What does it mean to be beautiful?

It's one of those mornings where I have to get down on my knees and pray. The words and emotions from a blog post I had just read echo in my mind: "I just wanted to be loved and accepted. I wanted to be beautiful. I wanted to be in control of something." And the way the woman did it was through bulimia and overdosing on laxatives because she was so scared to gain weight, even a measly 5 pounds. So she ended up in the hospital, barely escaping death. I was nearly brought to tears.

And yet, a fear then ran through me as I empathized with the woman and saw similar struggles.

I have to get on my knees and ask for help and forgiveness of my own similar desires. It's normal to want to be beautiful and feel like you belong. And yet, I have also believed the lies that to be thin is to be beautiful. To look a certain way means that then I will be loved and accepted.

Now, I must admit I'm nowhere near developing an eating disorder, but my weight and body do weigh on my mind from time to time. I sometimes check the scale, fear that the number will be higher than last. I look at other women and see how flat their stomachs are and how thin their arms are and I begin to dislike my body. Even though I've been told countless times "Hannah, I wish I had your body" or "You're beautiful just the way you are", I don't believe them or let it slide off because I fear that it will change one day and so I have to keep pushing and watching so that NEVER happens. So that I can always be beautiful and loved.

I know I'm not the only woman who deals with this. Almost every woman I know deals with body issues and the desire to be beautiful.

For me, I love being active: running, biking, hiking, dancing, sports, etc. are all activities I enjoy. I even realize that I sometimes need to be active for my emotional state. When it's been a rough day, a good run or jiu jitsu practice can calm the raging storm and I feel more at peace once again and can think clearly to deal with the issue. I started working out a bit more seriously recently due to more time on my hands and my desire to get better at jiu jitsu. Honestly, I was tired of getting injured and wanted to find a way to get stronger and better at my game. I wanted to be able to put up a better fight with the people I practiced with (especially since 95% of them were men who were bigger than me) and saw that I needed to get stronger and take care of my body.

And yet suddenly, after a few weeks of being in better shape and seeing the improvements in my body, I began to fear that I may lose it. I began to lose sight of the main reason why I wanted to be in good shape in the first place. Suddenly, it's a number of calculating calories and going for a random run just to make up for those cookies you ate after lunch.

My goals are to be healthy and strong. I want to feed my body the right kind of foods and exercise it in the way that makes it feel good and keeps it working well. I want to do it because I want to live long and happily. Taking care of my body is a responsibility.

And yet, to be beautiful doesn't mean I have to be thin or have the right hair color. For me, I want to be the beautiful person that when people are around, they feel loved and can seek comfort in. I want to make them laugh and feel better about life when things are hard and down. And I can be THAT beautiful person whether I weigh 30 pounds heavier or lighter. Yes, my metabolism will slow, my skin will sag, and my hair will grow gray. But in the end, I can work towards a more everlasting beauty and seek my love from the One who matters, who tells me that no matter how I physically look, I am still wonderful and beautiful in His eyes.

What kind of things you have started with the right intentions that have turned down a more fearful and anxiety ridden path?