The Laziness of Facebook

Facebook is a great tool to communicate and stay in touch with friends, especially friends that are far away, whether they're in another state, or across the world. And while I love this about Facebook, I've begun to feel like it has a negative effect on my current friendships, specifically the ones where we live in the same city.

You see, even though I may not personally see the people, I can just know what's going on in their lives through Facebook. Click on there Facebook page and I can see whether they are dating someone or not, see what vacation trips they've been on, and know what their major is and their religious beliefs in a matter of seconds. Why bother seeing you face to face when I can read all about your life right then and there? I mean, I could give you a phone call and ask how you're doing, but your status updates tell me all the time how you're doing and whether you're having a good day or a bad day or how your co-worker screwed you over and what not. So, why do I need to even go out of my way and actually try contacting you? That can be awkward and requires me to use social skills. Um... no thanks.

But as I sit here and type away, I've also been reflecting on my week and how lonely I felt this past week. I had just finished being at home with my family for 2 weeks and came back to my empty apartment. When I'm home, it feels like I always have someone to hang out with, especially over the summer since none of us have school. So I'm usually with my brother all the time, and then my parents come home in the evenings and we usually sit and talk, or make dinner, or watch a movie. When my sister isn't working or out, she and I will do stuff too. Someone is just always present and nearby. Heck, sometimes I even talk to my 2 dogs and play with them. But coming home to an empty apartment felt sad and bothered me. Sure, I enjoy being alone every now and then, but every day by myself was just saddening. And yes, I had friends who I spent time with during the day, but at the end of the day, I had no one to come home to and just be with. I like being in the presence of other people.

So with that, as I glanced at my 450 friends on Facebook, I realized that I didn't really want someone writing on my wall or liking my photos. Sure, on my birthday, it feels good to have 100 or so friends post on my wall. But what I really wanted was to see my really good friends and have dinner with them. I wanted to laugh with people and to REALLY laugh out loud and not just type "lol". I wanted to ask them how they're day has been going and hear the miniscule details of their day. I especially appreciated the people who called me on my birthday and talked to me, if only for a few minutes.

So now I challenge you to ask yourself who your friends really are. Are they the ones that post on your wall all the time or the ones who you share the most photos with? Or are they the ones who don't even have to have a Facebook because you're right there, experiencing things with them and talking to them.

Don't get me wrong. I do have really good friends who I communicate through Facebook and email with, and most of them are in other states or ridiculously far away. I will not say our friendship is any worse or less. Some of those distant friends I am very close with and do care about them deeply. But I just feel convicted to stop relying on Facebook and other social networks sites for my other friendships. I have a phone who I can call people with and actually have a conversation with. I can meet up with people and spend time with them. People who I can hug and share a laugh or a cry with, and look straight into their eyes. That's a human connection.

Facebook is a great tool for many things, but I want to stop being lazy and using it as an excuse. I want to get off my computer and off my butt and actually go see people. I won't say "Well, no one comes sees me". Friendships are a give & take. What if we all actually seriously tried going out of our way for each other and visiting one another? Giving each other phone calls? Stop hiding behind your computer and Facebook profile, and get out and have some actual friends. I'm going to give it a try and do it.

To All My Male Friends (This one is for the guys)

In my last post, I talked about women. But now, I want to talk about men and how my view on them as been turned around in the past month or so. It's really been a fascinating, but liberating process and I only hope I can continue on like this. I know this is long, but do your best to read till the end. Especially my male friends. This one really is for you guys.

It all started when I was listening to a sermon on Ruth 2. For those of you who don't know the story of Ruth, it's about 2 women, named Naomi and Ruth and how they are redeemed even though they've experienced tremendous hardship. Ruth is Naomi's daughter-in-law and what has happened is that Naomi lost her husband and both of her 2 sons, one of which Ruth was married to. So the women are left without any men to take care of them and decide to venture back to Naomi's home country where there has been a famine for many years. Naomi and Ruth are on the brink of starvation and are extremely poor. Ruth decides to go out and look for work and comes across a field that belongs to a man named Boaz. Here is the part that my pastor began talking about. Boaz sees Ruth and has heard that she and her mother-in-law are in great need. So Boaz offers Ruth food and feeds her. Ruth happily accepts the meal and saves some to take to Naomi. Then Boaz offers her a job to help feed herself and her mother-in-law. There's much more to the story and way more details that give the story a lot more meaning, but it was here that I was struck with some serious conviction.

