Michelle Obama vs Jimmy Fallen

Yeah, it happened. The First Lady is real serious about this "Let's Move" campaign and motivating people to get their kids to exercise. I enjoyed this small clip. Check it out:

http://news.yahoo.com/mrs-obama-beats-fallon-wh-fitness-challenge-061223371.html

It's kind of funny how being a celebrity or a political figure seems to be crossing a lot.

Maturity & Growing Up

So I'm growing up and it's really hard.

As senior year of college has rolled around, I've come to realized many things. The whole year of 2011 in fact was a roller coaster of many lessons and emotions that I can't even begin to describe it adequately without at least 100 pages to account for all the things I went through, processed, and discovered. It almost seems like since the day I left for college and stepped into Tucson, life has smacked me down and pushed me over and kicked me. So many times I cried for "uncle"; and other times, I got the lesson down and was able to block an attack or counter it back. And there were times where life and I weren't sparring with each other at all, but doing a beautiful dance that accentuated ourselves and own charm. 

When I was younger, I used to think, "You know, I can pretty much take on anything. Things will be OK. I just have to go with the flow." But naturally, as events unfolded and things DID happen, I found myself on my knees, thinking, 'OK. OK. So maybe going with the flow IS a lot harder than I thought. Ouch. This hurts...... OK OK. So... I'm going to go back now where I used to be and hide away." But yet, as wounds healed and lessons were learned, I got back up and tried again. 

Ha. Sorry if all my analogies and metaphors seem rather rough. It's the best way I can use to describe them. And if anyone of you know me well and know some of the events I am referring to, you would just nod your head and think, "Yeah... that was pretty brutal." Many of you watched me as I combatted each event. 

But anyways, I'm now beginning to see myself like a huge piece of raw material. I feel like a solid piece of rock, and like God has been slowly chiseling away at this solid rock and carving it into something else; something useful; something beautiful; something that can be suited to his purposes. Slowly, as life has changed, I've discovered many things about myself. Many things that weren't there before and many things that have now gone away. God's taken the chisel and at times, been merciless with it as he's carved and formed my substance.

When I took ceramics over the summer, I finally understood the whole analogy of "God is like a potter and we are the clay". When you get a piece of clay, you must smash it and push it and prepare it before you can even put it on the wheel. Then, once you do place it on the wheel, it takes great strength and pressure to form the clay into the way you want it to be. You have to use your fingers to push and pull the clay in the direction you want it to go. And many times, the clay resists and just wants to stay the way it is. But yet, as the potter, you push harder and pull harder, until finally it begins to form into the shape you want. I would watch my teacher in amazement, as he seemed to gracefully take the clay and form it into beautiful pieces of art. He made it look effortless, but at the same time, I secretly knew the strength he had in his hands and all the years of experience he had. As I began to try at the wheel and got frustrated with the clay, I thought, "I wonder if this is how God feels about me at times?" I chuckled at the thought and secretly apologized to God for being such a difficult piece of clay to work with.

Maturing and growing up is hard and can be extremely painful. But I can also see it as a natural transformation. I'm not sure what will happen, but I just have to trust God that he is forming into the woman he wants me to be. 

Value Yourself

Have you ever had problems and didn’t know who to talk about them with? Have you ever had problems, and just felt like no one would care if you talked about them? Like it would be some sort of nonsense, or meaningless ramble. Their only reply would be, “I’m sorry” or just a “Well, things will get better.” Or maybe, you don’t want to share because then, people will see how weak you are. They will tell you to not lean on a person, and to stand strong on your own. Or maybe you’re telling yourself that?

I know I do that and everything else stated above often.

The past few weeks, I’ve had conversations with people where they’ve admitted that they have a hard time talking about their problems with others, whether it’s friends or family. Automatically, I resonated with this and began looking inward at myself and how I deal with things.

One person said, “Well, I was taught to just handle everything on my own. To not bother other people. So I don’t really know how to ask for help. Even when people say they care and want to help, I just don’t know how.”

I connected with this person. I have a hard time asking for help. And a lot of it is because I don’t want to bother other people. They would think, “Gosh Hannah, haven’t you gotten over this yet?” or “Haven’t you figured this out yet? You go on and on about it.” I often think, “Who would want to hear about my problem?”

Another friend and I were talking and that person said, “I have a hard time expressing myself. But I want to learn how to do that.”

