We Digital People

Ironic I'm positing it, but I love it.

People Help The People

I really love this video:

People Help The People by Birdy

Your Faith Can Move God

Do you believe that God can truly do anything? 

I sat down and began to read my Bible this morning and was flipping through Matthew. I read Matthew 8 - 9 and came across stories that I knew pretty well: such as when Jesus cleanses a leaper, the faith of a centurion and his suffering servant, Jesus healing a paralytic and forgiving his sins, a woman bleeding for 12 years and being healed by Jesus and then Jesus healing a ruler's daughter, and then Jesus healing 2 blind men. 

As I read most of these stories, I saw a theme. Each person had a specific request of Jesus and each approached Jesus stating, "I know you can do this." And each time, Jesus did as they said. And he did so in a very specific way according to what they had said. 

I first saw it with the centurion with his great faith. He approaches Jesus and requests that Jesus heals one of his servants. Jesus says, "OK. I'll go." But the centurion presses on. "No, wait. I know I'm not worthy of you. I know that if you say he is healed right here and now, he WILL be healed at this very moment. I also have authority over people and know what a small amount of power is like." Jesus is surprised at this answer, but also pleased. He replies, "I haven't met anyone with faith like you." and then says "Let it be done for you as you have believed". And the servant is healed right then and there, just as the centurion had requested of Jesus. 

The next were with the woman bleeding for 12 years and the ruler's daughter. The bleeding woman ran after Jesus and thought, "If I just touch his garment, I will be healed". In Mark 5, it talks about how the instant she touched his garment, the blood dried up. Jesus felt his power leave him and turned to face the woman and told her that her faith has made her well. Again, it happened just in the way she believed it would happen. 

And with the ruler's daughter, the ruler exclaimed to Jesus that if Jesus just laid his hand on his daughter, she would be raised from the dead. When Jesus encounters the daughter, he picks up the daughter's hand with his hand and indeed, she becomes alive. Again, it was just as the ruler had believed.

It was with this story, that I saw the pattern of people specifically stating Jesus's power and him carrying through, just as they had stated. And these people didn't just say, "I WANT you to do this." or "I WISH you could do this."  They said to him, "I KNOW you can do this. I BELIEVE you can do this." I then thought, "God does as we believe He can do. And in a specific way too." 

My thoughts were then confirmed when I read the story of the 2 blind men. They approach Jesus and ask for mercy. Jesus asks, "Do you believe that I am able to do this?" They reply "Yes Lord". And he then says, "According to your faith be it done to you." 

After I read these passages, I was reminded that I need to continue to pray with faith that my Lord, God can do anything and be specific about my needs and my belief in his power. Many of us easily say, "God can do anything." But when it comes to actually asking God to do big and crazy things, we hesitate. We say, "But what if God does NOT do it? I'll be disappointed." That's when you just have to trust God that He knows what He is doing. But this can easily get into a whole other tangent about God's will and trusting in His faithfulness and wisdom. 

I want to stick to specifically talking about faith and asking God for big and specific things. We may be afraid that He won't do it, but that doesn't lessen your faith in that you KNOW He can do it. In my own personal life, some of my most powerful prayers were where I specifically stated, "God, I believe you can do this. I know you can do." And I often say, "I believe. I believe" over and over again. 

My first experience with prayer like this was when I was about in 4th grade. I actually remember reading a book that said, "If you just believe, anything can happen." So as a 11-year old, I gave it a shot. There was a festival at my school and the famous $50 dollar money tree was going to be raffled off. I always wanted to win it and just thought $50 was so much money as a 11 year old. So I bought about 10 tickets and put them in. There were 100s of other tickets already in, and I remember thinking, "OK. I believe I'm going to win. I really do. I believe." About an hour later, after certain performances, they announced they would be drawing the winner for the money tree. I remember bringing my knees up in my chair and bowing my head and saying over and over again, "I believe. I believe. I believe. God, I believe I will win. Come on God. They will pull a ticket with my name on it. I believe." I sat there for a few minutes, saying those words over and over again. They pulled out a ticket and....

I won. 

I was pretty excited and my whole day was made right then and there. I think ever since that moment, I walked away with something that was worth way more than $50. I walked away with a firm belief that if I just believed, anything could happen. 

