My Messy Heart

Lately, there's just been too much to write about, yet not enough time to write down all my thoughts. I have several drafts of posts that I thought, "I could post this", but I never finished them. They all seem to have a similar theme, but at the same time, are separate on their own. But when I think about it, it all seems to come down to this realization:

My heart is tired and weary. My heart is full of fear and pride. My heart yearns to love and to sin. My heart judges and demands no judgement. My heart clings and pushes away. My heart is just a mess.

And my heart is incredibly hard to change.

I don't want my heart to be tired, I want it to jump for joy and run at full speed. I don't want my heart to have fear, I want it to feel confident in leaping over obstacles. I don't want to be prideful, but be able to walk humbly in life. I don't want to sin, or hurt people or judge them or push them away. I want to love them and to bring out the best in them.

And for some reason, I don't seem to be certain of anything. I think that stems for the tiredness and weakness. It makes you think, "Is this really right? Is this really what I wanted?" That questions has come up a few times this semester with my faith with God. After I have failed in so many areas, I look up with tears in my eyes and going, "Is this the life I chose? I don't know if I want this anymore. What if I step away? Will things get easier? It's so hard to follow you God."

It really isn't easy to follow God. People, even my own family, at times look at me like I'm crazy or odd. I've been accused of condemning people and looked at as foolish. I'm called to forgive where I want to be angry and bitter. I'm called to love when I'm tired and worn out. I try to encourage and push others in their walks with God, and they don't listen and just fall away. They say, "That's great for you Hannah, but I don't want to take it farther. I'm comfortable where I'm at." I get disappointed and my heart grows tired. People then continue to push me and I keep running, but I feel like I can barely breathe.

Yet, I keep running, and I turn to God and say, "You're worth it. No matter what happens, I will follow you. It may be hard, but that won't stop me. I'll keep going."

It is then though that I get attacked in other ways. A voice then comes in, "But you doubted! The other people don't doubt. They don't waver like you. How dare you waver?! You shouldn't call yourself a follower of God, let alone a leader. You better get your doctrine right and be unmovable before you go forward."  It's hard for me to combat that lie. At first, I tend to often believe it, comparing myself to others and thinking, "They don't doubt like I do. Something must be wrong with me. I shouldn't call myself a Christian."

I once heard that "Guilt is from the devil, and conviction is from God." And what I was feeling there was guilt. Guilt that I couldn't be stronger in my faith in God. Guilt that I wavered even for a bit and actually considered not following God. Guilt often feels likes you're drowning in endless thoughts and doubts, and just can't get out. Conviction often moves you to do something about it and tends to come with a sense of peace.

I would feel guilt about all sorts of things. Horrible thoughts and feelings toward people. My lack of knowledge. My lack of motivation. My judgement on them and lack of love and understanding.

With that, I had to remember that Jesus died on the cross. At times, I don't fully understand it, and then there are times where I think I begin to understand what really happened that day.

You see, yes I will doubt and reach my limit. Yes, I will make mistakes. And yes, I may become unloveable at times. But on that day, Jesus not only defeated death and sin, he defeated guilt, he defeated fear, he defeated every law that defines a "good person". It's because of his death that I don't have to walk around with guilt or fear of how I screw up. There's a God so much bigger than me that is in control.

And the most amazing and crazy thing about this God is that He KNOWS how horrible we are. He knows our hearts better than anyone. I read Psalm 139 (one of my favorite psalms), which talks about how well God knows us and how He's with us all the time. He knows our weaknesses and strengths, our fears and hopes, our victories and losses, our good jokes and bad jokes. And yet, He says over and over again, "You are totally worth saving and I want to be with you for eternity."

It is then that a love that defeats EVERYTHING is born. When you realize someone loves you more than anyone could ever love you or you could ever love yourself, you want to spread that love to others. You don't want to condemn your unbelieving brother, but hug him. You don't want to yell at people and accuse them of their crimes, but whisper gently about a savior that came two thousands years ago and said, "You're forgiven". It's a love that will stand up for the oppressed and reach out to the unwanted. It's a love that will fast from food for a day so that someone else can have a meal. It's a love that will be yelled at and spit in the face as it tries to love you and speak truth to you. It's a love that will be whipped, beaten and bruised so that you can have hope. It's a love that will wear a crown of thorns and carry a cross up a hill to be humiliated so that you can stand before God and say, "I want to be with you". It's a love that dies and rises again so that you do not have to fear death and can have a hope for life. It's a love that takes EVERYTHING YOU HAVE EVER DONE and says "I will bear it all so that we can be together."

1 John 4:16 says "God is love" and then in verse 19 says "We love because he first loved us." I really love that verse in the Bible. Go read 1 John 4/

And this love is constantly waiting to be with us. Day in and day out, we turn our backs on it and walk away, yet he waits for us. God knows that we will doubt and fail in so many ways. In Hebrews 12 and James 1, it talks about how God disciplines us and works to perfect our faith. He stands by our side as we doubt and are tempted and hangs onto us. He will not let go for he is faithful. He is God.

That's where I need to start drawing my strength from. I will get beaten down and down again, doubt and fear, but there is something so much bigger than me that calls to me. I am a human and he is God. He is where I will rest and take refuge. He is where I will draw my worth and strength from and while it will get difficult, I have to trust that He will not let go. I'm in the palm of his hands my future is with him.

A View from A Creator

So I've really discovered that I just like to make things. I mean, I knew this before, but lately, it seems to become more and more prominent in my life. I've taken a car hub cap and turned it into a clock, painted old orange juice containers and made them into vases, and well... I'm an art major, so when am I NOT making something?

This urge to create things has spilled into cooking as well. Now, it's not like I never had a desire to cook. There were just no urges on my part and in the past few years, I didn't really have my own kitchen to use to cook. And even then, I was trying to save money on food and spend as little as possible. And with my busy college life, cooking a meal just never seemed to fit in. But now, I really desire to cook and to do it well. There's a couple of reasons for this.

One is that I really miss having family dinners and I enjoy people coming over and eating together. I wanted to be able to cook for people and have them come over and enjoy the food I made, or even we made together. I did it a few times over the summer and loved sitting around a table with good food and friends. It just warms my heart.

Second, I have many friends who love to cook and watching them and observing what they did, I finally decided to give it a shot myself. Over the summer, I watched my friend Kim cook here and there, my friend Adam and I have cooked together a few times, and I've often seen my friend Kara make all sorts of things and she inspires me to try tons of new recipes and points me in the right direction.

So with this inspiration and a desire to bring people together, I began cooking more and more on my own. Now, I'm no pro at all. Just dabbing here and there and reading all sorts of random recipes online, trying to figure out what to try to make. But as I was cooking a few nights ago, I realized how much I was enjoying myself. It wasn't an ecstatic "YES!", but more of a calming and soothing feeling as I cooked. My friend Maju was coming over for dinner and he cooks all the time, so I was hoping to please him with my cooking skills, and my sister was also coming home soon for dinner. For that full hour, I was absorbed in cooking the vegetables and rice and chicken, and setting up the table, and even making some hummus and cutting up apples. And at the very end, I was just happy that I was going to get to eat it and that I was using the ingredients in my own home. I was making something for me and it was going to be something I enjoyed. This is something that doesn't always happen that often. As an art major, a downside is that I'm always making things for everyone else, and not really for me or something that I'm even proud of. It's a hard dilemma I've come across lately.

Anyways, I just really enjoy being engulfed in a process of creation. From cooking to artwork, there's just something so exciting and often calming about the whole process. And it's especially awesome when you have complete freedom to do whatever you want in the process. You get to pour a piece of yourself into the work.

There was a brief instance the other day when I was working on a group project and had to draw a room we were designing. It started off as a basic, simple perspective drawing, but there was a moment where I sat back and looked at it. And an excitement that I hadn't experience in a while rose up. I was excited about this piece of work and looking forward to how it would turn out. I was happy and curious as I stared at my drawing, and I couldn't wait to see what it would turn out to be.

I often imagine this is just a tiny spec of how God felt when he began creating us. From the moment He began to imagine us in his mind, a sense of excitement and deep love began to grow. As someone who makes things all the time and puts a lot of time into pieces of art, I know the feeling of love and ownership one feels towards a piece of work quite well. The excitement you feel when you begin the piece, as you become engulfed in the process, and look at the finished piece, yet knowing that no art is ever quite perfect, but loving it all that much more. A piece of you is with that work. And to people who often look at art, you really do see the person's personality come out of the artwork.

I love creating and making things. Whether it's cooking, artwork, putting a bookshelf together, etc. There's jut something I love about being engulfed in a process and putting all of my mind and energy that leads to something completely new. This is one of the best ways I relate to God, the first and best artist and creator of them all. I can only begin to imagine the time and energy he spent on us and how much love he feels towards us.

