Silly Art, Powerful Works

A video that has seems to have a silly idea, but it ends up having a great message. :)

http://vimeo.com/7110050

I Gave Up Everything; Even My Garbage

Lately, if someone were to ask me how I was doing, like REALLY DOING, I didn't have a good thing to say. I mean, on the outer spectrum of things, my life was really good. I had a place to stay, enough to eat, and no one super close to me had died or anything. But on the inside, I felt so unsatisfied and restless with everything.

I just felt like I had so many negative feelings inside of me, with worries and thoughts that constantly plagued me in every aspect of my life: from school and my job, to friends, and family. I was doubting whether I was doing well at my job, trying to figure out what I will do after the looming graduation date in May, attempting to make plans for my small group and other ministry activities, and my friends and family were all going through various things and my relationships with many people were changing. Peace just never seemed to enter into my soul and I couldn't figure out how to at least feel somewhat pleasant again.

It was over the weekend that God whacked me again with something I feel like He's been trying to teach me over and over again: His grace and mercy. I need to learn how to accept and live in His grace. I can see now that I was so busy on trying to fix myself and turn myself into this crazy perfect person. I wanted to fix all my anxiety, doubts, and worries, but also my lack of talent, knowledge, jokes, social skills, etc. in school, work, and friends. God was finally, "Don't you get it!! You can't fix those things by yourself! And besides! THAT'S NOT THE POINT!! I DON'T LOVE YOU BECAUSE YOU'RE PERFECT!! I LOVE YOU BECAUSE YOU'RE YOU!!"

So I finally just pictured myself face to face with Jesus and lifted up a bag of garbage to him and said, "Take it. It's not mine anymore. It's yours." And he just smiled and said, "I will gladly take it". He took my anxiety and my lack of talent and knowledge; he took my doubts and worries; he took my loss of temper and my lack of patience; he took my lustful thoughts and selfish acts; he took all my garbage and put it behind him. It was this weird sense of letting go that I didn't think I would have had with all my negative aspects about myself. Part of me had wanted to hang onto them, to be in some kind of control of myself, so I could tell myself that I could make myself better. I also didn't want to present God with such dirt. I mean, really, who would want that? But God not only took it, but he wanted to take it. And while I knew the negative aspects of myself were still there within me, a strange peace accompanied them. Suddenly, it wasn't my sole responsibility to fix myself. It was God's job. I had to give up all my negative feelings and characteristics and hand them over to Him to be in charge.

It was there that I see God saying, "I don't expect you to be perfect. In fact, I know you won't be perfect. But where you are weak, I am strong and my power is made perfect in weakness". (2 Corinthians 12:10). I came across this tree over the weekend and felt like God said, "This is you", and at first, I hated that idea. The tree was falling over and was about to fall. I wanted to be the tall, strong, standing up-right tree behind it. But God said, "It's roots are strong and are holding it firm. It's almost parallel to the ground, but it still has its roots firmly in place. You are like this tree. You will waver over and over again, but I will be there, holding you up, even when it seems like you should have fallen already." Again, it's not my job to be perfect and I really don't trust myself in anything that I do. But God says that is OK and that he will be there to make up for my mistakes. In fact, he was already there when his son Jesus died on the cross for every mistake I have ever made, are making, and will make. This isn't saying that I can do whatever I want, but there are even aspects within myself that I can not change and must hand over to God and He will take care of it. God loves me for me and wants to help me. I just need to give control over myself to Him and say "You're in charge of who I will become. It's all you. The good and the bad belong to you." And Jesus just replied "Thank you. I love you."

I think that we think too much

I think that our society thinks too much….

I was at work today, thinking away about all sorts of things: friends, projects, homework, family, myself, time, God, etc. My thoughts just poured out as a continuous stream of non-stop thoughts, emotions, analysis, predictions, and so on. With each new pondering, my emotions would react to it; sometimes it was good, and other times, it was bad. My nerves or anxiety would go up, and with others, excitement would arise or I’d smile at the thought.

And throughout this entire time, I was just at work, sitting in front of a computer, creating posters and fliers and other campaign materials.

But as the hours went on, one thought that came into my head was “A physical labor job sounds nice. One that requires little thought on my part. One where I can just solely focus on one activity and engulf my entire being into it.” I then sighed, “Man oh man. I’m tired of thinking.”

It’s ironic I know. You say “Wait Hannah. You were actually thinking that you were tired of thinking?” Yes. Yes I was.

