I want to write about a small precious moment. You probably know them well. They are usually sought out, very conscious moments. And other times, you are swept off your feet, struck by it and filled with a wonder. For me, today, this moment was a conscious one; one that I sought out and knew to be good. And then... I was swept off my feet and my own definition of "good" didn't suit the moment one bit.
Today, I'm traveling; on my way to Hawaii, passing by other travelers, all with different stories and destinations. First, I had to head to Los Angeles, where I'm currently at this very moment. I've been exhausted most of the day and I have a headache. Blah. So in reality, I'm not feeling very "good" at all.
I get on the plane, and it lifts off, and flies into the sky. I had given up my window seat to a young woman, probably about my own age. The instant we get into the sky and get above the clouds, I regret my decision as I look out past her and through the window. The clouds. The blue sky. They're incredible.
I wish I could get closer, take out my camera and get a picture. Yet, I know the picture wouldn't be able to capture the moment. The small window of the plane is only giving us a small needle-eye hole into an ocean of beauty. I automatically want to jump through the hole and into the sea of wonder and clouds. But the voice over the intercom reminds me I'm on a plane, stuffed between too many human beings, and having to obey the laws of gravity.
The plane ride is mostly uneventful, thankfully quick and short. I bring out my book and read a few pages, hoping some of the drama will pick up soon within the novel. And before I know it, we're told that we will be landing shortly. Good news indeed. And then I look out the window again to see Los Angeles. I think, "I better get one good look of those clouds while I still can." And that's when my breath is cut short and I'm suddenly swept off my feet into that precious moment of wonder.
The first thing that came to my mind was a beautiful painting. The kind where the sky is lit up by a heavenly glow and streams of light fall through the clouds. Blues, purples, and yellows melt together into a wonderful harmony of colors that reaches into your soul. I think of those moments in the movies where they show "heaven", and people are up in the sky. Well, I don't blame theme for choosing such a background for a place. I can't help but marvel at the incredibly beauty of it all. In my mind, I'm trying to decide if the clouds look like a soft layer of fur that you would love to roll in and wrap around your body. But yet, when I stare at the soft yellow clouds, I realize they could also be related to a gentle white landscape of fresh fallen snow. It's that white and serene up here.
We had arrived at the perfect time. The sun was just setting, making it possible to see such a scene. I look at the other side of the plan and out their window. Beautiful, but not quite the same. I glance back at our window. I still wish I could at least attempt to photograph the moment. To capture the intense elegance and grandeur of the moment. But alas, I'm not in the window seat, and the small window wouldn't be able to truly display what I see and know the scene to be. So I have to be content and capture as much detail into my human memory as possible of the moment. The girl and I barely tear our eyes away from the window, both enraptured by the clouds and sky. Eventually, we descend into the clouds and the scene is gone. I'm on the ground, wanting to be back up into the sky.
It's these moments that I must hang onto. I'm about to board the plane to Hawaii. The sun has set and I'm only left with the night and its own sky to travel through. I wish I could see such a scene again. But, alas, the sky and clouds are never constant, always changing. So I must be content with this memory of the moment. Those moments where you wish to fly and believe that heaven is not only possible, but going to be breath-taking. Yes. I love those moments indeed.
Sunday, December 30, 2012
Monday, December 17, 2012
Loneliness & Love
What does it mean to be loved?
That's a question that's been on my mind for quite some time.
Since I graduated college, I've been spending much more time alone. It's been weird as I come home to an empty apartment and begin to figure out what I want to do for the evening. Sometimes, I rejoice in the solitary, happy that it's just me and that I get to do whatever I want in the moment. But other times, it gets quite saddening. You would like to talk to someone about your day, yet no one is around. You put a movie on and laugh and giggle at the funny parts, but yet, hearing your own laughter by itself seems odd and not quite what it should be. You lay your head on your pillow in your silent apartment, and right before you close your eyes, you stare out into the darkness, wishing you had someone to say 'Good night' to.
These are the moments I have. Like I said, I tend to go back and forth, happy for some chance to be by myself, and yet, still wishing someone was present. It happens to the best of us. And I also hear that this is quite common after college; that as a working adult, hanging out with people becomes quite harder as you go. So I'm adjusting from the crazy college life of constantly being with friends and others, to the calmer, more separated work life, where being adult is a bit harder.
But there's something else that seems to affect my loneliness. Something that makes the loneliness more saddening and harder to bare: this idea that as I sit here alone, it is because no one needs me; no one wants me. I'm being forgotten. I am unimportant.
If people really loved me, someone would be here, right?
It is these emotions and thoughts that have led me to have discussions with many of my friends. I confess that I have been lonely and they automatically apologize and offer up their services for companionship and comfort. I smile and assure them I'm fine. But it is through these discussions that I've begun to wrestle with my own thoughts and emotions, working to put down the lies and to understand 'love' all that much better. It didn't begin until someone called me out on it and said, "Just because you aren't needed Hannah, doesn't mean you aren't loved." And then I cried.
I can easily see that this idea of "wanting to be needed" fits into a very natural human desire to be important and desired. Many of us dream of making our mark on the world, changing lives for the better, and getting our names somewhere out in history. We want to know that we were useful somehow on this planet and made a difference. If people need us, we then are important. Our existence matters.
Yet as one human dies, life moves on. The earth continues to rotate, new people are born, discoveries are made, adventures have begun, inventions are created and yet, the quiet wind of a life leaving its humanly body passes by without a person noticing, except for a select few. So... are we really, needed?
I guess I will stop philosophizing, and get right to the answer "Yes we are needed, but no, we're not." Humans need other humans. When a baby is born, is has a need for human connection: to be held, to be touched. Otherwise, it dies. It leaves the constant connection of its mother and enters into the outside world by itself, and yet, the child screams to be held and needs to know it is not alone. It needs to know that it is loved.
And I guess as I sit here, I realize that I do need others to love me. I need others to show me that thing so-called "love", for they are the vessels in which I receive a wonderful message: that I am valued and love. Ultimately, I am valued and loved by God. And yet, one of the greatest ways to understand God's love is through another human being and experience it. The sad thing is, the kind gestures and actions humans do to one another to show love is just a mere shadow of an image of what the real thing is. God's love is vast and amazing, that we only have the capability of displaying a small ounce of what the real thing actually is. A mere smell of a piece of fruit that leads to an everlasting garden. We catch a whiff and we want more.