I connected in this way because I recognize that I have a hard time expressing my negative emotions. I can easily tell someone how great they are or how much I care, but if someone has upset me or hurt my feelings, I freeze up. I don’t know what to say or where to even begin. This is due to many reasons. I think, “They won’t want to hear what I have to say.” Or “I’m just probably being sensitive. I should get over this.” Or “I’ll just handle this on my own. I doubt that person will care enough to really change their behavior or do anything to help fix the pain.”

I then often downplay my emotions. I say “Oh, it’s OK,” when on the inside, I’m screaming and yelling, saying “NO!! THIS SUCKS SO MUCH!!” My small step in this area has been to say “I forgive you” instead of “It’s OK.” Saying “It’s OK” negates that anything bad ever did happen, that any pain was inflicted. But when you say “I forgive you”, you acknowledge that something wrong was done, that pain was there, but you are willing to move on. But even with this small step, I hesitate before I can say “I forgive you”. I’m tempted to say “It’s OK”, because even ‘I forgive you’ sounds like I’m being sensitive. Like I’m making a bigger deal out of something that’s not.

But the thing is, my heart and feelings are a big deal. I, myself, am a big deal. I’m the one that has to deal with them day in and day out. And maybe there are times where I don’t deserve a right to feel a certain way. But the feeling is there and it’s there for a reason. It needs to be acknowledged and dealt with in a healthy manner. The heart is important, and if you ignore it, you’ll take away a part of you that says you are human and you’ll end up trampling on other people’s feelings as well.

You see, in both instances, my head often speaks up and says. “Just get over this. This is the easiest way to handle it.” Logically, it all seems great: I’ll appear to be this chilled-out relax person; people will want to be around me and hang out since I won’t bring up hard conversations or make them uncomfortable; and I won’t challenge them in their actions. I will be this emotionless person that just seems happy all the time.

But would a person like that really be happy all the time? A person who’d experience no downs, no pain, would they even actually know what feeling “happy” would feel like? Would a person who doesn’t push people to grow actually have any genuine friendships? Would the person actually be able to bond with anyone on a deep level?

Because the thing is, ever noticed that after feeling sick or depressed, suddenly, good health and just even contentment feel amazing. But then after time has gone by, you take even your own good mood for granted. And also, when you shared a deep pain or feeling with someone, and they accepted you for your weakness and pain, you suddenly felt way more bonded with them than someone you just shared a laugh with? Your trust with that person rises about 10 times more, for both the sharer and listener.

I feel like this is something God is trying to teach me: to value my own heart and feelings. After my heart took a beating last year, it shut itself off. I didn’t speak up about my own feelings or heart, because it felt like everyone was demanding that I listen to them. I couldn’t get a word in edge wise, with pretty much everyone.

But now, I feel like God has taken me aside and is having me take a step back and a good look at the mirror. He’s been urging me and saying, “Your opinion matters. Your feelings matter. Don’t let anyone trample on them. Don’t let anyone put their value and worth down.” I feel like God has been challenging me to have confidence in myself. To see not only the beauty in my emotions, but in my thinking and in my physical nature. To look at the mirror in the morning and say, “You’re beautiful!” To trust in my own sense of humor and wit, to trust in my own creativity as an artist, and to trust in my own free-spirited self. To find value in my strengths and weaknesses.

It’s hard though, and it’s something I’m still working on.

And the next step will be to trust that people really do care about me and my feelings and want the best for me. That they will be gentle with my heart and emotions. This was something that a conversation between friends brought up. I realized that I didn’t believe people would care about my problems. That people would genuinely sit and listen to me about things I had to say and feel. I’ve told myself this over and over again, and now, I want to try and push past this. I’m not sure how, but I know it’s something I want to try and do.

Here goes nothing. 

We Digital People

Ironic I'm positing it, but I love it.

People Help The People

I really love this video:

People Help The People by Birdy

Your Faith Can Move God

Do you believe that God can truly do anything? 

I sat down and began to read my Bible this morning and was flipping through Matthew. I read Matthew 8 - 9 and came across stories that I knew pretty well: such as when Jesus cleanses a leaper, the faith of a centurion and his suffering servant, Jesus healing a paralytic and forgiving his sins, a woman bleeding for 12 years and being healed by Jesus and then Jesus healing a ruler's daughter, and then Jesus healing 2 blind men. 

As I read most of these stories, I saw a theme. Each person had a specific request of Jesus and each approached Jesus stating, "I know you can do this." And each time, Jesus did as they said. And he did so in a very specific way according to what they had said. 