And I say this because thinking doesn’t seem to get me anywhere. Well, at last not most of the thoughts I’ve had recently. They usually aren’t related to the activity I’m currently doing. In fact, for most of my school day and such, I can zone in and out of class and occupy myself with facebook or other meandering activities. And while I wish I could say that my brain is not stirring, it feels like it’s moving at a very rapid pace with many thoughts racing through it, nothing to do with class or homework.

Most of my thoughts seem to belong in the worrying category. I worry about my appearance or my conduct, or how to deal with a certain person, how I’m feeling about a situation, various plans, my work/art production, theories, how to go about all sorts of activities, etc. I mean, the list goes on and on, some more important than others.

But alas, I finally got to the point where I was like, “Man! Can’t I just stop thinking?!”

Finally my brain agreed to the halt of nonstop thoughts. I walked outside and sat for a bit in the warm weather. As I sat there, I saw a young man walking along the cracks of the tile. He looked like a man walking a tight rope, with arms high up in the air and attention focus on the thin line. I couldn’t help but be amused. He continued on his way for a while and I was sad to lose sight of him. He seemed to remind me of a lifestyle with little thought. He wasn’t worried about how people were looking at him or trying to analyze the stones he was walking on. He didn’t try to figure out a pattern along the lines, but simply enjoyed walking on top of them, making a game out of the whole situation. I laughed to myself and wished I could view life more how so that man was viewing the lines on the ground: a simple game to enjoy and have fun with. Stop thinking so much and just start walking along the thin cracks, enjoying the challenge but yet, having fun with the silliness of it all.

This is something I feel like God tells me often: to just enjoy being myself and please, please smile and laugh in life. There’s a verse in James where it says “rejoice in all trials”, and I remember thinking “Psh, that’s WAY easier said than done. Does God just want us to lie when we’re obviously upset?” But really, I feel like God is saying “Despite the hardships and all the crap life throws at you, please try to look at the positive side and remember that I love you. It’s going to be rough, but you have hope in Me. I will take care of you. I love seeing you smile and laugh.”

So I hope one day I can put my worries and fruitless predications aside. Nothing can be done about those. Instead, I think I’ll keep my eyes open for the cracks in life that I can stop, lift my arms up high, and enjoy the moment, whether it's difficult or easy, it's going well or not, but trust that in the end, I have the one thing that matters: God, my true love who will always be there for me. 

God is good. Oh crap.

"What do people mean when they say, ‘I am not afraid of God because I know He is good’? Have they never even been to a dentist?"
                                   - C.S. Lewis from The Grief Observed


Got whacked in the head with that quote. My fine friend Mr. Lewis brings up a great point. If I truly believe that God is good, how should I expect anything less than hard discipline and suffering? When a dentist cleans my mouth, it usually hurts and there is some blood. When a potter forms his clay, he has to force and push and pull the clay into the right form. And when we dig out and polish a gem, it usually takes much chiseling and strength to make it beautiful. 


If I really believe God loves me and cares about me, then I'm going to see Him deny me many things and challenge me in many ways. It's similar to how my parents tell me "no" to desserts and ground me if I've done something wrong. It's also in the same way my parents give me chores and hard work to show me how to become an able adult and be humbled and appreciative about my surroundings. God will give me sufferings and trials in hopes of trying to form me into a better and more beautiful person than before.


It's because I know God is good that I also know things will not be easy.


Dang it. 

Everything is out of control....

Everything is out of control.

Then again, it normally is. In fact, in our normal and daily lives, whether we realize it or not, nothing is in our control.

Scary, isn't it?

The weather isn't in our control, the people around us aren't in our control, and heck, even our own hearts aren't in our control. Rain comes and goes, people come and go, and our own feelings arise and leave without our consent. And yet, it seems as a human race, we are constantly fighting this. We build houses to protect us from the weather; we read and write psychology books to try and figure each other out and especially ourselves. Just think about how many things we measure and analyze: most of us have our schedules planned out to the minute; the back of all the food packages have the nutrients, ingredients, and calories calculated out; and we place plants in places where they normally wouldn't grow.

Part of it is because we want to be more efficient and productive. We want to get the most out of life and make things as wonderful and perfect as possible. Why risk perfection when you can guarantee it?

But the thing you have to realize is, no matter how much you plan and prepare, you can't guarantee anything. You can't guarantee that your party will go according to plan, or that your husband/wife will stay with you, or that your house will still be standing there at the end of the day. Life happens, and it happens at you quickly and unexpectedly. You have to expect change and accept it.

