It was as I was working on some planning with InterVarsity Christian Fellowship about the upcoming semester. My staff leader began asking me about my decision to apply for the InterVarsity internship. I told him my story about how I wanted more in life and as I analyzed myself and prayed about it and just thought over many things, I realized that while I devoted half my life to art, the other half was devoted to ministry. I'm fascinated with the art, but I feel like the thing that tugs at my heart is ministry. Devoting myself to other people and loving them in the way that Jesus does fulfills me like nothing else. And when I had prayed about it, I just felt like God say, "Why not? Just try it. Fill it out and see what happens."
So I filled it out. And it was quite an emotional and intense process. I reflected on myself and the past three years I've given to doing ministry. And even if I don't get the internship, I, myself got to acknowledge that I HAD poured myself into other people and to spreading God's love. Even if no one else agreed with me, I'd gotten to write down and see my own efforts and acknowledge them. And acknowledge my current efforts as well.
So back to the planning and conversation about why I chose to do the internship. As we talked, the conversation shifted to someone else and a different topic. And for some reason, some word triggered a thought that floated into my mind: 'What if they think I'm not suited for the job?' And with that one thought, an onslaught of other thoughts came: What if he thinks I'm ill prepared? What if he thinks my heart isn't in the right place? What if he thinks my reasons aren't good enough? What if I don't know my theology well enough? Crap, I don't think I answered that one question right or serious enough. No one will think I'm ready to be an intern. They'll all think I'm not qualified. Or that I'm naive.
And on and on the thoughts went.
I began to feel upset and then turned my thoughts to God. "Lord?" I said, "Am I not qualified? Will I not get the internship?" And that's when I got a frustrated reply:
"Why do you care if people think you're qualified or not?!?! Isn't it enough that I ASKED you to fill out the form? Isn't it enough that I chose you to do the job?!? Why are you so worried about what other people think about you?! They do NOT determine your worth. I DO!!!"
And a quote that I really like then floated into my head "God doesn't call the qualified. He qualifies the called." God then repeated, "It doesn't matter if you're qualified or not. Ready or not. It only matters that I asked you to do it. You had peace about whether you were to get the internship or not. Because you knew that I would be guiding you and that's all you cared about. Stop worrying about what others think of you. My voice and power reigns higher than anyone else. You will go where you need to be. I know you're willing to follow. So stop worrying. I will take care of the rest."
With that firm reprimand, I decided to stop thinking about what others thought of my decision to apply for the internship. I had to remember that while maybe the whole world could think I'm ill qualified for the job, if God told me to go, I would still go. And I may face obstacles by other people, and that may deter me here or there, but I want to go where God is leading me.
And if I'm honest, I feel like I have kept worrying about other peoples' opinion of me for a long time now. And I can honestly say, it's probably an attack by the devil. I'm not one to blame the devil for everything, but the way these thoughts sometimes shoot through my head, especially when I'm about to make a big commitment to God, are just too inconvenient. I remember when I was a young Christian, just starting out, I kept thinking, "These people will find out that I'm not as Christian as them. They'll find out I'm nowhere near on their level. I'm not a 'good Christian' like the rest of them."
Someone then had to confront me and say: "There's no such thing as a good Christian Hannah."
At work, I remember thinking that I must be the only one who gets confused and frustrated with my boss. Am I just not understanding the work criteria? Am I just missing something? Do I just not get it?
My co-worker Andrew had to comfort me at one point and say: "Hannah, I don't always like the way you get treated at work. You're doing a great job and I hope I can help you out more often. I'm praying about it. All the things you're going through, we all go through too." A huge relief was lifted off my shoulders. I was finally able to take my work problems and just leave them at work. My inadequate performance wasn't due to mine own personal inability. I just still needed to find other solutions to make things work and continue to push myself. And if I still failed, then that was OK.
And I suppose everyone goes through it. The doubts we have about everyday life. The fears we have to battle. I know for myself, I'm really hard on myself. If something doesn't go right, I blame myself right off the bat. I look at my own abilities and skills and say, "How did I mess this up? How could I improve?" I actually have to learn to stop, and try to tell myself it's OK to mess up. And most of all, it's not my fault. Well, not entirely anyways.
I feel as if God is continuing to tell me that it's OK to just be me. He knows I have faults and weaknesses, but He'll take care of those. My real worth comes from Him and Him alone. And God is the only person I want to be with. My heart yearns for him. He's polishing me right now so that when I get to be with him, I'll be a even more beautiful gem than the one he originally created.
This post is longer than I thought it would be. It's messy and unorganized. I would apologize, but nah... this is just who I am. Take it or talk to the Lord about it. haha.
Later. :)
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