I'm a perfectionist. I've known this since I was young, but the past year or so, I've begun to see how being a perfectionist can make life very hard to enjoy and make things difficult for myself.
You see, being a perfectionist often comes with being very hard on yourself. For me, even when I screw up the tiniest bit, I'm secretly yelling at myself in my head and making sure I don't repeat the same mistake again. This is one reason why I have a hard time taking criticism from others. Someone will criticize me and all I think is, "Don't you think I already know that? I've been beating myself up for the past hour for that. I don't need YOU to tell me how horrible I am as well." When you're already beating yourself up, the last thing you want is someone to join in on the fight, even if their intentions are good.
I'm a perfectionist in pretty much all walks of life, from grades, to friendships, to God. I put a lot of pressure on myself to make sure everyone is happy and that things are running smoothly. If I somehow mess up, then I have just utterly failed and should be ashamed. I then become a terrible person. Or sometimes, I was just trying to be perfect to hide the terrible person I believe I am.
This.... is a bunch of bull.
I was talking to a dear friend about my struggles and she could relate. She said to me, "I often have to pray 'God, teach me to love myself'. It's hard, but important to learn."
Wow.
I've prayed "God, help me to love this person. God, help me to love this cause. God... help me to care about everything else..." but... myself.
You see, I ask for God's love, grace, forgiveness, and mercy all the time. But I rarely accept it because I won't love or forgive myself. I put my own standards above God and make myself God because I refuse to accept his love and mercy.
In the Bible, it does say "Love our neighbor as yourself". Well, if you don't love yourself, you won't love your neighbor very well either.
What does it mean to love yourself anyways? I think it depends on the person.
For me, it means I have to understand that I won't ever be the perfect employee, the perfection friend, the perfect wife, or have a perfect marriage. I don't and won't have a perfect family. I won't have the perfect answer or the perfect question. I won't have perfect timing. I won't have perfect control. I don't have the perfect body or perfect face. I won't create the perfect art piece. I can't be the perfect Christian.
It also means I have to tell myself how beautiful I am. I have to take care of myself. I have to learn to tell people how I feel and what I want. And I also have to cut myself slack and forgive myself.
It means that I will fail people. I will disappoint others. I will make my loved ones mad. I will bother people. I will come across as clingy and disorganized. Or sometimes too distant and organized. I will say the wrong things and fall on my face.
But that just means I have to forgive myself and learn to accept forgiveness and love from others. Only then, can I truly learn to love others and forgive them as well. I'm not trying to put myself above others, only equal. Learning to respect myself, so I can respect others well and know what it is like to treat another human being well.
So I'm going to work on being perfectly imperfect. :) I will learn to love my imperfect self, just like the way God does. That way, I can hopefully cultivate that love and pour it out to others as well.
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