My pastor said that at this point in the story, you could look at it as courtship between Ruth and Boaz. But really, Boaz was just being a worthy man and doing what a man should do: helping a woman in need. He was treating Ruth with kindness, generosity, and respect in the way a man treats his sister. And Ruth was humbling herself and accepting the help. This is how men and women should act, treating each other with respect and helping one another, like we are brothers and sisters. My pastor asked the men if they were treating women like their sisters.

And naturally, my pastor then talked to us women and said, "Look, I know you are all smart, strong, and independent women, but it's OK to let a guy help you. It's not even about chivalry, it's seeing the situation and letting a man come in and give you some help." He gave a few examples, but the one that hit the most was "Say you're out with a group of friends and a guy offers to buy your meal. You don't have to think 'Oh! He must like me' or 'Oh crap. This is going to make things complicated' and what not. No! Just say 'Oh gee. Thanks! That's quite nice of you' and continue on." I had to replay that part a few times to let it fully sink in. I asked myself "Man, how many times had I done that with a guy?" How many times was a man nice to me and I automatically assumed he must want something from me. I assumed that he must like me, and then want to go out on a date, or get physical with me and all these things. I just sighed and my thoughts continued on in many directions, but one thing I realized is: that the old thinking process was going to have to change.

After finishing the sermon, I realized that I wanted to begin to love men like they are my brothers. I thought about my own brother and how much I love him dearly. I hug him all the time, hang out with him, and talk to him about all sorts of things. I encourage him to continue to be a man and then talk to him about my own problems. I seriously want him to be the best man out there and I'm always doing my best to root him on and talk about things with him.

So what would it look like if I did that with every male I met?

I suddenly wanted to rush to all my male friends and some near acquaintances and tell them how great of a guy they were and to keep going and working towards becoming a real man. I wanted to tell all my guy friends that they deserve a woman they adore and love and one who respects and loves them right back. I wanted to see each one of them gather up their strength as a man and use it, whether it was to stick up for women, other people, or just themselves. I seriously want all my guy friends to be the best man they can be because I know they all can do it. I'm friends with you for a reason and I know you all have the strength of a true and strong man within yourself, whether you realize it or not.

This flipped a switch in my brain. Suddenly, I didn't see men as this other species that I had to be wary of. I didn't see them as that odd part of creation that didn't make any sense. I saw them as people, as my own brothers and wanted to encourage and support them as best I could.

I mean, I've seen in the past few weeks how a man treating me like a sister totally helps my self-worth and value as a female. Guys just willing to help me and look after me without asking anything in return. It makes me go, "Wow. I am worth something." I had one guy friend treat me one night by buying me food and taking me to a great sight. At the end, he confessed he still had feelings for me but respected my decision for not wanting to date him. I was so touched. Even though I couldn't offer him what he wanted, he still treated me special and saw my value as a friend and as a person. It was the first time I ever experienced anything like that and it was only the beginning to some great healing that would happen within the next few weeks.

Another time, my brother and I were talking and I asked him what one of my ex-boyfriends was probably thinking and he said, "I think he's thinking that he lost a great girl. And if he's not thinking that, he really is stupid and not worth your time." I just smiled at my brother and hugged him.

I was talking to one of my friend's guy friends. He and I sorta knew each other, but not that well. I made a comment or two about relationships and I remember him just saying, "You gotta find a guy who will work for you. One that will pursue you to no end." I didn't even know him that well, but I just felt something inside of me warm and something else get patched up. To hear from a man that I had worth meant a lot.

I can only imagine the deprivation and low self-worth prostitutes and sex-slaves experience. Those girls are someone's daughters and sisters and yet, they are told they are only good for their bodies and even then, for a petty price. The damage they experience must be devastating and my heart aches for them.