And yet, we can never be fully filled by another human's love. Again, it's the mere smell to the feast we truly desire. And I think that's something I can see as I sit in my loneliness: an understanding that no one else can truly "complete me". I often feel fine on my own, sitting in my own thoughts and day dreaming, understanding that I especially need to love myself. I need to believe that I am loved and valued. Otherwise, it will be impossible for me to truly love others, and to accept their love in return.
I need to believe that as I sit in my apartment, that my friends and family have me in their hearts, in the back of their minds, as we are apart from one another. I need to believe that they do think of me and value my life, not for what I can do for them, but for my mere presence. That even though they may not "need me" in this time of their life, that their love for me is still present.
It's sad, but somewhat funny, that I realize I often tell myself "others don't love me" to protect myself. I've been hurt before, like many of us have, and have not been loved like I should have been. And so, I tell myself, "That is not possible. You can not love me. If you really loved me...." and then fill in the blank to a rude and impossible demand. It's easy to keep people out that way. It's easy to keep God out that way.
Yet, when you do that, you then sit in a utter depression, certain that no one could care about you nor love you. You spiral down, pushing more and more people out, so you can be safe. And yet, you are just slowly killing yourself, starving yourself from the one thing you need.
So you have to stop, and tell yourself that you are loved. You have to replay those instance where someone, whether a parent, sibling, friend, or spouse said, "I love you". You have to hang onto those moments for dear life, because evil thoughts will try to tear them away and rip your value down to shreds. When someone speaks those words to you, you have to open your ears and your heart and let them sink in. Sink in and settle into your heart, and let it become a part of you, so that you can maybe, one day, also let those words spew out from your mouth as well. Love spreads. It's contagious.
But first, you must listen. First, you must open up your ears and heart, so that you can hear the silent words that are being spoken: "I love you" and believe it. Don't throw it out. Don't shut it down. Let it float into your heart and plant a seed. Hang onto that hope that you are loved and see where it takes you.
Let your eyes be opened to the constant message that there is Someone out there, loving you, surrounding you with Their Presence. And then, let that seed grow. You'll be in a garden soon enough.
That's a question that's been on my mind for quite some time.
Since I graduated college, I've been spending much more time alone. It's been weird as I come home to an empty apartment and begin to figure out what I want to do for the evening. Sometimes, I rejoice in the solitary, happy that it's just me and that I get to do whatever I want in the moment. But other times, it gets quite saddening. You would like to talk to someone about your day, yet no one is around. You put a movie on and laugh and giggle at the funny parts, but yet, hearing your own laughter by itself seems odd and not quite what it should be. You lay your head on your pillow in your silent apartment, and right before you close your eyes, you stare out into the darkness, wishing you had someone to say 'Good night' to.
These are the moments I have. Like I said, I tend to go back and forth, happy for some chance to be by myself, and yet, still wishing someone was present. It happens to the best of us. And I also hear that this is quite common after college; that as a working adult, hanging out with people becomes quite harder as you go. So I'm adjusting from the crazy college life of constantly being with friends and others, to the calmer, more separated work life, where being adult is a bit harder.
But there's something else that seems to affect my loneliness. Something that makes the loneliness more saddening and harder to bare: this idea that as I sit here alone, it is because no one needs me; no one wants me. I'm being forgotten. I am unimportant.
If people really loved me, someone would be here, right?
It is these emotions and thoughts that have led me to have discussions with many of my friends. I confess that I have been lonely and they automatically apologize and offer up their services for companionship and comfort. I smile and assure them I'm fine. But it is through these discussions that I've begun to wrestle with my own thoughts and emotions, working to put down the lies and to understand 'love' all that much better. It didn't begin until someone called me out on it and said, "Just because you aren't needed Hannah, doesn't mean you aren't loved." And then I cried.
I can easily see that this idea of "wanting to be needed" fits into a very natural human desire to be important and desired. Many of us dream of making our mark on the world, changing lives for the better, and getting our names somewhere out in history. We want to know that we were useful somehow on this planet and made a difference. If people need us, we then are important. Our existence matters.
Yet as one human dies, life moves on. The earth continues to rotate, new people are born, discoveries are made, adventures have begun, inventions are created and yet, the quiet wind of a life leaving its humanly body passes by without a person noticing, except for a select few. So... are we really, needed?
I guess I will stop philosophizing, and get right to the answer "Yes we are needed, but no, we're not." Humans need other humans. When a baby is born, is has a need for human connection: to be held, to be touched. Otherwise, it dies. It leaves the constant connection of its mother and enters into the outside world by itself, and yet, the child screams to be held and needs to know it is not alone. It needs to know that it is loved.
And I guess as I sit here, I realize that I do need others to love me. I need others to show me that thing so-called "love", for they are the vessels in which I receive a wonderful message: that I am valued and love. Ultimately, I am valued and loved by God. And yet, one of the greatest ways to understand God's love is through another human being and experience it. The sad thing is, the kind gestures and actions humans do to one another to show love is just a mere shadow of an image of what the real thing is. God's love is vast and amazing, that we only have the capability of displaying a small ounce of what the real thing actually is. A mere smell of a piece of fruit that leads to an everlasting garden. We catch a whiff and we want more.
And yet, we can never be fully filled by another human's love. Again, it's the mere smell to the feast we truly desire. And I think that's something I can see as I sit in my loneliness: an understanding that no one else can truly "complete me". I often feel fine on my own, sitting in my own thoughts and day dreaming, understanding that I especially need to love myself. I need to believe that I am loved and valued. Otherwise, it will be impossible for me to truly love others, and to accept their love in return.
I need to believe that as I sit in my apartment, that my friends and family have me in their hearts, in the back of their minds, as we are apart from one another. I need to believe that they do think of me and value my life, not for what I can do for them, but for my mere presence. That even though they may not "need me" in this time of their life, that their love for me is still present.
It's sad, but somewhat funny, that I realize I often tell myself "others don't love me" to protect myself. I've been hurt before, like many of us have, and have not been loved like I should have been. And so, I tell myself, "That is not possible. You can not love me. If you really loved me...." and then fill in the blank to a rude and impossible demand. It's easy to keep people out that way. It's easy to keep God out that way.