To My Husband

So I've seen other girls write letters to their "future husbands" before and I never quite understood it. Why write a letter to someone you don't know? Do you really dream about finding your husband that much? But recently, I've wanted to write a letter to my future husband, a man I don't know and may never know. I honestly may be single for the rest of my life and never have a husband. I don't know how things will go. But if I do get married one day, and take on the challenge of marriage, I hope I can love my husband in these ways. I also know that I won't be easy to love at all. Best of luck to my husband there. And while this is a letter to my husband, it's more so goals/things to strive for when I'm a wife. Marriage is going to be hard, and I have to commit to loving someone else, even if it I don't enjoy it at the moment. So here it goes:

Dear honey-bunches of oats,

I hope you have a good sense of humor, otherwise this marriage will be really hard. I didn't say "short" because I don't want to be married for a short while. I want to be married to you for as long as I live on this planet in this human form. I'm not here to get married over and over again, just once. And guess what? You're the lucky man. Yes, I said "lucky". Shut up, don't give me that look.

Anyways, here we go. I don't know your name, but I hope that I can love you well. I'm loving you right now, whoever you are, because I'm waiting for you. You're the only man I want to have sex with, you're the only man who I want to sleep next to, you're the only man who's face I want to see when the sun rises. You're the only man I want to have children with, the only man I want to talk with everyday, and the only man that I want to share a life with together and pursue God together. I want to pray with you, talk with you, laugh with you, and cry with you. I want to hold your hand and give you great big hugs. I want to read the Bible with you. I want to pray for you, as I'm praying right now for you and our kids. I want to go to church with you and be able to hold your hand as we worship God together.

I'm not that great of a cook, but I'll try. If you can cook, great. If not, well.... give me a little while longer as I begin to perfect my techniques. I hope I can cook you meals that you'll enjoy.

I really love dogs, so please don't be allergic. If you are, I'll deal going dogless. But you then have to watch all sad dog movies with me and put up with me as I rattle on about doggies.

Husband, you're going to get old, fat, and maybe even go bald. I will do my best to still love you to the best of my abilities despite all that. I'll call you handsome and say you're the best looking man to me. Can I also rub your bald head for good luck?

Husband, you're going to forget my birthday or an anniversary, and I'll do my best to forgive you. You'll forget to call or a promise you made, but I'll do my best to look past it and still love you.

Husband, there are going to be times where you lose your temper and I'll do my best to be patient with you and try to not take it personally. I will still love you.

Husband, we are definitely going to disagree on many things. We're probably going to fight or argue, but despite all that, I will still love you.

Husband, no matter what you do, I will do my best to support you. From being a garbage man to a politician, from a janitor to a rock star, from a hobo to a doctor, no matter what, I will love you.
(But I'll also do my best to call you out when you're being lazy and need to go do something too.)

Husband, you're going to get sick and may be cranky, but I will do my best to still love you and try and take care of you too.

Husband, there are times where you may have to go far away for work or other reasons, but no matter how far apart, I will still love you.

Husband, you might one day cheat on me, and while that will hurt a whole lot and I will be very angry and upset, I will do my best to still love you.

Husband, you're going to say and do stupid things. I will still love you. (I may laugh at you too. Just a warning)

Husband, I will do my best to love you, and I will do my best to love God even more than you.

And hunny, I will need God's help in our marriage. I can only love you so much. But I know with God, that His love will pour into me and hopefully will also reach you. In the many moments where I'll fail as a wife, I pray that God will step in and help my heart to love you even more, just like God loves the both of us. Love you even now.

Your wife,
Hannah

~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Pft. It's weird saying "wife". I don't think I'm ready to say that for a long while.

Silly Art, Powerful Works

A video that has seems to have a silly idea, but it ends up having a great message. :)

http://vimeo.com/7110050

I Gave Up Everything; Even My Garbage

Lately, if someone were to ask me how I was doing, like REALLY DOING, I didn't have a good thing to say. I mean, on the outer spectrum of things, my life was really good. I had a place to stay, enough to eat, and no one super close to me had died or anything. But on the inside, I felt so unsatisfied and restless with everything.

I just felt like I had so many negative feelings inside of me, with worries and thoughts that constantly plagued me in every aspect of my life: from school and my job, to friends, and family. I was doubting whether I was doing well at my job, trying to figure out what I will do after the looming graduation date in May, attempting to make plans for my small group and other ministry activities, and my friends and family were all going through various things and my relationships with many people were changing. Peace just never seemed to enter into my soul and I couldn't figure out how to at least feel somewhat pleasant again.

It was over the weekend that God whacked me again with something I feel like He's been trying to teach me over and over again: His grace and mercy. I need to learn how to accept and live in His grace. I can see now that I was so busy on trying to fix myself and turn myself into this crazy perfect person. I wanted to fix all my anxiety, doubts, and worries, but also my lack of talent, knowledge, jokes, social skills, etc. in school, work, and friends. God was finally, "Don't you get it!! You can't fix those things by yourself! And besides! THAT'S NOT THE POINT!! I DON'T LOVE YOU BECAUSE YOU'RE PERFECT!! I LOVE YOU BECAUSE YOU'RE YOU!!"

So I finally just pictured myself face to face with Jesus and lifted up a bag of garbage to him and said, "Take it. It's not mine anymore. It's yours." And he just smiled and said, "I will gladly take it". He took my anxiety and my lack of talent and knowledge; he took my doubts and worries; he took my loss of temper and my lack of patience; he took my lustful thoughts and selfish acts; he took all my garbage and put it behind him. It was this weird sense of letting go that I didn't think I would have had with all my negative aspects about myself. Part of me had wanted to hang onto them, to be in some kind of control of myself, so I could tell myself that I could make myself better. I also didn't want to present God with such dirt. I mean, really, who would want that? But God not only took it, but he wanted to take it. And while I knew the negative aspects of myself were still there within me, a strange peace accompanied them. Suddenly, it wasn't my sole responsibility to fix myself. It was God's job. I had to give up all my negative feelings and characteristics and hand them over to Him to be in charge.

It was there that I see God saying, "I don't expect you to be perfect. In fact, I know you won't be perfect. But where you are weak, I am strong and my power is made perfect in weakness". (2 Corinthians 12:10). I came across this tree over the weekend and felt like God said, "This is you", and at first, I hated that idea. The tree was falling over and was about to fall. I wanted to be the tall, strong, standing up-right tree behind it. But God said, "It's roots are strong and are holding it firm. It's almost parallel to the ground, but it still has its roots firmly in place. You are like this tree. You will waver over and over again, but I will be there, holding you up, even when it seems like you should have fallen already." Again, it's not my job to be perfect and I really don't trust myself in anything that I do. But God says that is OK and that he will be there to make up for my mistakes. In fact, he was already there when his son Jesus died on the cross for every mistake I have ever made, are making, and will make. This isn't saying that I can do whatever I want, but there are even aspects within myself that I can not change and must hand over to God and He will take care of it. God loves me for me and wants to help me. I just need to give control over myself to Him and say "You're in charge of who I will become. It's all you. The good and the bad belong to you." And Jesus just replied "Thank you. I love you."

I think that we think too much

I think that our society thinks too much….

I was at work today, thinking away about all sorts of things: friends, projects, homework, family, myself, time, God, etc. My thoughts just poured out as a continuous stream of non-stop thoughts, emotions, analysis, predictions, and so on. With each new pondering, my emotions would react to it; sometimes it was good, and other times, it was bad. My nerves or anxiety would go up, and with others, excitement would arise or I’d smile at the thought.

And throughout this entire time, I was just at work, sitting in front of a computer, creating posters and fliers and other campaign materials.

But as the hours went on, one thought that came into my head was “A physical labor job sounds nice. One that requires little thought on my part. One where I can just solely focus on one activity and engulf my entire being into it.” I then sighed, “Man oh man. I’m tired of thinking.”

It’s ironic I know. You say “Wait Hannah. You were actually thinking that you were tired of thinking?” Yes. Yes I was.

And I say this because thinking doesn’t seem to get me anywhere. Well, at last not most of the thoughts I’ve had recently. They usually aren’t related to the activity I’m currently doing. In fact, for most of my school day and such, I can zone in and out of class and occupy myself with facebook or other meandering activities. And while I wish I could say that my brain is not stirring, it feels like it’s moving at a very rapid pace with many thoughts racing through it, nothing to do with class or homework.

Most of my thoughts seem to belong in the worrying category. I worry about my appearance or my conduct, or how to deal with a certain person, how I’m feeling about a situation, various plans, my work/art production, theories, how to go about all sorts of activities, etc. I mean, the list goes on and on, some more important than others.

But alas, I finally got to the point where I was like, “Man! Can’t I just stop thinking?!”

Finally my brain agreed to the halt of nonstop thoughts. I walked outside and sat for a bit in the warm weather. As I sat there, I saw a young man walking along the cracks of the tile. He looked like a man walking a tight rope, with arms high up in the air and attention focus on the thin line. I couldn’t help but be amused. He continued on his way for a while and I was sad to lose sight of him. He seemed to remind me of a lifestyle with little thought. He wasn’t worried about how people were looking at him or trying to analyze the stones he was walking on. He didn’t try to figure out a pattern along the lines, but simply enjoyed walking on top of them, making a game out of the whole situation. I laughed to myself and wished I could view life more how so that man was viewing the lines on the ground: a simple game to enjoy and have fun with. Stop thinking so much and just start walking along the thin cracks, enjoying the challenge but yet, having fun with the silliness of it all.