Now as I've gotten older, praying like that can be hard to do and doubts seem to ran sack my mind often. But there are times, where I have prayed like that and it's an amazing and powerful experience. You just often have to reach down in yourself and find that source that says, "Anything can happen." It may feel child-like or you may even feel silly, but it's an important part of you. God put it there because He says, "I CAN make anything happen." When we put our faith and believe in God, He moves to action and can really move mountains and do just about anything.  

God Smacked Me Over the Head

I'll keep this pretty brief. It was a quick, but yet a powerful conversation with God.

It was as I was working on some planning with InterVarsity Christian Fellowship about the upcoming semester. My staff leader began asking me about my decision to apply for the InterVarsity internship. I told him my story about how I wanted more in life and as I analyzed myself and prayed about it and just thought over many things, I realized that while I devoted half my life to art, the other half was devoted to ministry. I'm fascinated with the art, but I feel like the thing that tugs at my heart is ministry. Devoting myself to other people and loving them in the way that Jesus does fulfills me like nothing else. And when I had prayed about it, I just felt like God say, "Why not? Just try it. Fill it out and see what happens."

So I filled it out. And it was quite an emotional and intense process. I reflected on myself and the past three years I've given to doing ministry. And even if I don't get the internship, I, myself got to acknowledge that I HAD poured myself into other people and to spreading God's love. Even if no one else agreed with me, I'd gotten to write down and see my own efforts and acknowledge them. And acknowledge my current efforts as well.

So back to the planning and conversation about why I chose to do the internship. As we talked, the conversation shifted to someone else and a different topic. And for some reason, some word triggered a thought that floated into my mind: 'What if they think I'm not suited for the job?' And with that one thought, an onslaught of other thoughts came: What if he thinks I'm ill prepared? What if he thinks my heart isn't in the right place? What if he thinks my reasons aren't good enough? What if I don't know my theology well enough? Crap, I don't think I answered that one question right or serious enough. No one will think I'm ready to be an intern. They'll all think I'm not qualified. Or that I'm naive.

And on and on the thoughts went.

I began to feel upset and then turned my thoughts to God. "Lord?" I said, "Am I not qualified? Will I not get the internship?" And that's when I got a frustrated reply:

"Why do you care if people think you're qualified or not?!?! Isn't it enough that I ASKED you to fill out the form? Isn't it enough that I chose you to do the job?!? Why are you so worried about what other people think about you?! They do NOT determine your worth. I DO!!!"

And a quote that I really like then floated into my head "God doesn't call the qualified. He qualifies the called." God then repeated, "It doesn't matter if you're qualified or not. Ready or not. It only matters that I asked you to do it. You had peace about whether you were to get the internship or not. Because you knew that I would be guiding you and that's all you cared about. Stop worrying about what others think of you. My voice and power reigns higher than anyone else. You will go where you need to be. I know you're willing to follow. So stop worrying. I will take care of the rest."

With that firm reprimand, I decided to stop thinking about what others thought of my decision to apply for the internship. I had to remember that while maybe the whole world could think I'm ill qualified for the job, if God told me to go, I would still go. And I may face obstacles by other people, and that may deter me here or there, but I want to go where God is leading me.

And if I'm honest, I feel like I have kept worrying about other peoples' opinion of me for a long time now. And I can honestly say, it's probably an attack by the devil. I'm not one to blame the devil for everything, but the way these thoughts sometimes shoot through my head, especially when I'm about to make a big commitment to God, are just too inconvenient. I remember when I was a young Christian, just starting out, I kept thinking, "These people will find out that I'm not as Christian as them. They'll find out I'm nowhere near on their level. I'm not a 'good Christian' like the rest of them."

Someone then had to confront me and say: "There's no such thing as a good Christian Hannah." 

When it comes to design, I sometimes think people find my designs ugly or unsatisfactory. People tell me over and over again though that I have a real talent.

At work, I remember thinking that I must be the only one who gets confused and frustrated with my boss. Am I just not understanding the work criteria? Am I just missing something? Do I just not get it?

My co-worker Andrew had to comfort me at one point and say: "Hannah, I don't always like the way you get treated at work. You're doing a great job and I hope I can help you out more often. I'm praying about it. All the things you're going through, we all go through too." A huge relief was lifted off my shoulders. I was finally able to take my work problems and just leave them at work. My inadequate performance wasn't due to mine own personal inability. I just still needed to find other solutions to make things work and continue to push myself. And if I still failed, then that was OK. 