Yet, when you do that, you then sit in a utter depression, certain that no one could care about you nor love you. You spiral down, pushing more and more people out, so you can be safe. And yet, you are just slowly killing yourself, starving yourself from the one thing you need.
So you have to stop, and tell yourself that you are loved. You have to replay those instance where someone, whether a parent, sibling, friend, or spouse said, "I love you". You have to hang onto those moments for dear life, because evil thoughts will try to tear them away and rip your value down to shreds. When someone speaks those words to you, you have to open your ears and your heart and let them sink in. Sink in and settle into your heart, and let it become a part of you, so that you can maybe, one day, also let those words spew out from your mouth as well. Love spreads. It's contagious.
But first, you must listen. First, you must open up your ears and heart, so that you can hear the silent words that are being spoken: "I love you" and believe it. Don't throw it out. Don't shut it down. Let it float into your heart and plant a seed. Hang onto that hope that you are loved and see where it takes you.
Let your eyes be opened to the constant message that there is Someone out there, loving you, surrounding you with Their Presence. And then, let that seed grow. You'll be in a garden soon enough.
Friday, September 28, 2012
A Lifetime of Lessons
The seasons are changing here in Tucson. A week or two ago, I went out for my morning run before work and the weather was considerably colder. I was so used to bearing the morning heat in a tank top and shorts, but on that particular morning, I thought, "Oh gosh. I could almost wear a jacket. It's chilly." However, Tucson hasn't fully committed to the cooler season just yet. There are still some days were the afternoons linger in the upper nineties, leaving one hoping that October will soon be here and bringing much cooler weather.
As the seasons have been changing, I can see that I, too, have changed. I suppose we as people, are always changing, but I know for me, it's important to stop and sorta reflect on all that has happened and actually see the differences.
Friends: My friend circle has definitely changed; and not only that, but how much time I spend with friends has changed too. After one graduates college, a huge shift happens, where people move, go to grad school, or start jobs. And at first, I wasn't quite sure what to do with all of this. I was used to having a set group of friends and getting to hang out quite often. You could meet people up for lunch, study together, online chat during classes and homework, go get dinner, and then hang out all evening. Heck, sometimes we wouldn't start hanging out till about 10 PM and we'd go to the wee hours of the morning.
But now, most of my friends and I have jobs, where we work from 8-5. By 10 PM, most of us begin yawning and talk about our bed times. Hanging out has been mostly reserved for the weekend and Friday night, and even then, there are sometimes household chores or other things to attend to that you couldn't get to during the week.
I really struggled with this (and I still do). I felt like all my friends and I were drifting apart and I began feeling quite lonely. But then, I would also be tired from working all day, that going out with people seemed exhausting at times. Being tired and lonely wasn't a fun combo. But slowly, I've begun to get accustomed to this change. I've made it a priority to have set dates with certain people on when I can see them through the week. I've narrowed down my friends to a few individuals who I get to share my time with. My sister has become a huge confidant where we talk about our lives daily, fulfilling my need to express myself and my daily struggles. It's still hard, but I've really been trying to work to see my friends, whether it is easy or not. And in the end, I'm always glad I got to hang out with them because I love them. :)
Design: I'm a graphic designer now and often fill the role of a photographer as well. I do have to say, that I begin to fall in love more and more with design as I go. There are definitely plenty of days where I'm just tired and unmotivated at work and the creativity doesn't always come. However, I've begun to find ways to stay inspired and also give myself grace when things aren't turning out quite right. I'm learning a lot, which is what I really enjoy and I like my work environment a lot too. Most of the time though, I just have to learn to not put so much pressure on myself and then I'm set to go.
God: My relationship with God has changed. Coming out of a campus ministry setting and being thrown into the "real world" has left me wondering, "OK, so what do I do in regards to my faith now?" Leading Bible studies and having spiritual discussions with people daily is what I was familiar with, but now, my focus has been solely on design, my clients, and co-workers. I'd then come home from work and feel exhausted and then I thought, "Ugh... am I supposed to go to some food bank or something and serve there? Or go to some sort of church event? Pour into someone? Man... I'm just so tired though."
Not to mention, I was spiritually burnt-out and bitter on many ends. I didn't trust the Church or other Christian individuals as far as I could throw them. I felt used on many fronts and that many were just on a search to get me on "their side" and "believe what they believe." So I took a step back and decided to not attend church or any Christian group activity. It was useful in the way that I could show myself that no matter where I was at or what I was doing, my relationship with God wouldn't go down the drain. In fact, there's very little about what "I'm doing" and it's all about what God is doing.
Long story short, I read many books and thought about a lot of things, processing as I went. Books like "Chronicles of Narnia" made me long for Jesus and his love, and also, just enjoy the beautiful and adventurous part of God as well. I could open up the Bible at times, and just read small parts, starting out small and really letting the stuff sink in. The biggest help was probably "The Screwtape Letters" by CS Lewis. I began seeing a lot of lies and false thoughts that were described in the book that had been in my own head for years, and seeing how they did make me want to stay away from other Christians and certain teachings. With these few books and the help of a few friends who would sit and listen to me as I discussed my fears, my pains, and grievances, and then give counsel and encouragement back, I began to feel at peace again with God and my own faith. I wanted to go back to church and be in that community of believers, and talking about my faith and learning more and more about God. I knew I had to be careful, because not all my fears and scars were completely healed or gone, but I began to see where I wanted to go.
So now, I have told myself that I don't have to lead Bible study or have these certain qualities to be a "good Christian". I just have to believe in Jesus, and that's it. And it's interesting, because I can see how hard I am on myself in this area and even have a hard time believing it, thinking, "And that's it? You serious?" But it's true. God is way more than enough in all areas of my life. If I have an issue, I have to just ask for help. And if helps doesn't seem at the moment to be right there, keep asking and keep struggling. Because I know God won't fail me. I will fail, but He won't.