And of course, as my view has changed and as I've talked with males, many have confessed to me their own pain from females. Ironically, just the other day, I was in a store looking for clothes and 2 men came up to me and started talking to me. They were sort of hitting on me and I was already trying to calculate how to run. The one weird friend finally left and I was left with the guy that supposedly was the one that was really interested in me. I chatted with him a bit and he was nice. He asked me for my number and through some series of events and him being quite persistent, I eventually gave in. He texted me later and said, "Look, sorry if I'm bothering you but I'm tired of being treated like crap and you seem like a nice young woman, not to mention beautiful. I just really want to get to know you better." At first, I honestly wanted to yell and say, "Gah! This guy just wants to get something out of me. He wants to date me and have me be this pretty thing on his arm." But then I stopped and I reminded myself that he too was a person. He was my brother in God's eyes, whether I liked it or not. I calmed myself down and replied, "Look, you aren't bothering me. I'm sorry you've been treated like crap. You don't deserve that. You deserve a woman who will respect and admire you and support you. We can get to know each other better and see where that takes us, but I can't promise you anything. If anything, the least we can be is friends." He only responded with a smilie face and I haven't heard from him since.

I don't know if that was the right thing to do, but it was as honest as I could be. But I saw how tempting it was to be harsh and bitter towards men in general. Yet, God reminded me about how they too are just people and I stopped myself. I had to remind myself that each man is a person and has experienced pain too. Like I said, many men have come to me, telling me how they've been treated like crap and used by women. And for all that, I can only apologize and tell them that they don't deserve that kind of treatment and they also deserved to be loved and respected. Before I would have been tempted to retort back "Well look buddy, you ain't the only one. I've been done wrong too." Now, I just sigh and apologize. No man deserves that treatment.

So this is to all my guy friends and just any guy in general. You are totally capable of being an awesome and amazing man and deserve a woman that recognizes that. She will be a woman that respects and loves you. She will challenge you to be better, but at the same time, appreciate the man you are. And until you find that woman, do your best to treat women as your sisters and women, treat men as your brothers. We can all go around and talk about how we've been done wrong and treated like crap, or we can stop, see that we're all people with some baggage and pain, and work to encourage and affirm each other. Here's to my brothers and sister! Love you all. :)

The Brokenness of a Female Heart

Lately, I've been learning a lot about males and females, from their roles to their very essences. In church, my pastor did a couple sermons on Ruth and it really rocked my world. Early this year, I read the book called "Captivating" which is a beautiful book about women and their femininity and their desires. I'm now currently reading "Wild at Heart" which is written by the same people as Captivating, but is for men. I've been learning about what men desire and their masculinity and many different wounds men can receive.

I feel like this whole year so far has been really a crash course in male and female roles. I've struggled with a lot of fears that I've had with men and relationships. And I've also come to terms with my femininity and looked at what it really means to be female. There's so much to it, but I suppose I'll start at the beginning.

For many years, I always considered myself to be very much of a tomboy. I never played with Barbies when I was a kid and loved getting dirty and playing video games. I've mostly had male friends most of my life. When my female friends wanted to go shopping and do their make-up, I was playing video games or wanting to play sports. I honestly thought myself as a pretty sad excuse for a female.

Not much changed as I got older. I mean, sure I had the body of a female, but still not feeling very feminine on the inside. I mean, I'd look at some females who loved cooking and cleaning, their clothes were always so cute and their hair well done. They enjoyed shopping and make-up. Most of the time, I'd either put on my jeans or basketball shorts and a t-shirt, and be out the door, playing a sport or getting messy with some artwork. None of the typical female stuff interested me.

But what I've come to terms with this year, is that all the above criteria isn't what makes a female... well... female. Sure, I think it is part of it, but those requirements do not even come close to the core of femininity. And I realized this year, I am indeed, very much a female.