And I suppose everyone goes through it. The doubts we have about everyday life. The fears we have to battle. I know for myself, I'm really hard on myself. If something doesn't go right, I blame myself right off the bat. I look at my own abilities and skills and say, "How did I mess this up? How could I improve?"  I actually have to learn to stop, and try to tell myself it's OK to mess up. And most of all, it's not my fault. Well, not entirely anyways. 

I feel as if God is continuing to tell me that it's OK to just be me. He knows I have faults and weaknesses, but He'll take care of those. My real worth comes from Him and Him alone. And God is the only person I want to be with. My heart yearns for him. He's polishing me right now so that when I get to be with him, I'll be a even more beautiful gem than the one he originally created. 

This post is longer than I thought it would be. It's messy and unorganized. I would apologize, but nah... this is just who I am. Take it or talk to the Lord about it. haha. 

Later. :)

My Messy Heart

Lately, there's just been too much to write about, yet not enough time to write down all my thoughts. I have several drafts of posts that I thought, "I could post this", but I never finished them. They all seem to have a similar theme, but at the same time, are separate on their own. But when I think about it, it all seems to come down to this realization:

My heart is tired and weary. My heart is full of fear and pride. My heart yearns to love and to sin. My heart judges and demands no judgement. My heart clings and pushes away. My heart is just a mess.

And my heart is incredibly hard to change.

I don't want my heart to be tired, I want it to jump for joy and run at full speed. I don't want my heart to have fear, I want it to feel confident in leaping over obstacles. I don't want to be prideful, but be able to walk humbly in life. I don't want to sin, or hurt people or judge them or push them away. I want to love them and to bring out the best in them.

And for some reason, I don't seem to be certain of anything. I think that stems for the tiredness and weakness. It makes you think, "Is this really right? Is this really what I wanted?" That questions has come up a few times this semester with my faith with God. After I have failed in so many areas, I look up with tears in my eyes and going, "Is this the life I chose? I don't know if I want this anymore. What if I step away? Will things get easier? It's so hard to follow you God."

It really isn't easy to follow God. People, even my own family, at times look at me like I'm crazy or odd. I've been accused of condemning people and looked at as foolish. I'm called to forgive where I want to be angry and bitter. I'm called to love when I'm tired and worn out. I try to encourage and push others in their walks with God, and they don't listen and just fall away. They say, "That's great for you Hannah, but I don't want to take it farther. I'm comfortable where I'm at." I get disappointed and my heart grows tired. People then continue to push me and I keep running, but I feel like I can barely breathe.

Yet, I keep running, and I turn to God and say, "You're worth it. No matter what happens, I will follow you. It may be hard, but that won't stop me. I'll keep going."

It is then though that I get attacked in other ways. A voice then comes in, "But you doubted! The other people don't doubt. They don't waver like you. How dare you waver?! You shouldn't call yourself a follower of God, let alone a leader. You better get your doctrine right and be unmovable before you go forward."  It's hard for me to combat that lie. At first, I tend to often believe it, comparing myself to others and thinking, "They don't doubt like I do. Something must be wrong with me. I shouldn't call myself a Christian."

I once heard that "Guilt is from the devil, and conviction is from God." And what I was feeling there was guilt. Guilt that I couldn't be stronger in my faith in God. Guilt that I wavered even for a bit and actually considered not following God. Guilt often feels likes you're drowning in endless thoughts and doubts, and just can't get out. Conviction often moves you to do something about it and tends to come with a sense of peace.

I would feel guilt about all sorts of things. Horrible thoughts and feelings toward people. My lack of knowledge. My lack of motivation. My judgement on them and lack of love and understanding.

With that, I had to remember that Jesus died on the cross. At times, I don't fully understand it, and then there are times where I think I begin to understand what really happened that day.

You see, yes I will doubt and reach my limit. Yes, I will make mistakes. And yes, I may become unloveable at times. But on that day, Jesus not only defeated death and sin, he defeated guilt, he defeated fear, he defeated every law that defines a "good person". It's because of his death that I don't have to walk around with guilt or fear of how I screw up. There's a God so much bigger than me that is in control.

And the most amazing and crazy thing about this God is that He KNOWS how horrible we are. He knows our hearts better than anyone. I read Psalm 139 (one of my favorite psalms), which talks about how well God knows us and how He's with us all the time. He knows our weaknesses and strengths, our fears and hopes, our victories and losses, our good jokes and bad jokes. And yet, He says over and over again, "You are totally worth saving and I want to be with you for eternity."

