So this is ME

I'm not making any promises, but I'm going to try and be a bit more consistent with this blog thing. I don't know. We will see. I feel like it may be good for me. Who knows. But I do know that I need to let out emotions and create something with those emotions, whether it involves words or pictures. It's probably one of the most frustrating things as an artist to have the urge to create but not know what to make or continue on creating things that are not satisfying. I hate that. But I hope that what I will create on here will be satisfying to me. Maybe not beautiful, maybe not wonderful, but satisfying to my heart and soul. And it has to be for me. Not for you. Not for him or them, but for me. Sorry. I'm going to be selfish and do this for me. :) For once in my life. ha.

Well, first I have to start off with letting you guys getting to really know me. Shall we start with a few confessions and fears? Yes, I think that will suffice.

I have a fear of letting God down. Disappointing Him. Him getting fed up with me and my human ways that He's going to say, "Really? You STILL don't get it? Psh." And then he'll turn his back on me and the most important being in my life will disappear.

I fear being rejected by people. I fear that they'll get annoyed by me, get mad at me, frustrated with me, disappointed by me, letting them down, them thinking I'm weird and stupid, and just plainly not like me. Some of you may laugh and say "Oh, how silly Hannah. Everyone loves you!" or "Well forget them. Then they aren't worth your time." But I'm just saying, the fear is there and within me.

I fear being rejected by a man. I fear that I will find a man and he will say to me, “You are just way too needy for me. You are just way too much for me to handle. Weaknesses? You shouldn’t have those. Fears? Please. Those are irrational. You want to be treated special? You aren’t special enough for me to work for you. You’re not funny enough. You’re not interesting enough. You’re not beautiful enough. You’re not smart enough. You’re just not enough of these things. And your fears and worries are too much for me to handle.” Yeah....

I fear myself and my inability. I fear that all my goals and dreams that I have that I won't be able to accomplish them and realize that I'm not skilled enough or talented enough or didn't think things through enough.

And these are my fears and confessions. I'm facing them head on and not running away from them. I know I have Jesus and he can take any burden and fear that I have, but I also have to face them. I have to give grace to myself and say that IT IS OK TO NOT BE PERFECT. In fact, it's perfectly fine to be a broken down and scared human being. I don't have to have it all together. I don't have to be happy all the time.

In fact, it's OK to let people know that I'm a big sap and romantic that cries when she watches sad dog movies and at the Pokemon movie. No, I don't cry watching The Notebook or whatever. I cried when Marley died in Marley & Me and held my dog Hank close to me, asking him to never leave me. I love watching anime and reading manga. Yes, that is my comic book nerdy side. The Japanese are cool and I love sushi. I'm fascinated with how nutrition and the body work that I read on Yahoo all sorts of things about working out and how hormones like melatotin help you sleep and how your frontal cortex isn't fully developed to you're 25. I enjoy God and am fascinated with the way life works, from small coincidences to huge miracles. I watch a sunset and think it's beautiful. To me, almost every person has value and is beautiful, except for the ones that tick me off. I love wolves and adore them because they are so cute, but also because they are very independent creatures but also travel in packs. They value family and loyalty, and that is one reason why I wish I could be one. I enjoy hiking and working out, but get bored quickly, so I have to change up my routine. I want to live poorly and on as little money as possible, because it seems fun to me. I mean really, do we need furniture? I want to live with a mattress and an empty living room and see what happens. I'm sporadic and spontaneous and my thoughts are all over the place as you can see from reading this. BUT THAT IS OK!!

I also dream about flying through the sky, making all sorts of friends and making fun music videos. I have an incredible amount of strength and am a fighter and stubborn and do not like to quit. But I also have a soft, underbelly, and fear being rejected and hurt and am sensitive to people. I can often detect the slightest changes in behavior and speech and begin to wonder if something is wrong with that person or between me and that person. (This only recently developed and it's kind of annoying b/c I feel like it makes me worry more than I have to.) I love reading fantasy and fiction novels because it feels like I get to escape from reality for a brief instance. Yet, I also love philosophy and ideas and can often see the argument form both sides. I'm idealistic and want everyone to be happy. Yet, I'm also selfish and want to do things my way and be in control somewhat. I enjoy drawing, but get frustrated if it doesn't turn out right. I love basketball and softball, and love the feeling of being on a team. I love the feeling of making a three pointer or throwing someone out at first or second base. I love photography and the way you can capture so much emotion in one image.

