I used to think I was a fairly open person. Just ask me a question, and I'll just give you the straight honest answer. You ask me something that's deep and personal, and I'll tell you something deep and personal. No reason to hide anything. It's just me, right?
But I've begun to realize I'm not that open of a person. I don't let people see what's going on inside of me. The things that I thought were so deep and personal, actually weren't that deep.... or personal. Someone said to me over the summer, "You're very good at hiding Hannah. We've known each other for a year, but I think this is the first time you've actually opened up to me." Her comment surprised me: here I was, thinking I was just an open book. And yet, she said that I didn't actually let people in. I didn't let people really get to know me.
Months have flown by since then, but even then, I remember the comment sticking with me. And now, it comes back, fitting in with my thoughts.
You see, perhaps what I thought was "deep and personal", wasn't actually that deep or that personal. Where I thought I was sharing my heart, I wasn't actually sharing it at all. Not the darkest and deepest corners anyways. The corners that hold my tears and anger, my deep wounds, my scariest doubts and fears.
And the thing is, I feel like I have shared some of these things, but not in the brutally, honest way. I will present these deep things as "I have control over myself"or "I am well aware of what this implies", seeming to have control and peace over the issue. I want to give off that air, "Oh yes, look at what I have dealt with, but have overcome." And then at the end, I will smile and say, "Life goes on. Everything is OK now though."
But that's not being open at all. In fact, that's just outright lying.
To be open with someone is allowing them to see my tears in the moment, my honest doubts and fears, and hearing my voice quieten and shake as I talk about personal issues. And not just any issues; but the issues that will make people uncomfortable; issues that will make me look poor; and just the honest truth of what I really think and feel, without the fake smile or joke at the end.
You see, for me, I come across as a "happy, go-lucky" person. I can be very good at acting like everything is OK. I joke around a lot and am sarcastic. Initially, when people try and get to know me, I keep them at an arm's distance, joking around and having a good time. I've seen this more and more recently in my behavior, and how good I am at diverting the attention from my issues and just even myself.
I once overheard a conversation between some friends, where someone said,"I believe sarcasm is just a way to hide what people are truly feeling." When I heard this, I turned quickly with a smile and said, "Oh... that's not true." The person turned to me (who was also a good friend) and gave me a knowing look, "Oh please Hannah! You of ALL PEOPLE should know this." I grinned widely and said, "I don't know what you're talking about." The person just smiled and rolled their eyes, "Right... I'm sure you don't."
Yet now, more than ever, I see how I do use these techniques to keep people at a distance.
And some of you are probably asking: well, what are you afraid of?
You see, I am afraid of many things:
-I am afraid of being rejected and disconnected. Being sent away because my mistakes faults are just too horrible.
-I am afraid of people leaving, whether it's by choice or not. Once you let someone get close, you begin to care about them and depend on them. So when they leave, it hurts like crazy.
-I am afraid of failure. I am afraid that all my failures will really prove that I am worthless.
-I am afraid of speaking up first and letting someone know how much I care about them because I don't know what their response may be. To say "I love you" first, and then hear no response.
The list above is a personal, but not so personal list. I believe everyone feels these, at least some point in our lives. We each probably have real life experiences where we actually experience these fears: rejection, abandonment, failure, etc. So we're afraid to relive them again.
I'm not saying that we should go out and tell everyone everything about ourselves. I am here to challenge you (and myself) and to ask yourself, "Am I really being honest in my friendships? In my relationships? With my family?" And if not, ask yourself why. With some people, you probably shouldn't be honest like that. But with certain family members, with close friends, with boyfriends and girlfriends, ask yourself if you've really shared about your struggles and feelings, whether they're good or bad.
If this doesn't challenge you, here's an AWESOME TED talk about vulnerability:
Here's a quote from it: "These folks had the courage to be imperfect. The compassion to be kind to themselves first and then to others. And then last, they had connection as a result of authenticity. They were willing to let go of who they thought they should be in order to be who they were."
And I know this post is long enough. It's a collection of a few days worth of thoughts and processing. But here's one more story. It's hopeful.
I watched the TED talk video one morning and was challenged by it and it really hit home for me in a lot of areas. Later that evening, I had dinner with a few friends that I have known for a while. As the conversation went on, I began to confess how I had a hard time being vulnerable. I didn't really go into a lot of detail, but just expressed that I was bad at being vulnerable with people and like to hide what is really going on. They both nodded and one said, "I do the exact same thing." We went back and forth on how we like to hide our true emotions and act like everything is OK.
As the conversation went on, this same person began sharing things with me I had never heard them say before. Struggles that this person had been through and that was affecting them now. I had known this person for years, but this was the first time that they had actually shared these personal and big stories. Stories that were greatly affecting them now. The person confessed that they had been really bad lately at being vulnerable and realized how much it was hurting them. They had been keeping their distance from people and yet, they craved closeness.
It was pretty incredible. After that night, I felt so much closer to the person and like I began to really understand them. I realized, that this dear friend and I were a lot more alike than I had ever realized. I have gone through my fair share of battles and pain, but never talked about them, for fear that it would seem like I was making a bigger deal out of the issues or people would be surprised I was still talking about them. However, here was another person, who had also gone through similar pain and struggles, and who was also still dealing with them and how it had shaped them into who they are today.
Suddenly, I wasn't alone. Suddenly, that arm's distance was getting shorter. I realized that maybe the people around me could actually accept who I really was, the good, the bad, and all.
I still need to keep going. There are a lot of areas where I need to grow. I'm scared and excited, but mostly scared. I'm taking small steps. So please, take these steps with me.
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