It is then that a love that defeats EVERYTHING is born. When you realize someone loves you more than anyone could ever love you or you could ever love yourself, you want to spread that love to others. You don't want to condemn your unbelieving brother, but hug him. You don't want to yell at people and accuse them of their crimes, but whisper gently about a savior that came two thousands years ago and said, "You're forgiven". It's a love that will stand up for the oppressed and reach out to the unwanted. It's a love that will fast from food for a day so that someone else can have a meal. It's a love that will be yelled at and spit in the face as it tries to love you and speak truth to you. It's a love that will be whipped, beaten and bruised so that you can have hope. It's a love that will wear a crown of thorns and carry a cross up a hill to be humiliated so that you can stand before God and say, "I want to be with you". It's a love that dies and rises again so that you do not have to fear death and can have a hope for life. It's a love that takes EVERYTHING YOU HAVE EVER DONE and says "I will bear it all so that we can be together."

1 John 4:16 says "God is love" and then in verse 19 says "We love because he first loved us." I really love that verse in the Bible. Go read 1 John 4/

And this love is constantly waiting to be with us. Day in and day out, we turn our backs on it and walk away, yet he waits for us. God knows that we will doubt and fail in so many ways. In Hebrews 12 and James 1, it talks about how God disciplines us and works to perfect our faith. He stands by our side as we doubt and are tempted and hangs onto us. He will not let go for he is faithful. He is God.

That's where I need to start drawing my strength from. I will get beaten down and down again, doubt and fear, but there is something so much bigger than me that calls to me. I am a human and he is God. He is where I will rest and take refuge. He is where I will draw my worth and strength from and while it will get difficult, I have to trust that He will not let go. I'm in the palm of his hands my future is with him.

A View from A Creator

So I've really discovered that I just like to make things. I mean, I knew this before, but lately, it seems to become more and more prominent in my life. I've taken a car hub cap and turned it into a clock, painted old orange juice containers and made them into vases, and well... I'm an art major, so when am I NOT making something?

This urge to create things has spilled into cooking as well. Now, it's not like I never had a desire to cook. There were just no urges on my part and in the past few years, I didn't really have my own kitchen to use to cook. And even then, I was trying to save money on food and spend as little as possible. And with my busy college life, cooking a meal just never seemed to fit in. But now, I really desire to cook and to do it well. There's a couple of reasons for this.

One is that I really miss having family dinners and I enjoy people coming over and eating together. I wanted to be able to cook for people and have them come over and enjoy the food I made, or even we made together. I did it a few times over the summer and loved sitting around a table with good food and friends. It just warms my heart.

Second, I have many friends who love to cook and watching them and observing what they did, I finally decided to give it a shot myself. Over the summer, I watched my friend Kim cook here and there, my friend Adam and I have cooked together a few times, and I've often seen my friend Kara make all sorts of things and she inspires me to try tons of new recipes and points me in the right direction.

So with this inspiration and a desire to bring people together, I began cooking more and more on my own. Now, I'm no pro at all. Just dabbing here and there and reading all sorts of random recipes online, trying to figure out what to try to make. But as I was cooking a few nights ago, I realized how much I was enjoying myself. It wasn't an ecstatic "YES!", but more of a calming and soothing feeling as I cooked. My friend Maju was coming over for dinner and he cooks all the time, so I was hoping to please him with my cooking skills, and my sister was also coming home soon for dinner. For that full hour, I was absorbed in cooking the vegetables and rice and chicken, and setting up the table, and even making some hummus and cutting up apples. And at the very end, I was just happy that I was going to get to eat it and that I was using the ingredients in my own home. I was making something for me and it was going to be something I enjoyed. This is something that doesn't always happen that often. As an art major, a downside is that I'm always making things for everyone else, and not really for me or something that I'm even proud of. It's a hard dilemma I've come across lately.

Anyways, I just really enjoy being engulfed in a process of creation. From cooking to artwork, there's just something so exciting and often calming about the whole process. And it's especially awesome when you have complete freedom to do whatever you want in the process. You get to pour a piece of yourself into the work.

There was a brief instance the other day when I was working on a group project and had to draw a room we were designing. It started off as a basic, simple perspective drawing, but there was a moment where I sat back and looked at it. And an excitement that I hadn't experience in a while rose up. I was excited about this piece of work and looking forward to how it would turn out. I was happy and curious as I stared at my drawing, and I couldn't wait to see what it would turn out to be.