And I absolutely love talking about deep and philosophical ideas. I want to be able to go around and around with someone as we talk about deep things and then just goof around and go to quirky silly things, whether we're talking about baby gibbons or scheming world domination. I love quotes and read a bunch of them all the time. They say so much in so few little of words and pack quite a punch. I actually don't like being a white person, but have learned to come to accept it and be proud. I dislike rich, white people and sometimes find myself judging them, but am trying to work past that. I'm fascinated with other cultures and adore them and they're different ways and practices at life. I love serving God and people, both helping them spiritually and physically and emotionally. You must help the WHOLE person and not just one part. I hate spicy foods, but love ice cream and chocolate. If ice cream was a man, I'd marry it. I love saying weird things like that to catch people off guard. I'm hilarious when I'm tipsy, but have never been drunk and don't really want to be drunk. I'm short and proud and am learning to love my looks and accept how I dress and how I appear to others.

I love laughing and smiling and making others laugh and smile. I love my family. My brother is great, my sister is compassionate and loyal, my mom is amazing, and my father is a loving goofball. I'm talented in many ways and do really good at school. Yet, I procrastinated like it's going out of style, and I'm starting to think I do it to make school more fun and interesting for myself. I get good grades, but don't really care about school that much. It's more of a fun challenge and puzzle to me that I use to test myself and make life somewhat interesting. Other than that, who gives a crap.

I want to get married. I want to marry an amazing man that's a cross between an old school, gentlemen type to a relaxed, fun loving man. I want him and even others to want to know almost every part of me. To know my thoughts and feelings and emotions and to accept them and be happy that they got to know another aspect of me. I want my husband and I to feel like a team; like we can take on the world together. I want to honor God with him even better than when I'm by myself. When people are around us, they feel good and accepted because they feel the love between us and flowing from us to them. I want someone to be open enough to go on adventures with me, but also be the one to pull me back and bring me back to reality when need be. I want to be wanted and be made a priority. I want a partner to take on the crazy adventure of life. And I want to love someone and be there for them and make a joke when they're sad and see them smile. I want to accept the good and bad qualities in them and inspire them to be a better person, like they do with me. I want a man I can go to church with and hold his hand as we listen to the sermon together. I want kids, especially a little boy. I want to teach that little boy on how to become a man that respects women and will be responsible and honorable around others. I want a dog. I'd love a wolf, but a siberian husky is next. If not, just give me a german shepherd or something. I just want a doggie.

I love God. To me, believing in Him is like breathing. I remember talking to him from a very young age, and while I didn't always follow him, I still talked to him. Jesus pops up in my head and we have great conversations. He tells me he loves me and has been and always will be there for me. I only became a Christian about 2 years ago, in my freshmen year of college and it has been a crazy ride since then. I'm starting to think college is that part of your life where you begin to discover yourself and define who you are. And while college is amazing, it's also extremely hard and will be one of the most frustrating times of your life. School will suck at times, friends will disappoint you and hurt you, your family dynamics often change, and the real world begins to knock at your door. But as you go through some of the lowest of lows, you'll experience some of the highest of highs and gain so much knowledge and wisdom, that you can go back home and share things with your parents that even surprise them and make them think. Suddenly, the world becomes fascinating and small and big all in one. Your views on life and on people change and you sometimes don't know how to handle it. But that's OK.

It's OK to be you. It's OK to be me. It's ok to change. And it's OK to not be OK.