This is something I feel like God tells me often: to just enjoy being myself and please, please smile and laugh in life. There’s a verse in James where it says “rejoice in all trials”, and I remember thinking “Psh, that’s WAY easier said than done. Does God just want us to lie when we’re obviously upset?” But really, I feel like God is saying “Despite the hardships and all the crap life throws at you, please try to look at the positive side and remember that I love you. It’s going to be rough, but you have hope in Me. I will take care of you. I love seeing you smile and laugh.”

So I hope one day I can put my worries and fruitless predications aside. Nothing can be done about those. Instead, I think I’ll keep my eyes open for the cracks in life that I can stop, lift my arms up high, and enjoy the moment, whether it's difficult or easy, it's going well or not, but trust that in the end, I have the one thing that matters: God, my true love who will always be there for me. 

God is good. Oh crap.

"What do people mean when they say, ‘I am not afraid of God because I know He is good’? Have they never even been to a dentist?"
                                   - C.S. Lewis from The Grief Observed


Got whacked in the head with that quote. My fine friend Mr. Lewis brings up a great point. If I truly believe that God is good, how should I expect anything less than hard discipline and suffering? When a dentist cleans my mouth, it usually hurts and there is some blood. When a potter forms his clay, he has to force and push and pull the clay into the right form. And when we dig out and polish a gem, it usually takes much chiseling and strength to make it beautiful. 


If I really believe God loves me and cares about me, then I'm going to see Him deny me many things and challenge me in many ways. It's similar to how my parents tell me "no" to desserts and ground me if I've done something wrong. It's also in the same way my parents give me chores and hard work to show me how to become an able adult and be humbled and appreciative about my surroundings. God will give me sufferings and trials in hopes of trying to form me into a better and more beautiful person than before.


It's because I know God is good that I also know things will not be easy.


Dang it. 

Everything is out of control....

Everything is out of control.

Then again, it normally is. In fact, in our normal and daily lives, whether we realize it or not, nothing is in our control.

Scary, isn't it?

The weather isn't in our control, the people around us aren't in our control, and heck, even our own hearts aren't in our control. Rain comes and goes, people come and go, and our own feelings arise and leave without our consent. And yet, it seems as a human race, we are constantly fighting this. We build houses to protect us from the weather; we read and write psychology books to try and figure each other out and especially ourselves. Just think about how many things we measure and analyze: most of us have our schedules planned out to the minute; the back of all the food packages have the nutrients, ingredients, and calories calculated out; and we place plants in places where they normally wouldn't grow.

Part of it is because we want to be more efficient and productive. We want to get the most out of life and make things as wonderful and perfect as possible. Why risk perfection when you can guarantee it?

But the thing you have to realize is, no matter how much you plan and prepare, you can't guarantee anything. You can't guarantee that your party will go according to plan, or that your husband/wife will stay with you, or that your house will still be standing there at the end of the day. Life happens, and it happens at you quickly and unexpectedly. You have to expect change and accept it.

I was thinking about all of this as I was reading Ezekiel in the Bible. Have you read Ezekiel? Man oh man, does that prophet go through some crappy and crazy stuff. After reading that, I seriously was like "I never want to be a prophet." It's insane what Ezekiel has to do and go through. In chapters 3 and 4, God pretty much makes him go mute and lay on his side for 390 days. He also has to eat food off of human poop. HUMAN POOP!! Ezekiel then points out to God "Oh, but I haven't eaten anything to defile me." And God replies "Good point. You can eat it off of cow poop instead of human poop." I mean, COME ON!! So I get the symbolism and that Jerusalem has been very bad, but still; poor Ezekiel.

So I continue reading Ezekiel and the recurring phrase is "Then they will know that I am the Lord". I feel like this is not only a continuous theme in Ezekiel, but throughout most of the Old Testament. God usually has to do very unexpected things, sometimes good and sometimes bad, to get people's attention and say "LOOK! I'm GOD. NOT YOU. You have no control. You are a HUMAN." And as I thought about this, I felt it to be a very true, but hard lesson.

One of the first lessons I learned before I ever became a Christian was how very little control and power I had over things. I saw how easily my own life could just slip away, and then began to see how easily the lives of my loved ones could disappear as well. I think this is something my family has begun to learn as the kids are moving out and the dynamics are changing. Anytime I come home now, all 5 of us do our best to be together and spend time with one another. We don't usually do anything fancy or super fun, just watch movies and have dinner together and talk with one another. We're all very loyal to one another and if you mess with one of us, you mess with all of us. So as time as gone on, we've come to really value our time together, soaking up each minute of it and not wasting a second.

It's funny because when I was younger, I think I planned on doing all sorts of traveling and living in different places. But as I've gotten older, I can't help but feel that maybe I'd ultimately like to stay close to family and have opportunities to visit with them often. We shall see what happens though. I really don't have that much control over it.

Another lesson I learned was how very little power I did have. I couldn't control my surroundings, the places or people. I wanted everyone to be happy, but people often get upset or hurt. I wanted circumstances to change, but my words or actions couldn't even make a dent. My own power was so limited and I felt like my life was just a mere whisper in the wind when I wanted it to be a tornado, or at least, some kind of shout.

While my limit of control and power over things seems disgruntling, it's also relieving and freeing. I have very little power, which means there isn't much pressure to understand everything and get everything right. I'm human and not a god. I'm especially not THE God. And thank goodness I am NOT God! I'd have to figure all sorts of things out, like how the sun will keep burning or how the earth will keep rotating or who goes to Heaven or how I'm going to get hair to grow out of people's heads. (Read Job. It will humble you!! Especially Job 34-40). That's a lot of pressure and involves a lot of heart ache too because people will reject me if they don't like what I have in store.

The good news is: I follow the one and only God. And the one thing I can count on in life is His presence. I can count on that He knows everything and has everything in control.

The next big question is though: Do I trust Him? Do I trust that He really loves me and wants the best for me? When I'm going through hard times, will I really believe that this is for the best? Because it is after that, that's when we can rejoice no matter what trials or events we go through, because we believe and know that God will take care of us. Do I really and truly trust and believe in Him?

Do you?

The Laziness of Facebook

Facebook is a great tool to communicate and stay in touch with friends, especially friends that are far away, whether they're in another state, or across the world. And while I love this about Facebook, I've begun to feel like it has a negative effect on my current friendships, specifically the ones where we live in the same city.

You see, even though I may not personally see the people, I can just know what's going on in their lives through Facebook. Click on there Facebook page and I can see whether they are dating someone or not, see what vacation trips they've been on, and know what their major is and their religious beliefs in a matter of seconds. Why bother seeing you face to face when I can read all about your life right then and there? I mean, I could give you a phone call and ask how you're doing, but your status updates tell me all the time how you're doing and whether you're having a good day or a bad day or how your co-worker screwed you over and what not. So, why do I need to even go out of my way and actually try contacting you? That can be awkward and requires me to use social skills. Um... no thanks.

But as I sit here and type away, I've also been reflecting on my week and how lonely I felt this past week. I had just finished being at home with my family for 2 weeks and came back to my empty apartment. When I'm home, it feels like I always have someone to hang out with, especially over the summer since none of us have school. So I'm usually with my brother all the time, and then my parents come home in the evenings and we usually sit and talk, or make dinner, or watch a movie. When my sister isn't working or out, she and I will do stuff too. Someone is just always present and nearby. Heck, sometimes I even talk to my 2 dogs and play with them. But coming home to an empty apartment felt sad and bothered me. Sure, I enjoy being alone every now and then, but every day by myself was just saddening. And yes, I had friends who I spent time with during the day, but at the end of the day, I had no one to come home to and just be with. I like being in the presence of other people.

So with that, as I glanced at my 450 friends on Facebook, I realized that I didn't really want someone writing on my wall or liking my photos. Sure, on my birthday, it feels good to have 100 or so friends post on my wall. But what I really wanted was to see my really good friends and have dinner with them. I wanted to laugh with people and to REALLY laugh out loud and not just type "lol". I wanted to ask them how they're day has been going and hear the miniscule details of their day. I especially appreciated the people who called me on my birthday and talked to me, if only for a few minutes.

So now I challenge you to ask yourself who your friends really are. Are they the ones that post on your wall all the time or the ones who you share the most photos with? Or are they the ones who don't even have to have a Facebook because you're right there, experiencing things with them and talking to them.

Don't get me wrong. I do have really good friends who I communicate through Facebook and email with, and most of them are in other states or ridiculously far away. I will not say our friendship is any worse or less. Some of those distant friends I am very close with and do care about them deeply. But I just feel convicted to stop relying on Facebook and other social networks sites for my other friendships. I have a phone who I can call people with and actually have a conversation with. I can meet up with people and spend time with them. People who I can hug and share a laugh or a cry with, and look straight into their eyes. That's a human connection.

Facebook is a great tool for many things, but I want to stop being lazy and using it as an excuse. I want to get off my computer and off my butt and actually go see people. I won't say "Well, no one comes sees me". Friendships are a give & take. What if we all actually seriously tried going out of our way for each other and visiting one another? Giving each other phone calls? Stop hiding behind your computer and Facebook profile, and get out and have some actual friends. I'm going to give it a try and do it.