I was thinking about all of this as I was reading Ezekiel in the Bible. Have you read Ezekiel? Man oh man, does that prophet go through some crappy and crazy stuff. After reading that, I seriously was like "I never want to be a prophet." It's insane what Ezekiel has to do and go through. In chapters 3 and 4, God pretty much makes him go mute and lay on his side for 390 days. He also has to eat food off of human poop. HUMAN POOP!! Ezekiel then points out to God "Oh, but I haven't eaten anything to defile me." And God replies "Good point. You can eat it off of cow poop instead of human poop." I mean, COME ON!! So I get the symbolism and that Jerusalem has been very bad, but still; poor Ezekiel.

So I continue reading Ezekiel and the recurring phrase is "Then they will know that I am the Lord". I feel like this is not only a continuous theme in Ezekiel, but throughout most of the Old Testament. God usually has to do very unexpected things, sometimes good and sometimes bad, to get people's attention and say "LOOK! I'm GOD. NOT YOU. You have no control. You are a HUMAN." And as I thought about this, I felt it to be a very true, but hard lesson.

One of the first lessons I learned before I ever became a Christian was how very little control and power I had over things. I saw how easily my own life could just slip away, and then began to see how easily the lives of my loved ones could disappear as well. I think this is something my family has begun to learn as the kids are moving out and the dynamics are changing. Anytime I come home now, all 5 of us do our best to be together and spend time with one another. We don't usually do anything fancy or super fun, just watch movies and have dinner together and talk with one another. We're all very loyal to one another and if you mess with one of us, you mess with all of us. So as time as gone on, we've come to really value our time together, soaking up each minute of it and not wasting a second.

It's funny because when I was younger, I think I planned on doing all sorts of traveling and living in different places. But as I've gotten older, I can't help but feel that maybe I'd ultimately like to stay close to family and have opportunities to visit with them often. We shall see what happens though. I really don't have that much control over it.

Another lesson I learned was how very little power I did have. I couldn't control my surroundings, the places or people. I wanted everyone to be happy, but people often get upset or hurt. I wanted circumstances to change, but my words or actions couldn't even make a dent. My own power was so limited and I felt like my life was just a mere whisper in the wind when I wanted it to be a tornado, or at least, some kind of shout.

While my limit of control and power over things seems disgruntling, it's also relieving and freeing. I have very little power, which means there isn't much pressure to understand everything and get everything right. I'm human and not a god. I'm especially not THE God. And thank goodness I am NOT God! I'd have to figure all sorts of things out, like how the sun will keep burning or how the earth will keep rotating or who goes to Heaven or how I'm going to get hair to grow out of people's heads. (Read Job. It will humble you!! Especially Job 34-40). That's a lot of pressure and involves a lot of heart ache too because people will reject me if they don't like what I have in store.

The good news is: I follow the one and only God. And the one thing I can count on in life is His presence. I can count on that He knows everything and has everything in control.

The next big question is though: Do I trust Him? Do I trust that He really loves me and wants the best for me? When I'm going through hard times, will I really believe that this is for the best? Because it is after that, that's when we can rejoice no matter what trials or events we go through, because we believe and know that God will take care of us. Do I really and truly trust and believe in Him?

Do you?

The Laziness of Facebook

Facebook is a great tool to communicate and stay in touch with friends, especially friends that are far away, whether they're in another state, or across the world. And while I love this about Facebook, I've begun to feel like it has a negative effect on my current friendships, specifically the ones where we live in the same city.

You see, even though I may not personally see the people, I can just know what's going on in their lives through Facebook. Click on there Facebook page and I can see whether they are dating someone or not, see what vacation trips they've been on, and know what their major is and their religious beliefs in a matter of seconds. Why bother seeing you face to face when I can read all about your life right then and there? I mean, I could give you a phone call and ask how you're doing, but your status updates tell me all the time how you're doing and whether you're having a good day or a bad day or how your co-worker screwed you over and what not. So, why do I need to even go out of my way and actually try contacting you? That can be awkward and requires me to use social skills. Um... no thanks.

But as I sit here and type away, I've also been reflecting on my week and how lonely I felt this past week. I had just finished being at home with my family for 2 weeks and came back to my empty apartment. When I'm home, it feels like I always have someone to hang out with, especially over the summer since none of us have school. So I'm usually with my brother all the time, and then my parents come home in the evenings and we usually sit and talk, or make dinner, or watch a movie. When my sister isn't working or out, she and I will do stuff too. Someone is just always present and nearby. Heck, sometimes I even talk to my 2 dogs and play with them. But coming home to an empty apartment felt sad and bothered me. Sure, I enjoy being alone every now and then, but every day by myself was just saddening. And yes, I had friends who I spent time with during the day, but at the end of the day, I had no one to come home to and just be with. I like being in the presence of other people.