As I read the book "Captivating" by Stasi and John Eldredge, they stated that their are 3 core things that a female desires. She desires to be on an adventure, to be romanced, and to be beautiful. The core question at every woman's heart is "Am I beautiful? Am I valuable? Am I worth fighting for?" As I read that, my heart automatically connected and was like, "YES! That's what I've been desiring for SO LONG!" They then describe some of the fears females deal with. The one that stood out to me the most were the questions: "Am I too much? Am I not enough? Am I really worth it?" And I realized those were the questions that I was dying to have answered within myself. I was waiting for a man to come along and say "You ARE worth fighting for and you are very valuable."

A peace came over me as I read that book. I felt like it had been validating many fears that I had been hiding within myself for a long time. Fears that I felt like society was saying "You shouldn't have those. You must be strong. You can't need anyone. Those things are silly to desire." But as the year went on, I realized how much more damaging it was to deny myself these desires and emotions. Anxiety would rise up and I felt like an emotional war was waging inside of me. To deny those desires was denying my feminine heart.

Let me paint a picture for you of what it's like to experience this fear:

I remember I was staying late at my internship and my boyfriend at the time was supposed to come by and walk me home. I called him up and he stated that he wasn't feeling so good. When he stated that, my brain said "Oh crap. Don't want to burden him. Just offer to walk yourself home. It's selfish and horrible to ask him to come." I quickly said, "Oh! That's OK! I can do it!" But the moment those words left my mouth, my heart fell. He replied, "You sure Hannah? I mean, that would be nice." I don't remember much else of the conversation, but I remember the second it ended, tears began to flow forth from my eyes. Lies started appearing in my head that stated, "See? He doesn't really care. You aren't worth protecting." It was in that moment, I felt like I was standing alone in complete darkness. My heart was begging to be told "You are valuable. I will protect you no matter what." But instead, it felt like it was an inconvenience, only worth protecting when it was easy. I remember crying as I walked home that night by myself, feeling lonely and not valuable. I was also shamed to call up one of my guy friends to walk me home, not only cause of the tears but because I didn't want them to say "Hey, why isn't your boyfriend doing this?" when all my heart would be thinking "I'm not valuable enough for him to be here."

And some of you may be reading this thinking that I was being over dramatic. You may be thinking, "You got so upset that he didn't walk you home one night? Really?" But you see, that's not the point. The point is that a female heart desires to be protected, fought for, and loved. And yes, in that specific point, there were many other things going on in the relationship that did not help that sad, lonely night. It was actually just one of many nights that I walked myself home or was left feeling lonely and unprotected.

There was another time, where I was at a social gathering and again, was supposed to meet the boyfriend of the time for the event. It wasn't vital that he showed up. It wasn't a date or anything. Just something we like to go to together. He had texted me that he'd be a bit late. The event started, and 30 minutes passed. Then an hour, and then an hour and a half. He didn't show. And I remember, looking up towards God and asking, "God, is it so wrong that I'm sad he isn't here? I know I don't need him, but I'm really sad he isn't here." Again, in that moment, even though I was surrounded by friends and was safe, I felt abandoned. I felt uncared for and like my presence was forgotten. My heart again asked, "Aren't I valuable? Am I not worth being here for?" I also cried for a very long time that night.

While I was trying to answer these questions, the typical American ideals kept coming into my head. "You shouldn't be this effected. You are strong and independent. You don't need anyone. Suck it up and get over it." Then other thoughts of "See? You expected too much? You really need to lower your standards." and then "Why would he be here for you? You aren't worth it. Take those emotions and get rid of those." These very thoughts tried to deny the emotions and desires I was feeling. But by trying to deny those feelings, I was denying part of myself and only doing more damage to my already wounded heart.

This isn't a post to talk about how bad my past boyfriends have been. No. It's not about that at all. It's realizing how very female I am and how those desires are OK to have. You don't realize how much I struggle with telling myself it's OK to want to be protected and be told I'm valuable and beautiful. For a very long time, I think societal views and comments from other people have made me try to deny myself those very desires. But finally, I felt like God said, "Don't listen to them Hannah! I have designed you to be this way. It's OK to want those things." You see, in our design as women, we also represent an aspect of God. Women are beautiful and desire to be loved, and that's how God is. He is so beautiful and mysterious and wants to be loved and pursued by us so badly. He represents this desire and beauty in the wonderous female form. In the way women are calling and asking to be pursued and loved, God is also asking the same thing.