This is me. This is me after having a very hard year and still processing through it all. I sometimes don't even really know myself. And it's hard to love yourself or to even accept grace when you don't know who you're loving or accept grace for. And you'll probably never fully know yourself, but that's OK too. Just begin somewhere. Begin somewhere and let God's love and the love for yourself change you. Accept who you are and enjoy it. Accept your mistakes and regrets and see how they're making you a bigger and better person. Regrets are only regrets if you are currently not happy with your situation now. But if you are somewhat decently happy, then don't regret anything. Learn from it and move on.

This is me. If you don't like it, then don't tell me. Ignorance is bliss and I'm choosing bliss right now. If you do like it, then say so. Let's say positive things to one another and start creating good karma. Start loving each other like Jesus did for us.

So yeah. This is me. Happy? I'm starting to become so.

bye. :)

Seriously now...

OK. Seriously now...

I really do love food.

Today was a pretty good day for me. It started off with some frustrations, and then once I called about 15 of my friends and vented to all of them, I felt much better. haha. Well, better after one of them dropped by to hang out with me a bit. He even bought me lunch and cheered me up. OK. So I guess it's really friends and food that make life so grand. I mean, what can be better than eating a delicious, tasty meal and having good company to enjoy it with? Things are a lot more fun when you have someone to enjoy them with. And this good friend of mine was great company.

I then got to relax at home a bit and start a little bit on my homework. It was nice. I then got to see a bunch of my friends at Large Group and have fun there. AND then, I got a free oreo milk shake and shared with a few dear friends. It was tasty. Again, food and friends make the world oh so grand.

That's the message of my post: Food and friends make the world grand. One is good, but both at once is better. So, if you don't have one or the other, then you better get on it. You're missing out.

Woot.

FOOD

I.

Love.

Food.

The end.

4 Boys

There are 4 boys.

Four boys that entertain me in the wee hours of the night.

Four boys that make totally inappropriate comments.

Four boys that make me laugh.... sometimes.

Four boys that feed me when I'm dirt poor and have had nothing to eat.

Four boys that feed me even when I have eaten.

Four boys that walk me home at night.

Four boys that I sometimes have to walk home at night.

Four boys that never seem to leave Nate alone.

Four boys that are extremely nerdy.

One boy left to go poop.

One boy touched the other boy's nipple.

One boy continues to stare at his computer.

Four boys.

One Me.

Oh crap.

A Dedication to Nick Klein

I remember the phone call so clearly.

I was at a 21st birthday party and my phone began to ring. I looked down at the phone and saw that it was my mom. I quickly excused myself and went outside. When I picked up, she said, "I just wanted to let you know that the other night, Nick Klein died." I froze. I took in a deep breath and said, "What? But..." My mom replied, "I know. I'm still in shock. But yeah, Nick died." I had to stop the tears from flowing right there so I could hear the rest of the story. We talked about the Klein family, and what I had heard recently about Nick. I brought up a few memories and we both expressed our shock of the whole situation. My mom told me when the funeral was and she said, "You don't have to go, but -" I instantly cut her off, "I'm going Mom. I'll be there." It felt right. I felt like I needed to pay my respects to a dear friend and go visit a life and people that I hadn't seen in years.

I remember crying a little bit as I stood outside the restaurant. I had so many mixed feelings. I had to get back to the party, but at the same time, I wanted to just sit outside and cry. I collected myself a bit, and went back to the party. My attitude was definitely a bit different, but I did my best to stay cheerful.

That night, I cried for Nick. I remembered all the times we played as kids together, all the times we carpooled together, how we used to go to the park and Nick would always skate ahead because he was much better at roller blading than I was. Since I was such a tom boy, I'd pull Nick's hair sometimes, because that was his weakness and I could always make him cry for mercy. When his and his brothers came in, Nick usually marched in first, and the other 3 followed suit. Nick and I would tease our younger siblings and we played video games together often. As far as childhood friends, Nick was it for me.

But as we got older, we began to go our separate ways. Nick began to be interested in girls and start dating, and I was more about just playing sports and having fun. And soon, I just went to a totally different high school altogether, and didn't see anyone again for quite a while.