And a few good friends keep talking about how I am serving people on a daily basis and for these words, I was so grateful to hear. To go to work, and create things for people day in and day out is a service. I am giving something to people, whether it is time, energy, creative talent, or all of that in one. And I really don't acknowledge my own efforts most of the time, thinking, "This is just what people expect." But even the other day, someone said, "You are quiet lovely with customers. You entertain them, empathize and make them laugh. Just lovely." I had someone else relay a client's comment to me, "You know, my mom was quite impressed that you made your co-worker brownies for his birthday. Seriously. She thought that was so nice."
Someone who I had done a photo shoot with had told me after I had shown her the pictures, "You know Hannah. This is actually a big thing for me. I've really been processing my own beauty and trying to embrace it. These photos are fantastic and are a big turning point for me. I get to see these and see how beautiful I am. Thank you."
I may not be doing outright "ministry", but I'm getting to show people how valuable and beautiful they are day in and day out, and that's all I really want to do.
Dating: Not really much has actually changed here, but I know my overall outlook has. With the lack of connection from my friends and then also, watching many of my peers get engaged, my desire to date has increased. With the added loneliness and the ever wondering question, "So... when is it my turn?" you begin to realize how much you wish you did have someone.
My only remedy for this has been to just make it a point to spend more time with my friends, both male and female. My female friends offer the empathizing and heart-to-heart discussions that I need, and my male friends often make me laugh, remind me to not take life so seriously, and treat me with respect that a man should. They also tend to be very good listeners and have supported me through rough emotional times as well.
I also know to just wait for the right person to come along. I'm in no rush to date or am not pushing the subject. I'm just waiting, knowing that it will all happen when it should and I don't have to force anything. When this guy does come along, I know I want to do my best to love him. Many times, it will be hard and I will have to make a choice each day to love him and I can only hope that I'll be able to do that well. Some friends and I were gathered, and someone turned to a recently engaged male and said, "Holy cow! You're getting married! That's serious." He just laughed and replied "Yeah. It is." The woman goes, "Do you really want to spend the rest of your life with her?" (referring to the fiance who was absent at the time). The guy simply replied, "That's the wrong question. It's not about if I want to. It's about if I'm ready to commit to her, every day, for the rest of my life. If that's the question. Then yes. I'm ready to commit to being with her." At first, I was confused. But then I realized he was referring to how love often is a choice. A choice to put her before him and pursue their relationship. And that answer put me more at ease than if he had simply answered, "Yes, I want to." But I saw that he knew it would take work and was willing to love her, even if he didn't "feel" like it.
However, I have to insert some humorous stories in here, since... my love life tends to be quite entertaining. If anything, I'm just working on avoiding creepy moments when I leave my apartment. Once, I walked into a gas station and noticed a few males glance my away. Feeling uncomfortable, I quickly picked up what I needed and headed to the cashier. One male in particular gave me an obvious look over and all I could think was, "I think he just raped me with his eyes." He then smirked and said, "What's your name?" Trying to find a way out, I just muttered "Uh... I don't know." He then goes, "You got a husband?" I awkwardly laughed and walked out of the gas station, got in my car and drove away as fast as I could.
Anxiety: Last, but not least, my anxiety disorder has seemed to improve. Anxiety always has taken on a different meaning for me than for most. Some will say "I was anxious about a test." For me, I don't really consider myself "anxious" unless I'm beginning to have a panic attack. Then that's when I say, "I was really anxious."
But, the power of those attacks has lessened, or at least, decreased their frequency. One reason is due to the calmness of my life right now. I've settled into a routine, where I go to work and make sure to not push myself too far. I've begun to teach myself how to rest. I've been making sure to work on my current issues, right here and right now, and not run forward, ignoring what is going on inside me, but wrestle with those current issues and face them head on. There are a lot of times where at work, I can see that my anxiety goes up because I somehow think I'm failing or screwing up, despite whether it is logical or not. With a group of people, I'll begin to think about how maybe someone doesn't like me or I'm just so different. With God, I would tend to think that I'm somehow not doing enough or failing in some way. All these are serious enough issues in themselves and I can see that right now, God is letting me focus in on them and wrestling with them. I've learn to talk back to myself, search out truths, and often reality test myself. It's hard work, but I want to continue to fight this.
And I also hope, that in my fight and battle with my own anxiety, I can also help others, in someway or another.
I could go into so much more depth and detail, but that will probably have to wait. This is just a "summary" of everything. Learning so much, but not sure how to quite put it all down. Thanks for reading though! :) And thanks for being there with me through it all.
As the seasons have been changing, I can see that I, too, have changed. I suppose we as people, are always changing, but I know for me, it's important to stop and sorta reflect on all that has happened and actually see the differences.
Friends: My friend circle has definitely changed; and not only that, but how much time I spend with friends has changed too. After one graduates college, a huge shift happens, where people move, go to grad school, or start jobs. And at first, I wasn't quite sure what to do with all of this. I was used to having a set group of friends and getting to hang out quite often. You could meet people up for lunch, study together, online chat during classes and homework, go get dinner, and then hang out all evening. Heck, sometimes we wouldn't start hanging out till about 10 PM and we'd go to the wee hours of the morning.
But now, most of my friends and I have jobs, where we work from 8-5. By 10 PM, most of us begin yawning and talk about our bed times. Hanging out has been mostly reserved for the weekend and Friday night, and even then, there are sometimes household chores or other things to attend to that you couldn't get to during the week.
I really struggled with this (and I still do). I felt like all my friends and I were drifting apart and I began feeling quite lonely. But then, I would also be tired from working all day, that going out with people seemed exhausting at times. Being tired and lonely wasn't a fun combo. But slowly, I've begun to get accustomed to this change. I've made it a priority to have set dates with certain people on when I can see them through the week. I've narrowed down my friends to a few individuals who I get to share my time with. My sister has become a huge confidant where we talk about our lives daily, fulfilling my need to express myself and my daily struggles. It's still hard, but I've really been trying to work to see my friends, whether it is easy or not. And in the end, I'm always glad I got to hang out with them because I love them. :)
Design: I'm a graphic designer now and often fill the role of a photographer as well. I do have to say, that I begin to fall in love more and more with design as I go. There are definitely plenty of days where I'm just tired and unmotivated at work and the creativity doesn't always come. However, I've begun to find ways to stay inspired and also give myself grace when things aren't turning out quite right. I'm learning a lot, which is what I really enjoy and I like my work environment a lot too. Most of the time though, I just have to learn to not put so much pressure on myself and then I'm set to go.