To All My Male Friends (This one is for the guys)

In my last post, I talked about women. But now, I want to talk about men and how my view on them as been turned around in the past month or so. It's really been a fascinating, but liberating process and I only hope I can continue on like this. I know this is long, but do your best to read till the end. Especially my male friends. This one really is for you guys.

It all started when I was listening to a sermon on Ruth 2. For those of you who don't know the story of Ruth, it's about 2 women, named Naomi and Ruth and how they are redeemed even though they've experienced tremendous hardship. Ruth is Naomi's daughter-in-law and what has happened is that Naomi lost her husband and both of her 2 sons, one of which Ruth was married to. So the women are left without any men to take care of them and decide to venture back to Naomi's home country where there has been a famine for many years. Naomi and Ruth are on the brink of starvation and are extremely poor. Ruth decides to go out and look for work and comes across a field that belongs to a man named Boaz. Here is the part that my pastor began talking about. Boaz sees Ruth and has heard that she and her mother-in-law are in great need. So Boaz offers Ruth food and feeds her. Ruth happily accepts the meal and saves some to take to Naomi. Then Boaz offers her a job to help feed herself and her mother-in-law. There's much more to the story and way more details that give the story a lot more meaning, but it was here that I was struck with some serious conviction.

My pastor said that at this point in the story, you could look at it as courtship between Ruth and Boaz. But really, Boaz was just being a worthy man and doing what a man should do: helping a woman in need. He was treating Ruth with kindness, generosity, and respect in the way a man treats his sister. And Ruth was humbling herself and accepting the help. This is how men and women should act, treating each other with respect and helping one another, like we are brothers and sisters. My pastor asked the men if they were treating women like their sisters.

And naturally, my pastor then talked to us women and said, "Look, I know you are all smart, strong, and independent women, but it's OK to let a guy help you. It's not even about chivalry, it's seeing the situation and letting a man come in and give you some help." He gave a few examples, but the one that hit the most was "Say you're out with a group of friends and a guy offers to buy your meal. You don't have to think 'Oh! He must like me' or 'Oh crap. This is going to make things complicated' and what not. No! Just say 'Oh gee. Thanks! That's quite nice of you' and continue on." I had to replay that part a few times to let it fully sink in. I asked myself "Man, how many times had I done that with a guy?" How many times was a man nice to me and I automatically assumed he must want something from me. I assumed that he must like me, and then want to go out on a date, or get physical with me and all these things. I just sighed and my thoughts continued on in many directions, but one thing I realized is: that the old thinking process was going to have to change.

After finishing the sermon, I realized that I wanted to begin to love men like they are my brothers. I thought about my own brother and how much I love him dearly. I hug him all the time, hang out with him, and talk to him about all sorts of things. I encourage him to continue to be a man and then talk to him about my own problems. I seriously want him to be the best man out there and I'm always doing my best to root him on and talk about things with him.

So what would it look like if I did that with every male I met?

I suddenly wanted to rush to all my male friends and some near acquaintances and tell them how great of a guy they were and to keep going and working towards becoming a real man. I wanted to tell all my guy friends that they deserve a woman they adore and love and one who respects and loves them right back. I wanted to see each one of them gather up their strength as a man and use it, whether it was to stick up for women, other people, or just themselves. I seriously want all my guy friends to be the best man they can be because I know they all can do it. I'm friends with you for a reason and I know you all have the strength of a true and strong man within yourself, whether you realize it or not.

This flipped a switch in my brain. Suddenly, I didn't see men as this other species that I had to be wary of. I didn't see them as that odd part of creation that didn't make any sense. I saw them as people, as my own brothers and wanted to encourage and support them as best I could.

I mean, I've seen in the past few weeks how a man treating me like a sister totally helps my self-worth and value as a female. Guys just willing to help me and look after me without asking anything in return. It makes me go, "Wow. I am worth something." I had one guy friend treat me one night by buying me food and taking me to a great sight. At the end, he confessed he still had feelings for me but respected my decision for not wanting to date him. I was so touched. Even though I couldn't offer him what he wanted, he still treated me special and saw my value as a friend and as a person. It was the first time I ever experienced anything like that and it was only the beginning to some great healing that would happen within the next few weeks.

Another time, my brother and I were talking and I asked him what one of my ex-boyfriends was probably thinking and he said, "I think he's thinking that he lost a great girl. And if he's not thinking that, he really is stupid and not worth your time." I just smiled at my brother and hugged him.

I was talking to one of my friend's guy friends. He and I sorta knew each other, but not that well. I made a comment or two about relationships and I remember him just saying, "You gotta find a guy who will work for you. One that will pursue you to no end." I didn't even know him that well, but I just felt something inside of me warm and something else get patched up. To hear from a man that I had worth meant a lot.

I can only imagine the deprivation and low self-worth prostitutes and sex-slaves experience. Those girls are someone's daughters and sisters and yet, they are told they are only good for their bodies and even then, for a petty price. The damage they experience must be devastating and my heart aches for them.

And of course, as my view has changed and as I've talked with males, many have confessed to me their own pain from females. Ironically, just the other day, I was in a store looking for clothes and 2 men came up to me and started talking to me. They were sort of hitting on me and I was already trying to calculate how to run. The one weird friend finally left and I was left with the guy that supposedly was the one that was really interested in me. I chatted with him a bit and he was nice. He asked me for my number and through some series of events and him being quite persistent, I eventually gave in. He texted me later and said, "Look, sorry if I'm bothering you but I'm tired of being treated like crap and you seem like a nice young woman, not to mention beautiful. I just really want to get to know you better." At first, I honestly wanted to yell and say, "Gah! This guy just wants to get something out of me. He wants to date me and have me be this pretty thing on his arm." But then I stopped and I reminded myself that he too was a person. He was my brother in God's eyes, whether I liked it or not. I calmed myself down and replied, "Look, you aren't bothering me. I'm sorry you've been treated like crap. You don't deserve that. You deserve a woman who will respect and admire you and support you. We can get to know each other better and see where that takes us, but I can't promise you anything. If anything, the least we can be is friends." He only responded with a smilie face and I haven't heard from him since.

I don't know if that was the right thing to do, but it was as honest as I could be. But I saw how tempting it was to be harsh and bitter towards men in general. Yet, God reminded me about how they too are just people and I stopped myself. I had to remind myself that each man is a person and has experienced pain too. Like I said, many men have come to me, telling me how they've been treated like crap and used by women. And for all that, I can only apologize and tell them that they don't deserve that kind of treatment and they also deserved to be loved and respected. Before I would have been tempted to retort back "Well look buddy, you ain't the only one. I've been done wrong too." Now, I just sigh and apologize. No man deserves that treatment.

So this is to all my guy friends and just any guy in general. You are totally capable of being an awesome and amazing man and deserve a woman that recognizes that. She will be a woman that respects and loves you. She will challenge you to be better, but at the same time, appreciate the man you are. And until you find that woman, do your best to treat women as your sisters and women, treat men as your brothers. We can all go around and talk about how we've been done wrong and treated like crap, or we can stop, see that we're all people with some baggage and pain, and work to encourage and affirm each other. Here's to my brothers and sister! Love you all. :)

The Brokenness of a Female Heart

Lately, I've been learning a lot about males and females, from their roles to their very essences. In church, my pastor did a couple sermons on Ruth and it really rocked my world. Early this year, I read the book called "Captivating" which is a beautiful book about women and their femininity and their desires. I'm now currently reading "Wild at Heart" which is written by the same people as Captivating, but is for men. I've been learning about what men desire and their masculinity and many different wounds men can receive.

I feel like this whole year so far has been really a crash course in male and female roles. I've struggled with a lot of fears that I've had with men and relationships. And I've also come to terms with my femininity and looked at what it really means to be female. There's so much to it, but I suppose I'll start at the beginning.

For many years, I always considered myself to be very much of a tomboy. I never played with Barbies when I was a kid and loved getting dirty and playing video games. I've mostly had male friends most of my life. When my female friends wanted to go shopping and do their make-up, I was playing video games or wanting to play sports. I honestly thought myself as a pretty sad excuse for a female.

Not much changed as I got older. I mean, sure I had the body of a female, but still not feeling very feminine on the inside. I mean, I'd look at some females who loved cooking and cleaning, their clothes were always so cute and their hair well done. They enjoyed shopping and make-up. Most of the time, I'd either put on my jeans or basketball shorts and a t-shirt, and be out the door, playing a sport or getting messy with some artwork. None of the typical female stuff interested me.

But what I've come to terms with this year, is that all the above criteria isn't what makes a female... well... female. Sure, I think it is part of it, but those requirements do not even come close to the core of femininity. And I realized this year, I am indeed, very much a female.

As I read the book "Captivating" by Stasi and John Eldredge, they stated that their are 3 core things that a female desires. She desires to be on an adventure, to be romanced, and to be beautiful. The core question at every woman's heart is "Am I beautiful? Am I valuable? Am I worth fighting for?" As I read that, my heart automatically connected and was like, "YES! That's what I've been desiring for SO LONG!" They then describe some of the fears females deal with. The one that stood out to me the most were the questions: "Am I too much? Am I not enough? Am I really worth it?" And I realized those were the questions that I was dying to have answered within myself. I was waiting for a man to come along and say "You ARE worth fighting for and you are very valuable."