And in through my struggles and longing questions within my heart, I see that God is also telling me "Hannah, I'm here. I'm always here for you no matter what and will protect you. You are my beautiful and beloved daughter and I will never leave your side." In one of the hardest nights of my life, when I had a panic attack and didn't know what to do, but curl up in a ball and cry, I saw Jesus appear and squat down next to me. And all he did was sit there and said, "You will be OK." He didn't move or leave my side, but waited till I calmed down a bit. Then once I did, he said, "Better? OK. Come on Hannah. Get up and walk. I won't leave your side. We're in this together. So come on." He stood up and reached out his hand, "I'm with you, always."

I've also struggled with letting God love me. Again, I thought it as a weakness. I mean to want to be loved by someone is silly right? Ha. I often would run around, trying to do stuff for God when He was like, "Just stand still and let me love you!! You can't earn this Hannah! It just happens." But again, I was thinking, "I don't deserve this. Surely, this is wrong to accept." It's something I'm still struggling with I believe.

So yeah. I've learned that being female doesn't mean I have to cook and clean and be pretty. I mean, as I've gotten older, I've actually grown to enjoy those things much more. But more than that, I enjoy having people in my home and giving them a place to rest and to feel at ease. I want to be inviting and warm and love on people. This desire, I also see is very feminine. And it's OK to desire to be protected and loved. Do not deny a part of yourself, but instead, embrace it and let it grow and change you into the wonderful person God has created you to be. :)

Confessions of a Hannah Morris

So I decided to write something humorous. I mean, we all need some laughs right? At times, we need to stop trying to figure out life, digging deeper into ourselves, and reflecting on what could have been. A good laugh can do miracles. So here's to laughing, or at least, I hope this makes you smile.

This is a confession of a Hannah Morris.

1. I dance while brushing my teeth. There was one time, I enjoyed it so much, that I carried it on as I washed my face too.

2. I love wolves. Like I seriously do. It's a bit of an obsession.

3. I didn't play "house" as a kid. I played "wolf pack". It was awesome.

4. I sometimes sit on a chair upside down to get a new perspective on life.

5. I love ice cream SO MUCH!!

6. Cookies too.

7. I just love food in general. But I have a big sweet tooth.

8. I'm always late, but I'm TOTALLY worth the wait.

9. I had a license plate that said the above statement. I miss it.

10. I have a leopard print rug in my apartment. I wish I had a leopard to go with it.

11. When I told my brother about Black Friday, he asked me if it was only for black people.

12. I talk to myself a lot.

13. To above statement: Yes, you definitely do.

14. I make really weird noises. I'm pretty sure I have a noise for every occasion.

15. I know how to ride a motorcycle.

16. So does my Mom.

17. My father is bald.

18. When I laugh too hard, I pee my pants. And I'm not just talking about when I was 5 years old. I'm talking about how I STILL do this, as a 21 year old.

19. My socks usually DO match.

20. I've gotten through airport security without ID.

21. I once had a pizza delivered to me for free. I didn't even order the pizza.

22. I also got a wrap for free. I raced a big black man and won. But I gave him half of it.

23. Yeah... I still pick my boogers... sometimes. OK OK. All the time.

24. I call a man's penis his pee pee. Why? Because it makes people giggle.

25. I'm totally mature..... maybe.

26. I call Jesus "JC" many times. I also like to call God "The Big Guy".

27. God sometimes calls me "H-Dawg".

28. I sing in the car a lot. I sound so good when I blast the music all the way up too.

29. My dog Hank has humping issues.

30. My other dog, Annie, is old and senile and just sits in front of the window, wining at it.

31. I drink lots of water in restaurants. My father calls me a camel and always asks the waiter to bring a pitcher just for me.

