Running, Life, & Love

Here's something I wrote back in November. I really need to start finishing things I write. It's for all you runners, or just... anyone in general. Enjoy:

My breathing seems to create a rhythm with my foot steps. Step. Step. Huff. Step. Step. Huff. Sweat begins to trickle down the back of my neck as my body finally warms up in the cool air. It's quiet, except for the music in my ears coming out of my headphones. It keeps me distracted from the slow oncoming cramp in my side and the muscles in my feet complaining. The first mile always seems the hardest.

"Mom, how do you know when you're in love?"

She pauses.

The memory hits me as I bounce up and down by the light, waiting to run across. My head often goes off in various directions when I run. Heck. When I do anything. I tell myself to keep moving and not to lose momentum. Other runners come up behind me, also waiting for the light to turn. The walk sign appears. The light's green. I run.

"You... well. They're all you can think about. And you want to spend all your time with them," she says to my 16-year old self. "But... more importantly. You feel really good about who you are. And..." she kind of smiles, "They make you want to be a better person." She looks up at me, "I think that's mainly it. You feel so good about yourself, but at the same time, want to become better."

I reach the half way point: 1.5 miles. I turn around and begin running the last 1.5 miles I have to go.

Past relationships come up in my head and the words "Hannah I love you" in various voices echoes. Before, thinking about past relationships used to make my heart ache. A tear or two would escape as I thought about loves now lost and moments I couldn't get back. But now, I acknowledge their existence with acceptance: acceptance that they had to happen and yet, acceptance that they are now over with it. Acceptance that they were painful, but necessary. Like the cramp in my side that has eased away now, making it easier to keep running. Like my muscles that once screamed with pain, have now grown stronger and with new abilities to help me run.

Some men run by me and I inwardly wish I could run faster. I immediately pick up my speed, but quickly slow down, realizing I can not keep up that pace. They are training for something else, are a different person, with a different physique. Heck, they may have been doing this for a few years now, while a noob like me knows that I can't push myself too hard too fast. Maybe one day I will get there. But maybe not.

I remember when the people around me first started getting engaged. While I knew that wasn't for me at the time, I couldn't help but want to run alongside of them. I felt like they would be leaving for an far off island that single people weren't allowed to visit. They were going so far and so fast, and here I was, keeping my steady and even pace by myself. But I also had to remember, that they were also different people, with different lives and different stories. Right now, they were running in the direction towards marriage, while I was keeping my steady pace, building my stamina and muscles for a different story. Again, maybe one day I will sprint towards marriage, but maybe not.

Those runners turn off and I turn in a different direction. I glance back, looking at all those runners. I often want to know where they all are going; what trails they know about, how far do they run, and what equipment do they use. But I realize, that if I keep looking back, I'll trip and fall, or run into a tree, which I almost do. I turn my head back on my path, knowing where it is I want to go to complete my run. I have to focus on that, otherwise... I'll never finish my own run.

I see that I can't keep comparing myself to others. I can't keep looking around at who's dating, who's married, who has a job, who's moved to a far off country, who's serving God and how, who's wearing what clothes, and who's achieved what academic degree. Everyone is different and in different spots during their race and it's a completely different race than mine. If I keep glancing over at what they're doing, I'll just trip and fall.

Finally, I make it to the end. To my home. My steps come to a slow stop, and I look up, breathing hard. A smile slowly spreads across my face as the feeling of success and accomplishment pat me on the back, saying, "Job well done". It's those feelings that make you excited to go out and run again; to test and push yourself even farther. But for now, I will go inside and rest. Soon, I will go back out again, but now is the time to wait, rest, and recover. And that is also a vital part to running, and to life.