Why Dating Relationships Scare Me

Suddenly, my future seems a lot scarier.

Honestly, a few months before, I remember thinking "Ah... yes. There's no concrete road for my future, but I'm OK with that. Life will take me where ever I want and it will be a fun adventure!" The possibilities seemed endless and I was ready to hone my skills as an artist and designer, save up money for traveling, and get in shape for new adventures. I was pretty content, struggling with some things, but feeling good about my future at least. I began envisioning myself as the carefree photographer and hiker that was going to finally visit all the places she wanted to go, eat the food she had always wanted to eat, meet new people, read books, discuss religion, culture, and philosophy with others, listen to old men in the park playing chess talk about their lives, hike to the tops of mountains and bask in the great views, eventually get a dog and take it with me where ever I went, and just hang out with whoever I felt like it in the moment. I didn't have a plan on how to make it all happen, but I was excited for all the adventures.

Then he showed up.

And by "he", I mean, my boyfriend.

Suddenly, all my adventures and visions of a carefree single life slipped away and I was left with throwing someone else's plans into the mix of life. And with this, a wave of issues, scars, insecurities, and fears appeared that I had never realized were there before. Fears of rejection, trust issues, past heart aches rose to the surface like a tidal wave and I was sitting there, going "What the heck is going on?"

While I probably could write a novel about the whole process thus far, including my fears, multiple discussions with people, many conversations with my boyfriend, epiphanies on my end, prayers lifted up to God, lots of thinking, too much analyzing, and just... SO MUCH, I'll summarize it in this quick conversation that I had with my mother about the whole thing. After I vented all my woes and worries, exasperating the topic to no end, and simply saying at last, "Oh Mom, I don't know. I just don't know." She simply said:

"It sounds like to me that you want a guarantee that it's all going to work out. And sorry to say honey, but life doesn't work out like that."

And with that, I shut my mouth, sighed and said, "Yeah..... dang it."

And I even had to admit that while my single, independent life sounded fantastic, that doesn't mean it would all work out either. I have no guarantees in life in general, whether I'm single, dating, married, working, in school, in another country, etc. All I have is God and his promises.

Am I still terrified? Ha. You bet I am. But as some of my close friends have put it, they have said, "Well, I would rather love and be hurt than to not experience those emotions at all. Yeah, it's a risk, but it's a risk worth taking." My desire for adventures and see great things stills exist, but I'm experiencing a new adventure in a relationship. It's a different kind of thrill than hiking to the top of a mountain and seeing an incredible view; it's one where your heart races when you hold hands for the first time or a smile escapes you after they try to cheer you up after a rough week. And when someone comments on my goofy happy smile when I talk about him, or I don't want his hugs to ever end, you get to a point of "Well, I guess I'm already pretty far deep into this adventure. Might as well see where it takes me."

My future seems a lot scarier, but each day, I take a step towards it, knowing the risk may be high, but I don't want to lose out on this adventure.