32. I definitely fart.

33. Poop too.

34. I air-sing. Ya know.... sing, with no sound coming out, acting all cool and singer-like.

35. I wish I could run around on all fours. In fact, I sometimes do.

36. I'm tired. So I'm going to end this.

37. Good night.

Be the Best You

Oddly enough, this post was inspired from a conversation with some friends about finding that “one person” for you and whether there was even such a thing as “the one person”. I just sat there and thought as the conversation went on. Many people said they didn’t believe that there was such thing as “the one”, but I didn’t focus on that aspect of it. My thoughts eventually led me to a new way at looking at the question.

I thought about the wording of the phrase “finding the one for me”. It then hit me that the phrase itself sounded somewhat selfish. It was about finding that person for ME. Finding that person who “completes” ME. Finding that person who loves ME and makes ME happy and who is destined for ME. It was all about ME.

What if the words were switched around a bit? What if instead we said “I hope to find the one I am destined for”, or “I was made for someone” or “I hope to find that person I’m meant for.” Doesn’t that change the feel of it?

Some may argue that it still says the same thing, but to me, it sounds different. It’s not about how someone can love me or make me happy, but about how I can make someone else happy and love them. It’s not about me, but about someone else and enriching their life.

I left my friends for the night and went home and began talking with my roommate. She then said, “Well, you weren’t even just made for that one person, but for other people as well. Like Hannah, I was made for you. I was made for my parents. I was made for who ever else is out there that I meet. We were all made for each other.” And as my roommate spoke, I began to get this sense of wanting to be the best person I could be. I wanted to be the best Hannah I could be, and just be me. I wanted to go out and talk with people and offer them myself, the great grand gift that is me, with my quirks, faults and all. It made me glad to be unique and realize that there is only one me and I just need to be the best Hannah I can be. There’s no one else who can be me, and this is my special gift I can offer to people and I should offer it to them.

Here’s a story that my roommate also told me about 6 months ago. Since then, I’ve always remembered the story because I liked it so much. Here ya go:

“A story is told of a king who went to his garden one morning, only to find everything withered and dying. He asked the oak tree that stood near the gate what the trouble was. The oak said it was tired of life and determined to die because it was not tall and beautiful like the pine tree. The pine was troubled because it could not bear grapes like the grapevine. The grapevine was determined to throw its life away because it could not stand erect and produce fruit as large as peaches. The geranium was fretting because it was not tall and fragrant like the lilac.

And so it went throughout the garden. Yet coming to a violet, the king found its face as bright and happy as ever and said, “Well, violet, I’m glad to find one brave little flower in the midst of this discouragement. You don’t seem to be the least disheartened.” The violet responded, ”No, I’m not. I know I’m small, yet I thought if you wanted an oak or a pine or a peach tree or even a lilac, you would have planted one. Since I knew you wanted a violet, I’m determined to be the best little violet I can be.

Others may do a greater work,

But you have your part to do,

And no one in all God’s family

Can do it as well as you.”

-Streams in the Desert by L.B. Cowman

God wanted you on this planet. If He didn’t, He would have created someone else. So go be the best you that He made you to be. :)

Love in All Relationships Pt. 2

OK. So now to talk about most people's favorite subject: love in dating relationships. It's only natural for me to think about as I have been looking at what it looks like to love other people. And for those of you who know me and what's been happening in my life the past few months, you understand why I've been thinking about romantic relationships and marriage so much. And not in the "Oh boy, I want one so badly!" I mean... I do want one, but it's been more so in the sense of "Oh crap. This is some serious, hard stuff. What exactly is this all about?"

So what exactly is this stuff all about?

Dating relationships and marriage are often viewed differently than friendships. I mean, everyone says that the best relationships are based on friendship, but yet, there still seems like a difference. Call it "falling in love" or "destiny" or "just lucky" or whatever, but there are just a ton of stories of finding that ONE person and being with them forever. Yet, how do you even find that one person? Is there a one person? Oh my, oh my.

I know for me, personally, it feels like there is "one person" out there. I haven't dated a lot, but I've dated enough to know that dating someone who is "good" just doesn't cut it. The relationship can be good, the person can be good, but many times, I was left feeling unsatisfied. Someone told me that one of the hardest things was having a good boyfriend. I looked at her funny and she said, "He's good, but he's not great. You want a great boyfriend. Don't settle." And this doesn't necessarily mean his resume looks great. It means that I feel great about him. It means I think the sun shines out of his butt and he's pooping out rainbows and butterflies.