A peace came over me as I read that book. I felt like it had been validating many fears that I had been hiding within myself for a long time. Fears that I felt like society was saying "You shouldn't have those. You must be strong. You can't need anyone. Those things are silly to desire." But as the year went on, I realized how much more damaging it was to deny myself these desires and emotions. Anxiety would rise up and I felt like an emotional war was waging inside of me. To deny those desires was denying my feminine heart.

Let me paint a picture for you of what it's like to experience this fear:

I remember I was staying late at my internship and my boyfriend at the time was supposed to come by and walk me home. I called him up and he stated that he wasn't feeling so good. When he stated that, my brain said "Oh crap. Don't want to burden him. Just offer to walk yourself home. It's selfish and horrible to ask him to come." I quickly said, "Oh! That's OK! I can do it!" But the moment those words left my mouth, my heart fell. He replied, "You sure Hannah? I mean, that would be nice." I don't remember much else of the conversation, but I remember the second it ended, tears began to flow forth from my eyes. Lies started appearing in my head that stated, "See? He doesn't really care. You aren't worth protecting." It was in that moment, I felt like I was standing alone in complete darkness. My heart was begging to be told "You are valuable. I will protect you no matter what." But instead, it felt like it was an inconvenience, only worth protecting when it was easy. I remember crying as I walked home that night by myself, feeling lonely and not valuable. I was also shamed to call up one of my guy friends to walk me home, not only cause of the tears but because I didn't want them to say "Hey, why isn't your boyfriend doing this?" when all my heart would be thinking "I'm not valuable enough for him to be here."

And some of you may be reading this thinking that I was being over dramatic. You may be thinking, "You got so upset that he didn't walk you home one night? Really?" But you see, that's not the point. The point is that a female heart desires to be protected, fought for, and loved. And yes, in that specific point, there were many other things going on in the relationship that did not help that sad, lonely night. It was actually just one of many nights that I walked myself home or was left feeling lonely and unprotected.

There was another time, where I was at a social gathering and again, was supposed to meet the boyfriend of the time for the event. It wasn't vital that he showed up. It wasn't a date or anything. Just something we like to go to together. He had texted me that he'd be a bit late. The event started, and 30 minutes passed. Then an hour, and then an hour and a half. He didn't show. And I remember, looking up towards God and asking, "God, is it so wrong that I'm sad he isn't here? I know I don't need him, but I'm really sad he isn't here." Again, in that moment, even though I was surrounded by friends and was safe, I felt abandoned. I felt uncared for and like my presence was forgotten. My heart again asked, "Aren't I valuable? Am I not worth being here for?" I also cried for a very long time that night.

While I was trying to answer these questions, the typical American ideals kept coming into my head. "You shouldn't be this effected. You are strong and independent. You don't need anyone. Suck it up and get over it." Then other thoughts of "See? You expected too much? You really need to lower your standards." and then "Why would he be here for you? You aren't worth it. Take those emotions and get rid of those." These very thoughts tried to deny the emotions and desires I was feeling. But by trying to deny those feelings, I was denying part of myself and only doing more damage to my already wounded heart.

This isn't a post to talk about how bad my past boyfriends have been. No. It's not about that at all. It's realizing how very female I am and how those desires are OK to have. You don't realize how much I struggle with telling myself it's OK to want to be protected and be told I'm valuable and beautiful. For a very long time, I think societal views and comments from other people have made me try to deny myself those very desires. But finally, I felt like God said, "Don't listen to them Hannah! I have designed you to be this way. It's OK to want those things." You see, in our design as women, we also represent an aspect of God. Women are beautiful and desire to be loved, and that's how God is. He is so beautiful and mysterious and wants to be loved and pursued by us so badly. He represents this desire and beauty in the wonderous female form. In the way women are calling and asking to be pursued and loved, God is also asking the same thing.

And in through my struggles and longing questions within my heart, I see that God is also telling me "Hannah, I'm here. I'm always here for you no matter what and will protect you. You are my beautiful and beloved daughter and I will never leave your side." In one of the hardest nights of my life, when I had a panic attack and didn't know what to do, but curl up in a ball and cry, I saw Jesus appear and squat down next to me. And all he did was sit there and said, "You will be OK." He didn't move or leave my side, but waited till I calmed down a bit. Then once I did, he said, "Better? OK. Come on Hannah. Get up and walk. I won't leave your side. We're in this together. So come on." He stood up and reached out his hand, "I'm with you, always."

I've also struggled with letting God love me. Again, I thought it as a weakness. I mean to want to be loved by someone is silly right? Ha. I often would run around, trying to do stuff for God when He was like, "Just stand still and let me love you!! You can't earn this Hannah! It just happens." But again, I was thinking, "I don't deserve this. Surely, this is wrong to accept." It's something I'm still struggling with I believe.

So yeah. I've learned that being female doesn't mean I have to cook and clean and be pretty. I mean, as I've gotten older, I've actually grown to enjoy those things much more. But more than that, I enjoy having people in my home and giving them a place to rest and to feel at ease. I want to be inviting and warm and love on people. This desire, I also see is very feminine. And it's OK to desire to be protected and loved. Do not deny a part of yourself, but instead, embrace it and let it grow and change you into the wonderful person God has created you to be. :)

Confessions of a Hannah Morris

So I decided to write something humorous. I mean, we all need some laughs right? At times, we need to stop trying to figure out life, digging deeper into ourselves, and reflecting on what could have been. A good laugh can do miracles. So here's to laughing, or at least, I hope this makes you smile.

This is a confession of a Hannah Morris.

1. I dance while brushing my teeth. There was one time, I enjoyed it so much, that I carried it on as I washed my face too.

2. I love wolves. Like I seriously do. It's a bit of an obsession.

3. I didn't play "house" as a kid. I played "wolf pack". It was awesome.

4. I sometimes sit on a chair upside down to get a new perspective on life.

5. I love ice cream SO MUCH!!

6. Cookies too.

7. I just love food in general. But I have a big sweet tooth.

8. I'm always late, but I'm TOTALLY worth the wait.

9. I had a license plate that said the above statement. I miss it.

10. I have a leopard print rug in my apartment. I wish I had a leopard to go with it.

11. When I told my brother about Black Friday, he asked me if it was only for black people.

12. I talk to myself a lot.

13. To above statement: Yes, you definitely do.

14. I make really weird noises. I'm pretty sure I have a noise for every occasion.

15. I know how to ride a motorcycle.

16. So does my Mom.

17. My father is bald.

18. When I laugh too hard, I pee my pants. And I'm not just talking about when I was 5 years old. I'm talking about how I STILL do this, as a 21 year old.

19. My socks usually DO match.

20. I've gotten through airport security without ID.

21. I once had a pizza delivered to me for free. I didn't even order the pizza.

22. I also got a wrap for free. I raced a big black man and won. But I gave him half of it.

23. Yeah... I still pick my boogers... sometimes. OK OK. All the time.

24. I call a man's penis his pee pee. Why? Because it makes people giggle.

25. I'm totally mature..... maybe.

26. I call Jesus "JC" many times. I also like to call God "The Big Guy".

27. God sometimes calls me "H-Dawg".

28. I sing in the car a lot. I sound so good when I blast the music all the way up too.

29. My dog Hank has humping issues.

30. My other dog, Annie, is old and senile and just sits in front of the window, wining at it.

31. I drink lots of water in restaurants. My father calls me a camel and always asks the waiter to bring a pitcher just for me.

32. I definitely fart.

33. Poop too.

34. I air-sing. Ya know.... sing, with no sound coming out, acting all cool and singer-like.

35. I wish I could run around on all fours. In fact, I sometimes do.

36. I'm tired. So I'm going to end this.

37. Good night.

Be the Best You

Oddly enough, this post was inspired from a conversation with some friends about finding that “one person” for you and whether there was even such a thing as “the one person”. I just sat there and thought as the conversation went on. Many people said they didn’t believe that there was such thing as “the one”, but I didn’t focus on that aspect of it. My thoughts eventually led me to a new way at looking at the question.

I thought about the wording of the phrase “finding the one for me”. It then hit me that the phrase itself sounded somewhat selfish. It was about finding that person for ME. Finding that person who “completes” ME. Finding that person who loves ME and makes ME happy and who is destined for ME. It was all about ME.

What if the words were switched around a bit? What if instead we said “I hope to find the one I am destined for”, or “I was made for someone” or “I hope to find that person I’m meant for.” Doesn’t that change the feel of it?

Some may argue that it still says the same thing, but to me, it sounds different. It’s not about how someone can love me or make me happy, but about how I can make someone else happy and love them. It’s not about me, but about someone else and enriching their life.