So with that, as I glanced at my 450 friends on Facebook, I realized that I didn't really want someone writing on my wall or liking my photos. Sure, on my birthday, it feels good to have 100 or so friends post on my wall. But what I really wanted was to see my really good friends and have dinner with them. I wanted to laugh with people and to REALLY laugh out loud and not just type "lol". I wanted to ask them how they're day has been going and hear the miniscule details of their day. I especially appreciated the people who called me on my birthday and talked to me, if only for a few minutes.

So now I challenge you to ask yourself who your friends really are. Are they the ones that post on your wall all the time or the ones who you share the most photos with? Or are they the ones who don't even have to have a Facebook because you're right there, experiencing things with them and talking to them.

Don't get me wrong. I do have really good friends who I communicate through Facebook and email with, and most of them are in other states or ridiculously far away. I will not say our friendship is any worse or less. Some of those distant friends I am very close with and do care about them deeply. But I just feel convicted to stop relying on Facebook and other social networks sites for my other friendships. I have a phone who I can call people with and actually have a conversation with. I can meet up with people and spend time with them. People who I can hug and share a laugh or a cry with, and look straight into their eyes. That's a human connection.

Facebook is a great tool for many things, but I want to stop being lazy and using it as an excuse. I want to get off my computer and off my butt and actually go see people. I won't say "Well, no one comes sees me". Friendships are a give & take. What if we all actually seriously tried going out of our way for each other and visiting one another? Giving each other phone calls? Stop hiding behind your computer and Facebook profile, and get out and have some actual friends. I'm going to give it a try and do it.

To All My Male Friends (This one is for the guys)

In my last post, I talked about women. But now, I want to talk about men and how my view on them as been turned around in the past month or so. It's really been a fascinating, but liberating process and I only hope I can continue on like this. I know this is long, but do your best to read till the end. Especially my male friends. This one really is for you guys.

It all started when I was listening to a sermon on Ruth 2. For those of you who don't know the story of Ruth, it's about 2 women, named Naomi and Ruth and how they are redeemed even though they've experienced tremendous hardship. Ruth is Naomi's daughter-in-law and what has happened is that Naomi lost her husband and both of her 2 sons, one of which Ruth was married to. So the women are left without any men to take care of them and decide to venture back to Naomi's home country where there has been a famine for many years. Naomi and Ruth are on the brink of starvation and are extremely poor. Ruth decides to go out and look for work and comes across a field that belongs to a man named Boaz. Here is the part that my pastor began talking about. Boaz sees Ruth and has heard that she and her mother-in-law are in great need. So Boaz offers Ruth food and feeds her. Ruth happily accepts the meal and saves some to take to Naomi. Then Boaz offers her a job to help feed herself and her mother-in-law. There's much more to the story and way more details that give the story a lot more meaning, but it was here that I was struck with some serious conviction.

My pastor said that at this point in the story, you could look at it as courtship between Ruth and Boaz. But really, Boaz was just being a worthy man and doing what a man should do: helping a woman in need. He was treating Ruth with kindness, generosity, and respect in the way a man treats his sister. And Ruth was humbling herself and accepting the help. This is how men and women should act, treating each other with respect and helping one another, like we are brothers and sisters. My pastor asked the men if they were treating women like their sisters.

And naturally, my pastor then talked to us women and said, "Look, I know you are all smart, strong, and independent women, but it's OK to let a guy help you. It's not even about chivalry, it's seeing the situation and letting a man come in and give you some help." He gave a few examples, but the one that hit the most was "Say you're out with a group of friends and a guy offers to buy your meal. You don't have to think 'Oh! He must like me' or 'Oh crap. This is going to make things complicated' and what not. No! Just say 'Oh gee. Thanks! That's quite nice of you' and continue on." I had to replay that part a few times to let it fully sink in. I asked myself "Man, how many times had I done that with a guy?" How many times was a man nice to me and I automatically assumed he must want something from me. I assumed that he must like me, and then want to go out on a date, or get physical with me and all these things. I just sighed and my thoughts continued on in many directions, but one thing I realized is: that the old thinking process was going to have to change.

After finishing the sermon, I realized that I wanted to begin to love men like they are my brothers. I thought about my own brother and how much I love him dearly. I hug him all the time, hang out with him, and talk to him about all sorts of things. I encourage him to continue to be a man and then talk to him about my own problems. I seriously want him to be the best man out there and I'm always doing my best to root him on and talk about things with him.