The funeral was heartbreaking. I just remember sitting there, thinking, "Nick should be here. Why isn't he here? He should be here." There were times where the tears would just stream down my face and my mom would hand me a tissue to quickly wipe away my tears. The hardest part though was watching the casket go down the aisle. I could barely stand there as I watched the box that held my friend's body go past me. It was the final goodbye for me. 'Goodbye Nick' I thought, and with that, he was gone.

The last time I had talked to Nick was about a month or two ago. It was before I left for Chicago. We talked on Facebook about how we should meet up again and hang out like we used to as kids. I told him how I never smoked weed before and he was like, "Really? Well, you should. I'll do it with you Hannah." I laughed, thinking I probably won't ever smoke weed, but Nick's offer was funny and how I just wouldn't mind hanging out with him again. He told me about his addictions and down spiraling emotions. I urged him to hang in there and that I had his back and if I could help, I would. He said he appreciated the comments and was glad he could talk to me again.

I remember Nick now because I posted a Facebook status about my annoying car insurance extravaganza. I saw how many people liked it and thought, "I bet Nick would like this status. I wonder when he'll like it." But I caught myself. Nick wasn't here to like the status. My heart filled with grief for a moment and a tear fell down. I talked to a friend about it and she said, "I bet Nick likes it from heaven Hannah." That thought made me smile. Yeah, I bet he likes it from heaven.

So here's to you Nicholas Patrick Klein. Here's to all our carpool rides, our silly jokes, our brother & sister relationship, the way we teased and made fun of each other the way kids do, the way you always ran ahead of me on your bike or rollerblades or scooter, the times we went swimming together, and so much more. Rest in peace bro. I know you're in a better place now. You were a great guy. Thanks for everything.

How do you get to "Balance"?

I feel like I'm swaying from one extreme to the next.

First extreme: Become the social justice advocate of a life time. Start going to rallies, protesting, reading up on things, and working to make a change.

Second extreme: Go back to my complacent lifestyle and just stop giving a crap.

Third extreme: Become the bible thumping evangelist that begins yelling at people about Jesus.

I'm not sure where the third extreme came from, or if I'm even dealing with that. But I feel like it's something I do think about. Hm...

So, after my experience in Chicago, I came back wanting to make a difference. I came back wanting to change my lifestyle and the way I did things. I realized the things I wanted differently in our chapter on my campus. There were/still are many things I had now decided to work on and change. Yet.... there seemed to be a lack of motivation from the people around me. They gave me, "Mmmm... that's nice," and went on their way. Others did give me support. Then there were those that said, "This is just the way things are. Just deal with it." That was hard to hear, especially from my own parent.

With all of this, resentment, bitterness, and a spirit of condemnation towards others came over me. I wanted everyone and everything to change. And I wanted to get to it now. Or at least... start getting to it. I began seeing so many problems with the world and the people in it, and even the church, that I was beginning to feel fed up and just plain angry.

These feelings scared me.

I felt like one of those angry nuns that you see whacking kids with rulers and telling them that their sinful nature will get them no where and that they're going straight to Hell. I hated those people and thought, "That's not like Jesus at all." They were the people that would turn me off from religion and God.

So I realized that I needed to begin to humble myself. I needed to just calm down and relax. So for the past few days, I've been sitting around, watching anime with my brother. It's been pretty swell, I won't lie. It's beginning to calm my down and I'm beginning to feel more positive about things.

Yet, this positivity and laziness made me feel like I was becoming who I used to be. I wasn't giving a crap anymore about the issues I had learned about and actually considered ignoring them and just going on with my life.

But then I remember, "My God demands justice. Something needs to be done. I can't ignore these issues. But then........ but...... will following after justice turn me into a monster?" I was scared and didn't know what to do. I saw that my passion for social justice could possibly turn me into a hateful monster and I got scared. That's not what God is about. I should want to change the world, but not grow to hate it or condemn it all the time. Jesus didn't do that and he had every right to.