God: My relationship with God has changed. Coming out of a campus ministry setting and being thrown into the "real world" has left me wondering, "OK, so what do I do in regards to my faith now?" Leading Bible studies and having spiritual discussions with people daily is what I was familiar with, but now, my focus has been solely on design, my clients, and co-workers. I'd then come home from work and feel exhausted and then I thought, "Ugh... am I supposed to go to some food bank or something and serve there? Or go to some sort of church event? Pour into someone? Man... I'm just so tired though."
Not to mention, I was spiritually burnt-out and bitter on many ends. I didn't trust the Church or other Christian individuals as far as I could throw them. I felt used on many fronts and that many were just on a search to get me on "their side" and "believe what they believe." So I took a step back and decided to not attend church or any Christian group activity. It was useful in the way that I could show myself that no matter where I was at or what I was doing, my relationship with God wouldn't go down the drain. In fact, there's very little about what "I'm doing" and it's all about what God is doing.
Long story short, I read many books and thought about a lot of things, processing as I went. Books like "Chronicles of Narnia" made me long for Jesus and his love, and also, just enjoy the beautiful and adventurous part of God as well. I could open up the Bible at times, and just read small parts, starting out small and really letting the stuff sink in. The biggest help was probably "The Screwtape Letters" by CS Lewis. I began seeing a lot of lies and false thoughts that were described in the book that had been in my own head for years, and seeing how they did make me want to stay away from other Christians and certain teachings. With these few books and the help of a few friends who would sit and listen to me as I discussed my fears, my pains, and grievances, and then give counsel and encouragement back, I began to feel at peace again with God and my own faith. I wanted to go back to church and be in that community of believers, and talking about my faith and learning more and more about God. I knew I had to be careful, because not all my fears and scars were completely healed or gone, but I began to see where I wanted to go.
So now, I have told myself that I don't have to lead Bible study or have these certain qualities to be a "good Christian". I just have to believe in Jesus, and that's it. And it's interesting, because I can see how hard I am on myself in this area and even have a hard time believing it, thinking, "And that's it? You serious?" But it's true. God is way more than enough in all areas of my life. If I have an issue, I have to just ask for help. And if helps doesn't seem at the moment to be right there, keep asking and keep struggling. Because I know God won't fail me. I will fail, but He won't.
And a few good friends keep talking about how I am serving people on a daily basis and for these words, I was so grateful to hear. To go to work, and create things for people day in and day out is a service. I am giving something to people, whether it is time, energy, creative talent, or all of that in one. And I really don't acknowledge my own efforts most of the time, thinking, "This is just what people expect." But even the other day, someone said, "You are quiet lovely with customers. You entertain them, empathize and make them laugh. Just lovely." I had someone else relay a client's comment to me, "You know, my mom was quite impressed that you made your co-worker brownies for his birthday. Seriously. She thought that was so nice."
Someone who I had done a photo shoot with had told me after I had shown her the pictures, "You know Hannah. This is actually a big thing for me. I've really been processing my own beauty and trying to embrace it. These photos are fantastic and are a big turning point for me. I get to see these and see how beautiful I am. Thank you."
I may not be doing outright "ministry", but I'm getting to show people how valuable and beautiful they are day in and day out, and that's all I really want to do.
Dating: Not really much has actually changed here, but I know my overall outlook has. With the lack of connection from my friends and then also, watching many of my peers get engaged, my desire to date has increased. With the added loneliness and the ever wondering question, "So... when is it my turn?" you begin to realize how much you wish you did have someone.
My only remedy for this has been to just make it a point to spend more time with my friends, both male and female. My female friends offer the empathizing and heart-to-heart discussions that I need, and my male friends often make me laugh, remind me to not take life so seriously, and treat me with respect that a man should. They also tend to be very good listeners and have supported me through rough emotional times as well.
I also know to just wait for the right person to come along. I'm in no rush to date or am not pushing the subject. I'm just waiting, knowing that it will all happen when it should and I don't have to force anything. When this guy does come along, I know I want to do my best to love him. Many times, it will be hard and I will have to make a choice each day to love him and I can only hope that I'll be able to do that well. Some friends and I were gathered, and someone turned to a recently engaged male and said, "Holy cow! You're getting married! That's serious." He just laughed and replied "Yeah. It is." The woman goes, "Do you really want to spend the rest of your life with her?" (referring to the fiance who was absent at the time). The guy simply replied, "That's the wrong question. It's not about if I want to. It's about if I'm ready to commit to her, every day, for the rest of my life. If that's the question. Then yes. I'm ready to commit to being with her." At first, I was confused. But then I realized he was referring to how love often is a choice. A choice to put her before him and pursue their relationship. And that answer put me more at ease than if he had simply answered, "Yes, I want to." But I saw that he knew it would take work and was willing to love her, even if he didn't "feel" like it.
However, I have to insert some humorous stories in here, since... my love life tends to be quite entertaining. If anything, I'm just working on avoiding creepy moments when I leave my apartment. Once, I walked into a gas station and noticed a few males glance my away. Feeling uncomfortable, I quickly picked up what I needed and headed to the cashier. One male in particular gave me an obvious look over and all I could think was, "I think he just raped me with his eyes." He then smirked and said, "What's your name?" Trying to find a way out, I just muttered "Uh... I don't know." He then goes, "You got a husband?" I awkwardly laughed and walked out of the gas station, got in my car and drove away as fast as I could.
Anxiety: Last, but not least, my anxiety disorder has seemed to improve. Anxiety always has taken on a different meaning for me than for most. Some will say "I was anxious about a test." For me, I don't really consider myself "anxious" unless I'm beginning to have a panic attack. Then that's when I say, "I was really anxious."