I left my friends for the night and went home and began talking with my roommate. She then said, “Well, you weren’t even just made for that one person, but for other people as well. Like Hannah, I was made for you. I was made for my parents. I was made for who ever else is out there that I meet. We were all made for each other.” And as my roommate spoke, I began to get this sense of wanting to be the best person I could be. I wanted to be the best Hannah I could be, and just be me. I wanted to go out and talk with people and offer them myself, the great grand gift that is me, with my quirks, faults and all. It made me glad to be unique and realize that there is only one me and I just need to be the best Hannah I can be. There’s no one else who can be me, and this is my special gift I can offer to people and I should offer it to them.

Here’s a story that my roommate also told me about 6 months ago. Since then, I’ve always remembered the story because I liked it so much. Here ya go:

“A story is told of a king who went to his garden one morning, only to find everything withered and dying. He asked the oak tree that stood near the gate what the trouble was. The oak said it was tired of life and determined to die because it was not tall and beautiful like the pine tree. The pine was troubled because it could not bear grapes like the grapevine. The grapevine was determined to throw its life away because it could not stand erect and produce fruit as large as peaches. The geranium was fretting because it was not tall and fragrant like the lilac.

And so it went throughout the garden. Yet coming to a violet, the king found its face as bright and happy as ever and said, “Well, violet, I’m glad to find one brave little flower in the midst of this discouragement. You don’t seem to be the least disheartened.” The violet responded, ”No, I’m not. I know I’m small, yet I thought if you wanted an oak or a pine or a peach tree or even a lilac, you would have planted one. Since I knew you wanted a violet, I’m determined to be the best little violet I can be.

Others may do a greater work,

But you have your part to do,

And no one in all God’s family

Can do it as well as you.”

-Streams in the Desert by L.B. Cowman

God wanted you on this planet. If He didn’t, He would have created someone else. So go be the best you that He made you to be. :)

Love in All Relationships Pt. 2

OK. So now to talk about most people's favorite subject: love in dating relationships. It's only natural for me to think about as I have been looking at what it looks like to love other people. And for those of you who know me and what's been happening in my life the past few months, you understand why I've been thinking about romantic relationships and marriage so much. And not in the "Oh boy, I want one so badly!" I mean... I do want one, but it's been more so in the sense of "Oh crap. This is some serious, hard stuff. What exactly is this all about?"

So what exactly is this stuff all about?

Dating relationships and marriage are often viewed differently than friendships. I mean, everyone says that the best relationships are based on friendship, but yet, there still seems like a difference. Call it "falling in love" or "destiny" or "just lucky" or whatever, but there are just a ton of stories of finding that ONE person and being with them forever. Yet, how do you even find that one person? Is there a one person? Oh my, oh my.

I know for me, personally, it feels like there is "one person" out there. I haven't dated a lot, but I've dated enough to know that dating someone who is "good" just doesn't cut it. The relationship can be good, the person can be good, but many times, I was left feeling unsatisfied. Someone told me that one of the hardest things was having a good boyfriend. I looked at her funny and she said, "He's good, but he's not great. You want a great boyfriend. Don't settle." And this doesn't necessarily mean his resume looks great. It means that I feel great about him. It means I think the sun shines out of his butt and he's pooping out rainbows and butterflies.

I mean, I know a lot of great guys. But I don't feel great about them. Many of the guys I know are close friends with me and are near and dear to my heart. I can honestly look at most of them and say "Your wife will be lucky to get you. So lucky." Heck, there's even some of my guy friends who I look at and say, "Why can't I be in love with you?" But I'm just not. In fact, I can't think of a single guy I've looked and said, "I'm crazy about you and just think you're awesome." There are many guys I have liked, and some I have liked a whole lot, but none that I was just enthralled with and really excited about. There just seems to lack a feeling or connection.

Part of the that "connection" could be the "falling in love" aspect. It could be the admiration aspect. But I think another part is feeling understood by the person. Being able to look at a man and say, "Oh... you understand me." or "You really care enough to try and understand me. You're searching within me and seeing what it is I'm really saying."

This helped me to realize that the one thing I want out of a romantic relationship is just a deep, connection where the person feels like your best friend. When something big happens, out of anyone you'd call, it'd be them. Or even if something small and silly happens, you'd still call them. They're the person you want to talk to everyday. And they're the person that you can look across the room from and have a whole conversation with just your eyes alone and not even speak a word. They understand you for who you are, your faults and all and they still want to be with you.

And here's a selfish desire I've also realized in myself. I want to be someone's number one. What I mean by that is, I want to be the most important person to somebody. Yes, God should come before me, but out of all the humans, I want to be that person's favorite person/most loved person. I want to be the person that they call up or can't wait to see. Out of anyone to hang out with, they would choose me first. If I walked into a room full of people, they would walk up to me first and talk to me and connect with me first.

I know I'm not the only one thinking about love and relationships, especially at my age where we're all beginning to really search. I had an interesting conversation with some other good pals the other night. We began talking about how love is a choice. It is not easy to continuously love someone. Yet, at the same time, we cannot settle. Initially, it shouldn't feel like you have to work at loving the person. Most of us agreed on that. Then someone brought up an interesting thought on intimacy. Here's how it went:

When people talk about love, it is often conditional. They say they like this about them or love that. His example was, "I can say I love my wife because she's beautiful, strong, and wise." BUT, he then pointed out that if his wife got in an accident and became a paraplegic, she wouldn't be any of those. Therefore, if his love was conditional, he wouldn't love his wife anymore. But we all agreed that's not right. So he went on to say that real love comes from intimacy. Spending time together and fully understanding each other and seeing them the way God sees them, with their faults and all, and still loving them. Being able to have those conversations with little words and understanding comes across easily, and yet, you can have those deep and meaningful conversations too.

I liked what he had to say, and it just confirmed what I had been thinking as well.

I think before, I often used to beat myself up about dating and relationships. I used to do SO OFTEN when I was in the relationship, thinking I was expecting too much. I didn't understand why I couldn't love my boyfriend better or why I was always feeling disappointed or unsatisfied. "He's a good guy", I would think. "And he cares. So what's the issue?" I'd then reply, "Surely. It must be me. Surely I'm expecting too much. Surely I'm just too dependent." But really, I function normally and happily without a boyfriend. None of my friends ever say I expect much of them or depend on them too much. There were also times when I would make excuses for the guy, "Oh well.... he's just busy. Or... he just doesn't understand. He's a guy." That doesn't matter either. He should be my best friend and he should understand me better than anyone else. And I should also have my expectations met. Really, they aren't that high. Just ultimately, I should think the guy is just great and respect and admire him for the man he is. Not the man I can make him to be. Not the man who I THINK he is. But for the man he really is and how he is striving to do his best in everything.

And while I've written many paragraphs about this all, I also know that it will come down to my heart and how I can't fully control who I fall for. I've even tried making myself like someone, but it just turns out much worse, for you and for the other person. We can't always control our hearts and how we feel. I think every man deserves to have a woman respect and admire him. So, I won't settle for myself, but also for the males around me. You all deserve a woman who respects and admires you and who will support you and challenge you. And women, don't settle either. Make sure the man treats you like a treasure and also respects and truly loves you. :)

So for this relationship stuff, one shouldn't have to try and like someone. It should just sorta happen and grow as you get to know each other better. Then, there's the possibility of a beautiful love and intimacy to develop between two people and create a wonderful strong bond that connects them.

It won't always be easy and that wonderful feeling may not always be there, but continue to work at it. Stay intimate with one another and spend time together and talk.

Love in All Relationships Pt. 1

So I've been thinking lately a lot about relationships. And not just romantic relationships, but all sorts of relationships, from family, friendships, to romantic ones. I've been thinking about what love really looks like and what a healthy relationship really is. I've been wondering what the signs of a healthy relationship are and when the relationship starts becoming unhealthy. I've also been wondering what love really looks like and feels like. This is a summary of all that I've been thinking about, but perhaps I shall draw out a map on how I've crossed each subject in the past few weeks.

First, I realized something: Everyone you love will either die or leave you.

That truth isn't something really to look forward to. My friend and I were talking about it as I realized I held this fear within me: that anyone I loved or cared deeply about would eventually leave me, whether willingly or not. I had this great desire to be loved and to be able to depend on people, but if they were just going to leave me, what was the point? I didn't know how to reconcile this fear. Was it best to just be independent and not need anyone? Should I always expect the worse? Do I just keep going, and get hurt every time? I just didn't know what to do.

Admitting the fear and being honest with myself helped, but I still struggled with it.

Then, that's when the friend said, "Well, loving the person also involves wanting God's best for them, even if that sometimes doesn't make you happy." Dang. That is also very true. If I really love the person, I have to want the best for them right? To truly love someone is to want them to have the best and ultimately, be happy. I've seen my parents go through that with me and my siblings as we get older and they have to let us make our own choices and decisions. I think one of the hardest aspect about being a parent is letting your children go and be adults in the end. If you really love your children, you have to let them go and experience life. They'll always be your kids, but you can't keep them safe in your house forever. You let them go and become their own person.

It was here that I realized I often love selfishly. I often look to people and see how they can make me happy. Or how I want them all to myself. I want them to stay with me and dote on me and hear about my problems. And I'm fully aware that I probably don't take care of people the best that I can or love them. I get apathetic and lazy.

Then someone said, "To love is to suffer". And it's true. Loving someone is very hard. It takes time and effort, and needs to happen when you're not always feeling the most "loving" at times.