I mean, I know a lot of great guys. But I don't feel great about them. Many of the guys I know are close friends with me and are near and dear to my heart. I can honestly look at most of them and say "Your wife will be lucky to get you. So lucky." Heck, there's even some of my guy friends who I look at and say, "Why can't I be in love with you?" But I'm just not. In fact, I can't think of a single guy I've looked and said, "I'm crazy about you and just think you're awesome." There are many guys I have liked, and some I have liked a whole lot, but none that I was just enthralled with and really excited about. There just seems to lack a feeling or connection.

Part of the that "connection" could be the "falling in love" aspect. It could be the admiration aspect. But I think another part is feeling understood by the person. Being able to look at a man and say, "Oh... you understand me." or "You really care enough to try and understand me. You're searching within me and seeing what it is I'm really saying."

This helped me to realize that the one thing I want out of a romantic relationship is just a deep, connection where the person feels like your best friend. When something big happens, out of anyone you'd call, it'd be them. Or even if something small and silly happens, you'd still call them. They're the person you want to talk to everyday. And they're the person that you can look across the room from and have a whole conversation with just your eyes alone and not even speak a word. They understand you for who you are, your faults and all and they still want to be with you.

And here's a selfish desire I've also realized in myself. I want to be someone's number one. What I mean by that is, I want to be the most important person to somebody. Yes, God should come before me, but out of all the humans, I want to be that person's favorite person/most loved person. I want to be the person that they call up or can't wait to see. Out of anyone to hang out with, they would choose me first. If I walked into a room full of people, they would walk up to me first and talk to me and connect with me first.

I know I'm not the only one thinking about love and relationships, especially at my age where we're all beginning to really search. I had an interesting conversation with some other good pals the other night. We began talking about how love is a choice. It is not easy to continuously love someone. Yet, at the same time, we cannot settle. Initially, it shouldn't feel like you have to work at loving the person. Most of us agreed on that. Then someone brought up an interesting thought on intimacy. Here's how it went:

When people talk about love, it is often conditional. They say they like this about them or love that. His example was, "I can say I love my wife because she's beautiful, strong, and wise." BUT, he then pointed out that if his wife got in an accident and became a paraplegic, she wouldn't be any of those. Therefore, if his love was conditional, he wouldn't love his wife anymore. But we all agreed that's not right. So he went on to say that real love comes from intimacy. Spending time together and fully understanding each other and seeing them the way God sees them, with their faults and all, and still loving them. Being able to have those conversations with little words and understanding comes across easily, and yet, you can have those deep and meaningful conversations too.

I liked what he had to say, and it just confirmed what I had been thinking as well.

I think before, I often used to beat myself up about dating and relationships. I used to do SO OFTEN when I was in the relationship, thinking I was expecting too much. I didn't understand why I couldn't love my boyfriend better or why I was always feeling disappointed or unsatisfied. "He's a good guy", I would think. "And he cares. So what's the issue?" I'd then reply, "Surely. It must be me. Surely I'm expecting too much. Surely I'm just too dependent." But really, I function normally and happily without a boyfriend. None of my friends ever say I expect much of them or depend on them too much. There were also times when I would make excuses for the guy, "Oh well.... he's just busy. Or... he just doesn't understand. He's a guy." That doesn't matter either. He should be my best friend and he should understand me better than anyone else. And I should also have my expectations met. Really, they aren't that high. Just ultimately, I should think the guy is just great and respect and admire him for the man he is. Not the man I can make him to be. Not the man who I THINK he is. But for the man he really is and how he is striving to do his best in everything.