But, the power of those attacks has lessened, or at least, decreased their frequency. One reason is due to the calmness of my life right now. I've settled into a routine, where I go to work and make sure to not push myself too far. I've begun to teach myself how to rest. I've been making sure to work on my current issues, right here and right now, and not run forward, ignoring what is going on inside me, but wrestle with those current issues and face them head on. There are a lot of times where at work, I can see that my anxiety goes up because I somehow think I'm failing or screwing up, despite whether it is logical or not. With a group of people, I'll begin to think about how maybe someone doesn't like me or I'm just so different. With God, I would tend to think that I'm somehow not doing enough or failing in some way. All these are serious enough issues in themselves and I can see that right now, God is letting me focus in on them and wrestling with them. I've learn to talk back to myself, search out truths, and often reality test myself. It's hard work, but I want to continue to fight this.
And I also hope, that in my fight and battle with my own anxiety, I can also help others, in someway or another.
I could go into so much more depth and detail, but that will probably have to wait. This is just a "summary" of everything. Learning so much, but not sure how to quite put it all down. Thanks for reading though! :) And thanks for being there with me through it all.
Monday, August 20, 2012
I Stopped Going to Church & This is What Happened
Hello again! It's been a while huh?
So I have to tell you what I have been up to the past month or so. Well, more like what I haven't been up to: I haven't been going to church and small group.
It's been a very conscious decision on my part to refrain from this activity that in the past, I have solely pushed myself to go to every week. Despite anxiety attacks and what not, I pushed and pursued this activity, determined to follow God. But then it dawned on me: what if I didn't go for a while? If you read my last post about my struggle with religion and spirituality, then you'll probably understand why I chose not to go. Anxiety attacks were on the rampant, especially when it came to spiritual and religious discussions and issues. It was hard for me to connect with God in the midst of an anxiety attack. I realized I was miserably pushing myself to do something when I wasn't really quite sure what it was I wanted to do.
So I stopped going to church.
At first, I felt guilty and a bit scared. I thought, "Ugh... people will freak out if I don't go." and "Do I really think this will help? I'm just being a coward." With those thoughts, I realized I had to teach myself to live in grace. I needed to step back and lean into God's grace and mercy and tell myself, "It's OK if you don't go to church today. Your relationship with God won't fall apart. You'll be fine."
After a week or two, I got better with that aspect.
But I knew there was still more I had to face. I had issues with this idea of church and community that I hadn't quite touched on.
A few weeks went by. I hadn't really heard anyone comment on my absence or really search me out. I felt relieved. I had been scared that people would criticize me for not going and tell me to get over it. But that didn't happen, and I was glad for it.
I began talking with various friends about what I was going through, and many of them, to my surprise, were very supportive of my decision to step back. They all knew how my anxiety was quite a real issue and didn't want me to push myself to go to church if it meant I'd have an anxiety attack all throughout the service. Many could relate to what I was talking about and noted some of the faults within the church, and discussing how they themselves, got past it. Yet, they recognized that I needed to find my own answers and deal with the issue myself.
So after many discussions and some own personal analysis of myself, I soon began to realize what the main problem was:
Me.
To expand on this, I began analyzing my fears and thoughts of church and soon saw that church set off my anxiety because I was so worried about what people thought of me. "Do they think I'm doing this right?" "What if I look like a fool??" "they'll probably see how un-Christian-like I am and think poorly of me." And the thoughts went on and on.
When I realized that this was part of the issue, I saw that the only way to get around it was having to teach myself to not care what other people thought of me. It's not like I would throw out any advice or comments made to me, but to recognize that my relationship between God and I is between just us two. Other people don't make up our relationship: God and I do.
This realization only came recently, and I'm still working on how to deal with it. I've dealt in those areas when it comes to my artwork and my own self-esteem, but my spirituality seems to be an area I have not touched on yet.
The other aspect was that I doubted myself very very much. And I think this is something God has been trying to break me of as well. I'd doubt my own faith, and I'd doubt whether I was really doing things right in regards to my faith. If someone were to ask, "Well, do you believe you were going to heaven?" My reply would have been, "I don't know. What if I have screwed up somewhere along the way and didn't know it? What if I have been missing something very key?" And when I say this question, I don't mean "what if I have chosen the wrong religion" or "I'm not really sure about Jesus all the time", but more so, "what if, I missed something, and... that prevents me. It could be anything. I'm really not that great. I make mistakes all the time. Who am I to go to heaven?"
With this last thought and realization, I saw how damaging those doubts can be. Despite of what I know about Christianity and how things work, I still doubted. And with this, I was putting my own judgement above God's and his power. My faith has always shown me that when God wants something done, he gets it done. And while I need to acknowledge that I have faults and am not perfect what's-so-ever, I also need to heavily see how important I am to God and the value I have in His eyes. His power and love outshine my own fears and doubts any day, and I need to focus on that and NOT how many times I mess up in a day, or how I lack this quality, or didn't read my Bible, and the list goes on.
So there it is again; it's mostly me and my fears preventing me from actually pursuing God and developing what I want out of my faith. God and I have taken many steps in regards to many areas of my life. When it came to my own beauty, I saw very little. Many times, I felt God just yell and say, "Would you please take a good look in the mirror and see how beautiful you are!?! My goodness child, see what I see! Look at yourself! Look!!" When it came to my artwork, I'd give up before I even started. God slowly showed me that it was me holding myself back. So... I began to coax myself and encourage myself. The door to creativity opened, and there I was, making things I was proud of.
And now, in regards to my own spirituality, when I coax myself and battle the lies, I do find God there, stronger and more beautiful than before. I have to repeatedly tell myself that my relationship with God is not determined by others. God's judgement reigns over everyone's. People will constantly come in and out of my life and say, "You are doing this wrong" or "your belief says this? That's stupid," over and over again. But... I have to trust what God is telling me. And there's a little voice that says "So you'll never listen to anyone huh?" No. I'm not saying that. I'm saying though that I will listen to God first and run towards Him, in whatever way and fashion that looks like for me and Him. Maybe that means switching churches, maybe that means not going to church once a month and doing quiet time, or just... whatever.
And the thing is, no one has ever really criticized me and my walk with God. If anything, people often point out how too religious I am or commend me for my faith. So again, I see that it is just me, beating myself down over and over again. Not letting God in and saying, "I'm not good enough for you," and God gentles holds my hands and says, "Who says? No voice is more true or powerful than mine. And I say you are loved and way more valuable than all the stars combined."