I first saw it with the centurion with his great faith. He approaches Jesus and requests that Jesus heals one of his servants. Jesus says, "OK. I'll go." But the centurion presses on. "No, wait. I know I'm not worthy of you. I know that if you say he is healed right here and now, he WILL be healed at this very moment. I also have authority over people and know what a small amount of power is like." Jesus is surprised at this answer, but also pleased. He replies, "I haven't met anyone with faith like you." and then says "Let it be done for you as you have believed". And the servant is healed right then and there, just as the centurion had requested of Jesus. 

The next were with the woman bleeding for 12 years and the ruler's daughter. The bleeding woman ran after Jesus and thought, "If I just touch his garment, I will be healed". In Mark 5, it talks about how the instant she touched his garment, the blood dried up. Jesus felt his power leave him and turned to face the woman and told her that her faith has made her well. Again, it happened just in the way she believed it would happen. 

And with the ruler's daughter, the ruler exclaimed to Jesus that if Jesus just laid his hand on his daughter, she would be raised from the dead. When Jesus encounters the daughter, he picks up the daughter's hand with his hand and indeed, she becomes alive. Again, it was just as the ruler had believed.

It was with this story, that I saw the pattern of people specifically stating Jesus's power and him carrying through, just as they had stated. And these people didn't just say, "I WANT you to do this." or "I WISH you could do this."  They said to him, "I KNOW you can do this. I BELIEVE you can do this." I then thought, "God does as we believe He can do. And in a specific way too." 

My thoughts were then confirmed when I read the story of the 2 blind men. They approach Jesus and ask for mercy. Jesus asks, "Do you believe that I am able to do this?" They reply "Yes Lord". And he then says, "According to your faith be it done to you." 

After I read these passages, I was reminded that I need to continue to pray with faith that my Lord, God can do anything and be specific about my needs and my belief in his power. Many of us easily say, "God can do anything." But when it comes to actually asking God to do big and crazy things, we hesitate. We say, "But what if God does NOT do it? I'll be disappointed." That's when you just have to trust God that He knows what He is doing. But this can easily get into a whole other tangent about God's will and trusting in His faithfulness and wisdom. 

I want to stick to specifically talking about faith and asking God for big and specific things. We may be afraid that He won't do it, but that doesn't lessen your faith in that you KNOW He can do it. In my own personal life, some of my most powerful prayers were where I specifically stated, "God, I believe you can do this. I know you can do." And I often say, "I believe. I believe" over and over again. 

My first experience with prayer like this was when I was about in 4th grade. I actually remember reading a book that said, "If you just believe, anything can happen." So as a 11-year old, I gave it a shot. There was a festival at my school and the famous $50 dollar money tree was going to be raffled off. I always wanted to win it and just thought $50 was so much money as a 11 year old. So I bought about 10 tickets and put them in. There were 100s of other tickets already in, and I remember thinking, "OK. I believe I'm going to win. I really do. I believe." About an hour later, after certain performances, they announced they would be drawing the winner for the money tree. I remember bringing my knees up in my chair and bowing my head and saying over and over again, "I believe. I believe. I believe. God, I believe I will win. Come on God. They will pull a ticket with my name on it. I believe." I sat there for a few minutes, saying those words over and over again. They pulled out a ticket and....

I won. 

I was pretty excited and my whole day was made right then and there. I think ever since that moment, I walked away with something that was worth way more than $50. I walked away with a firm belief that if I just believed, anything could happen. 

Now as I've gotten older, praying like that can be hard to do and doubts seem to ran sack my mind often. But there are times, where I have prayed like that and it's an amazing and powerful experience. You just often have to reach down in yourself and find that source that says, "Anything can happen." It may feel child-like or you may even feel silly, but it's an important part of you. God put it there because He says, "I CAN make anything happen." When we put our faith and believe in God, He moves to action and can really move mountains and do just about anything.  

God Smacked Me Over the Head

I'll keep this pretty brief. It was a quick, but yet a powerful conversation with God.

It was as I was working on some planning with InterVarsity Christian Fellowship about the upcoming semester. My staff leader began asking me about my decision to apply for the InterVarsity internship. I told him my story about how I wanted more in life and as I analyzed myself and prayed about it and just thought over many things, I realized that while I devoted half my life to art, the other half was devoted to ministry. I'm fascinated with the art, but I feel like the thing that tugs at my heart is ministry. Devoting myself to other people and loving them in the way that Jesus does fulfills me like nothing else. And when I had prayed about it, I just felt like God say, "Why not? Just try it. Fill it out and see what happens."