I often imagine this is just a tiny spec of how God felt when he began creating us. From the moment He began to imagine us in his mind, a sense of excitement and deep love began to grow. As someone who makes things all the time and puts a lot of time into pieces of art, I know the feeling of love and ownership one feels towards a piece of work quite well. The excitement you feel when you begin the piece, as you become engulfed in the process, and look at the finished piece, yet knowing that no art is ever quite perfect, but loving it all that much more. A piece of you is with that work. And to people who often look at art, you really do see the person's personality come out of the artwork.

I love creating and making things. Whether it's cooking, artwork, putting a bookshelf together, etc. There's jut something I love about being engulfed in a process and putting all of my mind and energy that leads to something completely new. This is one of the best ways I relate to God, the first and best artist and creator of them all. I can only begin to imagine the time and energy he spent on us and how much love he feels towards us.

To My Husband

So I've seen other girls write letters to their "future husbands" before and I never quite understood it. Why write a letter to someone you don't know? Do you really dream about finding your husband that much? But recently, I've wanted to write a letter to my future husband, a man I don't know and may never know. I honestly may be single for the rest of my life and never have a husband. I don't know how things will go. But if I do get married one day, and take on the challenge of marriage, I hope I can love my husband in these ways. I also know that I won't be easy to love at all. Best of luck to my husband there. And while this is a letter to my husband, it's more so goals/things to strive for when I'm a wife. Marriage is going to be hard, and I have to commit to loving someone else, even if it I don't enjoy it at the moment. So here it goes:

Dear honey-bunches of oats,

I hope you have a good sense of humor, otherwise this marriage will be really hard. I didn't say "short" because I don't want to be married for a short while. I want to be married to you for as long as I live on this planet in this human form. I'm not here to get married over and over again, just once. And guess what? You're the lucky man. Yes, I said "lucky". Shut up, don't give me that look.

Anyways, here we go. I don't know your name, but I hope that I can love you well. I'm loving you right now, whoever you are, because I'm waiting for you. You're the only man I want to have sex with, you're the only man who I want to sleep next to, you're the only man who's face I want to see when the sun rises. You're the only man I want to have children with, the only man I want to talk with everyday, and the only man that I want to share a life with together and pursue God together. I want to pray with you, talk with you, laugh with you, and cry with you. I want to hold your hand and give you great big hugs. I want to read the Bible with you. I want to pray for you, as I'm praying right now for you and our kids. I want to go to church with you and be able to hold your hand as we worship God together.

I'm not that great of a cook, but I'll try. If you can cook, great. If not, well.... give me a little while longer as I begin to perfect my techniques. I hope I can cook you meals that you'll enjoy.

I really love dogs, so please don't be allergic. If you are, I'll deal going dogless. But you then have to watch all sad dog movies with me and put up with me as I rattle on about doggies.

Husband, you're going to get old, fat, and maybe even go bald. I will do my best to still love you to the best of my abilities despite all that. I'll call you handsome and say you're the best looking man to me. Can I also rub your bald head for good luck?

Husband, you're going to forget my birthday or an anniversary, and I'll do my best to forgive you. You'll forget to call or a promise you made, but I'll do my best to look past it and still love you.

Husband, there are going to be times where you lose your temper and I'll do my best to be patient with you and try to not take it personally. I will still love you.

Husband, we are definitely going to disagree on many things. We're probably going to fight or argue, but despite all that, I will still love you.

Husband, no matter what you do, I will do my best to support you. From being a garbage man to a politician, from a janitor to a rock star, from a hobo to a doctor, no matter what, I will love you.
(But I'll also do my best to call you out when you're being lazy and need to go do something too.)

Husband, you're going to get sick and may be cranky, but I will do my best to still love you and try and take care of you too.

Husband, there are times where you may have to go far away for work or other reasons, but no matter how far apart, I will still love you.

Husband, you might one day cheat on me, and while that will hurt a whole lot and I will be very angry and upset, I will do my best to still love you.

Husband, you're going to say and do stupid things. I will still love you. (I may laugh at you too. Just a warning)

Husband, I will do my best to love you, and I will do my best to love God even more than you.

And hunny, I will need God's help in our marriage. I can only love you so much. But I know with God, that His love will pour into me and hopefully will also reach you. In the many moments where I'll fail as a wife, I pray that God will step in and help my heart to love you even more, just like God loves the both of us. Love you even now.

Your wife,
Hannah

~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Pft. It's weird saying "wife". I don't think I'm ready to say that for a long while.