Trust Yourself

"Can I really do this?"

That's the one thought that keeps running through my mind, and it has been for the past year.

Can I really be a graphic designer?
Can I really be a photographer?
Can I support myself financially?
Can I stay friends with this person?
Can I live with this person?
Can I really be in a relationship with this person?
Can I really stay committed and true to my faith?

Can I really do any of this?

And for each question, my automatic response was "No". There's no way. I'm human and have limits. I have so many weak moments that I'm amazed I can get up and go through the day like I do. My talents and skills are limited and can only take me so far. Remember all those better designers and photographers? They can do it much better than me. Remember all those people who you have lived with and quarreled with? Remember all those failed relationships? Who's to say these will be any better? I'm definitely not good enough. And even if I am, then...  who..... who am I? Who am I to even take that position? Or be in that relationship? or be in the spot light? Who am I?

That right there is called: shame.

Part of me would tell myself "this is what it means to be humble": to not think you are greater than you really are; to not come across as cocky; to not think you are right all the time; and to not think that you actually have earned any sort of privilege at all.

But as I was mulling things over the other day, I realized that this isn't me being humble at all; humility is about not thinking of oneself. What humility is NOT is: beating oneself down into a pit that can't be crawled out of; to put yourself down all the time; and to hide in fear. By saying to myself "Who am I?", I instantly hindered myself from doing anything at all. I place myself in a land of fear and doubt, and scrape away any worth that I do have.

As I was mulling this over; I kept digging the pit digger and digger. "Can I really do this? No I can't. So many other people have failed. And what about me? Oh, I have so many weak moments. What if I do this? Or... I've definitely done this before. Surely, I can't really do this." The anxiety rose, dread began to engulf me, and I sat down at the bottom of my dark and dirty pit only staring at the ground, seeing no way out.

And that's when a little light broke through and I heard myself say, "Yeah, but what about you and your art? What about all the things you have done right? All the things you have pushed through? What about those moments? Those aren't from a weak willed spirit. Those are from the determined, strong, and loyal person that you are." And suddenly, I looked up from the bottom of the pit and began climbing out.

Memories began to flood my mind and I grasped onto them, like one who grabs the single line of golden rope he/she has to climb to get out of a hole.

Memories of struggling through art and photography, but still pushing myself to get better at it and not give up. Memories of endless drills, running, coaches yelling, and extra practices when I did sports. Sweating till I was drenched and breathless to the point of hyperventilating  but never wanting to give up. Memories of pulling all nighters at school, with constant revising over and over again, just to get the project nearly perfect. Times where I got down on my knees, with tears in my eyes, begging for forgiveness where I knew I had done wrong. And times where I stood up as everyone kept sitting down, and said, "I will not back down."

And then...

A memory of my mother looking at me when I was 16 and saying, "Hannah, you are quite capable. You're very smart and can probably take anyone down; just be careful on how you use that power; always aim to be the better person. You can do it." and I stood there dumbstruck, thinking, "Does.... she believe in me?" And from that moment on, I always went to my mom for advice and knew she loved me. I knew she would see me when I couldn't see myself.

And perhaps that's where I need to start directing my thoughts. I need to start believing in myself; believing that I am capable of things and have the ability to become the person who I want to be. Focused on the things I want to stand for and not how I may fail at them. I don't do anyone good by constantly doubting myself. Yes, I will have weak moments and still doubt, but now, I will try and not to focus on that (easier said than done) and try to believe and trust in myself. Believe and trust the person that God is creating me to be. Because really, it's not about me. It's about all the things I want to do and the principals I want to stand for. It's about what God can do through me, and if I live in fear and put myself down, then I'm putting down His abilities and work in me.

The question then changes from "Can I really do this?" to a "It doesn't matter. This is what I want to do." Here goes nothing.