Yet, realizing this, I think I went to the extreme and I began to suffocate and ignore my own needs. I thought, "I'll just be there for people and really love them. I have a lot to do after all. I'll be OK." But in doing that, I became bitter towards people. I thought, "Geez, you just sit here and talk about yourself. What about me? Do you not see me in how I'm loving you? Do you not see my needs? Do you not see me?" I resented them for not returning love in the way I wanted. That isn't loving them either. I withheld part of myself and my own needs to friends and that isn't offering them a true friendship or relationship. And I was probably also hoping to look like the perfect friend: the one that is selfless and loyal and loving. Instead of the selfish and lazy person I can be at times.

So I began to search for a balance. What did it look like to really love someone? And yet, be honest with who you are and let yourself be loved. Believe it or not, I have a problem with letting people love me. I'm always scared I'll get disappointed by them. I'll see that they do not know who I really am and how vulnerable I can be or scared and how much I desire to be loved. They'll see the facade I put up and just assume that is me, and nothing more. I think this is one of the reasons why I love the song "Iris" by Goo Goo Dolls and the song "White Balloons" by Sick Puppies. Both songs talk about wanting to be seen and accepted for who you are on the inside. Especially the song "Iris". Oh gosh, I get happy just replaying the song in my head. Go and listen to it if you haven't heard it.

With all these thoughts about loving people, naturally I began to think about romantic relationships. But I think I'll save that for a different post. There's a lot to that one as well. This will most likely be a series of posts I think. All about love and people and being in relationship with them.

So I hope this gave you some food for thought. Expect more to come!

Lost in a Desert

Today I went hiking. It was nice to just go walk around and not have to think about much. I hadn't hike the trail before so I felt a bit of adventurous, like I was wandering through unknown territory. At first, it was frustrating because I lost the trail a lot. But soon, after exploring the whole mountain, I began to know my way around the area pretty well.

Yet, there was at one point where the trail just seemed to stop and I couldn't figure out where it picked up again. I wandered and looked around, but couldn't find it. So I stood there for a moment, not sure where to go, and realized my position. I was surrounded by cacti, mountains, rocks, and dead bushes, without a car, human, and building in site. It was an odd feeling. Part of me wanted to be scared and run back to my vehicle at once. The other part wondered if this is how people used to do it: just stand in the middle of nowhere and continue forward, without knowing their position or who they would run into. That part felt pretty cool actually. Those were the people that created the trail. And they never worried about cell phone service or internet connection. They were brave and self-reliant.

Again, the feeling of intimidation and fear did creep up a little bit. The idea of being stranded in the middle of nowhere did not please my common senses. But to my adventurous side, it was exciting. I wondered if I should continue further? Maybe explore a bit more till I find the trail again? Or maybe, just continue on without a trail. Risky, but also exciting.

Perhaps I should view most of my problems in such a manner. Instead of a "Oh no! This is horrible!", I should say, "Another challenge. Here we go!" How often are we left worrying about things that will go wrong? How often do we feel like there is no way out? This reminds me of an argument I got in with my father the other week over my car. I had it checked out, only to find there was a crack in the radiator. I was about to head for a long journey the next day and realized that a cracked radiator would be very bad for this sort of trip. (Well, to be honest, I didn't know anything or any of the consequences. I just felt like I should get it fixed as soon as possible.) Long story short, I figured out a solution. Maybe not the best one, but the one that was the cheapest and only way possible at the time. I then decided to call my father and tell him of the matter. I mean, he is my dad, so maybe I should let him in on my life and pray he'll give me some money. It shouldn't be that big of a deal, right?

Wrong.

My father was happy to hear from me, but once he heard my radiator was cracked and that I still planned on driving the car on the trip, he yelled at me and told me I couldn't do it. He seemed to miss the whole bit of "But don't worry Dad. I plan on fixing it. I can get it fixed." He was just so focused on how I couldn't drive the car and how I wasn't listening to him and being stubborn. And once he heard my plan on how to fix it, he still criticized me, "Where do you think you'll find a radiator this late in the day? And one of your guy friends fix it? Give me a break Hannah!" At that point, I was just about ready to hang up. I was going to continue on with the plan, whether my dad liked it or not. He just seemed so focused on one path and told me how I needed to take it in to get it fixed and I needed to wait. The conversation ended, and I got the car fixed. My father called back later and apologized. He was still a bit annoyed, but it was still an apology. He said I got lucky again and we left it at that. The car worked great and everything turned out alright.

And even if the car ended up not working. Even if on the trip, something went wrong and I couldn't drive the car, it wouldn't be the end of the world right? Sure, it's a car and yes, it would be stupid to just ruin it after I've had it only for such a little time. But I still think I, personally, would be OK. I still wanted to try the solution and was willing to take responsibility. It would be a lesson learned on my part, but it would be on MY part. And I could at least say that I tried to fix the car and tried to do the right thing, but stuff just didn't turn out right. I'd learn my lesson and be done with it.

Maybe it's a parent thing: they want you to stick to the safe and pre-made route. But as the adventurer, you can't help but go, "Is it OK if I deviate from the path a bit? Or in fact, can I create my own trail?" And if we get lost, confused, or just stuck, it's OK. Sure, it'll be hard. We may get pricked my cacti, trip over a rock and cut our knee, or just tired and thirsty, but in the end, as long as you have the perseverance to push through, it'll be OK. Do not give up. As long as you're going in some direction, you're bound to end up somewhere. I'm not saying to be stupid or foolish, but just keep going.

After that moment of being stranded, I went back and found the trail. Mainly because I had been wondering off the trail for 45 minutes earlier and knew I was running out of time. Plus, there had been another path I had seen before and wanted to explore that one. So I did, and it turned out to lead me to straight to the top of the mountain. It was a good moment and I felt proud. I still prefer staying on the trail, but after all my non trail exploring, I was now able to maneuver the trail much easier and could see the trails much clearer. At the end of my adventure, I felt proud and satisfied and wanted to come back again. I could also now say I knew the mountain range pretty well and felt way more confident coming again. I can honestly say I'm ready again for another hiking adventure. :)

A Parking Garage Visit

Parking garages are great.

To me, they’re like small (well I guess they aren’t that small) getaway places. Maybe it’s a short person thing, but I love reaching the top of high places and seeing a fantastic view. Granted, I am kind of scared of heights and do not like to climb. But I do love a fantastic view and seem to be more excited than most about them.

So, right now, I’m on top of a parking garage. It’s one of my old favorite spots that I have often gone to since I started college. Someone took me up here once about a month before I started college and I designated it as my spot ever since. I’ve cried here, watched the sunset here, prayed here, tried setting my architecture project on fire up here, and a lot more. A couple years have gone by and it feels kind of odd as I realize that I’ve had so many memories here. I can also pinpoint the spots where I’ve sat and cried, or my friends and I tried lighting my 1^st and only semester architecture project on fire. I imagine the shadows of our presence moving about as I recreate the scene in my head. I can honestly say that I occupied that very spot 2 years ago for a brief moment in time. A moment so brief, that thousands of other people have also occupied that very spot as well. Our shadows just moving through time as we touch different places, different things, and different people, leaving a mark somewhere, on someone, mostly unseen and unknown.

Ha. Sorry. Parking garages can often put me in a deep, thoughtful mood I suppose. Who am I kidding? I’m always thinking and always pondering weird things. Anyways….

As I sit here on top, I look out upon the city with the wind blowing in my face. There are so many lights. There’s nothing quite like a night time view of the city. So many lights, many representing the presence of a human life. That would be kind of cool if that’s how we saw each other, don’t ya think? Just lights floating in a dark abyss. Maybe we are like that, just looking through the wrong eyes.

I kind of am amusing myself by writing my blog on top of the parking garage. I knew I just had to do it when I had the idea. I couldn’t pretend, but I literally had to go up to the top and sit and write, like I’m doing now. So many topics ran through my head, but now, all I can think about is how there are so many people in the world and each of us, just occupying this earth for just a brief instance. I was talking about immortality and the notion of forever with a few people the other day and we discussed how life has meaning and value because it ends. When you see a flower, you don’t know if that will be the last time you see it before it dies. The same with a person. When you see someone, you cherish them because you don’t know if you’ll get another moment like that again. You hang onto it and value it because it makes you happy.

With the semester drawing to a close, I’m excited for summer and the endless amounts of possibilities that await before me. Lately, I’ve been reminding myself to say ‘no’ and not be busy with all sort of nonsense. It’s so easy to do. I fill my schedule up with classes, volunteer stuff, and jobs. I have to fit eating and sleeping in there, which often get neglected. But really, being busy doesn’t necessarily mean you’re going to be happy or have a better life. No. Sometimes, it’s the opposite. And while I feel like I tried that this semester, I feel like it’s something I have to keep reminding myself. I have to say “no”. Already, I caught myself looking at other summer internships and volunteering at a print studio, thinking about how the experience would be good. I finally closed my email and said, “No! I want a nice relaxing summer for once. For crying out loud, I want a nice relaxing week.”