So I'm still figuring things out and battling anxiety is never easy, but I'm hopefully making steps. Steps that will last me a lifetime and carry me out until I get to be with God again. :)
So I have to tell you what I have been up to the past month or so. Well, more like what I haven't been up to: I haven't been going to church and small group.
It's been a very conscious decision on my part to refrain from this activity that in the past, I have solely pushed myself to go to every week. Despite anxiety attacks and what not, I pushed and pursued this activity, determined to follow God. But then it dawned on me: what if I didn't go for a while? If you read my last post about my struggle with religion and spirituality, then you'll probably understand why I chose not to go. Anxiety attacks were on the rampant, especially when it came to spiritual and religious discussions and issues. It was hard for me to connect with God in the midst of an anxiety attack. I realized I was miserably pushing myself to do something when I wasn't really quite sure what it was I wanted to do.
So I stopped going to church.
At first, I felt guilty and a bit scared. I thought, "Ugh... people will freak out if I don't go." and "Do I really think this will help? I'm just being a coward." With those thoughts, I realized I had to teach myself to live in grace. I needed to step back and lean into God's grace and mercy and tell myself, "It's OK if you don't go to church today. Your relationship with God won't fall apart. You'll be fine."
After a week or two, I got better with that aspect.
But I knew there was still more I had to face. I had issues with this idea of church and community that I hadn't quite touched on.
A few weeks went by. I hadn't really heard anyone comment on my absence or really search me out. I felt relieved. I had been scared that people would criticize me for not going and tell me to get over it. But that didn't happen, and I was glad for it.
I began talking with various friends about what I was going through, and many of them, to my surprise, were very supportive of my decision to step back. They all knew how my anxiety was quite a real issue and didn't want me to push myself to go to church if it meant I'd have an anxiety attack all throughout the service. Many could relate to what I was talking about and noted some of the faults within the church, and discussing how they themselves, got past it. Yet, they recognized that I needed to find my own answers and deal with the issue myself.
So after many discussions and some own personal analysis of myself, I soon began to realize what the main problem was:
Me.
To expand on this, I began analyzing my fears and thoughts of church and soon saw that church set off my anxiety because I was so worried about what people thought of me. "Do they think I'm doing this right?" "What if I look like a fool??" "they'll probably see how un-Christian-like I am and think poorly of me." And the thoughts went on and on.
When I realized that this was part of the issue, I saw that the only way to get around it was having to teach myself to not care what other people thought of me. It's not like I would throw out any advice or comments made to me, but to recognize that my relationship between God and I is between just us two. Other people don't make up our relationship: God and I do.
This realization only came recently, and I'm still working on how to deal with it. I've dealt in those areas when it comes to my artwork and my own self-esteem, but my spirituality seems to be an area I have not touched on yet.
The other aspect was that I doubted myself very very much. And I think this is something God has been trying to break me of as well. I'd doubt my own faith, and I'd doubt whether I was really doing things right in regards to my faith. If someone were to ask, "Well, do you believe you were going to heaven?" My reply would have been, "I don't know. What if I have screwed up somewhere along the way and didn't know it? What if I have been missing something very key?" And when I say this question, I don't mean "what if I have chosen the wrong religion" or "I'm not really sure about Jesus all the time", but more so, "what if, I missed something, and... that prevents me. It could be anything. I'm really not that great. I make mistakes all the time. Who am I to go to heaven?"
With this last thought and realization, I saw how damaging those doubts can be. Despite of what I know about Christianity and how things work, I still doubted. And with this, I was putting my own judgement above God's and his power. My faith has always shown me that when God wants something done, he gets it done. And while I need to acknowledge that I have faults and am not perfect what's-so-ever, I also need to heavily see how important I am to God and the value I have in His eyes. His power and love outshine my own fears and doubts any day, and I need to focus on that and NOT how many times I mess up in a day, or how I lack this quality, or didn't read my Bible, and the list goes on.
So there it is again; it's mostly me and my fears preventing me from actually pursuing God and developing what I want out of my faith. God and I have taken many steps in regards to many areas of my life. When it came to my own beauty, I saw very little. Many times, I felt God just yell and say, "Would you please take a good look in the mirror and see how beautiful you are!?! My goodness child, see what I see! Look at yourself! Look!!" When it came to my artwork, I'd give up before I even started. God slowly showed me that it was me holding myself back. So... I began to coax myself and encourage myself. The door to creativity opened, and there I was, making things I was proud of.
And now, in regards to my own spirituality, when I coax myself and battle the lies, I do find God there, stronger and more beautiful than before. I have to repeatedly tell myself that my relationship with God is not determined by others. God's judgement reigns over everyone's. People will constantly come in and out of my life and say, "You are doing this wrong" or "your belief says this? That's stupid," over and over again. But... I have to trust what God is telling me. And there's a little voice that says "So you'll never listen to anyone huh?" No. I'm not saying that. I'm saying though that I will listen to God first and run towards Him, in whatever way and fashion that looks like for me and Him. Maybe that means switching churches, maybe that means not going to church once a month and doing quiet time, or just... whatever.
And the thing is, no one has ever really criticized me and my walk with God. If anything, people often point out how too religious I am or commend me for my faith. So again, I see that it is just me, beating myself down over and over again. Not letting God in and saying, "I'm not good enough for you," and God gentles holds my hands and says, "Who says? No voice is more true or powerful than mine. And I say you are loved and way more valuable than all the stars combined."
So I'm still figuring things out and battling anxiety is never easy, but I'm hopefully making steps. Steps that will last me a lifetime and carry me out until I get to be with God again. :)
Silly Work Days
So... I like my job. Like seriously.
It came as a huge surprise to me when I began to realize it and I was even hesitant to say it at first. "What if I say it now, but then later, end up not liking it??" entered into my mind. But... I have to realize that there are times when I will like things and other times, when I won't. What matters is that I'm also committed to this job, and will come day in and day out, no matter what.
But really, I do like my job.
There are stressful times, with deadlines that come too soon, lack of inspiration moments that I must push through, and lots of people coming to you with lots of ideas and expecting you to be a miracle worker and "just do it all at once". But even despite all those, I can get through that with supportive friends, families, and well... co-workers! The past week or two, I was kind of surprised at my own co-workers helping me push along some stressful work load and doing their best to encourage me and talk to me about some stuff.