So, I guess I've been lying here for a while asking, "Where's the balance?" Where's the balance between caring for issues and also just remembering to enjoy life every now and then? Where's the balance between being frustrated with the world, but at the same time loving it, the way Jesus loved it so much, he died for it. I can't be angry at everyone for not doing what I think "their part" should be. I should love them, no matter what and believe that whatever I do, it is for them and because I love them. I should be lamenting for the world and crying out to God to change things and to guide me and show me how. How can I personally work to make a difference? My personal testimony in itself can make a difference.

I guess this can be my prayer to God. It's a prayer we don't say very often, but I think God needs to hear it either way.

Lord, I'm confused. I need your help buddy. Just.... guide me. Love ya. Amen.

So there's that, I'm confused and working to find balance. Wish me luck.

The Last Update from Chicago

Today is my last day of work. And I’m kind of bummed.

Yesterday, the staff at Grace & Peace Community Center made us a Puerto Rican lunch and it tasted FANTASTIC! One of my favorite items was alcapudias. It’s made out of plantains and meat and some other stuff. It tasted so good. I’m a fan of Puerto Rican food. And also Colombian. And then I’ve had cemitas and tortas from the Mexican restaurants here. Oh man! I’ve had so many different types of food here, and each culture makes it a little bit differently.

During the lunch, the staff said how grateful they were on how we have helped for the past few weeks and how we have truly been a blessing. Emotions began welling up in me that I hadn’t even realized were there before. Even though I’ve been serving them here at Grace & Peace, I feel like I have received much more. Watching these people follow God and be a true blessing to the community has inspired me to do the same thing when I go back home. I’ve learned so much from these people and I’ll truly miss them.

I’ll try to summarize my week: We took a tour on Saturday of a church in La Villita and learned a lot about the community and the way politics and church can work together, but also have to be separate. The church we visited had a boxing ring on the floor below the sanctuary, which was awesome. We were supposedly also on the Latin King gang territory, which is supposedly one of the largest gangs in the nation. It has about over 1,000 members nationwide. My jaw dropped.

On Sunday, we brought dinner over to a Mexican family and just hung out with them. I mostly played with the kids. They kept calling me “Hannah Montana” and then laughing. But once I got the game “I Spy” going, they quickly got wrapped up in the game and kept asking me what was next. The family was really nice, and again, we had to use our broken Spanish and hand signals to communicate with some of the family members. The dad spoke English though and he would translate a lot.

As for the past week at work, I’ve been sorting through clothes in order to keep some for the shelter/apartment place we have here for women who have suffered from domestic violence and then the rest would be given away to the community. I work with Jordan, a 16 year old boy, who lives in the area and is doing community service. I ask him a lot of questions about the gangs and just life in the inner city. He says things like, “Well, I gotta dress good to keep my swag. I don’t wanna be lookin all huff and all.” FYI, huff means “lame”. I also learn a lot of new terminology from Jordan as well. Lol.

I’m going to miss my roommates, the other teams, and all the people I’ve met here. We all have grown pretty close and I’ve really enjoyed meeting them. I plan on keeping in touch with a lot of people here. Even though it’s only been 5 weeks, we all have gone through some intense emotional experiences and understanding God’s love for the inner city and justice. We’ve been studying the book of Amos and man, that book is amazing. It’s definitely grown to be one of my favorite in the Bible. While it’s been an intense study, each of us goes in and says, “Are you ready to get emotionally torn apart and have Amos ruin our lives?” Then we all laugh. I believe it’s because while Amos and just CUP in general tears up emotionally and mentally, we really see the value in all and hunger for more of it. We have a retreat this weekend where we get to spend more time with each other and say our goodbyes. Once the retreat ends, CUP is over.

I’m also excited to go back home to Arizona and see my family and friends there. I feel like a different person and I always keep asking God that the change that He has made here in me continues and that I don’t forget what I’ve learned here. I already see that happening as I have applied for an internship down in Tucson that has a lot of programs that out reach to the community. I’m praying that I get it and that God will continue to open my eyes to the world around me.

So, here’s to the trip! There’s more to tell, but I only have so much time. Thank you for your prayers and encouragement. I arrive back in Arizona on Monday and will be hitting the ground running with all that I have to do once I get home. So I hope to see you soon!

Bye!