are made, adventures have begun, inventions are created and yet, the quiet wind of a life leaving its humanly body passes by without a person noticing, except for a select few. So... are we really, needed?

I guess I will stop philosophizing, and get right to the answer "Yes we are needed, but no, we're not." Humans need other humans. When a baby is born, is has a need for human connection: to be held, to be touched. Otherwise, it dies. It leaves the constant connection of its mother and enters into the outside world by itself, and yet, the child screams to be held and needs to know it is not alone. It needs to know that it is loved.

And I guess as I sit here, I realize that I do need others to love me. I need others to show me that thing so-called "love", for they are the vessels in which I receive a wonderful message: that I am valued and love. Ultimately, I am valued and loved by God. And yet, one of the greatest ways to understand God's love is through another human being and experience it. The sad thing is, the kind gestures and actions humans do to one another to show love is just a mere shadow of an image of what the real thing is. God's love is vast and amazing, that we only have the capability of displaying a small ounce of what the real thing actually is. A mere smell of a piece of fruit that leads to an everlasting garden. We catch a whiff and we want more.

And yet, we can never be fully filled by another human's love. Again, it's the mere smell to the feast we truly desire. And I think that's something I can see as I sit in my loneliness: an understanding that no one else can truly "complete me". I often feel fine on my own, sitting in my own thoughts and day dreaming, understanding that I especially need to love myself. I need to believe that I am loved and valued. Otherwise, it will be impossible for me to truly love others, and to accept their love in return.

I need to believe that as I sit in my apartment, that my friends and family have me in their hearts, in the back of their minds, as we are apart from one another. I need to believe that they do think of me and value my life, not for what I can do for them, but for my mere presence. That even though they may not "need me" in this time of their life, that their love for me is still present.

It's sad, but somewhat funny, that I realize I often tell myself "others don't love me" to protect myself. I've been hurt before, like many of us have, and have not been loved like I should have been. And so, I tell myself, "That is not possible. You can not love me. If you really loved me...." and then fill in the blank to a rude and impossible demand. It's easy to keep people out that way. It's easy to keep God out that way.

Yet, when you do that, you then sit in a utter depression, certain that no one could care about you nor love you. You spiral down, pushing more and more people out, so you can be safe. And yet, you are just slowly killing yourself, starving yourself from the one thing you need.

So you have to stop, and tell yourself that you are loved. You have to replay those instance where someone, whether a parent, sibling, friend, or spouse said, "I love you". You have to hang onto those moments for dear life, because evil thoughts will try to tear them away and rip your value down to shreds. When someone speaks those words to you, you have to open your ears and your heart and let them sink in. Sink in and settle into your heart, and let it become a part of you, so that you can maybe, one day, also let those words spew out from your mouth as well. Love spreads. It's contagious.

But first, you must listen. First, you must open up your ears and heart, so that you can hear the silent words that are being spoken: "I love you" and believe it. Don't throw it out. Don't shut it down. Let it float into your heart and plant a seed. Hang onto that hope that you are loved and see where it takes you.

Let your eyes be opened to the constant message that there is Someone out there, loving you, surrounding you with Their Presence. And then, let that seed grow. You'll be in a garden soon enough.