So I filled it out. And it was quite an emotional and intense process. I reflected on myself and the past three years I've given to doing ministry. And even if I don't get the internship, I, myself got to acknowledge that I HAD poured myself into other people and to spreading God's love. Even if no one else agreed with me, I'd gotten to write down and see my own efforts and acknowledge them. And acknowledge my current efforts as well.

So back to the planning and conversation about why I chose to do the internship. As we talked, the conversation shifted to someone else and a different topic. And for some reason, some word triggered a thought that floated into my mind: 'What if they think I'm not suited for the job?' And with that one thought, an onslaught of other thoughts came: What if he thinks I'm ill prepared? What if he thinks my heart isn't in the right place? What if he thinks my reasons aren't good enough? What if I don't know my theology well enough? Crap, I don't think I answered that one question right or serious enough. No one will think I'm ready to be an intern. They'll all think I'm not qualified. Or that I'm naive.

And on and on the thoughts went.

I began to feel upset and then turned my thoughts to God. "Lord?" I said, "Am I not qualified? Will I not get the internship?" And that's when I got a frustrated reply:

"Why do you care if people think you're qualified or not?!?! Isn't it enough that I ASKED you to fill out the form? Isn't it enough that I chose you to do the job?!? Why are you so worried about what other people think about you?! They do NOT determine your worth. I DO!!!"

And a quote that I really like then floated into my head "God doesn't call the qualified. He qualifies the called." God then repeated, "It doesn't matter if you're qualified or not. Ready or not. It only matters that I asked you to do it. You had peace about whether you were to get the internship or not. Because you knew that I would be guiding you and that's all you cared about. Stop worrying about what others think of you. My voice and power reigns higher than anyone else. You will go where you need to be. I know you're willing to follow. So stop worrying. I will take care of the rest."

With that firm reprimand, I decided to stop thinking about what others thought of my decision to apply for the internship. I had to remember that while maybe the whole world could think I'm ill qualified for the job, if God told me to go, I would still go. And I may face obstacles by other people, and that may deter me here or there, but I want to go where God is leading me.

And if I'm honest, I feel like I have kept worrying about other peoples' opinion of me for a long time now. And I can honestly say, it's probably an attack by the devil. I'm not one to blame the devil for everything, but the way these thoughts sometimes shoot through my head, especially when I'm about to make a big commitment to God, are just too inconvenient. I remember when I was a young Christian, just starting out, I kept thinking, "These people will find out that I'm not as Christian as them. They'll find out I'm nowhere near on their level. I'm not a 'good Christian' like the rest of them."

Someone then had to confront me and say: "There's no such thing as a good Christian Hannah." 

When it comes to design, I sometimes think people find my designs ugly or unsatisfactory. People tell me over and over again though that I have a real talent.

At work, I remember thinking that I must be the only one who gets confused and frustrated with my boss. Am I just not understanding the work criteria? Am I just missing something? Do I just not get it?

My co-worker Andrew had to comfort me at one point and say: "Hannah, I don't always like the way you get treated at work. You're doing a great job and I hope I can help you out more often. I'm praying about it. All the things you're going through, we all go through too." A huge relief was lifted off my shoulders. I was finally able to take my work problems and just leave them at work. My inadequate performance wasn't due to mine own personal inability. I just still needed to find other solutions to make things work and continue to push myself. And if I still failed, then that was OK. 

And I suppose everyone goes through it. The doubts we have about everyday life. The fears we have to battle. I know for myself, I'm really hard on myself. If something doesn't go right, I blame myself right off the bat. I look at my own abilities and skills and say, "How did I mess this up? How could I improve?"  I actually have to learn to stop, and try to tell myself it's OK to mess up. And most of all, it's not my fault. Well, not entirely anyways. 

I feel as if God is continuing to tell me that it's OK to just be me. He knows I have faults and weaknesses, but He'll take care of those. My real worth comes from Him and Him alone. And God is the only person I want to be with. My heart yearns for him. He's polishing me right now so that when I get to be with him, I'll be a even more beautiful gem than the one he originally created. 

This post is longer than I thought it would be. It's messy and unorganized. I would apologize, but nah... this is just who I am. Take it or talk to the Lord about it. haha. 

Later. :)