So what would it look like if I did that with every male I met?

I suddenly wanted to rush to all my male friends and some near acquaintances and tell them how great of a guy they were and to keep going and working towards becoming a real man. I wanted to tell all my guy friends that they deserve a woman they adore and love and one who respects and loves them right back. I wanted to see each one of them gather up their strength as a man and use it, whether it was to stick up for women, other people, or just themselves. I seriously want all my guy friends to be the best man they can be because I know they all can do it. I'm friends with you for a reason and I know you all have the strength of a true and strong man within yourself, whether you realize it or not.

This flipped a switch in my brain. Suddenly, I didn't see men as this other species that I had to be wary of. I didn't see them as that odd part of creation that didn't make any sense. I saw them as people, as my own brothers and wanted to encourage and support them as best I could.

I mean, I've seen in the past few weeks how a man treating me like a sister totally helps my self-worth and value as a female. Guys just willing to help me and look after me without asking anything in return. It makes me go, "Wow. I am worth something." I had one guy friend treat me one night by buying me food and taking me to a great sight. At the end, he confessed he still had feelings for me but respected my decision for not wanting to date him. I was so touched. Even though I couldn't offer him what he wanted, he still treated me special and saw my value as a friend and as a person. It was the first time I ever experienced anything like that and it was only the beginning to some great healing that would happen within the next few weeks.

Another time, my brother and I were talking and I asked him what one of my ex-boyfriends was probably thinking and he said, "I think he's thinking that he lost a great girl. And if he's not thinking that, he really is stupid and not worth your time." I just smiled at my brother and hugged him.

I was talking to one of my friend's guy friends. He and I sorta knew each other, but not that well. I made a comment or two about relationships and I remember him just saying, "You gotta find a guy who will work for you. One that will pursue you to no end." I didn't even know him that well, but I just felt something inside of me warm and something else get patched up. To hear from a man that I had worth meant a lot.

I can only imagine the deprivation and low self-worth prostitutes and sex-slaves experience. Those girls are someone's daughters and sisters and yet, they are told they are only good for their bodies and even then, for a petty price. The damage they experience must be devastating and my heart aches for them.

And of course, as my view has changed and as I've talked with males, many have confessed to me their own pain from females. Ironically, just the other day, I was in a store looking for clothes and 2 men came up to me and started talking to me. They were sort of hitting on me and I was already trying to calculate how to run. The one weird friend finally left and I was left with the guy that supposedly was the one that was really interested in me. I chatted with him a bit and he was nice. He asked me for my number and through some series of events and him being quite persistent, I eventually gave in. He texted me later and said, "Look, sorry if I'm bothering you but I'm tired of being treated like crap and you seem like a nice young woman, not to mention beautiful. I just really want to get to know you better." At first, I honestly wanted to yell and say, "Gah! This guy just wants to get something out of me. He wants to date me and have me be this pretty thing on his arm." But then I stopped and I reminded myself that he too was a person. He was my brother in God's eyes, whether I liked it or not. I calmed myself down and replied, "Look, you aren't bothering me. I'm sorry you've been treated like crap. You don't deserve that. You deserve a woman who will respect and admire you and support you. We can get to know each other better and see where that takes us, but I can't promise you anything. If anything, the least we can be is friends." He only responded with a smilie face and I haven't heard from him since.

I don't know if that was the right thing to do, but it was as honest as I could be. But I saw how tempting it was to be harsh and bitter towards men in general. Yet, God reminded me about how they too are just people and I stopped myself. I had to remind myself that each man is a person and has experienced pain too. Like I said, many men have come to me, telling me how they've been treated like crap and used by women. And for all that, I can only apologize and tell them that they don't deserve that kind of treatment and they also deserved to be loved and respected. Before I would have been tempted to retort back "Well look buddy, you ain't the only one. I've been done wrong too." Now, I just sigh and apologize. No man deserves that treatment.

So this is to all my guy friends and just any guy in general. You are totally capable of being an awesome and amazing man and deserve a woman that recognizes that. She will be a woman that respects and loves you. She will challenge you to be better, but at the same time, appreciate the man you are. And until you find that woman, do your best to treat women as your sisters and women, treat men as your brothers. We can all go around and talk about how we've been done wrong and treated like crap, or we can stop, see that we're all people with some baggage and pain, and work to encourage and affirm each other. Here's to my brothers and sister! Love you all. :)