Grateful for Anxiety Disorder

So, this is something that I thought I would never think, let alone say it out aloud:

I'm grateful that I have had an anxiety disorder the past year. 

Sounds crazy, right? I had the thought about a month ago in church. I was sitting and reflecting on things, digging deep into myself and I thought, "Man, I'm grateful that I've experienced such intense anxiety the past year." I say this because experiencing anxiety daily has made me dig deeper into my human heart than ever before. It's made me realize things about myself, people, behaviors, life, and God that can only come out of digging into the very fibers of yourself and asking intense and scary questions.

I wasn't really born with my anxiety. It began about a year ago, January 2011. Since then, I've dealt with anxiety daily, where my chest would tighten, my breathing would quicken, and my thoughts would race. I began understanding how fear was horribly crumbling. It kept me from connecting with people, doing the daily things I loved, and even connecting with God. Many times, I felt dehumanized. I just wanted to shut myself off from the rest of the world and be by myself and not care about anyone or anything. It was fear, making me withdraw and not trusting or loving a single thing.

I began going to therapy. At first, facing the anxiety was kind of hard. It felt like I was taking 2 steps forward, but 3 steps back. I'd make some kind of small realization, or improvement, but then a slew of other things would come my way. But I kept going, kept digging in deeper. A lot of it began with looking inside myself and just having a conversation with myself, doing a self-talk in a way. Then, when it came to my relationships with people, I began trying to open up and be honest. And many times, that meant I just had to say, "Look, I don't understand why, but I'm hurt. Please, just listen to me." Or just letting myself be myself, whether that's confused, sad, angry, or happy.

Ultimately though, my anxiety has made me face some of my deepest fears, serious faults within myself, and shame. But it's through that, that I can also turn to others and do my best to reach out to them in ways I couldn't before. I can love deeper from a place where I was never able to reach before within myself. And I can understand God's place in my life and see His love in other's in ways that I couldn't see before. My anxiety has made me face myself and look intensely into a mirror. It's made me understand how people function, how I function, and pursue genuine and honest relationships. Now granted, I don't understand everything, and don't plan to, but that's OK.

Ha. I guess that's the biggest thing is has taught me: It's OK.

It's OK to be upset. It's OK to be happy. It's OK to have limitations. It's OK to have talents. It's OK to have doubts. It's OK to be passionate. It's OK to be you. It's OK to be me.

It's OK to have an anxiety disorder.

It's OK because we're human beings and are an incredible beautiful mess. And again, that's OK. Because God still loves us either way. :)