And while I've written many paragraphs about this all, I also know that it will come down to my heart and how I can't fully control who I fall for. I've even tried making myself like someone, but it just turns out much worse, for you and for the other person. We can't always control our hearts and how we feel. I think every man deserves to have a woman respect and admire him. So, I won't settle for myself, but also for the males around me. You all deserve a woman who respects and admires you and who will support you and challenge you. And women, don't settle either. Make sure the man treats you like a treasure and also respects and truly loves you. :)

So for this relationship stuff, one shouldn't have to try and like someone. It should just sorta happen and grow as you get to know each other better. Then, there's the possibility of a beautiful love and intimacy to develop between two people and create a wonderful strong bond that connects them.

It won't always be easy and that wonderful feeling may not always be there, but continue to work at it. Stay intimate with one another and spend time together and talk.

Love in All Relationships Pt. 1

So I've been thinking lately a lot about relationships. And not just romantic relationships, but all sorts of relationships, from family, friendships, to romantic ones. I've been thinking about what love really looks like and what a healthy relationship really is. I've been wondering what the signs of a healthy relationship are and when the relationship starts becoming unhealthy. I've also been wondering what love really looks like and feels like. This is a summary of all that I've been thinking about, but perhaps I shall draw out a map on how I've crossed each subject in the past few weeks.

First, I realized something: Everyone you love will either die or leave you.

That truth isn't something really to look forward to. My friend and I were talking about it as I realized I held this fear within me: that anyone I loved or cared deeply about would eventually leave me, whether willingly or not. I had this great desire to be loved and to be able to depend on people, but if they were just going to leave me, what was the point? I didn't know how to reconcile this fear. Was it best to just be independent and not need anyone? Should I always expect the worse? Do I just keep going, and get hurt every time? I just didn't know what to do.

Admitting the fear and being honest with myself helped, but I still struggled with it.

Then, that's when the friend said, "Well, loving the person also involves wanting God's best for them, even if that sometimes doesn't make you happy." Dang. That is also very true. If I really love the person, I have to want the best for them right? To truly love someone is to want them to have the best and ultimately, be happy. I've seen my parents go through that with me and my siblings as we get older and they have to let us make our own choices and decisions. I think one of the hardest aspect about being a parent is letting your children go and be adults in the end. If you really love your children, you have to let them go and experience life. They'll always be your kids, but you can't keep them safe in your house forever. You let them go and become their own person.

It was here that I realized I often love selfishly. I often look to people and see how they can make me happy. Or how I want them all to myself. I want them to stay with me and dote on me and hear about my problems. And I'm fully aware that I probably don't take care of people the best that I can or love them. I get apathetic and lazy.

Then someone said, "To love is to suffer". And it's true. Loving someone is very hard. It takes time and effort, and needs to happen when you're not always feeling the most "loving" at times.

Yet, realizing this, I think I went to the extreme and I began to suffocate and ignore my own needs. I thought, "I'll just be there for people and really love them. I have a lot to do after all. I'll be OK." But in doing that, I became bitter towards people. I thought, "Geez, you just sit here and talk about yourself. What about me? Do you not see me in how I'm loving you? Do you not see my needs? Do you not see me?" I resented them for not returning love in the way I wanted. That isn't loving them either. I withheld part of myself and my own needs to friends and that isn't offering them a true friendship or relationship. And I was probably also hoping to look like the perfect friend: the one that is selfless and loyal and loving. Instead of the selfish and lazy person I can be at times.

So I began to search for a balance. What did it look like to really love someone? And yet, be honest with who you are and let yourself be loved. Believe it or not, I have a problem with letting people love me. I'm always scared I'll get disappointed by them. I'll see that they do not know who I really am and how vulnerable I can be or scared and how much I desire to be loved. They'll see the facade I put up and just assume that is me, and nothing more. I think this is one of the reasons why I love the song "Iris" by Goo Goo Dolls and the song "White Balloons" by Sick Puppies. Both songs talk about wanting to be seen and accepted for who you are on the inside. Especially the song "Iris". Oh gosh, I get happy just replaying the song in my head. Go and listen to it if you haven't heard it.

With all these thoughts about loving people, naturally I began to think about romantic relationships. But I think I'll save that for a different post. There's a lot to that one as well. This will most likely be a series of posts I think. All about love and people and being in relationship with them.

So I hope this gave you some food for thought. Expect more to come!