A week or two ago, I had stopped by one of my co-workers who's about my age and asked him, "Hey, do you think I work hard?" He paused, nodded and said, "Yeah... I think so." I nodded and then walked away, hoping that my hard work was being seen by others. I think I also left him a bit puzzled since the question was sort out of nowhere.
A week later, as I was working nearby, he began talking to me and said, "Hey, I heard John say he's really impressed with your work. He was bragging about it and says he's like what you're doing. So... you're doing a good job." It didn't really hit me till later that he was probably trying to reassure me that people could tell I was working hard. Others began complimenting me on all the work I had been doing and I felt relieved. Glad that my efforts were being noticed and they were working.
After the stressful work order had mostly passed, I could relax a bit more and take more time to talk with others. I've begun a war where I go and change my friend's desktop background, having all sorts of fun with it. I walked in the next morning after I changed it and he turned to me and said, "YOU!!! It was you!!!" I just smiled and said, "Happy Friday!"
Later on that day, I walked in and sat down at my desk. My screen saver soon popped up as I shuffled papers on my desk around and I noticed one of the pictures looked a bit different. (My screen saver does a slideshow of pictures I have taken in the past). When I got a closer look, I saw that Batman had been placed in the image along with the bat signal. I instantly knew who was and turned to one of my pre-press co-workers and said, "How did Batman get in my photo!" I began searching through other photographs and saw that he had photoshopped quite a few of my photos. I still have to figure out a way to get back at him, but I was glad to find someone else at work who likes to pull pranks or be silly.
It came as a huge surprise to me when I began to realize it and I was even hesitant to say it at first. "What if I say it now, but then later, end up not liking it??" entered into my mind. But... I have to realize that there are times when I will like things and other times, when I won't. What matters is that I'm also committed to this job, and will come day in and day out, no matter what.
But really, I do like my job.
There are stressful times, with deadlines that come too soon, lack of inspiration moments that I must push through, and lots of people coming to you with lots of ideas and expecting you to be a miracle worker and "just do it all at once". But even despite all those, I can get through that with supportive friends, families, and well... co-workers! The past week or two, I was kind of surprised at my own co-workers helping me push along some stressful work load and doing their best to encourage me and talk to me about some stuff.
A week or two ago, I had stopped by one of my co-workers who's about my age and asked him, "Hey, do you think I work hard?" He paused, nodded and said, "Yeah... I think so." I nodded and then walked away, hoping that my hard work was being seen by others. I think I also left him a bit puzzled since the question was sort out of nowhere.
A week later, as I was working nearby, he began talking to me and said, "Hey, I heard John say he's really impressed with your work. He was bragging about it and says he's like what you're doing. So... you're doing a good job." It didn't really hit me till later that he was probably trying to reassure me that people could tell I was working hard. Others began complimenting me on all the work I had been doing and I felt relieved. Glad that my efforts were being noticed and they were working.
After the stressful work order had mostly passed, I could relax a bit more and take more time to talk with others. I've begun a war where I go and change my friend's desktop background, having all sorts of fun with it. I walked in the next morning after I changed it and he turned to me and said, "YOU!!! It was you!!!" I just smiled and said, "Happy Friday!"
Later on that day, I walked in and sat down at my desk. My screen saver soon popped up as I shuffled papers on my desk around and I noticed one of the pictures looked a bit different. (My screen saver does a slideshow of pictures I have taken in the past). When I got a closer look, I saw that Batman had been placed in the image along with the bat signal. I instantly knew who was and turned to one of my pre-press co-workers and said, "How did Batman get in my photo!" I began searching through other photographs and saw that he had photoshopped quite a few of my photos. I still have to figure out a way to get back at him, but I was glad to find someone else at work who likes to pull pranks or be silly.
That afternoon (I guess it was just a silly Friday), I had walked out of the bathroom and the accountant lady saw me and had been waiting to use it. She exclaimed, "You! It's you again! It's always you in the bathroom." I just laughed and said, "You got to be a bit quicker to get in there." She turned to one of the guys about my age and she goes, "You see that! She's always in the bathroom." I began laughing and he took out his flash light and pointed it at me. I yelled, "Hey! Don't flash me!" as I walked by. He then threw his hands up in the air and then on his hips and said, "I DO WHAT I WANT!!" I then threw my hands up in the air and said, "BAH! WHATEVER!" And then all of us started laughing.
For me, work environment can really make or break a place. I mean, you do spend most of your time there anyways. I'm also lucky that I get to be the only graphic designer here and get to act like a sort of art director. There's no one directly supervising me, which fits me and my personality perfectly. I get to roam, and be creative as I go. It makes me motivated to work really hard and keep pushing out more and more work. It's just a major plus that I work in a small company and everyone is super nice and helpful. I really like it.
Plus, I get free printing. Who wouldn't love that as a designer?
Saturday, August 4, 2012
Out of Sight
Haven't posted a video in a while, neh? I came across this and thought it was cute. There's a twist that you should pick up quickly on. I like it. Enjoy!
Wednesday, August 1, 2012
Notes
I've been cleaning out my room and I've come across some notes and letters written to me. New thing about me: I always keep notes and letters people have written to me. Back in high school, my friends and I went through this phase where we constantly wrote notes to each other. Class would get boring, so we'd entertain ourselves with writing notes about whatever and folding them in weird or crazy ways. We'd then deliver them to each other in between classes and read the note in the next class. It was quite fun.
As I've gotten older, notes and letters aren't really used that often, which I think is a shame. But I'm still blessed with people who take time out of their day and have sat down and actually written to me. They're usually so heart warming and touching, and I can't just bare the idea of throwing them away. So I keep them and have a big stash of them; from the small notes in high school, to long lovely letters from friends. And at times when I'm alone, and come across them, I sit down and read them, and feel so loved.
It was especially nice the other day as I came across a few letters. I've been spending a lot of time alone lately and wonder if I'm becoming anti-social and won't have any friends. But when I read these letters, I see that I am so blessed with so many people who care about me. It even brought a few tears to my eyes as I read them and many memories danced in my head. I hope I can see many of these people soon and get to spend more time with them.
Photograph taken by Hannah Morris. ® All rights reserved.
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