I think that’s what I want to do this summer; keep it relaxed and full of things that I’m going to enjoy doing. Sure, I’m taking one summer course, but that leaves many of my nights open for fun. Many of my friends will be in town with me and I hope to have many dinners with them and make new friends. I want to keep going on adventures. A few days ago, I snuck into the pool area of a resort with 2 friends and we sat around the hot tub, discussing our years and all the lessons we learned. We then moved to sitting around the fire pit and staring up at the starry sky. I loved it so much. A fantastic, perfect evening. The next day, I hung out with a close friend and he and I found a great view of the city and sat and talked. We then went to visit some of his friends. It was me and 3 other people and I have to admit, I enjoyed our conversations greatly. We too, sat around a hot tub with our feet in the water, just talking and discussing life. The next day, I cooked dinner for my Bible Study and had a blast with all the people I had gotten to know throughout the year. I’ve really been blessed with so many people and even the privilege of meeting new people and making new friends. I want to continue to do so this and so much more.

This is the time where I have the most freedom. I am on my own and my schedule and time are all mine. I’m not seriously committed to anyone and my family is in a different city. I have friends to go on adventures with and enough resources to get me where I need to go. There are just so many possibilities to create a fun filled summer and I don't want to miss a beat.

Maybe you think I'm putting too much pressure on my summer. But like life, this summer, will eventually end, and I don't want to waste it. I really need to start applying this philosophy to every part of my life. And the thing is, by "not wasting it", means I also get to stop and do absolutely nothing. Live in the peace of just being and being present in the moment. Not rushing anywhere or feeling obligated to do anything. In that, I hope to find balance between being productive and resting.

Summer is here! Let's do this! :)

A Ripped Wing

Like my title? Pretty poetic right? I know. I know. I try.

So, I'm currently writing about the World's Columbian Exposition in 1893 in Chicago. Sounds exciting, doesn't it? Not. After reading about it most of the afternoon, I found myself restless and needing to get out of my apartment. So I packed up my laptop and backpack and headed to the library. As I walked over, however, I came across a butterfly on the ground. I love getting to see a butterfly. So naturally, as the curious creature I am, I stopped and looked at it. That's when I saw the ripped wing and I automatically sympathized for the poor creature. I crotched down and looked at it. I then picked it up and put it in my hand. I watch it crawl around my hand and use that little mouth/antenna on my skin. I was fascinated because I never really get to see a butterfly that up close often. I decided that I needed to put it somewhere safe so that maybe... it could live a bit longer. Idealistic and a bit childish, I know. But gosh darnet, I wanted to save that butterfly.

So I put it on a tree.

I watched it crawl around for a bit and thought about moving it. It really didn't like to be moved though. It squirmed between my fingers anytime I did move it. But I didn't know where else I would move it too. I mean, it's not like there are butterfly safety zones all around the university campus. So I decided to leave it there and hope the best for it. The butterfly would just have to fend for itself I suppose.

As I walked away, I couldn't help but think of the butterfly as a broken butterfly. And how, for the past few months, I've felt very broken. With the constant feeling of anxiety in my chest and the random bursts of emotions pouring forth, it's hard to feel normal and put together. When I saw the butterfly, I didn't put myself right along in the same boat. But to me, the broken butterfly seemed another symbol of brokenness: a butterfly with ripped wings. It's a very sad image if you really think about it. Butterflies are meant to flutter and fly around during the spring time, spreading their beautiful wings and gracing the other creatures of the Earth with their presence. Not be ripped and shredded on the cold sidewalk.

There was another sign/instance of brokenness in my life. I had called a friend over to talk about some things. I was feeling really upset and needed someone to just talk to and looking for some comfort. She came over along with her mom. We all talked a bit and eventually her mom left. I was on the verge of tears and ready to spill my guts. However, a few minutes later though, her mother came back and began randomly speaking to her daughter about a sermon she heard a few days ago. It was about the woman who broke the jar at Jesus's feet and washed them with the perfume from the jar. The mother then stated, "He said that the jar was broken so that the perfume could leave the jar and be shared with everyone. He then also said that sometimes, God needs to break things in order to use them, so that he can shine through the broken pieces and put them back together even better than before." I was just standing there, almost in tears, wondering, "Is this woman speaking to me? Or is that egotistical of me to think?" I was standing there, feeling as if I was breaking, and I felt like God was saying, "You're supposed to be like this. It'll be OK. Just wait."

And that's when I began hearing things about waiting for God. It seemed like anything I read or watched had to do with waiting. I'd read people's blogs and they talked about how they needed to wait. Heck, I was even watching the Hachi movie trailer in Japanese and the song they used said, "I will be waiting". Heck! The movie is all about how Hachi waits for his owner. And then, my sister sent me a link on dating and the girl kept saying, "I will wait for you Lord." So, I think I'm supposed to be broken and waiting. But it's hard. I want to do something. It feels like I'm missing something. Like there's something stuck in my chest and I just want to pull it out, but don't know how. But I think I need to wait for God to pull it out.

Man, but whenever this happens or however it happens, I feel like it's going to be quite painful.

So here's to waiting and be broken. Wee...

The Anxiety Problem

Hello again. Here I am. So soon, you say? I know. I'm surprised too. But I feel like I may need to write more. And well, the trigger for this writing is my anxiety. For those of you who don't know, since the end of January, I've had this constant feeling of anxiety, almost every day. You know, your throat tightens and you feel like you have something stuck in it. Your chest feels tight and you almost feel like you have a hard time breathing. Well, when it gets really bad, it affects my breathing. But most of the time, I don't notice the breathing difference. I only realize it when I start burping a lot. Like I've been constantly swallowing air and not even realizing it. So here I am, with a tight chest and throat, and a paper to write. Argh....

I would like to say the anxiety is due to school, but it's not. I've been in the education system for like.... what...? 16 years now? Give or take, not counting pre-school and such. And I've never experienced this before. And I've never experienced this prolonged or daily. There are days where I feel like it's gone. I rejoice slightly at the full relaxation of my body. The oxygen flows through my body easily at those moments and it's almost euphoric. But most of the times, those moments are short lived. A few hours later, the anxiety will come back again, without me even thinking about anything. It's quite troublesome and I'm not sure what to do about it.

I tried seeing a counselor. Only went for 2 sessions. She was OK. I mean, the meetings in itself were nothing to brag about. Afterwards, I would feel some of the effects. Get upset and cry and such. Crying actually feels amazing. OK. Maybe not amazing, cause it hurts. But what it does to my heart and chest, it just feels like I'm relieving all this pressure that I've stored up. My heart will feel free for just that time I am crying. Someone said to me "Tears are the safety valve of the heart when too much pressure is laid on it." It's supposedly by Albert Smith. I like it.

So here I am. With this stupid anxiety that won't seem to leave me alone. *burp* Yep. Still there. And I have a paper to write on 19th century American Art. And with the difficulty of breathing, it's hard to really care about the World Columbian Exposition in Chicago in 1893 when you're just trying to get oxygen to your body. I'm tempted to just go up to my Art History teacher and say, "Look. I got bigger problems." But alas, I'm a stubborn good student and will finish this paper. Probably stay up all night. Perhaps I will blog again later tonight to continue on with the procrastination?

It's interesting how emotions and the brain work. I've recently become very fascinated by it all. Mostly because I'm watching myself and trying to take note of what is going on inside of me. I literally felt myself go numb. It was very interesting. I had just broken up with my boyfriend, a couple weeks ago, and realized that I did not feel that sad about it. That began to worry me, because just the day before, I had been in tears with a sick stomach. That, to me, was normal. Be upset and grieve about someone in your life you just lost. That is normal. But not feeling sad kind of scared me. I even whipped out a picture of him and stared at it. I felt the sad emotion begin to tip toe in, and then all of sudden, BAM! It was shut down in my heart and I didn't feel anything. Whoa.

It felt nice... to not be sad. But it worried me. I wanted to deal with this break up properly and not run away from the problem. Yet, I felt my body and my emotions stating otherwise. I really didn't understand it. Still don't.

Then, with the brain. It's amazing how it can divert its thoughts on its own accord. There were a few other things that have happened to me in the past few months. Not small things on any accord. They were rather very big things in fact that would shake anyone up. I'm beginning to wonder if it is those issues that I haven't confronted yet. I find myself wanting to confront them and think about the issues, but I can't seem to. I mean, I do want to, but something seems to say 'nope' and I can't seem to access any of the thoughts.

I find my brain and heart emotionally protecting myself. This has never happened to me before and I'm worried that it may have worse effects on me later on. I want to face my problems head on, and not run away or shut them away. It just seems so cowardly and not healthy. But I feel like it may have to wait till school is over. That'll be Tuesday and I can maybe try to face things head on a bit.

I kind of also wish that I had someone to really talk to about these issues. Someone to really just listen to me and maybe ask me questions and help me dig further. I mean, I know I have God and we're working on it. Talking all the time. But it's still not working. So that's why I'm left here, to writing. To writing all my thoughts and feelings down and hoping that somehow, this helps me. That somehow, I can ease the pain on my chest just a little bit and breathe normally for more than 5 minutes.

We'll see. I sense another blog post coming on as more thoughts flood into my head.